I have been on the first date since Kevin and I first met 15 years ago on Saturday. I had a great time and hope he did too. Tonight I have another, different man, and am looking forward to it. I thought no one would ever be interested in my 41 year old, overweight, out of shape, self again. In the last week things are certainly turning around. I no longer feel that I am close to scarring small children, when I am not meaning too anyway. I can feel my since of humor returning and realizing around others more and more. I am feeling truly alive again, and it feels good. I have no idea what the future holds for me, but I will take it as it comes. I have never thought love could happen to me again, and still really don't. I am content with my life of living alone, and am quickly realizing that the alone is not lonely. I am building a full life all by myself, something I have never done before. I really was not sure if I could to tell the truth. Life is taking me in directions that I never thought I would or could go in.
Life can carry me for a while, I had to carry it for so long I think it is time for me to sit back relax and let come what may.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
End of Spring Break
The happy hour I hosted last evening was great! I had a great time talking and socialising with everyone. I actually felt like life had some semblance of normality. I am cleaning and repairing the walls in the laundry closet. I will paint in there tomorrow, in preparation for the new washer and dryer on Monday. Moved the old set to Rich and Heathers this morning, uneventful except for the cut over my eye form the washer not wanting to get into dad's truck. I am tired but need a night out, so gonna rest a little then go out for a while.
The girls are doing great and were lavished with attention last night. Snuggy ate it up. They have brought a lot of happiness into my life over the past few months. I am finding that they are far more resilient than Spot and Max were. I am not sure if it is because they are younger, or just different cats. I say cats now because they are hardly kittens any longer. They seem to adjust to changes in the schedule easily, which is nice.
I have begun to feel more comfortable with other people lately, I even look forward to interacting with others instead of forcing myself to do it. Most aspects of my life are calm and reaching a normality, the grief books call it the new normal. Things in my family can always offer some drama. Having so many in the family leaves this option always open. But this is all part of life, as we all learn eventually. My mind wonders to thoughts of Kevin and I am no longer brought to tears by this, he is still firmly in my mind and always there with me. Lately I no longer think of living our life without him but rather living my life after him. This is probably a good thing, or it could be the prelude to a psychotic break! This as with everything in life will be known in time.
I sometimes feel a little sad when thinking about all that is to come, and that Kevin will not be here to share it with me. Rarely now do I talk to him about my day and what is happening or about to. I know now that he is at peace and I will no longer feel his presence around me. This is sad to me but at the same time it gives me hope that he has found a comfort and peace that he so deserves. I only hope that I can do the same in time. For the present, I just find happiness as it is offered and be thankful that I am allowed it.
The girls are doing great and were lavished with attention last night. Snuggy ate it up. They have brought a lot of happiness into my life over the past few months. I am finding that they are far more resilient than Spot and Max were. I am not sure if it is because they are younger, or just different cats. I say cats now because they are hardly kittens any longer. They seem to adjust to changes in the schedule easily, which is nice.
I have begun to feel more comfortable with other people lately, I even look forward to interacting with others instead of forcing myself to do it. Most aspects of my life are calm and reaching a normality, the grief books call it the new normal. Things in my family can always offer some drama. Having so many in the family leaves this option always open. But this is all part of life, as we all learn eventually. My mind wonders to thoughts of Kevin and I am no longer brought to tears by this, he is still firmly in my mind and always there with me. Lately I no longer think of living our life without him but rather living my life after him. This is probably a good thing, or it could be the prelude to a psychotic break! This as with everything in life will be known in time.
I sometimes feel a little sad when thinking about all that is to come, and that Kevin will not be here to share it with me. Rarely now do I talk to him about my day and what is happening or about to. I know now that he is at peace and I will no longer feel his presence around me. This is sad to me but at the same time it gives me hope that he has found a comfort and peace that he so deserves. I only hope that I can do the same in time. For the present, I just find happiness as it is offered and be thankful that I am allowed it.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Spring has sprung
I have had a busy 2 weeks. I had midterms last week and am on Spring Break this week!! The girls are at the vet having a DE-clawing. They will spend the night, and I will get them tomorrow after 9. this past weekend Teresa and I went to Joey's and had a kid filled Saturday night. 5 kids vs 3 adults at Chuckey Cheeses, the kids won. I have been making progress in getting the condo together. I have to have the place presentable by the HH this Friday. I have a plan and just have to make it happen. I am a little tired today, girls kept me awake until 1 this morning. I am starting to keep up with the paperwork and that is a major thing for me.
I do have to let everyone know that the Brian Tumor Walk will not happen this year. A lack of volunteers was the sited cause. I have been thinking a lot about Kevin during the evening again. This was the time when we really were together. Before and after the tumor. We always ate dinner together and then had a few hours of us time. This usually was watching TV, or sometimes just talking. The just talking was more to the end. It is hard to believe that Kevin has been gone for more than 6 months already. I have been in the condo for over 3! I have had a good time at school so far. I am going to take at least 1 class this summer. I am still deciding where to go for a little trip. I am leaning to Savanna again. Kevin and I always wanted to go back there again.
i have even thought about going to Fiesta land but I am not sure that I am up for that. The condo is already to the brim with dishes. I will have the serving pieces this Friday for the HH. this will be the first time since before Kevin died. 7
I do have to let everyone know that the Brian Tumor Walk will not happen this year. A lack of volunteers was the sited cause. I have been thinking a lot about Kevin during the evening again. This was the time when we really were together. Before and after the tumor. We always ate dinner together and then had a few hours of us time. This usually was watching TV, or sometimes just talking. The just talking was more to the end. It is hard to believe that Kevin has been gone for more than 6 months already. I have been in the condo for over 3! I have had a good time at school so far. I am going to take at least 1 class this summer. I am still deciding where to go for a little trip. I am leaning to Savanna again. Kevin and I always wanted to go back there again.
i have even thought about going to Fiesta land but I am not sure that I am up for that. The condo is already to the brim with dishes. I will have the serving pieces this Friday for the HH. this will be the first time since before Kevin died. 7
Thursday, March 04, 2010
6 Month mark
Kevin passed away 6 months ago today. I sometimes feel it has been years, sometimes as if he just took his last breath in our bedroom while I was holding his hand. I have more good days than bad. I guess that is some progress. Life is moving on and some days I really enjoy it. I have become accustomed to being alone. This is something I never thought I could have done. Strange how experience and age changes one. Well just a short one today. Kevin I love you as much now as when we celebrated our 15Th anniversary last year.
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