Insurance, The Plauge upon Humanty

The last few days have been interesting. Well that is not the correct phrase, but it is the only one that small children can hear. I have been getting calls for Kevin to contact our insurance company for a cost saving program, health insurance. I returned the call and informed them that Kevin had passed away almost 8 weeks ago. I was thanked and just then I decided that I would ask about the status of my new insurance cards. This is when I was informed that I had no insurance. It would appear that CONEXIS had not informed UHC of the changes, simply canceled my insurance. I have a suspicion that I was reported as the one who died, not Kevin. After several calls to both organizations I was told that it would be 24 48 hours before it was fixed. I had a dental appointment at 1 and this was 11. I informed CONEXIS that if it was not fixed by Monday I was contacting my attorney. Arlene will eat them alive if I have to involve he in this.
That set the tone for the entire day. I had to drive in the rain to and from the dentist. The traffic was atroshous. I missed one of my exits. I did get signed up for some classes, and found out that my transcripts had been destroyed, why no one at the school could tell me. That took 3 hours, but I got the classes I wanted at the times I wanted so that was all good in the end. I finally made it home about 5:30 and fed the cast, them myself. The laundry had to be done so I could pack for today. I did get about an hour on the bike and to bed before 10:30.
I am determined to forge ahead and make this mess of my life work out, somehow. The weather is not helping, The rain and gloom is almost overpowering. I feel as if I am being washed away along with the debris of my life into the dark, brick lined sewer, ultimately swept into a void so dark and powerful that escape is not passable. The thought of Kevin and how he conquered his daemons to live the life he wanted is all that keeps me going sometimes. I am not going to disappoint him by giving up or giving in like some little lost boy. Tomorrow is Halloween, maybe the ghosts of my past and future will be able to meet and let me know what to do next. I know that Kevin is always looking out for me in one way or another.

Life Carries Me Forward

Every since Sunday afternoon I have been is a fairly good mood. I still have the occasional moments were I can hardly breath, but they are fewer and shorter. I probably will have those for a long time to come. I have made a firm decision to rejoin the living. I am even taking steps to do so. I am going out to dinner with Betsy and Brenda tonight at a new place in Lafayette Square. I am having dinner with Doris tomorrow evening, and Friday I am probably going to Joey and Becky's with Teresa and Mom. The Friday trip is still up in the air. Saturday evening is the Halloween party for the hood. Wow that was fly of me. I am feeling more alive than I have for the past couple of years. I am starting to believe that life is not too far ahead of me, I just have to pick up my pace. I still have those feelings of being all alone but I am starting to cope with them instead of just wallowing in self pity, and remorse. I could be in a room of 50 people and still feel alone. Kevin is not there so I am alone. This is just something I have to deal with.
I am also going to sign up for a couple of classes tomorrow. Getting back to school will keep me occupied and establish a goal for me It will also force a routine on me, which I desperately need.
Well I have to get moving life is sweeping me forward in it's never ending flow to the future.
Kenny

