I have decided to make one resolution this year. I have not made any in years. I am going to get back in touch with the world. The more I think about the future the more I see that the grieving process is moving forward. I know that I will never have the normal life I had come to know and depend on with Kevin, but a new normal. The trick is to balance the memories of what was with the reality of what will be. The past is unchangeable, the future is wide open. I have to decide what I want out of life for myself. Did that sound narcissistic? I am giving myself permission to be a single person again. That does not mean that I am ready to try and date or even really meat someone new for any serious emotional commitment, but the world is full of other lonely people who want a little comfort too. I have to get my health back under control or that will reach critical mass soon.
Last night at the grief co uncling group, one of the facilitators mentioned that I seemed more relaxed, and I realized that I was. For the first time in what seems like years I am relaxed. The condo is coming along and I am starting to get a handle on things. I am making plans, and looking forward to completing them. I will always miss Kevin, no matter where I am or what I am doing. He is a permanent part of me that is now beginning to be a comfort instead of a burden. I guess that the books are correct. You never loose your grief, or finish morning, it simply changes into something else. With luck it changes into something that gives you a smile not a tear. I hope to get there someday, but for now I will take what I can get.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Plans for the New Decade
I have come to realize that I have to get myself together. I have not let myself move forward from Kevin's death. I hold a feeling of guilt for living while he is gone. I know that this is normal, and if I did not feel these things would be even more wrong. I am having to look at how I have been avoiding the world for months now. Kevin's limitations gave me the perfect excuse for a long time, now I feel as if I have to get it together or lose all touch with the outside world. Blocking out the world has been far easier that I ever thought it would be. I have no desire to participate or interact with others. It is very easy to do this, far too easy for me. I used Kevin's illness for so long that I just continued after his death. I do not blame him, it is the nature of taking care of someone you love. Being the primary caregiver for someone who is slowly slipping away, without any formal training to know what to expect, is the most difficult thing in the world.
My life is in such flux, and has been for so long that I am not prepared to have a regulated and somewhat stable life. This is something that I have to do in order to survive and have any kind of future, with any happiness. That is something I can not really see for myself now. Kevin is the reason that I have to go on and get back to the business of living. He worked so hard to make sure that I had a future that was not unlike the life with him. He was always a good provider, and in the end that is all he could do for me. Kevin would have been surprised that I am having such a difficult time. I was always the one that steamrolled through everything and everyone. I am just out of steam and can not seem to build it back up.
I have so much to and the time to do it in is not that abundant. My time is going and I have to get on with it. School is starting in a few weeks, and the trip to Phoenix is just a week away. I am feeling like the ability to manage my life is out of my control. The main thing is to get a plan and start soon. i can stick to a plan, I have passed the plan for what to do after Kevin died. Everything that I had to do in that plan has been done. I set the goal of 11-2010 as the date I take control of my life. That is just a few days away, and I am not prepared for the next step yet. Some of the most important decisions in my life have to be made and made by myself. i no longer have Kevin to include or ask in what direction I should go. He was my safe point, I always knew that no matter what choices I made he would always stand by me, well sometimes not too close. I always knew that if I crashed he would pick up the pieces and put me back together. I have to be able to get myself together and preppier to lick my own wounds.
My life is in such flux, and has been for so long that I am not prepared to have a regulated and somewhat stable life. This is something that I have to do in order to survive and have any kind of future, with any happiness. That is something I can not really see for myself now. Kevin is the reason that I have to go on and get back to the business of living. He worked so hard to make sure that I had a future that was not unlike the life with him. He was always a good provider, and in the end that is all he could do for me. Kevin would have been surprised that I am having such a difficult time. I was always the one that steamrolled through everything and everyone. I am just out of steam and can not seem to build it back up.
I have so much to and the time to do it in is not that abundant. My time is going and I have to get on with it. School is starting in a few weeks, and the trip to Phoenix is just a week away. I am feeling like the ability to manage my life is out of my control. The main thing is to get a plan and start soon. i can stick to a plan, I have passed the plan for what to do after Kevin died. Everything that I had to do in that plan has been done. I set the goal of 11-2010 as the date I take control of my life. That is just a few days away, and I am not prepared for the next step yet. Some of the most important decisions in my life have to be made and made by myself. i no longer have Kevin to include or ask in what direction I should go. He was my safe point, I always knew that no matter what choices I made he would always stand by me, well sometimes not too close. I always knew that if I crashed he would pick up the pieces and put me back together. I have to be able to get myself together and preppier to lick my own wounds.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Looking at the past
I know that looking over the past year is not necessarily the best for my mental state. Reviewing it does give me some perspective, that at the moment of writing about it is not possible. When fresh most of the incidents posted seem to be the most important ever, in retrospect they are not, the whole is far larger than the pieces. Who would have thought I could survive all of this with any stability left. I don't have much to begin with. I lost the most important person in my life, but I do have the memories of our years together. I have to remember that is more than most, and some never have it at all. Kevin's illness was not quick but he was capable of having control until the last few weeks. When I say control I mean how he would live, and die. He was a planer, and he was detailed. Above all he thought of me until the end, not always in a positive light. He left few things undone or said. I have been asked if it was better that we had time to prepair. I thought yes, but you are never prepared for loosing the love of your life. It is not as if he had a choice about the matter. That is what hurts the most, lack of choice.
Kevin always was frustrated by my black and white views of life. He liked to have a little gray. When the final hospital stay happened, he was forced to make a black or white choice. I told him that what ever decision he made I would support. this is the one time in my life that I did not let my wants expressed. Meany people would be surprised by this. The most difficult decision that effected me so completely. I felt and still do that the decision was his alone to make. I would have made other choices for him but for myself, I would not have treated the infection the second time. My courage is not that strong. Kevin wanted to live and see all of the joys that it held. He knew that the quality of his life was gone. He could no longer do anything without pain. His vision was being effected, and so was his ability to think.
I know that above all the mental loss was the hardest thing for him, and I believe it was the reason he made the decision he did. Kevin had a fear of being a delusional, lump, needing constant care. This he was able to avoid for the most part. He did not linger for months as he feared. I think he knew that I was about to break from the physical exhaustion. The procedures that were necessary to save his life would have taken months to recuperate. If he would have make it through the surgery. Kevin did not make this decision when everyone was informed, he had been making it for the 20 months he had to deal with his diagnosis. We knew from the beginning that the tumor was terminal. About this we had no illusions.
I know that some do not believe Kevin did make this decision with thought of how it would effect others, but he was thinking of everyone else and the imposable situation that had taken control of our lives. That was what finally made the decision for him. The disease had taken complete control of everything. Not one part of our lives had it not consumed. It controlled his eating, sleeping, mobility, vision, clarity of mind, and had ended our ability to even sleep in the same bed. This is not a big deal to many, but this was when Kevin and I were alone and talked, and made the most important decisions of our life together. It was the most intimate time of us. It hurt him to hold or be held by anyone.
The loss of his ability to protect those he loved was devastating for Kevin, he had to be protected and he could not live that way. He really could not live at all, just exist. That is not life, it is torture. So if you agree of disagree with the decision Kevin made, remember it was not selfish, it was made for all of us who he had to leave in order to protect and care for again.
Kevin always was frustrated by my black and white views of life. He liked to have a little gray. When the final hospital stay happened, he was forced to make a black or white choice. I told him that what ever decision he made I would support. this is the one time in my life that I did not let my wants expressed. Meany people would be surprised by this. The most difficult decision that effected me so completely. I felt and still do that the decision was his alone to make. I would have made other choices for him but for myself, I would not have treated the infection the second time. My courage is not that strong. Kevin wanted to live and see all of the joys that it held. He knew that the quality of his life was gone. He could no longer do anything without pain. His vision was being effected, and so was his ability to think.
I know that above all the mental loss was the hardest thing for him, and I believe it was the reason he made the decision he did. Kevin had a fear of being a delusional, lump, needing constant care. This he was able to avoid for the most part. He did not linger for months as he feared. I think he knew that I was about to break from the physical exhaustion. The procedures that were necessary to save his life would have taken months to recuperate. If he would have make it through the surgery. Kevin did not make this decision when everyone was informed, he had been making it for the 20 months he had to deal with his diagnosis. We knew from the beginning that the tumor was terminal. About this we had no illusions.
I know that some do not believe Kevin did make this decision with thought of how it would effect others, but he was thinking of everyone else and the imposable situation that had taken control of our lives. That was what finally made the decision for him. The disease had taken complete control of everything. Not one part of our lives had it not consumed. It controlled his eating, sleeping, mobility, vision, clarity of mind, and had ended our ability to even sleep in the same bed. This is not a big deal to many, but this was when Kevin and I were alone and talked, and made the most important decisions of our life together. It was the most intimate time of us. It hurt him to hold or be held by anyone.
The loss of his ability to protect those he loved was devastating for Kevin, he had to be protected and he could not live that way. He really could not live at all, just exist. That is not life, it is torture. So if you agree of disagree with the decision Kevin made, remember it was not selfish, it was made for all of us who he had to leave in order to protect and care for again.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Year in Review
Last night I read the blog from the beginning to the last post. My editing is atrocious. Well I am not surprised. I could track Kevin's decline. Not just in the updates I put in but in his posts. I could see errors in his writing that he would never have made normally. It gives me a sense of comfort that I do have his last communications with the world to keep. There are times when the past year is like a nightmare. Seeing in in writing makes me realize that I did go through it and managed to survive so far. I can see my own desperate pleas in the words as well. I still have a hard time remembering everything clearly or at all. Strange how how the mind protects itself by simply blocking out what it can not deal with.
I still do not remember the services for Kevin and the only thing I do remember is seeing him after he had died and it looked like he had a smile on his face. That will stay with me forever. I think that was what let me do what had to be done and finish up the arrangements he had so painstakingly made. I can see that I knew the end was coming better than he did, until the last hospital visit. I knew inside that he was done, one thing about Kevin he was stubborn. When he made up his mind about something changing it was imposable, and he always accused me of being stubborn.
The new year is upon me and the old one is mostly a vauge haze in my minds eye. Memory is a funny thing some of the worst moments stand out in frount of the wonderful ones. I have went to hell and am still traveling through. Trying not to slow down or take any detours. The thought of passing the exit sign still seems far from me. I have often said that we live in a hell of our own makeing, and it it true. Until I can grasp the reality of the past I am forced to be constantly examining it. One day that will end, just when or how I am unsure. One thing I do know is that life is for the living. Kevin and I had a huge fight about this just before my birthday this year. I told him he was acting like he was already dead. I think he realized that his actions were destroying everything we had built together. He started to live again, just to have his life taken when he was feeling a little reliefe. Nothing can change what was, nothing can let one go back for a do over. That would only work if we were allowed to change things. Changing someting then could upset the ballance and you would never have been abel to go back. Strante how the laws of nature are frinite and unbending. They are also the only laws one can never get away with breaking.
I still do not remember the services for Kevin and the only thing I do remember is seeing him after he had died and it looked like he had a smile on his face. That will stay with me forever. I think that was what let me do what had to be done and finish up the arrangements he had so painstakingly made. I can see that I knew the end was coming better than he did, until the last hospital visit. I knew inside that he was done, one thing about Kevin he was stubborn. When he made up his mind about something changing it was imposable, and he always accused me of being stubborn.
The new year is upon me and the old one is mostly a vauge haze in my minds eye. Memory is a funny thing some of the worst moments stand out in frount of the wonderful ones. I have went to hell and am still traveling through. Trying not to slow down or take any detours. The thought of passing the exit sign still seems far from me. I have often said that we live in a hell of our own makeing, and it it true. Until I can grasp the reality of the past I am forced to be constantly examining it. One day that will end, just when or how I am unsure. One thing I do know is that life is for the living. Kevin and I had a huge fight about this just before my birthday this year. I told him he was acting like he was already dead. I think he realized that his actions were destroying everything we had built together. He started to live again, just to have his life taken when he was feeling a little reliefe. Nothing can change what was, nothing can let one go back for a do over. That would only work if we were allowed to change things. Changing someting then could upset the ballance and you would never have been abel to go back. Strante how the laws of nature are frinite and unbending. They are also the only laws one can never get away with breaking.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Christmas Day
Yesterday was an exercise in control. I just wanted to be alone and left to my own devices. The obligations of family trump the desires of me. The lunch at Keith's was actually calm, and not too much. Mr. Russell acknowledged that Kevin was an emptiness, so the cat was out of the bag. Mason and Meg only wanted to play with the new toys and be left alone. They are older and calmer. I left there at 2 to go home and wrap presents for Teresa's, and make bean dip. I went to the Dr. in the morning and of course my weight is up and he told me it was time to focus on taking care of myself. I have no desire to do anything that is good for me right now. All I really want to do is eat everything and have a lot of Jack Daniels, he makes the pain of life a little numb. I really need this right now. I have never been one to run away from difficulties, but I am overwhelmed right now.
Teresa's was lively to say the least! I arrived after some of the revelers, which is not the norm. The largest mass of the party goers left rather early. Those with little party goers had to get home and get the the overexcited kids to sleep so Santa could make his way into the house and collect his blackmail for letting the kids love their parents on Christmas Morning. I left about 8:30 and came home to watch "A Christmas Story" marathon on TBS. This is my favorite show of all time in the holiday movies. i did laundry what a fun time. Funny how things can change in a matter of one year. Last year Kevin and I did our usual ritual. Came home form Teresa's and then a little time watching TV in bed, then preparing for the next day by recounting the past Christmas. I was always up early, Kevin always slept in until he had to get up and get ready to go to Illinois. Then off we would be and late lunch open gifts, then over to my parents for a short while. The end of the day was always ours together. We kept one gift for each other to open just with ourselves. Usually this was the most personal gift. We always went to be and talked about what the new year would bring. Last year we really did not go past the tirp to Pheonix. We never made that trip. Kevin started to really go down hill after that.
I had no idea 2008 was our last Christmas togeter. Kevin had been doing so well. I had come to have a little hope. Huge mistake. It was the jworst year of my life. Kevin slowly sliped away after that. January 1, 2009 was the beginning of the end. Afer that day I knew our time was limited and I would be alone by 2010.
Teresa's was lively to say the least! I arrived after some of the revelers, which is not the norm. The largest mass of the party goers left rather early. Those with little party goers had to get home and get the the overexcited kids to sleep so Santa could make his way into the house and collect his blackmail for letting the kids love their parents on Christmas Morning. I left about 8:30 and came home to watch "A Christmas Story" marathon on TBS. This is my favorite show of all time in the holiday movies. i did laundry what a fun time. Funny how things can change in a matter of one year. Last year Kevin and I did our usual ritual. Came home form Teresa's and then a little time watching TV in bed, then preparing for the next day by recounting the past Christmas. I was always up early, Kevin always slept in until he had to get up and get ready to go to Illinois. Then off we would be and late lunch open gifts, then over to my parents for a short while. The end of the day was always ours together. We kept one gift for each other to open just with ourselves. Usually this was the most personal gift. We always went to be and talked about what the new year would bring. Last year we really did not go past the tirp to Pheonix. We never made that trip. Kevin started to really go down hill after that.
