I have decided to make one resolution this year. I have not made any in years. I am going to get back in touch with the world. The more I think about the future the more I see that the grieving process is moving forward. I know that I will never have the normal life I had come to know and depend on with Kevin, but a new normal. The trick is to balance the memories of what was with the reality of what will be. The past is unchangeable, the future is wide open. I have to decide what I want out of life for myself. Did that sound narcissistic? I am giving myself permission to be a single person again. That does not mean that I am ready to try and date or even really meat someone new for any serious emotional commitment, but the world is full of other lonely people who want a little comfort too. I have to get my health back under control or that will reach critical mass soon.
Last night at the grief co uncling group, one of the facilitators mentioned that I seemed more relaxed, and I realized that I was. For the first time in what seems like years I am relaxed. The condo is coming along and I am starting to get a handle on things. I am making plans, and looking forward to completing them. I will always miss Kevin, no matter where I am or what I am doing. He is a permanent part of me that is now beginning to be a comfort instead of a burden. I guess that the books are correct. You never loose your grief, or finish morning, it simply changes into something else. With luck it changes into something that gives you a smile not a tear. I hope to get there someday, but for now I will take what I can get.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Plans for the New Decade
I have come to realize that I have to get myself together. I have not let myself move forward from Kevin's death. I hold a feeling of guilt for living while he is gone. I know that this is normal, and if I did not feel these things would be even more wrong. I am having to look at how I have been avoiding the world for months now. Kevin's limitations gave me the perfect excuse for a long time, now I feel as if I have to get it together or lose all touch with the outside world. Blocking out the world has been far easier that I ever thought it would be. I have no desire to participate or interact with others. It is very easy to do this, far too easy for me. I used Kevin's illness for so long that I just continued after his death. I do not blame him, it is the nature of taking care of someone you love. Being the primary caregiver for someone who is slowly slipping away, without any formal training to know what to expect, is the most difficult thing in the world.
My life is in such flux, and has been for so long that I am not prepared to have a regulated and somewhat stable life. This is something that I have to do in order to survive and have any kind of future, with any happiness. That is something I can not really see for myself now. Kevin is the reason that I have to go on and get back to the business of living. He worked so hard to make sure that I had a future that was not unlike the life with him. He was always a good provider, and in the end that is all he could do for me. Kevin would have been surprised that I am having such a difficult time. I was always the one that steamrolled through everything and everyone. I am just out of steam and can not seem to build it back up.
I have so much to and the time to do it in is not that abundant. My time is going and I have to get on with it. School is starting in a few weeks, and the trip to Phoenix is just a week away. I am feeling like the ability to manage my life is out of my control. The main thing is to get a plan and start soon. i can stick to a plan, I have passed the plan for what to do after Kevin died. Everything that I had to do in that plan has been done. I set the goal of 11-2010 as the date I take control of my life. That is just a few days away, and I am not prepared for the next step yet. Some of the most important decisions in my life have to be made and made by myself. i no longer have Kevin to include or ask in what direction I should go. He was my safe point, I always knew that no matter what choices I made he would always stand by me, well sometimes not too close. I always knew that if I crashed he would pick up the pieces and put me back together. I have to be able to get myself together and preppier to lick my own wounds.
My life is in such flux, and has been for so long that I am not prepared to have a regulated and somewhat stable life. This is something that I have to do in order to survive and have any kind of future, with any happiness. That is something I can not really see for myself now. Kevin is the reason that I have to go on and get back to the business of living. He worked so hard to make sure that I had a future that was not unlike the life with him. He was always a good provider, and in the end that is all he could do for me. Kevin would have been surprised that I am having such a difficult time. I was always the one that steamrolled through everything and everyone. I am just out of steam and can not seem to build it back up.