Weekend Work

aThis weekend has been busy, both physically and mentally. I had to replace the washer, luckily my cousin let me borrow his until I figure out where I am moving to. Dave helped me get it, then I hooked it up by myself. I did not loose my temper when the hoses were not long enough to reach, I just went to Home Depot and got some longer ones. Got it leveled and did 4 loads of laundry before going to bed. Quite an accomplishment for someone who's first home project was putting a plunger on the storm door 2 years ago. I've come a long way baby! Well not that far. Found some photos of Kevin's family that he had overlooked. I am going to take them to his parents this afternoon if the rain holds off. I actually smiled yesterday when I started the washer. I thought Kevin would have been proud of me. That is the first time in a long time that thinking of him did not make me cry, or miss him even more.
Friday night was not too bad. I went to sleep and had a dream about Kevin, don't remember much other than he was healthy in it, and laughing. Saturday morning I woke up and cried, as usual, but was not sad. I realise that what I have been doing by analysing everything between Kevin and I was simply trying to find a way to discount our life together. Doing that would make it OK to keep reliving the past. I realise that the past is the past and almost all the answer es to my questions were staring me in the face. I thought about how Kevin nearly destroyed himself trying to live a lie until he was almost 30. I can remember him telling me often that he used the drinking to dull everything. Once he was able to reconcile himself that being gay was not his choice but how he was made allowed him to stop abusing alcohol, and start to focus on himself. This was a terrifying change for Kevin he was unsure if his family would disown him or not. He also knew that he wanted to live his life in truth and not hide who he was. That took an immense amount of strength and courage. He was willing to remove his entire life instead of living a lie. He wanted to live openly with someone who he loved and build a life with him. Well we all know how that turned out. After about 5 years of falling for men who were unavailable in one form or another we found one another.
Putting all of this into my journal forced me to see that Kevin would not have lived a lie again no matter the cost. I had to realise that I had to take us for face value. Kevin loved me and worried about me more than himself. I think he was far more worried about how I would survive his death than actually dieing. He always wanted to care for those he loved, and he make sure that he took care of my finical needs after he was gone. He could not help me with my emotional needs then, it is up to me to do that. Kevin was very in control of most things around him. I still am amazed at how most people thought he was just a quiet accountant. He was in control of our life most of the time. I did the things I wanted to do because Kevin supported almost everything I did. He did not always like or agree with it but he supported me not the issue. Kevin took great pride in being open about our relationship, and liked the fact that some people were envious of us. Yes Kevin was a little bit of a snob. But so am I. Kevin rarely let me know if what I was or was not doing bothered him . That is unless I asked. He was content to sit and watch me change and grow, evolving into the man I am from the boy I was when we met. I think in many ways Kevin guided me into going back to school, becoming more how shall we say politically voiced. I always knew if he was pleased or not by his eyes. Most of my antics made them sparkle. Some of them would make them stormy, and he would not look at me so I could gage him.
Well I have went on and on this time. I will end by saying that my doubts abut Kevin and wither or not he truly loved me have been answered. Kevin did not just love me, I now realise that he cherished me. Funny word cherished, but it fits.

7 Week Later

I can hardly believe that Kevin has been gone 7 weeks today. I think about him every day. Sometimes I forget he is gone when I first wake up or in the middle of the night. The reality is always waiting to remind me he is gone. I am not sure what to do with my self lately. In January school will start and that will take up some of my time. Today I volunteered at Food Outreach and answered the phones, did a mailing. The busy work kept my mind off of my life for a while. It is good to get back into the world again. I have to remember that it will take time, and let's face it I have always been so patient. HAHAHA!! Some days are better than others. I have decided to judge them by how I feel at bedtime. If I a crying myself to sleep it has not been a good one. I think that is fair.
I had to get some new pants today and ended up going to Tuckers for dinner. funny how when you are eating at a restaurant alone people around you refuse to make eye contact. As if you have a large peace of spinach hanging out of your mouth and you are growing a horn out of your forehead. This has always amazed me. Eating alone in a restaurant has never bothered me and still doesn't. Just an observation. Life moves on with or without me, now I feel that I need to catch up to the here and now. I have been trying to live in the past, that is not life just memories. Images of our life, one can not live in a world that no longer exists. It can not be healthy. Sure a delusion is OK now and again, but please! I am going to make an effort to go into in the world of the living a little more. That is what I have to do. Kevin would be disappointed if I just gave up and quit. Probably not surprised, but disappointed none the less. He did go to great lengths to provide for me after all. Not something he would have bothered with if he did not want me to get on with living after he was gone.
He told me 2 days before he died that his dieing was alright. I have not figured it out yet but I am not he sharpest knife in the drawer after all. I guess that I have been searching or the note I thought Kevin would have left for me with some directions on how to get on without him He micromanaged everything else. I guess he thought I was grown up enough to figure things out for myself. I will in time but for now just figuring out how to get everything done on my list without loosing the list is a challenge. I have so become Kevin in my need for lists and organization. His influence is strong. He trained me well. If only I could balance my checkbook. That always was beyond me. But now with the Internet you don't have to wait for the pink notices to come before you start to charge tings.
Well that is my comments for the day.
Kenny

