Lonley Nights

Last night I looked through our photo albums, and two boxes of photos. I have the answer to many of my questions. I could see the happiness on Kevin's face. the way he always had his arm around me or to the small of my back. he also usually leaned into me. This more than anything else has reassured me that I was the first choice and nothing in any journal he kept offers contradictory information. The many questions I have about why he did the thins he did will never have answers. I was able to really let out some of the grief last night. I am feeling a little empty and spent today. Life can and does go on. Kevin wanted to take care of me, and yet the reversal of things left him feeling helpless to take care of me. But he did in the only way he could after his death. He made sure that finicalley I am secure and will be able to lead the same life alone that we shared together. I feel him around me a little more. The anger that had built up kept the since of him away. This is something I did when he was alive and we would get into a fight. I hope he knows that I loved him with all of my being. I feel it is OK to just weep when I feel it rather than push it away. I changed the name on the blog to me. I am the one it belongs to now. i am no longer just supplementing for Kevin, I am now the blogger. i have added a photo I found last evening that suits Kevin the best. It was taken within one to two years after we bought the house. This is how I remember him coming home and napping until dinner was read. in his suit, and yes those are suspenders, with Alex on his lap. I will be adding others later on. I may even add some of myself. Well I have to get some real world thing accomplished.
Kenny