I had no idea 2008 was our last Christmas togeter. Kevin had been doing so well. I had come to have a little hope. Huge mistake. It was the jworst year of my life. Kevin slowly sliped away after that. January 1, 2009 was the beginning of the end. Afer that day I knew our time was limited and I would be alone by 2010.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Holidaze are upon me
I have been busy at nothing it seams. Every time I manage to accomplish one goal 2 more pop up or I forget until the last minute. Spent last evening with the Russell clan. The kids were a blast! It was strange how the seat next to me, a chair with ottoman was empty. No one tried to sit in it. Somehow it was filled with Kevin's spirit. I know this is strange and most think I am nuts, but he was there with us. His absence in physical form was like the 300 pound gorilla in the room. No one talked about him. It was strange, as if simply mentioning him would make things worse. The kids did not know the difference, but every adult knew it. The kids do not ask about Uncle Kevin anymore. I know the little one's will forget him in time. Heidi should have a few memories of him though.
I received a card from Lou and Carol they had a tree planted in Kevin's name at a national forest. This seems fitting. Something with his name will be around long after we are all gone. I wonder if it will even matter? In two or three generations we will all just be stories associated with pictures. Strange to think of yourself as an image with no real meaning to someone. The new year is coming and with it new memories. Maybe a new life can start form the ashes of the old one. I am not holding my breath. HA HA. The idea of being in a life without Kevin is still so foreign to me. I just can not fathom how I will be able to go on. I still want to discuss the day and decisions with him. Sometimes I do. He has yet to give me an answer.
I know that writing this is for myself, and not truly for posterity. Yet is gives me a feeling of touching the outside world and still remain here in the memories that make me comfortable. Baby steps, that is what I am told. Well the baby is ready to have a meltdown. The needs of the one are starting to outweigh the needs of the many. I am looking forward to something, I just do not know what yet.
I received a card from Lou and Carol they had a tree planted in Kevin's name at a national forest. This seems fitting. Something with his name will be around long after we are all gone. I wonder if it will even matter? In two or three generations we will all just be stories associated with pictures. Strange to think of yourself as an image with no real meaning to someone. The new year is coming and with it new memories. Maybe a new life can start form the ashes of the old one. I am not holding my breath. HA HA. The idea of being in a life without Kevin is still so foreign to me. I just can not fathom how I will be able to go on. I still want to discuss the day and decisions with him. Sometimes I do. He has yet to give me an answer.
I know that writing this is for myself, and not truly for posterity. Yet is gives me a feeling of touching the outside world and still remain here in the memories that make me comfortable. Baby steps, that is what I am told. Well the baby is ready to have a meltdown. The needs of the one are starting to outweigh the needs of the many. I am looking forward to something, I just do not know what yet.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Settelling In
It has been a few days, but the move is nearly over. I am settling in at the condo. I have phone, Internet,and Uverse. I have had a few moments to regret the move and thinking that I made a mistake in leaving the house. Now I am seeing that this was the best for me. The change is what I need. I could have never moved past the life Kevin and I made while living in the most memorable symbol of it. I am not sure how the new place will workout, but I will sooner or later.
I go by the house every day and get a load of stuff, and the mail. Yesterday I opened a cart for Kevin. It was his Birthday card form Food Outreach. I was really taken back. I had a mini breakdown, and it took about an hour to recover. I still am surprised at some little thing that brings back the loss. I am realizing that this grieving is going to go on for a long time. According to the experts, I am going to be doing this the rest of my life. I am starting to get a handle on the anger. I understand that the anger is at myself. I am also torn between trying to get back into life, with a new normal. This is a hard thing to do, when your normal is fifteen years in the making.
Some days are better than others. I can not bring myself to participate in the social side of life. I still do not consider what I am doing living. I am existing.
I may never get past this and that will be OK. I have to do what is best for me and not apologise for what is necessary. Being selfish is not a problem for me in the first place.
The future is out there if only I wanted it. Strange how I use to always think about what was next in life, and now I dread it. Each new day moves we further away from the live Kevin and I built together. Moving forward means giving up on the life I cherished, and wanted. Kevin was constant. He was the anchor that I held onto. Without him I feel adrift and unattached to anything, or anyone. Not exactly what you want for yourself at 41. This time of my life was suppose to be settled and calm. Not being thrown one way and then another. I thought that by now I would either be finished with school or close to a bachelors. This was when I can not refocus on a life that is way gone. I am looking forward to going back to school, and part of me wants to just say in bed and just sleep. Kevin gave me so much support in everything I did. I just keep on going with some semblance of normality, and ties to the past. Kevin is the reason that I really want to finish school and accomplish at least one goal in my life. Kevin was always frustrated with how easily I could be derailed, but not with my education. I think he was proud of the accomplishment I have done scholastically. He did not understand my drive to keep up an average of 3.75 or jbetter and often told me that I did not have to try for perfection. Well time to go to the movie and maybe see some snow.
I go by the house every day and get a load of stuff, and the mail. Yesterday I opened a cart for Kevin. It was his Birthday card form Food Outreach. I was really taken back. I had a mini breakdown, and it took about an hour to recover. I still am surprised at some little thing that brings back the loss. I am realizing that this grieving is going to go on for a long time. According to the experts, I am going to be doing this the rest of my life. I am starting to get a handle on the anger. I understand that the anger is at myself. I am also torn between trying to get back into life, with a new normal. This is a hard thing to do, when your normal is fifteen years in the making.
Some days are better than others. I can not bring myself to participate in the social side of life. I still do not consider what I am doing living. I am existing.
I may never get past this and that will be OK. I have to do what is best for me and not apologise for what is necessary. Being selfish is not a problem for me in the first place.
The future is out there if only I wanted it. Strange how I use to always think about what was next in life, and now I dread it. Each new day moves we further away from the live Kevin and I built together. Moving forward means giving up on the life I cherished, and wanted. Kevin was constant. He was the anchor that I held onto. Without him I feel adrift and unattached to anything, or anyone. Not exactly what you want for yourself at 41. This time of my life was suppose to be settled and calm. Not being thrown one way and then another. I thought that by now I would either be finished with school or close to a bachelors. This was when I can not refocus on a life that is way gone. I am looking forward to going back to school, and part of me wants to just say in bed and just sleep. Kevin gave me so much support in everything I did. I just keep on going with some semblance of normality, and ties to the past. Kevin is the reason that I really want to finish school and accomplish at least one goal in my life. Kevin was always frustrated with how easily I could be derailed, but not with my education. I think he was proud of the accomplishment I have done scholastically. He did not understand my drive to keep up an average of 3.75 or jbetter and often told me that I did not have to try for perfection. Well time to go to the movie and maybe see some snow.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Getting Seteled
Well a few nights at the new place and I am settling in. Have unpacked a lot, but have a lot to still get out of the house. I have Jury Duty this week and can not find the pass to get in with. I am sure it is somewhere in the paperwork I took over yesterday. The condo is starting to feel a little like where I belong. Every time I come to the house the idea that Kevin will be waiting for me is diminishing. I am starting to fully accept that he is never coming back.
Yesterday was long and arduous. I have the bedroom set up and just need to get the art hung, and the couple of boxes put away and that room is complete. The dinning room is another matter. it is full of empty boxes and the unassembled table. I have to move all of it into the second bedroom for Bill to do the trim painting anyhow. The kitchen is as well as can be expected with 2 fridges, and a washer in it. I know things will work out in time. I just feel that time is of the essence for some reason. I want to complete this and get the house sold. School will start on January 17, and I want to have the condo completed by then.
Kevin is constantly on my mind as of late. I am second guessing everything I do as if he were questioning me, all in my mind of course. I can not help but wonder if he misses me as much as I do him, and would he be OK with the decisions that I have made? I know that is a little creepy, but it is the way I feel none the less. I am starting to accept that the grieving process is never going to end. I had the idea that by now life would have moved forward for me. Most days I feel it never truly will. The strange part is that it no longer oppresses me. Could I be accepting the future in store for me, and and not the one I had planed.
Planning, strange how the plans we make can be so destroyed by reality. The knowledge I have gained over the past couple of years about this could fill a book. I always thought that my personality was one that could accept and embrace change at a whim. The truth is that I am far more like Kevin that I could have ever known. We always appeared to be such polar opposites, I was just more outgoing than Kevin. Possibly more self assured, and defiantly more careless. Kevin always analyzed what he did before doing it. I have always just done it, and worried about the consequences after. Now the need to examine each decision made is a necessity. I no longer think about what is the most fun, or the coolest item. I think about the practicality of it and the cost. This is so unlike me. Well I have put off sorting and packing long enough.
Yesterday was long and arduous. I have the bedroom set up and just need to get the art hung, and the couple of boxes put away and that room is complete. The dinning room is another matter. it is full of empty boxes and the unassembled table. I have to move all of it into the second bedroom for Bill to do the trim painting anyhow. The kitchen is as well as can be expected with 2 fridges, and a washer in it. I know things will work out in time. I just feel that time is of the essence for some reason. I want to complete this and get the house sold. School will start on January 17, and I want to have the condo completed by then.
Kevin is constantly on my mind as of late. I am second guessing everything I do as if he were questioning me, all in my mind of course. I can not help but wonder if he misses me as much as I do him, and would he be OK with the decisions that I have made? I know that is a little creepy, but it is the way I feel none the less. I am starting to accept that the grieving process is never going to end. I had the idea that by now life would have moved forward for me. Most days I feel it never truly will. The strange part is that it no longer oppresses me. Could I be accepting the future in store for me, and and not the one I had planed.
Planning, strange how the plans we make can be so destroyed by reality. The knowledge I have gained over the past couple of years about this could fill a book. I always thought that my personality was one that could accept and embrace change at a whim. The truth is that I am far more like Kevin that I could have ever known. We always appeared to be such polar opposites, I was just more outgoing than Kevin. Possibly more self assured, and defiantly more careless. Kevin always analyzed what he did before doing it. I have always just done it, and worried about the consequences after. Now the need to examine each decision made is a necessity. I no longer think about what is the most fun, or the coolest item. I think about the practicality of it and the cost. This is so unlike me. Well I have put off sorting and packing long enough.
Friday, December 11, 2009
The MOVE !!!
It has been a few days. I am in the condo, and without Internet there until 12/17. I am checking, and still moving things from the house. I did better the first night, last night, than I thought I would. Had some guilt about leaving the home Kevin and I built. The loneliness was almost paralyzing for a while, then the tears and finally I was better. Slept well, Ambien induced. Still have a lot of stuff at the house to do. I have not even started on the basement and the attic!!
The time seems to sweep past me. I feel that the entire world is on fast forward, and I am stuck in low. The longer this seems to be the further behind I feel. I have to go and get some dinner before I have a blood sugar melt down. More later when I can wrap my head around all the emotions going through me right now. Hard enough to keep myself in control much less share what is in my mind.
The time seems to sweep past me. I feel that the entire world is on fast forward, and I am stuck in low. The longer this seems to be the further behind I feel. I have to go and get some dinner before I have a blood sugar melt down. More later when I can wrap my head around all the emotions going through me right now. Hard enough to keep myself in control much less share what is in my mind.
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
Forgetting things
Yesterday was a late start. I did not get out of the house until after noon. I did manage to get the majority of the address changes done though. I went to the condo and did a little touch up painting. Decided that the Kitchen will get the final coat of paint after the move. I needed a little time to myself and went to see New Moon. It was OK, the wolf stud was the one she should have chosen, not nelly little Edward. That Bella has a lot to learn about men! Well i was on my way home form the movie at 6:45 and realized the the grief counseling session started at 6:30! I managed to get their by 7:30 and had an hour left. I felt so stupid.
We did talk about feeling guilty and angry. Two points that seem to control me. The advice was right on. Who is this anger really hurting, and why waste the emotion. The later is answered with anger gives me energy, and strength. The first, who is it really hurting, is really me. I am holding on to anger so I do not have to let go of Kevin. I truly can not see a future without him in it and being mad at him keeps him here with me. The trick is to replace that anger with a more positive feeling. I was also still fuming over the memorial at Valhalla. The photo that Ed and Virgina chose was terrible. It was from Kevin's 30Th birthday at the house on S. Virgina. His dad thought it was form his 20Th birthday. When I asked why they did not contact me to get a newer photo all I got was a shrug, and I don't know. Was this a way for them to take control of the service? Probably not intentionally. I do feel as if Kevin's wishes were not honored. I also understand that this was for the survivors, not the deceased. I consider it my duty to keep Kevin's wishes upheld. I will have to be more vigilant with this.
I just do not understand how someone can be so cavalier with the wishes of a dead man who was someone that you loved. I am probably blowing this out of proportion; but I am furious over it. I do believe that the manager of Valhalla has a clear picture on who is to be contacted about further matters involving Kevin. He did not get back to me yesterday, but I will give him until Friday, then contact him again. I am sure he will have the issues solved in a prompt manner.
We did talk about feeling guilty and angry. Two points that seem to control me. The advice was right on. Who is this anger really hurting, and why waste the emotion. The later is answered with anger gives me energy, and strength. The first, who is it really hurting, is really me. I am holding on to anger so I do not have to let go of Kevin. I truly can not see a future without him in it and being mad at him keeps him here with me. The trick is to replace that anger with a more positive feeling. I was also still fuming over the memorial at Valhalla. The photo that Ed and Virgina chose was terrible. It was from Kevin's 30Th birthday at the house on S. Virgina. His dad thought it was form his 20Th birthday. When I asked why they did not contact me to get a newer photo all I got was a shrug, and I don't know. Was this a way for them to take control of the service? Probably not intentionally. I do feel as if Kevin's wishes were not honored. I also understand that this was for the survivors, not the deceased. I consider it my duty to keep Kevin's wishes upheld. I will have to be more vigilant with this.
I just do not understand how someone can be so cavalier with the wishes of a dead man who was someone that you loved. I am probably blowing this out of proportion; but I am furious over it. I do believe that the manager of Valhalla has a clear picture on who is to be contacted about further matters involving Kevin. He did not get back to me yesterday, but I will give him until Friday, then contact him again. I am sure he will have the issues solved in a prompt manner.
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
Painting and Moving and Notifying OH MY!
Yesterday was very long. I started at 7am, went to school paid my tuition, went to get the Occupancy Permit for the condo, and was back home by 9. then I went to the condo and painted until about 10pm. Dave was there almost all day and we did the living and dinning rooms with 2 coats! Dale and C.C. came later and painted the Kitchen. Kitchen needs a little touch up and then it is all done. I did receive a call from Dan at Valhalla yesterday and he is suppose to call me back today. At least I am getting a response finally.
This has been a rough patch for me. The move and feeling a little like I am abandoning Kevin and the wonderful life we had together. He has been very active in the house lately. I hear him walking in the hall and upstairs. Kevin's cologne is strong in the house also, his side of the bed smells just like he is there, or just got up. I really had a balling fest last night. I think it was a combination of exhaustion, frustration, and angst. I felt much better after and really slept well. I am not moving too well today. Have so much to do before Thursday, and I am putting it off until the last. I am questioning the decision to move at all. I know in my mind it is the best thing for me. In my heart that is a different story.