My First Grief Session

I went the my first group session last night. I did find it helpful only 2 others were their. I realise that I am not alone in the feelings and questions I have. The doubts are common, and actually normal. One of the other widowers listened to me talk about Kevin and the issues I had. He pointed out that Kevin put his integrity and morals above everything, so how could he have lived a lie. Kevin realized before we met that he had to accept that he was gay and it was OK. He refused to be closeted. That was the last time he lived a lie, and suppressed himself. That was also one of the reasons Kevin quit drinking. He could not control it, but he no longer needed to dull the pain of not accepting himself. Once he did this he no longer needed to drink to mask the pain. I have been told this same thing by friends and family. Hearing it from a stranger, with no emotional ties, made it real.
When I came home I reread the journal I started after Kevin's birthday last year. In it I realized that everyone was right. Kevin withdrew the sicker he became. I thought this was his way of telling me he did not love me, and was unhappy with our life. I now can realize that this is a normal process in dyeing. The times he told me to leave, of which were many, he was lashing out at the only person he knew he could count on. I would never have left him. I did think about it on several occasions, but I knew he needed me and no one else could give him the love that I could. I did not have the skills to take care of him in the best way. I did what I could, I only hope Kevin understood that. Many times he told me that I was selfish, and I began to believe him. I guess part of me still does. I am here ad he is gone.
I finally went to bed after 1 AM, and Kevin was there. Not like before, when I just sensed his presence. He started at the foot of the bed and I talked to him and he moved to his side of the bed, then held his hand out I could feel the warmth on my had. I talked with him, well I asked questions. The communication from him was not verbal, his response was in what he did. I asked him if he was happy in our life together, and if I was doing the right thing on some issues. The answer came when I asked him to hold me one more time. I rolled over on my side, and could feel hi warmth against me and his arms around me. Not in a physical way just the warmth and security I always had when he wrapped me in his embrace. I fell asleep almost immediately, had the most restful sleep. My dreams were about Kevin and I doing some of the things we loved to do.
I know this sounds silly, and I probably imagined the entire thing, but it was very real to me. I think Kevin wants me to go on and try to lead a full life. I do feel that he will always be with me in some form. He will always take care of me. He will always watch over me, and try to keep me safe.
I feel that Kevin is in a better place, one without the pain, mental, and physical impairments that dictated his life in the end. I truly hope this is true, because if it is not I could not go on. I still do not know if I can survive without him.

Monday Night Madness

Last night was not so good. I had a hard time focusing on anything. I feel as is everything I do becomes too much to deal with. Even sleep. I fell asleep between 1130 and midnight, then up at 4 AM. This is not a good sign of my mental state. I am noticing that the simplest tasks are becoming overwhelming. I want to leave and just keep going. I remind myself that Kevin's' death will follow me anywhere I go. I feel as if I have been watching life as if it were a movie for the last few months. None of seems real to me. I can no longer pretend that Kevin will come home. The times he was in the extended care facility were difficult, but I know that he was coming home. In some way I have been pretending that he is there. The deception has reached it's end. I started to realize what I was doing on Saturday night. When I came home and before I even got out of the car Corrected myself about calling him and giving a synopsis of the evening. It amazes me that I have actually been doing this to myself. I guess it is just a copping mechanism.
I am suppose to go to a group grief counseling tonight. Hopefully I will make it. Something has to start changing, this horror can not go on much longer. I feel as though nothing is left for me. I did make Kevin the world, especially over the past 2 years. Now the world is gone and starting over is simply more that I can cope with right now. I really want to run away for all of this but that is not possible.
This is not the way it was suppose to be. I never anticipated Kevin dyeing first. I was suppose to go first. That is what the plan was from the start. I was prepared for that outcome. Even though I was doing better I still believed that I should go first. I was so dependent on Kevin that my coping abilities are almost non existent. Even after everything had happened with the tumor and infections, I really did not think he was going to die, until the Wednesday before he left. I told him that I was not relay ready for this, his response was that everything would be alright. He had no clue. Nothing is ever going to be alright again, not for me anyway. Fifteen years is a long time to expect something and then it gets reversed on you. That is not alright, nothing is alright with Kevin's death. I am so dam angry at everything and everyone I see with their spouse. It just makes me feel more alone than before. I know being angry with someone just because their life has not been riped away is not good or fair. I relay don't care.
The worst is when someone tels me that they understand, when they have no clue. The only people that can understand have gone through the same loss as me.

