Dealing with the past

I went through our photos yesterday,and rereading my journals brought back a lot of the good memories. It was painful to know that my past will be mine, not ours. Kevin was always good at knowing how to make me feel like I was special. Even when he really pissed me off. I was dwelling on the bad times. Now I am thinking of one good time each day. Strange as it may sound I talk to Kevin about them. I know that he is not going to answer, yet I feel he is with me when I rember something like the day we went to Forest Park and rented a cannoe. I got cold and Kevin went to the car and got his jacket, I had forgot mine, for me. He was worried that I would get a cold. So many of the little things like this are what I want to rember. The little things are what showed me Kevin cared. He was not a grand juster type of man. He use to send me a carde in the male every once in a while just to offer a little suprise. A man who would do this propably was not harboring a secret desire to be with someone else. Even if he did, so what.
I have the memories of fifteen years of a life together. Not all good, but not really that many bad either. I believe if the scales were compaired the good far out weighed the bad. The majority were the nothing special, but is that not the way of things. I decided when Kevin and I got together that I was willing to accept that he was not a man of extreme passionate jesters. I knew he was about as middle o the road as it gets. Maybe this is why we worked, because I certianly am as far from middle of the road as it gets. His conservatism coupled with my liberalism and struck a good ballance. I constantly tried to get hiim to take stands, while he constantly tried to make me understand that the world is not in black in white but in colour. My ability to not relent conplimented his willingness to seek a compromise, or shal we say a less confromtational way to resolve things.
I hope the lessons he tought me stick. A fourty one year old man can only resist the world so long on his own.