Everywhere I look the house has memories of the last 14 years. Wow on the 17Th I would have lived in this house for 14 years. That is the longest I have lived anywhere in my entire life. The house represents my life in many ways. When we first moved in it was not bad to look at, but the systems were not the best. Over the years with upgrades it has become a strong and secure home that will weather almost anything, keeping those who live there safe and secure. When Kevin and I fist moved in my health was failing, and I really did not think that much life was left for me. As new medications improved my health, I realized that life was not as short as once was believed. Kevin and I began to look to a future beyond the next few months, but in the terms of years. I now have that future, but the cost was horrific, leaving me alone and longing to go back. I know that it is not possible to do that so forward I must proceed.
The hardest is balancing a future with no Kevin with the past that was all about us. Truly the most difficult part of loosing the person you shared your life with is adjusting to the singular. I have not done it yet. When or if I ever will remains to be seen. I can not see myself with anyone except Kevin. That is just my cross to bear. Well enough of this I have to get on with the day.
This has been a rough patch for me. The move and feeling a little like I am abandoning Kevin and the wonderful life we had together. He has been very active in the house lately. I hear him walking in the hall and upstairs. Kevin's cologne is strong in the house also, his side of the bed smells just like he is there, or just got up. I really had a balling fest last night. I think it was a combination of exhaustion, frustration, and angst. I felt much better after and really slept well. I am not moving too well today. Have so much to do before Thursday, and I am putting it off until the last. I am questioning the decision to move at all. I know in my mind it is the best thing for me. In my heart that is a different story.
Everywhere I look the house has memories of the last 14 years. Wow on the 17Th I would have lived in this house for 14 years. That is the longest I have lived anywhere in my entire life. The house represents my life in many ways. When we first moved in it was not bad to look at, but the systems were not the best. Over the years with upgrades it has become a strong and secure home that will weather almost anything, keeping those who live there safe and secure. When Kevin and I fist moved in my health was failing, and I really did not think that much life was left for me. As new medications improved my health, I realized that life was not as short as once was believed. Kevin and I began to look to a future beyond the next few months, but in the terms of years. I now have that future, but the cost was horrific, leaving me alone and longing to go back. I know that it is not possible to do that so forward I must proceed.
The hardest is balancing a future with no Kevin with the past that was all about us. Truly the most difficult part of loosing the person you shared your life with is adjusting to the singular. I have not done it yet. When or if I ever will remains to be seen. I can not see myself with anyone except Kevin. That is just my cross to bear. Well enough of this I have to get on with the day.
Saturday, December 05, 2009
A new place to live
The condo closed on Thursday without a hitch. Apparently paying cash is the easy way to buy a house. I have been busy moving boxes over and unpacking as I go. The big move is December 10. After that I will be sleeping in the new place. I do this with mixed emotions. Part of me wants to stay in the home Kevin and I made together. It offers a level of comfort. I know the bones of this place, and it knows me as well. I am starting to paint on Monday at the condo. We shall see how this works out. How bad can it be it is only paint, right? The start of a new home is scary! Will the neighbors like me will I be asked on the board of directors, will my next door neighbor be the next Jack the Ripper? So many wonderful possibilities. I also had my 4 upper front teeth capped the day of closing. With just the temporaries I am paranoid that I will loose one and have to wait for it to reappear! I am suppose to get the permanents on the 29Th. Christmas is so close. Why is it that I move in December?
Kevin and I moved into the house on December 17, 1995! Then the next day a light dusting of snow turned into a few inches about 4 or 5 I think. So many Holidays spent here. Kevin and I had 2 Christmases together before the house but the house brought out the spirit in Kevin. He wanted to decorate all over. I think it was a direct rebellion against his childhood. The holidays are really for the young, and especially at this time of year Kevin was. He was always enchanted by the lights and decorations. Having the nicest house on the block at Christmas was always one of his goals. The rules were, Lights and decorations up the day after Thanksgiving, unless great weather happened the week before. The decorations did not have to come down but after January 1 they could not be on.
I will not even bother with a tree this year, maybe never. I just have no desire to even have the stuff. I will keep some of the special decorations, but I do not see them ever being used in my lifetime again. I am just so done with it all. I have a goal of having everything done with the new place by January , and this house on the market by then. Too much? I don't think so, but I am a little bit of an overachiever. Well a bath is calling to my back.
Kevin and I moved into the house on December 17, 1995! Then the next day a light dusting of snow turned into a few inches about 4 or 5 I think. So many Holidays spent here. Kevin and I had 2 Christmases together before the house but the house brought out the spirit in Kevin. He wanted to decorate all over. I think it was a direct rebellion against his childhood. The holidays are really for the young, and especially at this time of year Kevin was. He was always enchanted by the lights and decorations. Having the nicest house on the block at Christmas was always one of his goals. The rules were, Lights and decorations up the day after Thanksgiving, unless great weather happened the week before. The decorations did not have to come down but after January 1 they could not be on.
I will not even bother with a tree this year, maybe never. I just have no desire to even have the stuff. I will keep some of the special decorations, but I do not see them ever being used in my lifetime again. I am just so done with it all. I have a goal of having everything done with the new place by January , and this house on the market by then. Too much? I don't think so, but I am a little bit of an overachiever. Well a bath is calling to my back.
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
1 Day to Close!!!
I went to the first of 6 weekly Grief Counseling sessions. The sessions are group, but it is only myself and one other person with 2 facilitators. I did get a lot of time, and feel a little better. The facilitators were a little surprised at all the changes I am making. Next week we are suppose to bring in a photo of our loved ones. I am not sure how this will help, other than to put a face with the stories. I think it may also make my loss more personal to the others. i think this will help a lot in the end. Some of the homework I have is to read how to deal with the holidays, and others who want to offer help that one does not want or need. It is all about doing what you feel you need to do. Not what others think you should or should not do. Very practical advice, I have always done as I wanted so this gives me justification.
I have to say that I am getting anxious about the Condo it is closing tomorrow, and a few things have to happen today. One of which is the insurance, another is the walk through. I have to make another list of things I want to do while I am there. One more list in my life, OMG! On a brighter note I am shooting for a party of some sort in the Condo around New Years. I am going to Phoenix on January 6, returning on January 11. I have not been out there since December 2007. that was when the tumor was still just a knee problem awaiting a Dr. to see it and do surgery. How different our life was to become 3 weeks later. I still look back at any sign I missed that would have indicated how serious it really was. I can not really find one, Kevin was not telling me about the "spasms", or the pressure he was feeling. I do remember on the flight back getting mad at him for spilling 2 sodas. He knocked them over with his right hand. In hindsight it was the tumor, if only. I have had a lot of if only in the past 2 years. I mentioned some of them in the last post.
Some reason for what happened to Kevin should be found, but it never will I know that and hopefully will someday accept it fully. I do know that by the time the knee started it was already too late for him to survive without being severely paralyzed on his right side, and possibly unable to speak for the rest of his life. The speaking thing I would not have minded too much, I would have decided what I wanted him to say. Ha Ha! Well then the outcome would have been very different, the headlines would have read "Man beaten to death with adding machine!" me of course being the victim. Well as much a victim as I could be. Strange how I have never seen myself in that way, victim. With the HIV, AIDS, and all of my other illnesses associated with them. Kevin I see as a victim of the tumor, but not myself. That is strange, the end results victimised me as well. Kevin never saw himself as a victim either. He was too busy working about how to keep everything in order and under control. I don't think Kevin ever understood about the lack of control that disease cause one until it happened to him.
Control, what an interesting word. I now know it is just an illusion that we allow ourselves to have. Nature has the real control over us. I should have known Kevin was controlling, he was a Controller when I met him. I remember looking it up, because I really did not know what that job was. Yes, I do not know everything and sometimes needs assistance. I am getting more and more ready to take what control over my life that I can. I am still not there yet. Kevin took care of so many little day to day necessities that allowed him control over the majority of our life together. I was more than willing to do this. I learned young that live is all about trade offs. Kevin thrived in doing the little details, I am infuriated by them. Kevin loved finding the penny that was off on a statement, and letting me know that I mad the mistake. My answer to this was I make the bill you pay them, it worked for us.
Many things worked for us that will not be happening for me again. Kevin will not be her to tell me that I am close to the limit on my credit card, that is why I have 2 is it not? He will never tell me again that I added instead of subtracting in my check book, I just look it up every day on line and go from there. This is what works for me, alone, without Kevin to fix it. We all have our coping mechanisms. Don't judge me!! Well I have to get a move on people to harass, customer service people to persecute. Wow my day is looking better and better. This is somewhat a funny, but not completely.
I have to say that I am getting anxious about the Condo it is closing tomorrow, and a few things have to happen today. One of which is the insurance, another is the walk through. I have to make another list of things I want to do while I am there. One more list in my life, OMG! On a brighter note I am shooting for a party of some sort in the Condo around New Years. I am going to Phoenix on January 6, returning on January 11. I have not been out there since December 2007. that was when the tumor was still just a knee problem awaiting a Dr. to see it and do surgery. How different our life was to become 3 weeks later. I still look back at any sign I missed that would have indicated how serious it really was. I can not really find one, Kevin was not telling me about the "spasms", or the pressure he was feeling. I do remember on the flight back getting mad at him for spilling 2 sodas. He knocked them over with his right hand. In hindsight it was the tumor, if only. I have had a lot of if only in the past 2 years. I mentioned some of them in the last post.
Some reason for what happened to Kevin should be found, but it never will I know that and hopefully will someday accept it fully. I do know that by the time the knee started it was already too late for him to survive without being severely paralyzed on his right side, and possibly unable to speak for the rest of his life. The speaking thing I would not have minded too much, I would have decided what I wanted him to say. Ha Ha! Well then the outcome would have been very different, the headlines would have read "Man beaten to death with adding machine!" me of course being the victim. Well as much a victim as I could be. Strange how I have never seen myself in that way, victim. With the HIV, AIDS, and all of my other illnesses associated with them. Kevin I see as a victim of the tumor, but not myself. That is strange, the end results victimised me as well. Kevin never saw himself as a victim either. He was too busy working about how to keep everything in order and under control. I don't think Kevin ever understood about the lack of control that disease cause one until it happened to him.
Control, what an interesting word. I now know it is just an illusion that we allow ourselves to have. Nature has the real control over us. I should have known Kevin was controlling, he was a Controller when I met him. I remember looking it up, because I really did not know what that job was. Yes, I do not know everything and sometimes needs assistance. I am getting more and more ready to take what control over my life that I can. I am still not there yet. Kevin took care of so many little day to day necessities that allowed him control over the majority of our life together. I was more than willing to do this. I learned young that live is all about trade offs. Kevin thrived in doing the little details, I am infuriated by them. Kevin loved finding the penny that was off on a statement, and letting me know that I mad the mistake. My answer to this was I make the bill you pay them, it worked for us.
Many things worked for us that will not be happening for me again. Kevin will not be her to tell me that I am close to the limit on my credit card, that is why I have 2 is it not? He will never tell me again that I added instead of subtracting in my check book, I just look it up every day on line and go from there. This is what works for me, alone, without Kevin to fix it. We all have our coping mechanisms. Don't judge me!! Well I have to get a move on people to harass, customer service people to persecute. Wow my day is looking better and better. This is somewhat a funny, but not completely.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Pcing it up
The closing for the condo is in just 3 days! I have gotten a lot packed and am starting to get excited about this new phase of my life. The weekend was difficult, but I made it through. I know that life goes on wither you are ready or not. I also know that I will be better. Tomorrow night starts the weekly grief counseling. I hope this helps some. I am doing better, smiling without even realizing it. Happy thoughts slip past the grief now and again. I am really dealing with the cats going to live with Kevin far better than I thought. I really only miss them when I come home, and that is also when I miss Kevin the most. You always have a moment when you forget they are gone. Kevin would have been 51 last Friday, he was so close.
I am often drawn into thighs of how our lives would have been now if the tumor had not happened, or the treatments worked longer, or if the infections had not happened, but all of this did happen and nothing can be done to change it. On a personal note, I am still looking for the mysterious They who are always being quoted. The next week is going to be very busy to say the least. I will get through it the same as everything else, I have no other choice do I? After I have settled into the new home I will have a party to set the mood for my next phase. Who am I kidding I can hardly stay awake past 11PM anymore. I will probably have some Appeltinies, laced with benifiber. Hey might as well kill 2 birds with 1 stone.
I am often drawn into thighs of how our lives would have been now if the tumor had not happened, or the treatments worked longer, or if the infections had not happened, but all of this did happen and nothing can be done to change it. On a personal note, I am still looking for the mysterious They who are always being quoted. The next week is going to be very busy to say the least. I will get through it the same as everything else, I have no other choice do I? After I have settled into the new home I will have a party to set the mood for my next phase. Who am I kidding I can hardly stay awake past 11PM anymore. I will probably have some Appeltinies, laced with benifiber. Hey might as well kill 2 birds with 1 stone.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Surviving the Holidays and Kevin's birthday
I made it through Thanksgiving and Kevin's birthday! Being with all of the kids was an incredible help. I woke up Friday morning between 12:30 and 2 AM. I had been dreaming that Kevin was all right and very happy. We were both at Joey, and Becky's, and were happy. I can not recall more of the dream but I am relieved that Kevin is at peace and happy again. I also think it was his way of letting me know that he thinks I am not screwing up too badly. It was almost like when he was in the house so much right after his death. I am given such a peaceful feeling about it all now. I came home and the house seemed so desolate! I thought I saw a little skitter in shadow a couple of times last night. I think Max and Spot are happy again. It reminded me of Max when we first got him in size and action. Well I could just be loosing my mind and in a total state of delusion. That would not be too much of a stretch now would it?
I actually slept pretty good the last 2 nights without any sleep aids. This is a major step for me. I have to take 1. or 2 a week to keep my sleep pattern in check. I really thought that I would have moved on by now, but I am starting to understand that the wounds are far deeper and more severe than I had previously believed. I had no idea how severely loosing Kevin would effect me for the amount of time it has, and continues to. Usually I am quick to recover from any loss or hurt, but this has truly shaken me to the core and I am not sure that I ever will truly recover the happy, go-lucky life that I have always had. I am just not bouncing back from this. It scares me how deeply I have been hurt. Nothing and no one has ever caused me so much pain. I did not think it was possible to be completely crippled by this loss. I was not that kind of person. This has not only knocked me down but at times it feel as if it has put me into a hole and is trying to fill it in with me at the bottom. I am getting some since of forward ascension but very little and with great struggle.
I am hopeing that the move will help me to start getting a better since of balance. I am going to Phoenix in January, Katie always gives me a boost. Then it will be time to start back to school. Hopefully it will keep me busy enough to take my mind off of constantly dwelling on what I have lost, or given up. I have to try, at least, and get some of myself back. So much has been given away over the years that so very little remains for me. I have to give myself permission to be the selfish brat I use to be for a while and put me ahead of everything and everyone else.