6 weeks after

Firday was 6 weeks since Kevin died. It seems an eternity, and at the same time like it was just moments ago. My mind wonders between what could have been and what if's. These 2 things can tear you apart. I went to a Birthday Party at Chillies' in Fenton for one of Charlie's nephews. I had a good evening, until time to come home. I was listening to the song "My Immortal" by Evanescence. The line tat brought me to tears was "now I'm bound by the life you left behind." That sums up how I feel. Comming into an empty house alone is the worst. This use to be our home, that is gone. I have no home, just a house that is empty and without warmth. The bleakness that I feel every time I come back here is getting palatable. I am not sure if I can leave here but I know if I don't the memories and doubts will consume me. After having by little hysterical balling fit, I went to bed. Sleep was not a friend. I dreamed in a restless sleep. Dreams are not remembered, only the feelings that I somehow could have done something different, better, or have been a stronger person and that would have made a difference somehow. I know in my mind this is not so. I did the best I could, it may not have been good enough, but it was all I had.
Sunday was not too bad during the day. I went to another BD party at O'Charlies. This was Heathers' 30th. I was fine until on the way home knowing that I had to return here. I was able to at least keep myself together until later in the evening. The emptiness and doubt that are my constant companion are tearing away at my core. I gave everything I had to Kevin and now have nothing good for myself left. I am left with anger, loneliness, emptiness, and unending grief. I feel that for evry step taken for ward, I am pushed back 4 more. This is a battle I can not hope to win. Just how long can this go on before something gives. I am at a point that I really don't care which way it goes anymore. Things just can not stay where they are, the situation is imposiable to live with. I am just so tired of feeling I have nothing to look forward to. I really do not consider this living, it is exhausting.

Wild and Crazy Friday night

Had a busy day today. Cleaned the entire house and avoided a fire in the washing machine, have a table in the dinning room, and did it all without a martini. I realy feel that I am acomplishing a lot. I just returned home form dinner with Sharon and Carol. We had a realy great evening. We went to the Gyro place on Gravois, then a coup of drinks at Del Peidros. Had a pretty ok day, except for the smokey basemnet from the death of the washer.
Got a call from Mom about 11ish. She was home form work with phenumonia. She waited untill she could not hardly functun untill going to the Dr. she is so in trouble, perhaps Teresa and I need to ground her for a while, or worse give her time out with Dad! Talked to Doris today, she is sounding like the Drew flu is hitting her. Mr. Russell came home from the hospital yeaterday, I tried to call them this afternoon but no answer. I am sure they are back at the usual routine.
I am getting ready to get on the bike, so desperatly need it. The grief councler form BJC called today, I realy like her. Spoke for about an hour and feel better she is not just wanting me to feel better now, but in the long term. The fact that she has a profesional investment instead of a strong emotional one lets me give her the benefit of the doubt in her observations. I know that friends and family want me to feel better now but it is OK to still be angry, hurt and feel abandoned. I will get past when it is time and not untill then.
Well it is time to keep on some sort of routine.
Kenny
y

A Rolercoaster of a Week

This week is under the control of a practical joker. I am having some of the best days since Kevin's death, mixed with some really awful ones. Yesterday actually was pretty good. I happened on a condo development in Kirkwood that is really reasonable and has enough room for all of my crap!! The location was not bad about 1 or 2 miles from Merrimack. Things were pretty good all evening except that I had an earache that was getting worse, I had not been feeling well the past few days. I thought an inner ear infection. Doris called and let me know that Mr. Russell had his pacemaker battery replaced and that Drew probably had the H1N1 flu. Mr Russell is home today. That is about the only good thing that happened today for me. the day started with the laptop crashing on the money file. My waffle was tough, I made eggs and drooped them down the front of my shirt. I kind of lost my temper and threw a TV tray down the basement steps and put a hole hole in the wall. Something else for me to take care of. I did manage to get the backup for the money file at least. I then tested the waters of driving. I had our wedding bands welded into one. It looked great, until 30 minutes when the small spot weld failed. Then I went to lunch with my sister, which was pleasant and uneventful.
I managed to get an ad in the post for this weekend to sell the Neon. That was another experience in cyber hell. Then I had the bright idea to put in the "Jesus Christ Superstar" CD. This is one I have never listened to before. This is the live Broadway performance with the original cast. Not thinking this is the one that the last song from Kevin's memorial service came from, as well as some other songs that are more profound in this version. Then I proceeded to have an emotional overload and just balled for half an hour. I do feel better, the earache is gone and I am now just tired.
Well as scarlet said "Tomorrow is another day". I have to say all in all that I am doing far better than most of those who know me thought I wood, this includes myself. Kevin insulated me from so many things that everyday life requires, that in some ways I am almost like the child just on his own. I know that he just wanted to take care of me, but in the end I should have made myself be more aggressive about the business details of life. I think that is what makes me the most angry, not really at Kevin but at myself for allowing so much of my independence to go away, never thinking that I would need it. I was more than happy to let Kevin take care of the details. So in the end I only have myself to blame for my inability to deal with some of the intricate things in life. I guess it is time for me to grow up and take charge of my life. This adult thing is really SUCKY!

