Back to the World

I am feeling so much better. This week is going to be busy. Tomorrow Keith, Teresa, and I are going to see the attorney to activate the trust. I hope that everything needed is here. Kevin would not have left anything so hidden as to impede the progress. I try to look through some pictures each night before bed. The photos are very helpful in remembering our life. The amazing thing is I have no sadness when looking at them. The first few times I did this the tears flooded me. Now I just have happy memories. The interesting thing is Kevin never wanted a child and I did. The last few years before he got sick he seemed to waver on this a bit. We realized we were too set in our ways, and it would not be fair to bring a child into my health situation. I am so grateful we never did. I could not imagine having to care for another person at this time. The reality is that just getting through the last 2 years has overwhelmed me. I could not fathom having to provide for a child's emotional needs and Kevin at the same time. Kevin was once again correct. The last thing I really ever needed was a child. Now at this stage of my life the concentration is on myself. This is the first time in many years that I am just having to suffer the consequences of my actions alone, as well as have no one to share my triumphs with. The big ones are easy, it is the small successes that will be mine alone. I managed to get the house straightened today. Kevin would have told me how nice it looks. He would hve said this if it did or not.
Kevin offered me encouragement to return to school. I believed that it as too expensive and I was too old. He was my go to guy for edumicational aid. I am not sure how I can get through the remained of my classes wih out him to encourage me, or to check my writing assignments, math, etc. I think he was more proud of my 4.0 the last semester I was in school as I was. Kevin was able to let me go full time knowing that the tuumor was getting worse. School occupied so much of my time that I missed the little signs. I thought Kevin would live well past me, no matter how many times I told him the condo was waiting for me. I just never realized that he would actually die. A few days before he died it hit me that he was going to die this time. When I told him this, and asked if he wanted to start treatment again, he told me it was alright. He was comforting me, while the infection was raging in him. He rolled over on his right side, put his good arm around me and kissed my head telling me that everything was going to be fine in the end. That was the last time I cried before he died. Strange that I was so comforted by him accepting his death.