I actually slept pretty good the last 2 nights without any sleep aids. This is a major step for me. I have to take 1. or 2 a week to keep my sleep pattern in check. I really thought that I would have moved on by now, but I am starting to understand that the wounds are far deeper and more severe than I had previously believed. I had no idea how severely loosing Kevin would effect me for the amount of time it has, and continues to. Usually I am quick to recover from any loss or hurt, but this has truly shaken me to the core and I am not sure that I ever will truly recover the happy, go-lucky life that I have always had. I am just not bouncing back from this. It scares me how deeply I have been hurt. Nothing and no one has ever caused me so much pain. I did not think it was possible to be completely crippled by this loss. I was not that kind of person. This has not only knocked me down but at times it feel as if it has put me into a hole and is trying to fill it in with me at the bottom. I am getting some since of forward ascension but very little and with great struggle.
I am hopeing that the move will help me to start getting a better since of balance. I am going to Phoenix in January, Katie always gives me a boost. Then it will be time to start back to school. Hopefully it will keep me busy enough to take my mind off of constantly dwelling on what I have lost, or given up. I have to try, at least, and get some of myself back. So much has been given away over the years that so very little remains for me. I have to give myself permission to be the selfish brat I use to be for a while and put me ahead of everything and everyone else.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Getting Ready for the Holidays and Kevin's BD
I am starting to feel that I will make it through the next few days after all. I was actually able to go through some of Kevin's things to pack for the move, and instead of crying and spiraling into a deeper depression, I found myself smiling before I knew it the memories actually made me happy. I have begun to recall things and feel glad that I had so many years with Kevin. Many do not ever know the happiness that he brought to my life. That is truly sad. When I put it into that perspective things don't seem so bleak. I am amazed how not having the cats is either not set in or is for the best. I know that I was in no position to take care of them properly any longer.
I am going to Jasper for the next couple of days. Spending time with the kids always makes me feel better. I am going to celebrate Kevin's life on Saturday, and I refuse to have any tears from myself. Kevin wanted things to go on after he died and they will. In reality until today I have not been too sure that I could go on without him. But the sneaking smile changed things drastically. Well time for bed have a 5am wake up! At my age I need all the sleep I can get.
I am going to Jasper for the next couple of days. Spending time with the kids always makes me feel better. I am going to celebrate Kevin's life on Saturday, and I refuse to have any tears from myself. Kevin wanted things to go on after he died and they will. In reality until today I have not been too sure that I could go on without him. But the sneaking smile changed things drastically. Well time for bed have a 5am wake up! At my age I need all the sleep I can get.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
A Tough Decision
Max has been having issues with pooping on the furniture and laying down by it lately. It has become daily over the last week. He would do it whenever I came back from being gone. Spot has been getting thinner and thinner over the past year. So today we went to the vet. She expanded that Max was basically in deep depression, Spot was just getting old. They needed more time and care than I could give them to get any better. She actually suggested kitty Prozac for Max twice daily. I knew that I could not do that. We discussed adoption and with Spot's temperament she was not adoptable, and Max while a loving baby, had issues that made him the same. I made the choice to have them euthanized. I am sure that I made the right decision not only for me, but for them as well. Max had become more depressed aver the last few weeks. I was starting to get so angry that I was afraid that I would hurt him. I could never have forgiven myself for that. I hope that Kevin can understand why I had to make the decision I did. I am sure that Max and Spot are with him and Alex wrestling and playing with one another. Well Max and Spot, Alex is probably being his aloof self.
I am barely able to take care of myself right now and keeping them would have been selfish. They were use to being the center of Kevin and my world. We did indulge them. In many ways they were our children. Kevin was the pet lover, far more than I. He knew that they would love him unconditionally, and always need him. I am the same. I will always need Kevin, but have to learn how to get by without him. The strange thing is I don't feel his presence as much as I did in the weeks following his death. I guess he is moving on to whatever is beyond this realm of existence. One can only live a double life for so long. The pull of this world must have become weaker. Kevin wanted to make sure I was doing OK. I am not sure if I am or not, I do know that I will survive no matter what. I am and have always have been a survivor. I have often said once you have faced your own mortality it is amazing what one is capable of. I have done this and realized that life is not always happy, or even worth while. It is the best we make of it. I am going to make mine one that Kevin would be proud of.
I am barely able to take care of myself right now and keeping them would have been selfish. They were use to being the center of Kevin and my world. We did indulge them. In many ways they were our children. Kevin was the pet lover, far more than I. He knew that they would love him unconditionally, and always need him. I am the same. I will always need Kevin, but have to learn how to get by without him. The strange thing is I don't feel his presence as much as I did in the weeks following his death. I guess he is moving on to whatever is beyond this realm of existence. One can only live a double life for so long. The pull of this world must have become weaker. Kevin wanted to make sure I was doing OK. I am not sure if I am or not, I do know that I will survive no matter what. I am and have always have been a survivor. I have often said once you have faced your own mortality it is amazing what one is capable of. I have done this and realized that life is not always happy, or even worth while. It is the best we make of it. I am going to make mine one that Kevin would be proud of.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
A better day
I am feeling better today. I was able to drag my but out of bed on regular time today. I have set a goal of getting at least one box packed every day. We will see how this works out. I am at least not so overwhelmed by it all right now. Yesterday was really bad, I could not do anything but cry and mope around. I forced myself to go out for a while, J'sJs. Had an underwhelming time. Just sat in the corner and watched the people. Interesting mix. When I left it was about 12:30, and I just balled all the way home. I cried until I fell asleep, whenever that was. I guess I just needed to crash and burn for a day. This is not an exact science with set times for things to happen. therein lies the problem, I am so use to scheduling and sticking to it that unpredictability is very upsetting.
I have to get on the bike tonight. Have not been on it in over a week and I can feel it. I just don't really care right now. This disconnect I feel is so strange. I sometimes feel as though I am watching a TV program, or a play. I just don't have any since of belonging anywhere right now. I really want to just be left alone and stay away from everyone and everything. I know this is not something I should do so I make myself at least get out of the house for something everyday. I have no desire to participate in the outside world and really feel so detached form it. I have never experienced anything like this before. I need to get on with this and move forward, but I really don not want to. I want to relive the past over and over again in my mind and let it take me away from the reality of this empty life I have now.
Here I am winning about my life when it could be so much worse, how I do not know but it could be. I really thought I was getting past all of this and then out of nowhere I realized that Kevin's birthday is on the same day he will have been dead for 12 weeks. This has just shattered me. I can not get past it, maybe after the move I can start to deal better. Everywhere I look in the house I see Kevin. Not all of the memories are so good. I am wondering what life would have been if Kevin would have continued with treatment, or if I would have just spoke up and told him how I really felt while he was still making the decision. I told him that whatever decision he made I would support him and I did. Was this his way of going on an being able to use me as the excuse? I will never know and the unknown is what haunts me so.
I have to get on the bike tonight. Have not been on it in over a week and I can feel it. I just don't really care right now. This disconnect I feel is so strange. I sometimes feel as though I am watching a TV program, or a play. I just don't have any since of belonging anywhere right now. I really want to just be left alone and stay away from everyone and everything. I know this is not something I should do so I make myself at least get out of the house for something everyday. I have no desire to participate in the outside world and really feel so detached form it. I have never experienced anything like this before. I need to get on with this and move forward, but I really don not want to. I want to relive the past over and over again in my mind and let it take me away from the reality of this empty life I have now.
Here I am winning about my life when it could be so much worse, how I do not know but it could be. I really thought I was getting past all of this and then out of nowhere I realized that Kevin's birthday is on the same day he will have been dead for 12 weeks. This has just shattered me. I can not get past it, maybe after the move I can start to deal better. Everywhere I look in the house I see Kevin. Not all of the memories are so good. I am wondering what life would have been if Kevin would have continued with treatment, or if I would have just spoke up and told him how I really felt while he was still making the decision. I told him that whatever decision he made I would support him and I did. Was this his way of going on an being able to use me as the excuse? I will never know and the unknown is what haunts me so.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Plan to get through the hollidays
I have been keeping busy the last few days. Kevin's birthday is approaching and I am not coping with it very well. He is on my mind constantly, I miss him more that ever. Kevin was always in a good mood around his birthday. There was always the family celebration, but this was one thing we always set aside time for us. Never a grandiose gesture, just something like a romantic dinner out, cuddling on the bed and taking a nap together. The funny thing is Christmas day was the same. We did the family things and came home and took a nap together. I really miss putting my head on his chest and talking about everything. Then we would roll over and Kevin would put his arms around me while we napped. It seems like nothing but that was the time we reconnected as just us, nothing outside, just Kevin and I. Those are the most precious moments to me. Kevin would joke and smile he was really relaxed, and comfortable. He was not often like that. Kevin's insecurities were always just below the surface to strike at him. But the times we were just laying there with one another he felt safe, as did I . Having those times are what kept us going. No matter how bad things got or how angry we were at one another. This time would make it alright, It was truly blocking out everything else and focusing on one another. I think that is what kept us together and committed for so many years. The little recharge, reminder of what was important Kevin and I.
I miss that already. Last year during the holidays it was that clear Kevin was getting worse, but we still had our time, actually more that usual. I fear that I will never know what it feels like to be that loved again. I am not exactly the easiest person on the face of the planet. I should be grateful that I had this for 15 years, when so many never have it at all. That should make me feel better but it doesn't. I just feel like I am becoming more and more disconnected with everything. I just don't fit in without Kevin. I just don't feel like I belong anymore. I thought this was passing, but is is actually worse and worse. I am not sure what to do, but I have to make some changes soon. I am just so tired and alone. Some days I wish my body would just give out and let it end. But I wake up every morning disappointed yet again.
Describing the loneliness I feel is difficult. It truly does not matter if others are around or not. I am lonely and alone. Without Kevin I am alone.
Well it is time to get up from the pity party, and start to address the laundry, and packing of the house.
I miss that already. Last year during the holidays it was that clear Kevin was getting worse, but we still had our time, actually more that usual. I fear that I will never know what it feels like to be that loved again. I am not exactly the easiest person on the face of the planet. I should be grateful that I had this for 15 years, when so many never have it at all. That should make me feel better but it doesn't. I just feel like I am becoming more and more disconnected with everything. I just don't fit in without Kevin. I just don't feel like I belong anymore. I thought this was passing, but is is actually worse and worse. I am not sure what to do, but I have to make some changes soon. I am just so tired and alone. Some days I wish my body would just give out and let it end. But I wake up every morning disappointed yet again.
Describing the loneliness I feel is difficult. It truly does not matter if others are around or not. I am lonely and alone. Without Kevin I am alone.
Well it is time to get up from the pity party, and start to address the laundry, and packing of the house.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Knocked out by a Cold
I am finally feeling better. I think the cold or whatever I have had is over. Stayed in bed most of the weekend. Starting to get the plan for the move together. I hope to be in within a week of closing. I have been pegged for Jury Duty starting on Dec. 14. I am starting to get really excited about the move. Still waiting for the snafu to occur, it usually does. Things will work out in the end. My little monsters have been attention whores all weekend. Spot is especially bad, she wants to be right beside me all of the time. Max is just as bad. He is acting different, can not explain it but something is up.
Other than being sick the weekend was all right. No extreme melancholy, fewer tears than usual. Sometimes I think that in the back of my mind Kevin is just in the hospital, extended care, or just out of town for some reason. I know that is not the case but sometimes I have to remind myself that he is gone. One would think that after ten weeks it would sink in. I often find myself thinking that I need to call him and see what he wants for dinner. At least I have not picked up the phone yet. I am not letting the grief consume all of my time any longer. I do dread the holidays, especially his birthday. I am going to be at Joey and Becky's Nov. 26, and 27. It will be the first time in so many years that we are not at Keith's or Kevin's parents. Strange as it may seem, I don't think I could set at the table without him next to me right now.
I have started to get some stories about Kevin from those unable to attend his party. I think all of you they have brought smiles. Sometimes it seems strange to hear about Kevin prior to us meeting. I just don't think of my life in those terms. But we did have lives prior to making one together. I am accepting this more and more. I am at peace with our pasts.
If I am to have any kind of life now I am going to have to put our life in the past also. To be treasured not relived. The past is the past and I am in charge of my own destiny now. I want things that I did not with Kevin and am feeling better about pursuing them as of late. Kevin knew me very well and probably knew the direction I would take without him. Well he would have expected me to any how. My life is altered by him forever. I was in many ways a man child when we met. I think that is what attracted him to me the most. He showed me a life that I never thought could exist for me in the place I was then. Growing up has not been easy, but I now know that I have the necessary skills to make it on my own. Kevin taught me this and without it I could not have survived loosing him.
I still am not sure if I will survive it, but I move forward. Not an option to retreat.
Other than being sick the weekend was all right. No extreme melancholy, fewer tears than usual. Sometimes I think that in the back of my mind Kevin is just in the hospital, extended care, or just out of town for some reason. I know that is not the case but sometimes I have to remind myself that he is gone. One would think that after ten weeks it would sink in. I often find myself thinking that I need to call him and see what he wants for dinner. At least I have not picked up the phone yet. I am not letting the grief consume all of my time any longer. I do dread the holidays, especially his birthday. I am going to be at Joey and Becky's Nov. 26, and 27. It will be the first time in so many years that we are not at Keith's or Kevin's parents. Strange as it may seem, I don't think I could set at the table without him next to me right now.
I have started to get some stories about Kevin from those unable to attend his party. I think all of you they have brought smiles. Sometimes it seems strange to hear about Kevin prior to us meeting. I just don't think of my life in those terms. But we did have lives prior to making one together. I am accepting this more and more. I am at peace with our pasts.
If I am to have any kind of life now I am going to have to put our life in the past also. To be treasured not relived. The past is the past and I am in charge of my own destiny now. I want things that I did not with Kevin and am feeling better about pursuing them as of late. Kevin knew me very well and probably knew the direction I would take without him. Well he would have expected me to any how. My life is altered by him forever. I was in many ways a man child when we met. I think that is what attracted him to me the most. He showed me a life that I never thought could exist for me in the place I was then. Growing up has not been easy, but I now know that I have the necessary skills to make it on my own. Kevin taught me this and without it I could not have survived loosing him.
I still am not sure if I will survive it, but I move forward. Not an option to retreat.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Kenny gets ready to move
The contract on the condo went through, with almost no negation. That was a relief. I now have to start to get the house packed and ready to move. This means the dreaded attic!!! I am looking forward to painting and changing out some of the fixtures in the place to make it mine. I have even thought about possibly have the carpet out and wood floors put in. Not sure if I want that kind of expense. But it would be nice to do it before I move if the flooring change does happen.
I have had a cold the past few days, and yesterday I was feeling really bad. I had a fever, and when I got home form running an errand was so wiped that I went to bed and ordered a pizza. I just have no energy. I am feeling better today. I am going to just drop off Brianna's BD present and come home. I little disease factories are not what I need right now. I plan on making up a list of things I need to do before I move and start some packing today.
I am a little torn about leaving our home. I have lived here longer that anywhere else in my entire life. Some of the best times of my life have been here. The single worst also happened with the walls of this home. Kevin's death is not the reason I want to leave her. I am going because of the life we had here. I can not look at any part of the house and not think of him doing something to it. He touched every part of this house in the 13 years we lived here. he loved this house. The memories are haunting, yet familiar. I do feel at peace here. I also dread coming through the door every time I leave. It is a reminder that Kevin is not here to share my day with, or hear about his. Once inside I am fine. I just have to move on and can not do it in this home we built together. I have to start building a life for myself apart form the one we had together. Not an easy task but I have no other choice. Now is a time to start thinking about myself and not others for a change. I have to take charge of my life and become responsible for my own future.