Getting through another day

I had a not so great day yesterday. Mr Russell went into the hospital with some chest pain. As it turns out the doctors think it is because the battery in his pacemaker is a year over due to be replaced. If that is all the fix should be easy. He does appear to be doing better with Kevin's death. He does not appear as frail and done in as he did.
After I got home yesterday afternoon, I had a pretty good evening. Nothing to out of the ordinary. That is until I was in bed. I had almost fell totally asleep when I heard Kevin say my name. It was not as if he was calling out so much as just waking me up. When I did wake up the cats were at the foot of the bed staring at the closet door. In front of the door was a shadow, that is the best way to describe it. I knew it was Kevin immediately. There was no fear, or startling to it, just that Kevin was at the foot of the bed and I knew it. The shadow was moving a little bit and so I started talking to him. The movements were almost responses to what I was saying. I asked a few questions, and then just talked to him for a few minutes. I was so tired I told him good night, and went to sleep. I have not slept so well in almost 2 years! No pills just a really relaxing slumber. I did not really get out of be until after 8 am. The cats were fed at 5 but I drooped right back off. I never do that. The sense of security was palatable. It was as if he was there watching over me. I am not sure how much of this is my over active imagination, but something was definitely different.
I was reminded of how we would talk just before going to sleep most nights. Some of our best talks were done at this time. Most of the time we would hold hands of snuggle while we talked. I felt just the same last night. It was so relaxing, and gave me a sense of security that has been gone for so long now. I truly believe that Kevin is watching out for me, just as he did all the years we were together. I must admit that when things go wrong lately I handle them much calmer that at any other time in my life. Well that is enough of the crazy mind of Kenny. Kevin always did fear me having a pulpit to spew my ramblings, and ideas from. .
Well that is all for now I am feeling a little under the weather. Not up to full steam to day.

Good Sunday, Monda has arrivedfellam feel

Had a realy good time looking at a few condos with Dave yesterday. Actually found on in the city, on Clifton by the Post Office, that is a contender. Very 80's but price is right. Went and had the cars cleaned up. Managed to get Neon on Car Soup for sale hopefully will hit Craig's List today. I am not good at the photo uploading thing. Last night was pretty good. Woke up at 5, by cats, and am feeling pretty good. Dave is not up for a walk, so a little bike time this morning. Have to be in Clayton a little after 9 this morning. Yesterday, was a really good day as a mater of fact. I think today is going to be just as good. I am going to do the best I can to make it as fun as possible.

Strange Saturday Night

Last night while on the bike and watching a bad SYFY movie Max started to do cute kitty rolls. This is not unusual except he would stop and reach up with his front paws like someone was just on the other side of the cabinet. I did not pay much attention until I thought someone was standing there for a micro second. I was not scared or even startled. I had a feeling of calm, peacefulness, and safety cover me. Max continued and I asked him who was there, he meowed and reached out to the emptiness with his front paws. This is how he acts when e wants someone to pick him up. His actions were not odd except he was not directing them at me. Max does not reach into empty space, never has. During ll of this I kept remembering how Kevin would say he loved me bore bed, or when he was leaving for work. I am still feeling the calming effects of what ever it was I think Kevin was here. I am grateful for the visit. I am feeling so much better. Strange that something that is probably a product of my over active imagination could effect me so profoundly.
Make no mistake the depression is still alive and well, yet I feel that I am not so alone any longer.

