Doctor Visit

I went to the Dr. today. Dave took me, then we went to Bandannas for dinner. I feel better after talking with Russ about my concerns about Kevin. He probably knew Kevin the best of all his Friends for the last 37 years. He assured me my fears were groundless and this helped a great deal.
I am to go to Jasper to see Joey and his brood this weekend, along with Teresa, Mom, and Charlie. The idea of getting away is great. It is the actually doing it that bothers me. I have not left the house for an overnight since June, and that was just downtown. I feel that when I am out I need to be here, and when I am here I want to be anyplace else.
I fond myself wanting to remember the past more and more. I actually read my old journal today. I was amazed at the issues I had at the beginning of our relationship are the same ones sufficing now. Maybe I never really worked them out. I really do not have any doubts the Kevin loved me completely and was never so unhappy as to regret being with me. I still am not sure if I was the one he truly wanted to be with after all a fantasy is far better than reality could ever be. I am recalling more of the good times we experienced together over the past fifteen years. Our first trip together to Carlyle Lake,or when we went to see the AIDS quilt for the last full dispaly in D.C. Many things have faded over time and I am left with memories that I do not always trust, and some that I wish were not real at all. The past twenty months were not all bad, actually we were probably closer than we had been in years. It is so strange how the reversal of roles was so difficult. I guess that we become so comfortable in our lives that such a drastic change is equivalent to a violent assault.
I am once again drawn to the wisdom that I am stronger in the total because of the trials that I have endured over the past fifteen years, as well as the joy, and love that Kevin always tried to show me.