Kevin and I kept fairly on course for 15 years. The occasional side trip is to be expected, he always refused to ask for directions. We always managed to get to the right place somehow. I just have to do it alone now. Full time no one to take up the slack and give me a rest.
I have had a cold the past few days, and yesterday I was feeling really bad. I had a fever, and when I got home form running an errand was so wiped that I went to bed and ordered a pizza. I just have no energy. I am feeling better today. I am going to just drop off Brianna's BD present and come home. I little disease factories are not what I need right now. I plan on making up a list of things I need to do before I move and start some packing today.
I am a little torn about leaving our home. I have lived here longer that anywhere else in my entire life. Some of the best times of my life have been here. The single worst also happened with the walls of this home. Kevin's death is not the reason I want to leave her. I am going because of the life we had here. I can not look at any part of the house and not think of him doing something to it. He touched every part of this house in the 13 years we lived here. he loved this house. The memories are haunting, yet familiar. I do feel at peace here. I also dread coming through the door every time I leave. It is a reminder that Kevin is not here to share my day with, or hear about his. Once inside I am fine. I just have to move on and can not do it in this home we built together. I have to start building a life for myself apart form the one we had together. Not an easy task but I have no other choice. Now is a time to start thinking about myself and not others for a change. I have to take charge of my life and become responsible for my own future.
Kevin and I kept fairly on course for 15 years. The occasional side trip is to be expected, he always refused to ask for directions. We always managed to get to the right place somehow. I just have to do it alone now. Full time no one to take up the slack and give me a rest.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Not feeling so hot
I have woke up with a head cold!! Well it could be worse. The Neon is gone, the buyers picked it up last night about 5. A little sad to see it go, but not sad enough that the cash did not negate the sad. I went to Clem's for dinner and the chicken and dumplings hit the spot. I had a nice time eating by myself. The people watching in the restaurant was fabulous. I am going to look at the Colebrook property for the second time today. Teresa, Keith and Doris are also going to see it. With luck an offer can be made this evening. I am not going to get my hopes up too much. If it happens great, if not there is a place for me somewhere better.
Even though I feel icky for the head cold, emotionally I am doing well. Time does seem to help with managing the grief. It does not lessen you just learn to cope with it as part of your life. You put it away as best you can and when it breaks free let it go. I have found that works for me. I am actually getting use to being alone. The house once I am in it does not oppress me as much as before. The truly hard part is when I come from somewhere and have to face our empty home. That is what hurts the most. I do still talk to Kevin not as much. He would not like me to dwell on the past. Kevin was a practical man and would insist that I get control and move forward. Life is a flowing thing and I am really feeling like I am no longer swimming against the tide. This is a good thing because I can barley swim. Another thing that Kevin was better at than me. He always kept an eye on me when we were at the lake. I think he was afraid I would not ask for help if I needed it. He knew me far too well.
Off to get some medication and re up a script. Can not wait to see how this works with the insurance debacle.
Even though I feel icky for the head cold, emotionally I am doing well. Time does seem to help with managing the grief. It does not lessen you just learn to cope with it as part of your life. You put it away as best you can and when it breaks free let it go. I have found that works for me. I am actually getting use to being alone. The house once I am in it does not oppress me as much as before. The truly hard part is when I come from somewhere and have to face our empty home. That is what hurts the most. I do still talk to Kevin not as much. He would not like me to dwell on the past. Kevin was a practical man and would insist that I get control and move forward. Life is a flowing thing and I am really feeling like I am no longer swimming against the tide. This is a good thing because I can barley swim. Another thing that Kevin was better at than me. He always kept an eye on me when we were at the lake. I think he was afraid I would not ask for help if I needed it. He knew me far too well.
Off to get some medication and re up a script. Can not wait to see how this works with the insurance debacle.
Monday, November 09, 2009
Finding my independence
I bought a new laptop on Saturday, and managed to get it started, set up, and transferred the info from the old one all by myself. For those of you who know me you will know this is a major accomplishment. I have never done anything like this alone before. Kevin always just did it, and made it work for me the way I wanted it to. I am trying to do things with the detailed approach that Kevin had. I am not so good at details. Things are starting to come together with the legal and financial portion of Kevin's death. I am wanting to keep him alive somehow but it is not as easy as it sounds. I do not hear him in my mind so much telling we to calm down and read the directions, as I have in the past. This will be the 10Th week since he died and I am starting to feel that life will somehow be OK. I am not going into the what ifs as easily, and am able to fend them off most of the time. I was able to listen to "Jesus Christs Superstar" and not break down. The ending is not meant to be a joyous song and it is the song that played while we held his memorial service.
I am a little hesitant to make the move to leave the home we shared for so long, but I can not stay here. Being at home is not bad at all, it is when I leave and come back. To walk into this house and not have Kevin waiting for me to tell him of my latest adventure is a little death each time I come in the door. It is a reminder that he is gone from my life and will not return. It is a reminder of how alone I am in my life. Being alone is something that I can cope with, it is the emptiness that comes with waking up in our bedroom alone every morning that makes me go to bed a little later each night. The necessity to get away from here is becoming more apparent to me. My life has to change. The only way to change for me is to break with the constant reminders of Kevin. He is always in my heart, and just below the surface of my conscious life, and in my unconscious he is always there somehow.
My ego is not been doing so well either. I have no illusions about myself. I am difficult, demanding, dastardly, and well a spoiled brat. The later was indulged by Kevin in more ways than my parents. Kevin wanted me to have what I wanted, if he could get it he did. I have been so sheltered from the realities of life that I am not sure if my progress is in my mind or for real. Well I have been living in Kenny land for so long, and the weather there has been cloudy and rainy for the past couple of years.
I am a little hesitant to make the move to leave the home we shared for so long, but I can not stay here. Being at home is not bad at all, it is when I leave and come back. To walk into this house and not have Kevin waiting for me to tell him of my latest adventure is a little death each time I come in the door. It is a reminder that he is gone from my life and will not return. It is a reminder of how alone I am in my life. Being alone is something that I can cope with, it is the emptiness that comes with waking up in our bedroom alone every morning that makes me go to bed a little later each night. The necessity to get away from here is becoming more apparent to me. My life has to change. The only way to change for me is to break with the constant reminders of Kevin. He is always in my heart, and just below the surface of my conscious life, and in my unconscious he is always there somehow.
My ego is not been doing so well either. I have no illusions about myself. I am difficult, demanding, dastardly, and well a spoiled brat. The later was indulged by Kevin in more ways than my parents. Kevin wanted me to have what I wanted, if he could get it he did. I have been so sheltered from the realities of life that I am not sure if my progress is in my mind or for real. Well I have been living in Kenny land for so long, and the weather there has been cloudy and rainy for the past couple of years.
Sunday, November 08, 2009
Setteling the Past and Looking to the Future
It has been almost a week, and what a week it has been. I finely managed to get the insurance straightened out. Have found a condo I really like. Bought a new computer, and the trust is fully active. The trust is all Keith and Teresa.
The insurance was fixed withing 24 hours of my last call informing them that the next call was to come from my attorney, and I also gave them her name. I still do not have all of the cards but I have the numbers. I see if Express Scripts is fixed this week as well. I actually handled it very well for me. I had no screaming, cussing, or threatening (not directly) interactions. I just stated the problem, gave them what it would take to fix the problem to my satisfaction, and offered an alternative if they could not accommodate me. I was a wreck! I was so scared that somehow I was no longer going to be covered with Kevin's policy and have to do the full Medicaid again.
Carolyn took me to look at several condos on Wednesday. We went to 2 different developments and looked at 2 in each. All had strong positives, but I narrowed it to 2, 1 in each community. Put together a pros and cons list and then went with my gut. I chose one in Webster Groves, in a rehabbed school building. The only con this one had was a detached garage. The other one I liked was in Kirkwood, across from the Magic House, but the kitchen was tiny, it was a townhouse, abut 30 years old , and the laundry was in the garage in the basement. I kitchen would require taking down a wall, and the lugging of laundry up and down 2 flight of steps ruled this one out. The one in Webster Groves has such character and detail, I fell in love with it from the start.
When I walked into the Webster Groves Condo I felt the same as I did when Kevin and I first looked at our home. I remember telling Kevin that this was the one, just buy it. I think that is one of the reasons that we never moved in almost 14 years. This place has felt like our home from the time we first walked into it. The Webster condo has that same feel for me, and I know Kevin would like it too. Strange that the Wednesday night I had a dream about Kevin and we were in the Webster condo and he was telling me what colors to paint the walls. The really strange thing is that the master is already painted the same color of our master here!! It must be kismet.
I am still trying ti sell the Neon, I just refuse to let someone have it for next to nothing! My Dad had a cancerous growth removed from his head on Wednesday as well. That is turning out just fine. It did leave him with a black eye, and he is telling people Mom hit him. Most respond with what did you do to her. Friday was at Food Outreach from 9 till 1 and I am really enjoying the routine of going somewhere on a regular basis. Once school starts I will settle into a routine and life will be smoother. Saturday I slept late and did not get a lot accomplished. I did manage to get this computer, and take a check to Dan and Amy for some calenders I got from Heidie's school. Today is yard cleaning day. I am actually going to try to clean the gutters. I am not sure how well I will do but at least I will give it a try.
I have been able to remember more and more of my life with Kevin. The bad times are starting to no longer overshadow the good. I can look back and smile, sometimes even laugh! His face is their when I think of him, I no longer have to look at a photo to remember what he looked like. I went to his grave last week, then again on Thursday after the marker was placed. The date of his death was not on it so I had to go to the office and make sure the correction was made. I also went again yesterday, I was at Dan and Amy's, just a mile or so from Valhalla. It is strange that I do find it comforting to see his name so permanently fixed. I have no connection to him there. His cremains are suppose to be buried but those are nothing to do with Kevin. Kevin is with me everywhere I go and in everything I do. He is in my heart and soul. I am hopeful that the marker can give his parents some sense of closure. His name is there for others to see, and when all of us who knew him are gone he will not be forgotten. That is what hurts the most, that all of the little ones will not remember Uncle Kevin, or at least not before the tumor. They will never know the fun, energetic, loving man he really was. That is what was the worst to watch slip away.
The tumor took so much from me. I could have accepted an accident, heart attack or stroke. Those would have been quick and over with. The tumor killed him a little at a time, robbing him of who he was. The worst part of that is he knew it, I had to see him slip away from himself, as well as from me. He told me a couple of times over the past year that this was not a life, this was hell. I wanted him to stay in whatever way he could. Perhaps he would not have went on with the treatments is I had not pushed. I know he regretted taking the Avastin, he told me so. He truly felt that the 6 good months were not worth the 9. He was robed of dyeing with his dignity. I do not know if that can ever be forgiven. I know that he has to be in a much better place and whole again.
The insurance was fixed withing 24 hours of my last call informing them that the next call was to come from my attorney, and I also gave them her name. I still do not have all of the cards but I have the numbers. I see if Express Scripts is fixed this week as well. I actually handled it very well for me. I had no screaming, cussing, or threatening (not directly) interactions. I just stated the problem, gave them what it would take to fix the problem to my satisfaction, and offered an alternative if they could not accommodate me. I was a wreck! I was so scared that somehow I was no longer going to be covered with Kevin's policy and have to do the full Medicaid again.
Carolyn took me to look at several condos on Wednesday. We went to 2 different developments and looked at 2 in each. All had strong positives, but I narrowed it to 2, 1 in each community. Put together a pros and cons list and then went with my gut. I chose one in Webster Groves, in a rehabbed school building. The only con this one had was a detached garage. The other one I liked was in Kirkwood, across from the Magic House, but the kitchen was tiny, it was a townhouse, abut 30 years old , and the laundry was in the garage in the basement. I kitchen would require taking down a wall, and the lugging of laundry up and down 2 flight of steps ruled this one out. The one in Webster Groves has such character and detail, I fell in love with it from the start.
When I walked into the Webster Groves Condo I felt the same as I did when Kevin and I first looked at our home. I remember telling Kevin that this was the one, just buy it. I think that is one of the reasons that we never moved in almost 14 years. This place has felt like our home from the time we first walked into it. The Webster condo has that same feel for me, and I know Kevin would like it too. Strange that the Wednesday night I had a dream about Kevin and we were in the Webster condo and he was telling me what colors to paint the walls. The really strange thing is that the master is already painted the same color of our master here!! It must be kismet.
I am still trying ti sell the Neon, I just refuse to let someone have it for next to nothing! My Dad had a cancerous growth removed from his head on Wednesday as well. That is turning out just fine. It did leave him with a black eye, and he is telling people Mom hit him. Most respond with what did you do to her. Friday was at Food Outreach from 9 till 1 and I am really enjoying the routine of going somewhere on a regular basis. Once school starts I will settle into a routine and life will be smoother. Saturday I slept late and did not get a lot accomplished. I did manage to get this computer, and take a check to Dan and Amy for some calenders I got from Heidie's school. Today is yard cleaning day. I am actually going to try to clean the gutters. I am not sure how well I will do but at least I will give it a try.
I have been able to remember more and more of my life with Kevin. The bad times are starting to no longer overshadow the good. I can look back and smile, sometimes even laugh! His face is their when I think of him, I no longer have to look at a photo to remember what he looked like. I went to his grave last week, then again on Thursday after the marker was placed. The date of his death was not on it so I had to go to the office and make sure the correction was made. I also went again yesterday, I was at Dan and Amy's, just a mile or so from Valhalla. It is strange that I do find it comforting to see his name so permanently fixed. I have no connection to him there. His cremains are suppose to be buried but those are nothing to do with Kevin. Kevin is with me everywhere I go and in everything I do. He is in my heart and soul. I am hopeful that the marker can give his parents some sense of closure. His name is there for others to see, and when all of us who knew him are gone he will not be forgotten. That is what hurts the most, that all of the little ones will not remember Uncle Kevin, or at least not before the tumor. They will never know the fun, energetic, loving man he really was. That is what was the worst to watch slip away.
The tumor took so much from me. I could have accepted an accident, heart attack or stroke. Those would have been quick and over with. The tumor killed him a little at a time, robbing him of who he was. The worst part of that is he knew it, I had to see him slip away from himself, as well as from me. He told me a couple of times over the past year that this was not a life, this was hell. I wanted him to stay in whatever way he could. Perhaps he would not have went on with the treatments is I had not pushed. I know he regretted taking the Avastin, he told me so. He truly felt that the 6 good months were not worth the 9. He was robed of dyeing with his dignity. I do not know if that can ever be forgiven. I know that he has to be in a much better place and whole again.
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Insurance ARGGGGGG
I am still trying to get the insurance fixed! I gave CONEXIS until tomorrow to get it fixed or I am calling the attorney. This is turning into a blame game between the to companies and I am tired of it. I have been industrious, managed to get the house cleaned, and the rugs back down. I went to Schnucks after getting my hair do done. Unlike my normal after going to get groceries I fixed dinner. I am so tired tonight. Can barley hold my eyes open.