I have so much to and the time to do it in is not that abundant. My time is going and I have to get on with it. School is starting in a few weeks, and the trip to Phoenix is just a week away. I am feeling like the ability to manage my life is out of my control. The main thing is to get a plan and start soon. i can stick to a plan, I have passed the plan for what to do after Kevin died. Everything that I had to do in that plan has been done. I set the goal of 11-2010 as the date I take control of my life. That is just a few days away, and I am not prepared for the next step yet. Some of the most important decisions in my life have to be made and made by myself. i no longer have Kevin to include or ask in what direction I should go. He was my safe point, I always knew that no matter what choices I made he would always stand by me, well sometimes not too close. I always knew that if I crashed he would pick up the pieces and put me back together. I have to be able to get myself together and preppier to lick my own wounds.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Looking at the past
I know that looking over the past year is not necessarily the best for my mental state. Reviewing it does give me some perspective, that at the moment of writing about it is not possible. When fresh most of the incidents posted seem to be the most important ever, in retrospect they are not, the whole is far larger than the pieces. Who would have thought I could survive all of this with any stability left. I don't have much to begin with. I lost the most important person in my life, but I do have the memories of our years together. I have to remember that is more than most, and some never have it at all. Kevin's illness was not quick but he was capable of having control until the last few weeks. When I say control I mean how he would live, and die. He was a planer, and he was detailed. Above all he thought of me until the end, not always in a positive light. He left few things undone or said. I have been asked if it was better that we had time to prepair. I thought yes, but you are never prepared for loosing the love of your life. It is not as if he had a choice about the matter. That is what hurts the most, lack of choice.
Kevin always was frustrated by my black and white views of life. He liked to have a little gray. When the final hospital stay happened, he was forced to make a black or white choice. I told him that what ever decision he made I would support. this is the one time in my life that I did not let my wants expressed. Meany people would be surprised by this. The most difficult decision that effected me so completely. I felt and still do that the decision was his alone to make. I would have made other choices for him but for myself, I would not have treated the infection the second time. My courage is not that strong. Kevin wanted to live and see all of the joys that it held. He knew that the quality of his life was gone. He could no longer do anything without pain. His vision was being effected, and so was his ability to think.
I know that above all the mental loss was the hardest thing for him, and I believe it was the reason he made the decision he did. Kevin had a fear of being a delusional, lump, needing constant care. This he was able to avoid for the most part. He did not linger for months as he feared. I think he knew that I was about to break from the physical exhaustion. The procedures that were necessary to save his life would have taken months to recuperate. If he would have make it through the surgery. Kevin did not make this decision when everyone was informed, he had been making it for the 20 months he had to deal with his diagnosis. We knew from the beginning that the tumor was terminal. About this we had no illusions.
I know that some do not believe Kevin did make this decision with thought of how it would effect others, but he was thinking of everyone else and the imposable situation that had taken control of our lives. That was what finally made the decision for him. The disease had taken complete control of everything. Not one part of our lives had it not consumed. It controlled his eating, sleeping, mobility, vision, clarity of mind, and had ended our ability to even sleep in the same bed. This is not a big deal to many, but this was when Kevin and I were alone and talked, and made the most important decisions of our life together. It was the most intimate time of us. It hurt him to hold or be held by anyone.
The loss of his ability to protect those he loved was devastating for Kevin, he had to be protected and he could not live that way. He really could not live at all, just exist. That is not life, it is torture. So if you agree of disagree with the decision Kevin made, remember it was not selfish, it was made for all of us who he had to leave in order to protect and care for again.
Kevin always was frustrated by my black and white views of life. He liked to have a little gray. When the final hospital stay happened, he was forced to make a black or white choice. I told him that what ever decision he made I would support. this is the one time in my life that I did not let my wants expressed. Meany people would be surprised by this. The most difficult decision that effected me so completely. I felt and still do that the decision was his alone to make. I would have made other choices for him but for myself, I would not have treated the infection the second time. My courage is not that strong. Kevin wanted to live and see all of the joys that it held. He knew that the quality of his life was gone. He could no longer do anything without pain. His vision was being effected, and so was his ability to think.
I know that above all the mental loss was the hardest thing for him, and I believe it was the reason he made the decision he did. Kevin had a fear of being a delusional, lump, needing constant care. This he was able to avoid for the most part. He did not linger for months as he feared. I think he knew that I was about to break from the physical exhaustion. The procedures that were necessary to save his life would have taken months to recuperate. If he would have make it through the surgery. Kevin did not make this decision when everyone was informed, he had been making it for the 20 months he had to deal with his diagnosis. We knew from the beginning that the tumor was terminal. About this we had no illusions.