The Business of Death must go on

The day began at 4:15 AM today. The cats insisted on being fed right then. Well sleep deprivation has proven get me moving on the tasks that need to be done. I have moved the dresser,cleaned and organized the desk. I have been looking at condos that have open houses tomorrow, and there is quit a selection out there. I am starting to discover why I have been so depressed about Kevin this past week. His birthday is right around the corner and this is going to sound strange but I am getting back into the routine we kept for the past 2 years. I am getting on the bike after dinner and coming upstairs about 9 or 10. This was when we talked about what we were going to do the next day. I am missing this time to use him as a sound board. This is also the way I could judge how he felt. Kevin would have several things to do if he was feeling well, and did not want to make or have me make any plans if he wasn't.
I am trying to keep up a life that no longer exists. This is something that has to change. I have to find the kind of life I am going to have now. I always said Kevin was resistant to changes, but what most do not know, I am also. The older I get the more set in my ways I become. The past 2 years have been one upheaval after another. My center is off and I do not feel grounded, or even keeled. Things have taken on a life of their own, and continue with or without me. This is not something that I am use to.
When Kevin was alive I usualy set the pace, or Kevin and I set it together. Kevin's illness turned our world upside down. Now half of my world is no longer here, and the upheaval still continues. Most days I just do not want to get out of bed, or even wake up. The demands of the cats make me move. Without the little demanding monsters I would probably stay in bed most of the time. Wallowing in self pitty that is so easy for me to do. I have to realize that I am lucky. Kevin and I had 15 years, most people don't have that. We managed to stay together and depend on each other. The past 2 years were a true testament to our commitment. The good times were far outweighed by the bad during his illness. Yet I am starting to forget a lot of the bad, and the good is standing out more than when he was alive. Maybe that is what truly makes our bod and commitment. Many couples end up seperating during such a difficul time. I never once thought about not takeing care of him. Many times I wanted to run away and never look back. The thought of Kevin being alone faceing this was to horrific to contimplate. Our strength was with one another. Whe together we held ourselves up and took strength from each other. Each givving all he had, and sometimes more.
I am still so angry at the lack of recognition of our relationship. Kevin was also. He felt estremly slighted by those who would not accept us. I gues that is where a lot of my aner comes from. People who look at us as undeserving of recognition, and respect. Straight couples who go through this are given no extra prais, they are expected to do it. Many do not hold up to their end of the bargin. Kevin and I made a commitment to be together through the good the bad and the ugly. We stayed true to our life and bult one that is envied by many people we know and just aquanted with. I can only think of 10 couples that have made it as long as we did. Most of those are gay, and lesbian What does that say for the tru meaning of marriage?

What in the hell is wrong with me !

I hve been doing pretty good latley, untill I turned the TV off last night. I was finished with the bike and when I closed the cabinet doors the tears gust started. this was without warnning. I had this grief just it me like a Mack truck. I could not stop cryin or my mind racing from one regrett to another. I do not like not to be in control and this was just pittiful. The only way to cope was to take a sleeping pill and just knok myself out. This morning is a little better. I wonder if it has to do with the rings not being done, the weather, not being able to get a handel on the house, or what? I do know this has to stop or I will not recover. This is the worst since of emptyness since Kevin actualy died. Actuallythis is worse than when he died. I had a plan and thngs to acomplish that could not be put off. I had a since of urgency and usefulness. Now nothing is urgent and I feel as if I am taking up space and air that could go to better uses. What I would not give to have 15 minutes more with him in a lucid state.

A Good Day Today

Today I did the walk with Dave, only two laps. Did a lot around the house and went to the grocery store. I am getting into a little routine and that is good for me. The business of living does not stop for anything. I was able to keep busy today and was doing OK until the end of the movie I was watching,"Passengers", was about the aftermath of a plan crash with a surprise at the end. Everyone dies!!! So the tears ensued. I looked at some of our photo albums and listened to the Art Garfunkel record. About thirty minutes of a good cry and I am all better now. I am finding it easier to get past the tearful episodes now. I am not afraid of never stopping any more. Time will allow me to get better emotionally. Well it is not like I have ever been the picture of emotional health. More like the Prozac poster boy. I am getting better at dealing with the loneliness in the house alone in the evenings. Getting back to the bike has helped in many ways. My sugars are doing a lot better, and I am feeling better all around. I am sleeping well without any aids. All in all I think I am doing very good. If I am not then oh well.