Going to look at some condos tomorrow, after Dad's doctor visit. Hope to find something that is just what I want. Like that will ever happen. I am realistic about things at least. Have to make a list of must haves and would like vs. can not abide, could learn to live with. I have been so busy that Kevin has not been on the forefront of my thoughts. This has not been a bad thing at all. I am finding that being alone is not so bad all of the time. I always have the ability to call anyone and share. I am not really that kind. I would just as soon write it out in my journal or on some electronic medium. This way I can be more controlled and not terrify people, so much. HAHA.
Really I am doing better and it has not been so terrible dealing with the insurance stuff. I have not went into a cussing fit, refused to listen to the other side, or hung up. Kevin would be amazed at how well I am doing with the pratfalls of life so far. When I do get ready to have an historical crying jag I do it after I hang up. Nothing has been broken or thrown or cats beaten at all. This is a major step for me. I normally do that with or without Kevin. That was always his cue to step in and take over the situation that was too much for me. Well I don't have Kevin anymore so I have to just deal with it and move on.
I am starting to get the arrangements for Kevin's BD party together. It will be the day after his actual birthday, at our home. I want to compile some stories about Kevin to keep and pass on to the little ones who will never truly know him. This is making me very sad so new subject.
I hope that his grave marker is in place on Thursday. With all of the rain they have been unable to place it. I did drive over to the grave site last week and found where it will be. I am not sure if the cremains have been placed yet. At least he will rest next to his Grandma Hoffmann. That is the only reason he wanted to be buried at all. Well that and the fact that I might get mad and put him in the litter box. HAHA.
Kenny
Going to look at some condos tomorrow, after Dad's doctor visit. Hope to find something that is just what I want. Like that will ever happen. I am realistic about things at least. Have to make a list of must haves and would like vs. can not abide, could learn to live with. I have been so busy that Kevin has not been on the forefront of my thoughts. This has not been a bad thing at all. I am finding that being alone is not so bad all of the time. I always have the ability to call anyone and share. I am not really that kind. I would just as soon write it out in my journal or on some electronic medium. This way I can be more controlled and not terrify people, so much. HAHA.
Really I am doing better and it has not been so terrible dealing with the insurance stuff. I have not went into a cussing fit, refused to listen to the other side, or hung up. Kevin would be amazed at how well I am doing with the pratfalls of life so far. When I do get ready to have an historical crying jag I do it after I hang up. Nothing has been broken or thrown or cats beaten at all. This is a major step for me. I normally do that with or without Kevin. That was always his cue to step in and take over the situation that was too much for me. Well I don't have Kevin anymore so I have to just deal with it and move on.
I am starting to get the arrangements for Kevin's BD party together. It will be the day after his actual birthday, at our home. I want to compile some stories about Kevin to keep and pass on to the little ones who will never truly know him. This is making me very sad so new subject.
I hope that his grave marker is in place on Thursday. With all of the rain they have been unable to place it. I did drive over to the grave site last week and found where it will be. I am not sure if the cremains have been placed yet. At least he will rest next to his Grandma Hoffmann. That is the only reason he wanted to be buried at all. Well that and the fact that I might get mad and put him in the litter box. HAHA.
Kenny
Sunday, November 01, 2009
All Hollows Eve
The trip to Jasper was really good. The kids were a lot of fun. Jackson is getting tall. Zack is becoming more of a teenage boy, Abby went to a sleep over, and Izzy, well she is Izzy, Kaden is skinny and running not walking everywhere, he looks like a drunk Elmo in his red sweats, and Savanna and Ashley are teenage girls. The house was full of people when we arrived. I had a fun time with the staggering Elmo baby. Mom and Teresa played with the kids who were not preoccupied with other kids. We all got to bed about 11:30. It was so strange to not have the cats in bed with me. I had a dream about Kevin, and something he was doing to our house. I can not remember what it was exactly, but he was his old self working on a project too complicated for me.
We left from Carthage, went to Wal-mart to get some stuff for the kids. Joey went in his car and we left from there. This avoided the dreaded Jackson crying and balling scene, by mom and Teresa. The drive home was really good, the Sonata got over 29MPG. Drooped Teresa and Mom off and went home to get ready for the Halloween Party. I fed the cats, left, and arrived at 6. the party was fun. I was the only person not it costume. To be exact I was the only single person, and the only man!! I guess that I was the Token for the evening. Got to mingle and eat, talked with Carolyn about starting the condo hunt. She is going to end me some listings today, or tomorrow.
Left about 9:45, came home and collapsed. I did remember to set most of the clocks back an hour. I woke up at 3 am missing Kevin desperately, turned on the i-pod and just balled or about an hour. Had some restless sleep until I got up and fed the cats at 5. Wrote in my journal and now I am doing this. Going to be a busy week. The furnace man is coming tomorrow. Dad has his skin cancer thing removed on Wednesday. Thursday, I am watching Amy's kids while Doris goes to the Dr. I hope to have the list narrowed down to about 3 in the condo search by next weekend. I really want to get moving and make a fresh start somewhere. I love the house, because it was ours. Kevin is everywhere here. He is in every nook and cranny. I will never feel at home anywhere again. Kevin was and is my home. The walls and windows don't make a home love does. Even when we were at our worst to each other he was always my home. I always knew that I could charge headlong into tempest and Kevin would shield and protect me if I ever needed it, that is home. I don't have that protection anymore. I have to be a lot more careful about the windmills I charge at. I no longer have my armor protecting me from any real danger or harm. I am in this fight alone now, and am not really looking forward to it. But I must live, like it or not right now. I have never been one to shy away, but now I am feeling a little shy of everything. Strange how fear can seep into your life when you least expect it
We left from Carthage, went to Wal-mart to get some stuff for the kids. Joey went in his car and we left from there. This avoided the dreaded Jackson crying and balling scene, by mom and Teresa. The drive home was really good, the Sonata got over 29MPG. Drooped Teresa and Mom off and went home to get ready for the Halloween Party. I fed the cats, left, and arrived at 6. the party was fun. I was the only person not it costume. To be exact I was the only single person, and the only man!! I guess that I was the Token for the evening. Got to mingle and eat, talked with Carolyn about starting the condo hunt. She is going to end me some listings today, or tomorrow.
Left about 9:45, came home and collapsed. I did remember to set most of the clocks back an hour. I woke up at 3 am missing Kevin desperately, turned on the i-pod and just balled or about an hour. Had some restless sleep until I got up and fed the cats at 5. Wrote in my journal and now I am doing this. Going to be a busy week. The furnace man is coming tomorrow. Dad has his skin cancer thing removed on Wednesday. Thursday, I am watching Amy's kids while Doris goes to the Dr. I hope to have the list narrowed down to about 3 in the condo search by next weekend. I really want to get moving and make a fresh start somewhere. I love the house, because it was ours. Kevin is everywhere here. He is in every nook and cranny. I will never feel at home anywhere again. Kevin was and is my home. The walls and windows don't make a home love does. Even when we were at our worst to each other he was always my home. I always knew that I could charge headlong into tempest and Kevin would shield and protect me if I ever needed it, that is home. I don't have that protection anymore. I have to be a lot more careful about the windmills I charge at. I no longer have my armor protecting me from any real danger or harm. I am in this fight alone now, and am not really looking forward to it. But I must live, like it or not right now. I have never been one to shy away, but now I am feeling a little shy of everything. Strange how fear can seep into your life when you least expect it
Friday, October 30, 2009
Insurance, The Plauge upon Humanty
The last few days have been interesting. Well that is not the correct phrase, but it is the only one that small children can hear. I have been getting calls for Kevin to contact our insurance company for a cost saving program, health insurance. I returned the call and informed them that Kevin had passed away almost 8 weeks ago. I was thanked and just then I decided that I would ask about the status of my new insurance cards. This is when I was informed that I had no insurance. It would appear that CONEXIS had not informed UHC of the changes, simply canceled my insurance. I have a suspicion that I was reported as the one who died, not Kevin. After several calls to both organizations I was told that it would be 24 48 hours before it was fixed. I had a dental appointment at 1 and this was 11. I informed CONEXIS that if it was not fixed by Monday I was contacting my attorney. Arlene will eat them alive if I have to involve he in this.
That set the tone for the entire day. I had to drive in the rain to and from the dentist. The traffic was atroshous. I missed one of my exits. I did get signed up for some classes, and found out that my transcripts had been destroyed, why no one at the school could tell me. That took 3 hours, but I got the classes I wanted at the times I wanted so that was all good in the end. I finally made it home about 5:30 and fed the cast, them myself. The laundry had to be done so I could pack for today. I did get about an hour on the bike and to bed before 10:30.
I am determined to forge ahead and make this mess of my life work out, somehow. The weather is not helping, The rain and gloom is almost overpowering. I feel as if I am being washed away along with the debris of my life into the dark, brick lined sewer, ultimately swept into a void so dark and powerful that escape is not passable. The thought of Kevin and how he conquered his daemons to live the life he wanted is all that keeps me going sometimes. I am not going to disappoint him by giving up or giving in like some little lost boy. Tomorrow is Halloween, maybe the ghosts of my past and future will be able to meet and let me know what to do next. I know that Kevin is always looking out for me in one way or another.
That set the tone for the entire day. I had to drive in the rain to and from the dentist. The traffic was atroshous. I missed one of my exits. I did get signed up for some classes, and found out that my transcripts had been destroyed, why no one at the school could tell me. That took 3 hours, but I got the classes I wanted at the times I wanted so that was all good in the end. I finally made it home about 5:30 and fed the cast, them myself. The laundry had to be done so I could pack for today. I did get about an hour on the bike and to bed before 10:30.
I am determined to forge ahead and make this mess of my life work out, somehow. The weather is not helping, The rain and gloom is almost overpowering. I feel as if I am being washed away along with the debris of my life into the dark, brick lined sewer, ultimately swept into a void so dark and powerful that escape is not passable. The thought of Kevin and how he conquered his daemons to live the life he wanted is all that keeps me going sometimes. I am not going to disappoint him by giving up or giving in like some little lost boy. Tomorrow is Halloween, maybe the ghosts of my past and future will be able to meet and let me know what to do next. I know that Kevin is always looking out for me in one way or another.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Life Carries Me Forward
Every since Sunday afternoon I have been is a fairly good mood. I still have the occasional moments were I can hardly breath, but they are fewer and shorter. I probably will have those for a long time to come. I have made a firm decision to rejoin the living. I am even taking steps to do so. I am going out to dinner with Betsy and Brenda tonight at a new place in Lafayette Square. I am having dinner with Doris tomorrow evening, and Friday I am probably going to Joey and Becky's with Teresa and Mom. The Friday trip is still up in the air. Saturday evening is the Halloween party for the hood. Wow that was fly of me. I am feeling more alive than I have for the past couple of years. I am starting to believe that life is not too far ahead of me, I just have to pick up my pace. I still have those feelings of being all alone but I am starting to cope with them instead of just wallowing in self pity, and remorse. I could be in a room of 50 people and still feel alone. Kevin is not there so I am alone. This is just something I have to deal with.
I am also going to sign up for a couple of classes tomorrow. Getting back to school will keep me occupied and establish a goal for me It will also force a routine on me, which I desperately need.
Well I have to get moving life is sweeping me forward in it's never ending flow to the future.
Kenny
I am also going to sign up for a couple of classes tomorrow. Getting back to school will keep me occupied and establish a goal for me It will also force a routine on me, which I desperately need.
Well I have to get moving life is sweeping me forward in it's never ending flow to the future.
Kenny
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Weekend Work
aThis weekend has been busy, both physically and mentally. I had to replace the washer, luckily my cousin let me borrow his until I figure out where I am moving to. Dave helped me get it, then I hooked it up by myself. I did not loose my temper when the hoses were not long enough to reach, I just went to Home Depot and got some longer ones. Got it leveled and did 4 loads of laundry before going to bed. Quite an accomplishment for someone who's first home project was putting a plunger on the storm door 2 years ago. I've come a long way baby! Well not that far. Found some photos of Kevin's family that he had overlooked. I am going to take them to his parents this afternoon if the rain holds off. I actually smiled yesterday when I started the washer. I thought Kevin would have been proud of me. That is the first time in a long time that thinking of him did not make me cry, or miss him even more.
Friday night was not too bad. I went to sleep and had a dream about Kevin, don't remember much other than he was healthy in it, and laughing. Saturday morning I woke up and cried, as usual, but was not sad. I realise that what I have been doing by analysing everything between Kevin and I was simply trying to find a way to discount our life together. Doing that would make it OK to keep reliving the past. I realise that the past is the past and almost all the answer es to my questions were staring me in the face. I thought about how Kevin nearly destroyed himself trying to live a lie until he was almost 30. I can remember him telling me often that he used the drinking to dull everything. Once he was able to reconcile himself that being gay was not his choice but how he was made allowed him to stop abusing alcohol, and start to focus on himself. This was a terrifying change for Kevin he was unsure if his family would disown him or not. He also knew that he wanted to live his life in truth and not hide who he was. That took an immense amount of strength and courage. He was willing to remove his entire life instead of living a lie. He wanted to live openly with someone who he loved and build a life with him. Well we all know how that turned out. After about 5 years of falling for men who were unavailable in one form or another we found one another.
Putting all of this into my journal forced me to see that Kevin would not have lived a lie again no matter the cost. I had to realise that I had to take us for face value. Kevin loved me and worried about me more than himself. I think he was far more worried about how I would survive his death than actually dieing. He always wanted to care for those he loved, and he make sure that he took care of my finical needs after he was gone. He could not help me with my emotional needs then, it is up to me to do that. Kevin was very in control of most things around him. I still am amazed at how most people thought he was just a quiet accountant. He was in control of our life most of the time. I did the things I wanted to do because Kevin supported almost everything I did. He did not always like or agree with it but he supported me not the issue. Kevin took great pride in being open about our relationship, and liked the fact that some people were envious of us. Yes Kevin was a little bit of a snob. But so am I. Kevin rarely let me know if what I was or was not doing bothered him . That is unless I asked. He was content to sit and watch me change and grow, evolving into the man I am from the boy I was when we met. I think in many ways Kevin guided me into going back to school, becoming more how shall we say politically voiced. I always knew if he was pleased or not by his eyes. Most of my antics made them sparkle. Some of them would make them stormy, and he would not look at me so I could gage him.
Well I have went on and on this time. I will end by saying that my doubts abut Kevin and wither or not he truly loved me have been answered. Kevin did not just love me, I now realise that he cherished me. Funny word cherished, but it fits.
Friday night was not too bad. I went to sleep and had a dream about Kevin, don't remember much other than he was healthy in it, and laughing. Saturday morning I woke up and cried, as usual, but was not sad. I realise that what I have been doing by analysing everything between Kevin and I was simply trying to find a way to discount our life together. Doing that would make it OK to keep reliving the past. I realise that the past is the past and almost all the answer es to my questions were staring me in the face. I thought about how Kevin nearly destroyed himself trying to live a lie until he was almost 30. I can remember him telling me often that he used the drinking to dull everything. Once he was able to reconcile himself that being gay was not his choice but how he was made allowed him to stop abusing alcohol, and start to focus on himself. This was a terrifying change for Kevin he was unsure if his family would disown him or not. He also knew that he wanted to live his life in truth and not hide who he was. That took an immense amount of strength and courage. He was willing to remove his entire life instead of living a lie. He wanted to live openly with someone who he loved and build a life with him. Well we all know how that turned out. After about 5 years of falling for men who were unavailable in one form or another we found one another.
