Fairwell to Summer Hello to Fall

The end of summer is quickly approaching and fall is looming. I
am having problems with my left knee. The Dr. referred me to an
orthopedic, who I will see at the end of the month. I am pretty sure
that surgery is in my near future. The cool weather will be a welcome
relief to the electric bill. Fall is a good time for me, I like the
cool weather for sleeping, the allergies are kinda bad but the trade
off is worth it. I have also decided to get myself into shape
physical. My diabetes is not under control and my weight is up. I
have to start doing the bike again. This is something I am doing for
me. The last year has been about Kevin, this next one is about
getting me into shape. I have been trying to start over from the
point I am at now. This is not a point that I can try to reclaim my
previous life from. I have to get to a point that I can feel
comfortable with myself around men that I am attracted to again. I
know what I have to do in order to get what I want and have made my
mind up to do it.
I feel a little like my old self now that I am realizing that
life is not as complicated as I have made it.

I made it through

I survived the weekend. It was difficult, but with food and a little adult beverage it was tolerable. I am sure that thing will get better as the years go by. I am seeing that things will sometime get better. When I am not sure, and it is possible not to ever get past the grief. Some time the future is too clouded for one to see. Well the second year of my journey has begun. I want to keep moving forward and will force myself to do so.

We not me still

"Happy anniversary baby I've got you on my mind". Here it is the day I have been dreading for so long. One year ago Kevin died. His death was not one of those Betty Davis movies, ie "Dark Victory" she had the same brain cancer as Kevin in that one. He did not loose his sight then simply lay down for a little nap. He was not afforded that. His death was horrific. He died not from the cancer, rather from the side effects of the treatment. His body was consumed with gangrenous infection. He had a fever of 106, was expelling fluid from his mouth when he exhaled and that is how I remember him. Not the active, annal retentive, blue eyed wonder he was. I feel that I was robed of him because of this. I had to watch him slowly slip away over 20 months. The physical losses were difficult but easily managed. The true horror was his inability to be the intellectual man he so prided himself in being. His last days were spent in and out of conciseness. Times he seemed lucid and could communicate somewhat, but others he could become violent and full of rage. I truly believe that was because he knew what he had lost and was so angry that he could not just die so it would not get any worse.
The advise of friends and family is well meant but they do not understand what I have lost, I only know of one person who's mate died. She told me to do what I felt I need to in order to get through it, and ignore everyone else. I could not imagine anything being worse than this, except the loss of a child which I will never know. I still feel as if I am incomplete and it haunts me in my days and especially my empty nights. there is a distinct difference between being alone, and being lonely. Alone is easily rectified, lonely is imposable to fix. I can be in a room full of people and still the loneliness penetrates me to my core. Actually being with others makes it worse, seeing others with their spouse and knot fully realizing what they have.
Kevin and I never watched the sunrise together, other that the last 2 weeks he was alive and he really was not there, and in many ways neither was I. We always thought there would be time for that later in our lives. We put off so many things because we thought we had the time, after I was healthier any way. So many years spent going through the daily routine of life. When asked what I remember the most, it is the routine of us. We were predictable and as off the wall as I am we thrived in it.
I go on not truly living any longer just existing. I have accepted this as what life will be for me, and am actually resigned to it. This has given me a clarity to get trough this last year. A year that like so much of my life has fallen far short of what I expected, from it and myself.

Less than 12 hours

It is less than 12 hours until the exact time of Kevin's death one year ago tomorrow. Today has been emotional hell, and with a multitude of problems. I was hit by an uninsured driver this afternoon, in a car licenced in IL. expired of course, she lives in St. Louis, and has a Missouri drivers license. Once again uninsured! I feel like fate has it in for me. Not too long ago I really thought I was doing better, now I know that the rest of my time in this existence is going to be nothing but pain and disappointment. I have no hope of any sort of happiness, or even contentment. Hell I would settle for a dull ache. It is as if the world is out to get me in everything I attempt to do. I am almost ready to give up trying, it is fruitless. Why even get out of bed, except for the cats.
I have even less hope in my life than I did at this time last year. I knew that Kevin was no longer in pain, he was in a coma by this time, and that he would soon be at peace, or at least not in constant pain. I thought at the time it would just be easier to die with him, now I know it would have been. Life is not optimistic for me. I am alone, lonely, and without any hope of ever being any better. I only hope that this ordeal is soon ended. My body, so frail for so long, is holding up far too well. Maybe my punishment for my transgressions is to live on and bear this horror.