Grief with a vengance

I have delineated the post I put up past night I was hurting and wanted to hurt anyone I could. Kevin's secrets were his to keep. For whatever reason he kept hold of the past. I have to believe that what happened with us had nothing to to with the photos and journal entries I have discovered. the journals will be destroyed. As for the photos of Tim and a few other previous boyfriends, even though they were not grafic in any way have been torn up and burned. I was at least able to let go of some emotions and mourn the real loss of Kevin. I have to mourn two losses though. the first is the loss of my partner and soul mate, the second the loss of any explanation as to why he kept the things he did. Why he felt the need to hide them. Why he wanted them to be kept after his death? Did he know that I would discover them? Was this possibly an action on his part to make me angry and doubtful of him in order to move on? I will never know. I realize that I simply must come to terms with it on my own and let it go. I have to find a way of letting go of the anger and keeping the love, and memories. I kept a journal from the time Kevin became diagnosed with the tumor. Maybe one day I will have to share my life with someone else. If that were to happen could I be expected to wipe away all remnant's of the life I had with Kevin. The journal I kept, and am still keeping has the memories of events that can easily become cloudy with time. Most of all I look at it and realize what a wonderful life Kevin and I had together. I am still expecting him to call and complain that I need to be with him in the hospital, or extended care facility.
Today the new bed arrives and maybe this will help me feel a sense of my life not our life together. The reminders are tearing me apart inside, but my hair looks great, HAHA! I need a little comedy now and them to keep from just letting everything overwhelm me. I have always thought of myself as a strong person, I have pushed throuth being close to death myself, and I have watched a part of me die in our home. Now I have to make it my home for Kevin has left the building but traces of him remain to haunt me.
Kenny