Putting all of this into my journal forced me to see that Kevin would not have lived a lie again no matter the cost. I had to realise that I had to take us for face value. Kevin loved me and worried about me more than himself. I think he was far more worried about how I would survive his death than actually dieing. He always wanted to care for those he loved, and he make sure that he took care of my finical needs after he was gone. He could not help me with my emotional needs then, it is up to me to do that. Kevin was very in control of most things around him. I still am amazed at how most people thought he was just a quiet accountant. He was in control of our life most of the time. I did the things I wanted to do because Kevin supported almost everything I did. He did not always like or agree with it but he supported me not the issue. Kevin took great pride in being open about our relationship, and liked the fact that some people were envious of us. Yes Kevin was a little bit of a snob. But so am I. Kevin rarely let me know if what I was or was not doing bothered him . That is unless I asked. He was content to sit and watch me change and grow, evolving into the man I am from the boy I was when we met. I think in many ways Kevin guided me into going back to school, becoming more how shall we say politically voiced. I always knew if he was pleased or not by his eyes. Most of my antics made them sparkle. Some of them would make them stormy, and he would not look at me so I could gage him.
Well I have went on and on this time. I will end by saying that my doubts abut Kevin and wither or not he truly loved me have been answered. Kevin did not just love me, I now realise that he cherished me. Funny word cherished, but it fits.
Friday, October 23, 2009
7 Week Later
I can hardly believe that Kevin has been gone 7 weeks today. I think about him every day. Sometimes I forget he is gone when I first wake up or in the middle of the night. The reality is always waiting to remind me he is gone. I am not sure what to do with my self lately. In January school will start and that will take up some of my time. Today I volunteered at Food Outreach and answered the phones, did a mailing. The busy work kept my mind off of my life for a while. It is good to get back into the world again. I have to remember that it will take time, and let's face it I have always been so patient. HAHAHA!! Some days are better than others. I have decided to judge them by how I feel at bedtime. If I a crying myself to sleep it has not been a good one. I think that is fair.
I had to get some new pants today and ended up going to Tuckers for dinner. funny how when you are eating at a restaurant alone people around you refuse to make eye contact. As if you have a large peace of spinach hanging out of your mouth and you are growing a horn out of your forehead. This has always amazed me. Eating alone in a restaurant has never bothered me and still doesn't. Just an observation. Life moves on with or without me, now I feel that I need to catch up to the here and now. I have been trying to live in the past, that is not life just memories. Images of our life, one can not live in a world that no longer exists. It can not be healthy. Sure a delusion is OK now and again, but please! I am going to make an effort to go into in the world of the living a little more. That is what I have to do. Kevin would be disappointed if I just gave up and quit. Probably not surprised, but disappointed none the less. He did go to great lengths to provide for me after all. Not something he would have bothered with if he did not want me to get on with living after he was gone.
He told me 2 days before he died that his dieing was alright. I have not figured it out yet but I am not he sharpest knife in the drawer after all. I guess that I have been searching or the note I thought Kevin would have left for me with some directions on how to get on without him He micromanaged everything else. I guess he thought I was grown up enough to figure things out for myself. I will in time but for now just figuring out how to get everything done on my list without loosing the list is a challenge. I have so become Kevin in my need for lists and organization. His influence is strong. He trained me well. If only I could balance my checkbook. That always was beyond me. But now with the Internet you don't have to wait for the pink notices to come before you start to charge tings.
Well that is my comments for the day.
Kenny
I had to get some new pants today and ended up going to Tuckers for dinner. funny how when you are eating at a restaurant alone people around you refuse to make eye contact. As if you have a large peace of spinach hanging out of your mouth and you are growing a horn out of your forehead. This has always amazed me. Eating alone in a restaurant has never bothered me and still doesn't. Just an observation. Life moves on with or without me, now I feel that I need to catch up to the here and now. I have been trying to live in the past, that is not life just memories. Images of our life, one can not live in a world that no longer exists. It can not be healthy. Sure a delusion is OK now and again, but please! I am going to make an effort to go into in the world of the living a little more. That is what I have to do. Kevin would be disappointed if I just gave up and quit. Probably not surprised, but disappointed none the less. He did go to great lengths to provide for me after all. Not something he would have bothered with if he did not want me to get on with living after he was gone.
He told me 2 days before he died that his dieing was alright. I have not figured it out yet but I am not he sharpest knife in the drawer after all. I guess that I have been searching or the note I thought Kevin would have left for me with some directions on how to get on without him He micromanaged everything else. I guess he thought I was grown up enough to figure things out for myself. I will in time but for now just figuring out how to get everything done on my list without loosing the list is a challenge. I have so become Kevin in my need for lists and organization. His influence is strong. He trained me well. If only I could balance my checkbook. That always was beyond me. But now with the Internet you don't have to wait for the pink notices to come before you start to charge tings.
Well that is my comments for the day.
Kenny
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
My First Grief Session
I went the my first group session last night. I did find it helpful only 2 others were their. I realise that I am not alone in the feelings and questions I have. The doubts are common, and actually normal. One of the other widowers listened to me talk about Kevin and the issues I had. He pointed out that Kevin put his integrity and morals above everything, so how could he have lived a lie. Kevin realized before we met that he had to accept that he was gay and it was OK. He refused to be closeted. That was the last time he lived a lie, and suppressed himself. That was also one of the reasons Kevin quit drinking. He could not control it, but he no longer needed to dull the pain of not accepting himself. Once he did this he no longer needed to drink to mask the pain. I have been told this same thing by friends and family. Hearing it from a stranger, with no emotional ties, made it real.
When I came home I reread the journal I started after Kevin's birthday last year. In it I realized that everyone was right. Kevin withdrew the sicker he became. I thought this was his way of telling me he did not love me, and was unhappy with our life. I now can realize that this is a normal process in dyeing. The times he told me to leave, of which were many, he was lashing out at the only person he knew he could count on. I would never have left him. I did think about it on several occasions, but I knew he needed me and no one else could give him the love that I could. I did not have the skills to take care of him in the best way. I did what I could, I only hope Kevin understood that. Many times he told me that I was selfish, and I began to believe him. I guess part of me still does. I am here ad he is gone.
I finally went to bed after 1 AM, and Kevin was there. Not like before, when I just sensed his presence. He started at the foot of the bed and I talked to him and he moved to his side of the bed, then held his hand out I could feel the warmth on my had. I talked with him, well I asked questions. The communication from him was not verbal, his response was in what he did. I asked him if he was happy in our life together, and if I was doing the right thing on some issues. The answer came when I asked him to hold me one more time. I rolled over on my side, and could feel hi warmth against me and his arms around me. Not in a physical way just the warmth and security I always had when he wrapped me in his embrace. I fell asleep almost immediately, had the most restful sleep. My dreams were about Kevin and I doing some of the things we loved to do.
I know this sounds silly, and I probably imagined the entire thing, but it was very real to me. I think Kevin wants me to go on and try to lead a full life. I do feel that he will always be with me in some form. He will always take care of me. He will always watch over me, and try to keep me safe.
I feel that Kevin is in a better place, one without the pain, mental, and physical impairments that dictated his life in the end. I truly hope this is true, because if it is not I could not go on. I still do not know if I can survive without him.
When I came home I reread the journal I started after Kevin's birthday last year. In it I realized that everyone was right. Kevin withdrew the sicker he became. I thought this was his way of telling me he did not love me, and was unhappy with our life. I now can realize that this is a normal process in dyeing. The times he told me to leave, of which were many, he was lashing out at the only person he knew he could count on. I would never have left him. I did think about it on several occasions, but I knew he needed me and no one else could give him the love that I could. I did not have the skills to take care of him in the best way. I did what I could, I only hope Kevin understood that. Many times he told me that I was selfish, and I began to believe him. I guess part of me still does. I am here ad he is gone.
I finally went to bed after 1 AM, and Kevin was there. Not like before, when I just sensed his presence. He started at the foot of the bed and I talked to him and he moved to his side of the bed, then held his hand out I could feel the warmth on my had. I talked with him, well I asked questions. The communication from him was not verbal, his response was in what he did. I asked him if he was happy in our life together, and if I was doing the right thing on some issues. The answer came when I asked him to hold me one more time. I rolled over on my side, and could feel hi warmth against me and his arms around me. Not in a physical way just the warmth and security I always had when he wrapped me in his embrace. I fell asleep almost immediately, had the most restful sleep. My dreams were about Kevin and I doing some of the things we loved to do.
I know this sounds silly, and I probably imagined the entire thing, but it was very real to me. I think Kevin wants me to go on and try to lead a full life. I do feel that he will always be with me in some form. He will always take care of me. He will always watch over me, and try to keep me safe.
I feel that Kevin is in a better place, one without the pain, mental, and physical impairments that dictated his life in the end. I truly hope this is true, because if it is not I could not go on. I still do not know if I can survive without him.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Monday Night Madness
Last night was not so good. I had a hard time focusing on anything. I feel as is everything I do becomes too much to deal with. Even sleep. I fell asleep between 1130 and midnight, then up at 4 AM. This is not a good sign of my mental state. I am noticing that the simplest tasks are becoming overwhelming. I want to leave and just keep going. I remind myself that Kevin's' death will follow me anywhere I go. I feel as if I have been watching life as if it were a movie for the last few months. None of seems real to me. I can no longer pretend that Kevin will come home. The times he was in the extended care facility were difficult, but I know that he was coming home. In some way I have been pretending that he is there. The deception has reached it's end. I started to realize what I was doing on Saturday night. When I came home and before I even got out of the car Corrected myself about calling him and giving a synopsis of the evening. It amazes me that I have actually been doing this to myself. I guess it is just a copping mechanism.
I am suppose to go to a group grief counseling tonight. Hopefully I will make it. Something has to start changing, this horror can not go on much longer. I feel as though nothing is left for me. I did make Kevin the world, especially over the past 2 years. Now the world is gone and starting over is simply more that I can cope with right now. I really want to run away for all of this but that is not possible.
This is not the way it was suppose to be. I never anticipated Kevin dyeing first. I was suppose to go first. That is what the plan was from the start. I was prepared for that outcome. Even though I was doing better I still believed that I should go first. I was so dependent on Kevin that my coping abilities are almost non existent. Even after everything had happened with the tumor and infections, I really did not think he was going to die, until the Wednesday before he left. I told him that I was not relay ready for this, his response was that everything would be alright. He had no clue. Nothing is ever going to be alright again, not for me anyway. Fifteen years is a long time to expect something and then it gets reversed on you. That is not alright, nothing is alright with Kevin's death. I am so dam angry at everything and everyone I see with their spouse. It just makes me feel more alone than before. I know being angry with someone just because their life has not been riped away is not good or fair. I relay don't care.
The worst is when someone tels me that they understand, when they have no clue. The only people that can understand have gone through the same loss as me.
I am suppose to go to a group grief counseling tonight. Hopefully I will make it. Something has to start changing, this horror can not go on much longer. I feel as though nothing is left for me. I did make Kevin the world, especially over the past 2 years. Now the world is gone and starting over is simply more that I can cope with right now. I really want to run away for all of this but that is not possible.
This is not the way it was suppose to be. I never anticipated Kevin dyeing first. I was suppose to go first. That is what the plan was from the start. I was prepared for that outcome. Even though I was doing better I still believed that I should go first. I was so dependent on Kevin that my coping abilities are almost non existent. Even after everything had happened with the tumor and infections, I really did not think he was going to die, until the Wednesday before he left. I told him that I was not relay ready for this, his response was that everything would be alright. He had no clue. Nothing is ever going to be alright again, not for me anyway. Fifteen years is a long time to expect something and then it gets reversed on you. That is not alright, nothing is alright with Kevin's death. I am so dam angry at everything and everyone I see with their spouse. It just makes me feel more alone than before. I know being angry with someone just because their life has not been riped away is not good or fair. I relay don't care.
The worst is when someone tels me that they understand, when they have no clue. The only people that can understand have gone through the same loss as me.
Monday, October 19, 2009
6 weeks after
Firday was 6 weeks since Kevin died. It seems an eternity, and at the same time like it was just moments ago. My mind wonders between what could have been and what if's. These 2 things can tear you apart. I went to a Birthday Party at Chillies' in Fenton for one of Charlie's nephews. I had a good evening, until time to come home. I was listening to the song "My Immortal" by Evanescence. The line tat brought me to tears was "now I'm bound by the life you left behind." That sums up how I feel. Comming into an empty house alone is the worst. This use to be our home, that is gone. I have no home, just a house that is empty and without warmth. The bleakness that I feel every time I come back here is getting palatable. I am not sure if I can leave here but I know if I don't the memories and doubts will consume me. After having by little hysterical balling fit, I went to bed. Sleep was not a friend. I dreamed in a restless sleep. Dreams are not remembered, only the feelings that I somehow could have done something different, better, or have been a stronger person and that would have made a difference somehow. I know in my mind this is not so. I did the best I could, it may not have been good enough, but it was all I had.
Sunday was not too bad during the day. I went to another BD party at O'Charlies. This was Heathers' 30th. I was fine until on the way home knowing that I had to return here. I was able to at least keep myself together until later in the evening. The emptiness and doubt that are my constant companion are tearing away at my core. I gave everything I had to Kevin and now have nothing good for myself left. I am left with anger, loneliness, emptiness, and unending grief. I feel that for evry step taken for ward, I am pushed back 4 more. This is a battle I can not hope to win. Just how long can this go on before something gives. I am at a point that I really don't care which way it goes anymore. Things just can not stay where they are, the situation is imposiable to live with. I am just so tired of feeling I have nothing to look forward to. I really do not consider this living, it is exhausting.
Sunday was not too bad during the day. I went to another BD party at O'Charlies. This was Heathers' 30th. I was fine until on the way home knowing that I had to return here. I was able to at least keep myself together until later in the evening. The emptiness and doubt that are my constant companion are tearing away at my core. I gave everything I had to Kevin and now have nothing good for myself left. I am left with anger, loneliness, emptiness, and unending grief. I feel that for evry step taken for ward, I am pushed back 4 more. This is a battle I can not hope to win. Just how long can this go on before something gives. I am at a point that I really don't care which way it goes anymore. Things just can not stay where they are, the situation is imposiable to live with. I am just so tired of feeling I have nothing to look forward to. I really do not consider this living, it is exhausting.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Wild and Crazy Friday night
Had a busy day today. Cleaned the entire house and avoided a fire in the washing machine, have a table in the dinning room, and did it all without a martini. I realy feel that I am acomplishing a lot. I just returned home form dinner with Sharon and Carol. We had a realy great evening. We went to the Gyro place on Gravois, then a coup of drinks at Del Peidros. Had a pretty ok day, except for the smokey basemnet from the death of the washer.