Keeping on keeping on

Last nigh my friend Dave's dog Bubba died. This was like loosing a child to Dave. I helped him carry Bubba to the Jeep and take him to the crematoriam. Bubba was a Bull-Mastif and weighed about 120 lbs. Today was busy. I managed to get everything on my to do list did. I even did 379 calories on the bike tonight!! I fel a lot better. Well I am abel to keep things in check so I am not on the verge of sobbing most of the time. I thnk I should sleep soundly tonight. I am falling asleep a I type.
Good Night

Made it through Sunday

I not only made it through, I actually had a good day. Kevin was on my mind all of the time, but not in a sad way. The BBQ was fun. Dale, C.C., Rich, Heather, and all 4 girls, Denny, Deloris Teresa, Charlie, and Dave were all there. Mattie rubbed my neck and head for a long time. She almost put me to sleep! After I drooped Dave off at home and went to the gym to work out, and take a shower. Never worked out, sat in whirlpool, and sauna. Actually ran into someone and started to talk, he lost his partner in February. It was nice to talk with someone who understand what I am going through. Maybe I will check in to a support group. Well on the way home stooped at Wittie's. Watched news, wrote in my journal (have to get a new one, filled this last one up), and went to bed. I really was missing Kevin, but not in a bleak way. Talking to someone who went through this and came out on the other side in one peace reallyy helped. It is strange how loving Max has been. Saturday night when I was really bad he stayed right by me and kept snuggling me. He normally runs away when I am like that. I believe Kevin was there with me encouraging Max to give me some affection that Kevin could not. Well thats what I think anyway.

One Month

Kevin passed one month ago today, I do not know why I had such a bad night last night. Was it the memories of his last night, or the pluming problems. It was probably a combination of the two. Kevin always took care of the maintenance on the house and he probably would have been able to steer me into the right direction in the first place. As it was I stayed at home and watched TV, and cried most of the night and early morning. The overwhelming sense of loss was nearly as bad as when he died. I feel better today, but I am still haunted by the life we could have had if only ? I wanted so badly for him to treat the infection this last time but I could not say that. Kevin needed my support and I gave it unconditionally. He would ask me if I was OK with the decision and wanted me to give some input. I told him I was but refused to elaborate. I really think Kevin was more afraid of what taking care of him was doing to me than himself.
Well off for another BBQ at my patents. I think I will make an extra effort not to darken the day. But I am not making any promises. I am really on the edge right now and let's face it my drive to crazy has never been more than getting the keys out!!

Keeping Busy!!

I am setting here waiting on a plum er. The shower control valve is leaking!! I have had a good few days. Yesterday I went to visit with Kevin's parents. Kevin had a few things he wanted them to have. I never knew Kevin was in the scouts. He was a Weeblo, and a Cub Scout. The camping was too much for his delicate little self:). After I had dinner with Keith and Doris at Texas Roadhouse. On the way home I managed to enjoy the sunroof and heated seats of the new car. I really thought this would be extremely difficult being the one month anniversary of Kevin's death, but so far so good. The more I think about him the easier it gets. I am remembering so many little things from all of our years together. Going through all of our stuff has triggered some wonderful memories. I can not believe all I had forgotten.
The days are getting somewhat easier. I am getting into a routine, and that is how I thrive. I was positive that staying in town for Kevin's birthday this year was a huge mistake. Now I am not so sure. The right thing for me might just be keeping with traditions! I am not Kevin, changes are not fearful to me, but I do like to keep my routine. The legal stuff is continuing and the financial is getting into place. I will be so glad when I am able to move. The memories in this house are sometimes overwhelming. I try to get things organized and get lost in the past. Usualy it is something minor, like a note or a photo. I worry that I maight never be able to live in the present. That scares me more than trying to go on my own. The past is something that I never let bog me down, now it is almost as if I only exist in my memories. I have a difficult time seeing myself as a middle aged man who is once again single, and unsure of his future. This is OK when you are 25, but I have to start getting things into perspective!

Steps to Independence

I did something yesterday that I have not done in over 20 years. I bought a new car by myself! I have not dealt with the financing stuff the entire time Kevin and I were together. I fought with the dealers about the price, but Kevin was the money man. I am quite proud of myself, I managed to get $10,000. off by buying a program car. I did manage to get the top of the line Sonata. I have not been taken back by overwhelming bouts of balling in a few days.
I am not sure what to expect this weekend. Sunday is the one month anniversary of Kevin's death. I have been warned that this will be a hard time. I am trying to keep busy. Dad is BBQing on Sunday, so that will be most of the afternoon. I am going to a musical performance on Saturday night with Betsy and Brenda. So that evening should be OK. The music should help remember how much Kevin loved it.
I was going through the small memory boxes and found some of the pins from his school band and singing awards. I also ran across the albums from his performances in High School. I feel these are treasures that I will keep for a while. Kevin treasured these items and they make me feel he is here.