I know that some do not believe Kevin did make this decision with thought of how it would effect others, but he was thinking of everyone else and the imposable situation that had taken control of our lives. That was what finally made the decision for him. The disease had taken complete control of everything. Not one part of our lives had it not consumed. It controlled his eating, sleeping, mobility, vision, clarity of mind, and had ended our ability to even sleep in the same bed. This is not a big deal to many, but this was when Kevin and I were alone and talked, and made the most important decisions of our life together. It was the most intimate time of us. It hurt him to hold or be held by anyone.
The loss of his ability to protect those he loved was devastating for Kevin, he had to be protected and he could not live that way. He really could not live at all, just exist. That is not life, it is torture. So if you agree of disagree with the decision Kevin made, remember it was not selfish, it was made for all of us who he had to leave in order to protect and care for again.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Year in Review
Last night I read the blog from the beginning to the last post. My editing is atrocious. Well I am not surprised. I could track Kevin's decline. Not just in the updates I put in but in his posts. I could see errors in his writing that he would never have made normally. It gives me a sense of comfort that I do have his last communications with the world to keep. There are times when the past year is like a nightmare. Seeing in in writing makes me realize that I did go through it and managed to survive so far. I can see my own desperate pleas in the words as well. I still have a hard time remembering everything clearly or at all. Strange how how the mind protects itself by simply blocking out what it can not deal with.
I still do not remember the services for Kevin and the only thing I do remember is seeing him after he had died and it looked like he had a smile on his face. That will stay with me forever. I think that was what let me do what had to be done and finish up the arrangements he had so painstakingly made. I can see that I knew the end was coming better than he did, until the last hospital visit. I knew inside that he was done, one thing about Kevin he was stubborn. When he made up his mind about something changing it was imposable, and he always accused me of being stubborn.
The new year is upon me and the old one is mostly a vauge haze in my minds eye. Memory is a funny thing some of the worst moments stand out in frount of the wonderful ones. I have went to hell and am still traveling through. Trying not to slow down or take any detours. The thought of passing the exit sign still seems far from me. I have often said that we live in a hell of our own makeing, and it it true. Until I can grasp the reality of the past I am forced to be constantly examining it. One day that will end, just when or how I am unsure. One thing I do know is that life is for the living. Kevin and I had a huge fight about this just before my birthday this year. I told him he was acting like he was already dead. I think he realized that his actions were destroying everything we had built together. He started to live again, just to have his life taken when he was feeling a little reliefe. Nothing can change what was, nothing can let one go back for a do over. That would only work if we were allowed to change things. Changing someting then could upset the ballance and you would never have been abel to go back. Strante how the laws of nature are frinite and unbending. They are also the only laws one can never get away with breaking.
I still do not remember the services for Kevin and the only thing I do remember is seeing him after he had died and it looked like he had a smile on his face. That will stay with me forever. I think that was what let me do what had to be done and finish up the arrangements he had so painstakingly made. I can see that I knew the end was coming better than he did, until the last hospital visit. I knew inside that he was done, one thing about Kevin he was stubborn. When he made up his mind about something changing it was imposable, and he always accused me of being stubborn.
The new year is upon me and the old one is mostly a vauge haze in my minds eye. Memory is a funny thing some of the worst moments stand out in frount of the wonderful ones. I have went to hell and am still traveling through. Trying not to slow down or take any detours. The thought of passing the exit sign still seems far from me. I have often said that we live in a hell of our own makeing, and it it true. Until I can grasp the reality of the past I am forced to be constantly examining it. One day that will end, just when or how I am unsure. One thing I do know is that life is for the living. Kevin and I had a huge fight about this just before my birthday this year. I told him he was acting like he was already dead. I think he realized that his actions were destroying everything we had built together. He started to live again, just to have his life taken when he was feeling a little reliefe. Nothing can change what was, nothing can let one go back for a do over. That would only work if we were allowed to change things. Changing someting then could upset the ballance and you would never have been abel to go back. Strante how the laws of nature are frinite and unbending. They are also the only laws one can never get away with breaking.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Christmas Day
Yesterday was an exercise in control. I just wanted to be alone and left to my own devices. The obligations of family trump the desires of me. The lunch at Keith's was actually calm, and not too much. Mr. Russell acknowledged that Kevin was an emptiness, so the cat was out of the bag. Mason and Meg only wanted to play with the new toys and be left alone. They are older and calmer. I left there at 2 to go home and wrap presents for Teresa's, and make bean dip. I went to the Dr. in the morning and of course my weight is up and he told me it was time to focus on taking care of myself. I have no desire to do anything that is good for me right now. All I really want to do is eat everything and have a lot of Jack Daniels, he makes the pain of life a little numb. I really need this right now. I have never been one to run away from difficulties, but I am overwhelmed right now.