Got a call from Mom about 11ish. She was home form work with phenumonia. She waited untill she could not hardly functun untill going to the Dr. she is so in trouble, perhaps Teresa and I need to ground her for a while, or worse give her time out with Dad! Talked to Doris today, she is sounding like the Drew flu is hitting her. Mr. Russell came home from the hospital yeaterday, I tried to call them this afternoon but no answer. I am sure they are back at the usual routine.
I am getting ready to get on the bike, so desperatly need it. The grief councler form BJC called today, I realy like her. Spoke for about an hour and feel better she is not just wanting me to feel better now, but in the long term. The fact that she has a profesional investment instead of a strong emotional one lets me give her the benefit of the doubt in her observations. I know that friends and family want me to feel better now but it is OK to still be angry, hurt and feel abandoned. I will get past when it is time and not untill then.
Well it is time to keep on some sort of routine.
Kenny
y
Got a call from Mom about 11ish. She was home form work with phenumonia. She waited untill she could not hardly functun untill going to the Dr. she is so in trouble, perhaps Teresa and I need to ground her for a while, or worse give her time out with Dad! Talked to Doris today, she is sounding like the Drew flu is hitting her. Mr. Russell came home from the hospital yeaterday, I tried to call them this afternoon but no answer. I am sure they are back at the usual routine.
I am getting ready to get on the bike, so desperatly need it. The grief councler form BJC called today, I realy like her. Spoke for about an hour and feel better she is not just wanting me to feel better now, but in the long term. The fact that she has a profesional investment instead of a strong emotional one lets me give her the benefit of the doubt in her observations. I know that friends and family want me to feel better now but it is OK to still be angry, hurt and feel abandoned. I will get past when it is time and not untill then.
Well it is time to keep on some sort of routine.
Kenny
y
Thursday, October 15, 2009
A Rolercoaster of a Week
This week is under the control of a practical joker. I am having some of the best days since Kevin's death, mixed with some really awful ones. Yesterday actually was pretty good. I happened on a condo development in Kirkwood that is really reasonable and has enough room for all of my crap!! The location was not bad about 1 or 2 miles from Merrimack. Things were pretty good all evening except that I had an earache that was getting worse, I had not been feeling well the past few days. I thought an inner ear infection. Doris called and let me know that Mr. Russell had his pacemaker battery replaced and that Drew probably had the H1N1 flu. Mr Russell is home today. That is about the only good thing that happened today for me. the day started with the laptop crashing on the money file. My waffle was tough, I made eggs and drooped them down the front of my shirt. I kind of lost my temper and threw a TV tray down the basement steps and put a hole hole in the wall. Something else for me to take care of. I did manage to get the backup for the money file at least. I then tested the waters of driving. I had our wedding bands welded into one. It looked great, until 30 minutes when the small spot weld failed. Then I went to lunch with my sister, which was pleasant and uneventful.
I managed to get an ad in the post for this weekend to sell the Neon. That was another experience in cyber hell. Then I had the bright idea to put in the "Jesus Christ Superstar" CD. This is one I have never listened to before. This is the live Broadway performance with the original cast. Not thinking this is the one that the last song from Kevin's memorial service came from, as well as some other songs that are more profound in this version. Then I proceeded to have an emotional overload and just balled for half an hour. I do feel better, the earache is gone and I am now just tired.
Well as scarlet said "Tomorrow is another day". I have to say all in all that I am doing far better than most of those who know me thought I wood, this includes myself. Kevin insulated me from so many things that everyday life requires, that in some ways I am almost like the child just on his own. I know that he just wanted to take care of me, but in the end I should have made myself be more aggressive about the business details of life. I think that is what makes me the most angry, not really at Kevin but at myself for allowing so much of my independence to go away, never thinking that I would need it. I was more than happy to let Kevin take care of the details. So in the end I only have myself to blame for my inability to deal with some of the intricate things in life. I guess it is time for me to grow up and take charge of my life. This adult thing is really SUCKY!
I managed to get an ad in the post for this weekend to sell the Neon. That was another experience in cyber hell. Then I had the bright idea to put in the "Jesus Christ Superstar" CD. This is one I have never listened to before. This is the live Broadway performance with the original cast. Not thinking this is the one that the last song from Kevin's memorial service came from, as well as some other songs that are more profound in this version. Then I proceeded to have an emotional overload and just balled for half an hour. I do feel better, the earache is gone and I am now just tired.
Well as scarlet said "Tomorrow is another day". I have to say all in all that I am doing far better than most of those who know me thought I wood, this includes myself. Kevin insulated me from so many things that everyday life requires, that in some ways I am almost like the child just on his own. I know that he just wanted to take care of me, but in the end I should have made myself be more aggressive about the business details of life. I think that is what makes me the most angry, not really at Kevin but at myself for allowing so much of my independence to go away, never thinking that I would need it. I was more than happy to let Kevin take care of the details. So in the end I only have myself to blame for my inability to deal with some of the intricate things in life. I guess it is time for me to grow up and take charge of my life. This adult thing is really SUCKY!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Getting through another day
I had a not so great day yesterday. Mr Russell went into the hospital with some chest pain. As it turns out the doctors think it is because the battery in his pacemaker is a year over due to be replaced. If that is all the fix should be easy. He does appear to be doing better with Kevin's death. He does not appear as frail and done in as he did.
After I got home yesterday afternoon, I had a pretty good evening. Nothing to out of the ordinary. That is until I was in bed. I had almost fell totally asleep when I heard Kevin say my name. It was not as if he was calling out so much as just waking me up. When I did wake up the cats were at the foot of the bed staring at the closet door. In front of the door was a shadow, that is the best way to describe it. I knew it was Kevin immediately. There was no fear, or startling to it, just that Kevin was at the foot of the bed and I knew it. The shadow was moving a little bit and so I started talking to him. The movements were almost responses to what I was saying. I asked a few questions, and then just talked to him for a few minutes. I was so tired I told him good night, and went to sleep. I have not slept so well in almost 2 years! No pills just a really relaxing slumber. I did not really get out of be until after 8 am. The cats were fed at 5 but I drooped right back off. I never do that. The sense of security was palatable. It was as if he was there watching over me. I am not sure how much of this is my over active imagination, but something was definitely different.
I was reminded of how we would talk just before going to sleep most nights. Some of our best talks were done at this time. Most of the time we would hold hands of snuggle while we talked. I felt just the same last night. It was so relaxing, and gave me a sense of security that has been gone for so long now. I truly believe that Kevin is watching out for me, just as he did all the years we were together. I must admit that when things go wrong lately I handle them much calmer that at any other time in my life. Well that is enough of the crazy mind of Kenny. Kevin always did fear me having a pulpit to spew my ramblings, and ideas from. .
Well that is all for now I am feeling a little under the weather. Not up to full steam to day.
After I got home yesterday afternoon, I had a pretty good evening. Nothing to out of the ordinary. That is until I was in bed. I had almost fell totally asleep when I heard Kevin say my name. It was not as if he was calling out so much as just waking me up. When I did wake up the cats were at the foot of the bed staring at the closet door. In front of the door was a shadow, that is the best way to describe it. I knew it was Kevin immediately. There was no fear, or startling to it, just that Kevin was at the foot of the bed and I knew it. The shadow was moving a little bit and so I started talking to him. The movements were almost responses to what I was saying. I asked a few questions, and then just talked to him for a few minutes. I was so tired I told him good night, and went to sleep. I have not slept so well in almost 2 years! No pills just a really relaxing slumber. I did not really get out of be until after 8 am. The cats were fed at 5 but I drooped right back off. I never do that. The sense of security was palatable. It was as if he was there watching over me. I am not sure how much of this is my over active imagination, but something was definitely different.
I was reminded of how we would talk just before going to sleep most nights. Some of our best talks were done at this time. Most of the time we would hold hands of snuggle while we talked. I felt just the same last night. It was so relaxing, and gave me a sense of security that has been gone for so long now. I truly believe that Kevin is watching out for me, just as he did all the years we were together. I must admit that when things go wrong lately I handle them much calmer that at any other time in my life. Well that is enough of the crazy mind of Kenny. Kevin always did fear me having a pulpit to spew my ramblings, and ideas from. .
Well that is all for now I am feeling a little under the weather. Not up to full steam to day.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Good Sunday, Monda has arrivedfellam feel
Had a realy good time looking at a few condos with Dave yesterday. Actually found on in the city, on Clifton by the Post Office, that is a contender. Very 80's but price is right. Went and had the cars cleaned up. Managed to get Neon on Car Soup for sale hopefully will hit Craig's List today. I am not good at the photo uploading thing. Last night was pretty good. Woke up at 5, by cats, and am feeling pretty good. Dave is not up for a walk, so a little bike time this morning. Have to be in Clayton a little after 9 this morning. Yesterday, was a really good day as a mater of fact. I think today is going to be just as good. I am going to do the best I can to make it as fun as possible.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Strange Saturday Night
Last night while on the bike and watching a bad SYFY movie Max started to do cute kitty rolls. This is not unusual except he would stop and reach up with his front paws like someone was just on the other side of the cabinet. I did not pay much attention until I thought someone was standing there for a micro second. I was not scared or even startled. I had a feeling of calm, peacefulness, and safety cover me. Max continued and I asked him who was there, he meowed and reached out to the emptiness with his front paws. This is how he acts when e wants someone to pick him up. His actions were not odd except he was not directing them at me. Max does not reach into empty space, never has. During ll of this I kept remembering how Kevin would say he loved me bore bed, or when he was leaving for work. I am still feeling the calming effects of what ever it was I think Kevin was here. I am grateful for the visit. I am feeling so much better. Strange that something that is probably a product of my over active imagination could effect me so profoundly.
Make no mistake the depression is still alive and well, yet I feel that I am not so alone any longer.
Make no mistake the depression is still alive and well, yet I feel that I am not so alone any longer.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
The Business of Death must go on
The day began at 4:15 AM today. The cats insisted on being fed right then. Well sleep deprivation has proven get me moving on the tasks that need to be done. I have moved the dresser,cleaned and organized the desk. I have been looking at condos that have open houses tomorrow, and there is quit a selection out there. I am starting to discover why I have been so depressed about Kevin this past week. His birthday is right around the corner and this is going to sound strange but I am getting back into the routine we kept for the past 2 years. I am getting on the bike after dinner and coming upstairs about 9 or 10. This was when we talked about what we were going to do the next day. I am missing this time to use him as a sound board. This is also the way I could judge how he felt. Kevin would have several things to do if he was feeling well, and did not want to make or have me make any plans if he wasn't.
I am trying to keep up a life that no longer exists. This is something that has to change. I have to find the kind of life I am going to have now. I always said Kevin was resistant to changes, but what most do not know, I am also. The older I get the more set in my ways I become. The past 2 years have been one upheaval after another. My center is off and I do not feel grounded, or even keeled. Things have taken on a life of their own, and continue with or without me. This is not something that I am use to.
When Kevin was alive I usualy set the pace, or Kevin and I set it together. Kevin's illness turned our world upside down. Now half of my world is no longer here, and the upheaval still continues. Most days I just do not want to get out of bed, or even wake up. The demands of the cats make me move. Without the little demanding monsters I would probably stay in bed most of the time. Wallowing in self pitty that is so easy for me to do. I have to realize that I am lucky. Kevin and I had 15 years, most people don't have that. We managed to stay together and depend on each other. The past 2 years were a true testament to our commitment. The good times were far outweighed by the bad during his illness. Yet I am starting to forget a lot of the bad, and the good is standing out more than when he was alive. Maybe that is what truly makes our bod and commitment. Many couples end up seperating during such a difficul time. I never once thought about not takeing care of him. Many times I wanted to run away and never look back. The thought of Kevin being alone faceing this was to horrific to contimplate. Our strength was with one another. Whe together we held ourselves up and took strength from each other. Each givving all he had, and sometimes more.
I am still so angry at the lack of recognition of our relationship. Kevin was also. He felt estremly slighted by those who would not accept us. I gues that is where a lot of my aner comes from. People who look at us as undeserving of recognition, and respect. Straight couples who go through this are given no extra prais, they are expected to do it. Many do not hold up to their end of the bargin. Kevin and I made a commitment to be together through the good the bad and the ugly. We stayed true to our life and bult one that is envied by many people we know and just aquanted with. I can only think of 10 couples that have made it as long as we did. Most of those are gay, and lesbian What does that say for the tru meaning of marriage?
I am trying to keep up a life that no longer exists. This is something that has to change. I have to find the kind of life I am going to have now. I always said Kevin was resistant to changes, but what most do not know, I am also. The older I get the more set in my ways I become. The past 2 years have been one upheaval after another. My center is off and I do not feel grounded, or even keeled. Things have taken on a life of their own, and continue with or without me. This is not something that I am use to.
When Kevin was alive I usualy set the pace, or Kevin and I set it together. Kevin's illness turned our world upside down. Now half of my world is no longer here, and the upheaval still continues. Most days I just do not want to get out of bed, or even wake up. The demands of the cats make me move. Without the little demanding monsters I would probably stay in bed most of the time. Wallowing in self pitty that is so easy for me to do. I have to realize that I am lucky. Kevin and I had 15 years, most people don't have that. We managed to stay together and depend on each other. The past 2 years were a true testament to our commitment. The good times were far outweighed by the bad during his illness. Yet I am starting to forget a lot of the bad, and the good is standing out more than when he was alive. Maybe that is what truly makes our bod and commitment. Many couples end up seperating during such a difficul time. I never once thought about not takeing care of him. Many times I wanted to run away and never look back. The thought of Kevin being alone faceing this was to horrific to contimplate. Our strength was with one another. Whe together we held ourselves up and took strength from each other. Each givving all he had, and sometimes more.
I am still so angry at the lack of recognition of our relationship. Kevin was also. He felt estremly slighted by those who would not accept us. I gues that is where a lot of my aner comes from. People who look at us as undeserving of recognition, and respect. Straight couples who go through this are given no extra prais, they are expected to do it. Many do not hold up to their end of the bargin. Kevin and I made a commitment to be together through the good the bad and the ugly. We stayed true to our life and bult one that is envied by many people we know and just aquanted with. I can only think of 10 couples that have made it as long as we did. Most of those are gay, and lesbian What does that say for the tru meaning of marriage?
Friday, October 09, 2009
What in the hell is wrong with me !
I hve been doing pretty good latley, untill I turned the TV off last night. I was finished with the bike and when I closed the cabinet doors the tears gust started. this was without warnning. I had this grief just it me like a Mack truck. I could not stop cryin or my mind racing from one regrett to another. I do not like not to be in control and this was just pittiful. The only way to cope was to take a sleeping pill and just knok myself out. This morning is a little better. I wonder if it has to do with the rings not being done, the weather, not being able to get a handel on the house, or what? I do know this has to stop or I will not recover. This is the worst since of emptyness since Kevin actualy died. Actuallythis is worse than when he died. I had a plan and thngs to acomplish that could not be put off. I had a since of urgency and usefulness. Now nothing is urgent and I feel as if I am taking up space and air that could go to better uses. What I would not give to have 15 minutes more with him in a lucid state.
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