Teresa's was lively to say the least! I arrived after some of the revelers, which is not the norm. The largest mass of the party goers left rather early. Those with little party goers had to get home and get the the overexcited kids to sleep so Santa could make his way into the house and collect his blackmail for letting the kids love their parents on Christmas Morning. I left about 8:30 and came home to watch "A Christmas Story" marathon on TBS. This is my favorite show of all time in the holiday movies. i did laundry what a fun time. Funny how things can change in a matter of one year. Last year Kevin and I did our usual ritual. Came home form Teresa's and then a little time watching TV in bed, then preparing for the next day by recounting the past Christmas. I was always up early, Kevin always slept in until he had to get up and get ready to go to Illinois. Then off we would be and late lunch open gifts, then over to my parents for a short while. The end of the day was always ours together. We kept one gift for each other to open just with ourselves. Usually this was the most personal gift. We always went to be and talked about what the new year would bring. Last year we really did not go past the tirp to Pheonix. We never made that trip. Kevin started to really go down hill after that.
I had no idea 2008 was our last Christmas togeter. Kevin had been doing so well. I had come to have a little hope. Huge mistake. It was the jworst year of my life. Kevin slowly sliped away after that. January 1, 2009 was the beginning of the end. Afer that day I knew our time was limited and I would be alone by 2010.
Teresa's was lively to say the least! I arrived after some of the revelers, which is not the norm. The largest mass of the party goers left rather early. Those with little party goers had to get home and get the the overexcited kids to sleep so Santa could make his way into the house and collect his blackmail for letting the kids love their parents on Christmas Morning. I left about 8:30 and came home to watch "A Christmas Story" marathon on TBS. This is my favorite show of all time in the holiday movies. i did laundry what a fun time. Funny how things can change in a matter of one year. Last year Kevin and I did our usual ritual. Came home form Teresa's and then a little time watching TV in bed, then preparing for the next day by recounting the past Christmas. I was always up early, Kevin always slept in until he had to get up and get ready to go to Illinois. Then off we would be and late lunch open gifts, then over to my parents for a short while. The end of the day was always ours together. We kept one gift for each other to open just with ourselves. Usually this was the most personal gift. We always went to be and talked about what the new year would bring. Last year we really did not go past the tirp to Pheonix. We never made that trip. Kevin started to really go down hill after that.
I had no idea 2008 was our last Christmas togeter. Kevin had been doing so well. I had come to have a little hope. Huge mistake. It was the jworst year of my life. Kevin slowly sliped away after that. January 1, 2009 was the beginning of the end. Afer that day I knew our time was limited and I would be alone by 2010.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Holidaze are upon me
I have been busy at nothing it seams. Every time I manage to accomplish one goal 2 more pop up or I forget until the last minute. Spent last evening with the Russell clan. The kids were a blast! It was strange how the seat next to me, a chair with ottoman was empty. No one tried to sit in it. Somehow it was filled with Kevin's spirit. I know this is strange and most think I am nuts, but he was there with us. His absence in physical form was like the 300 pound gorilla in the room. No one talked about him. It was strange, as if simply mentioning him would make things worse. The kids did not know the difference, but every adult knew it. The kids do not ask about Uncle Kevin anymore. I know the little one's will forget him in time. Heidi should have a few memories of him though.
I received a card from Lou and Carol they had a tree planted in Kevin's name at a national forest. This seems fitting. Something with his name will be around long after we are all gone. I wonder if it will even matter? In two or three generations we will all just be stories associated with pictures. Strange to think of yourself as an image with no real meaning to someone. The new year is coming and with it new memories. Maybe a new life can start form the ashes of the old one. I am not holding my breath. HA HA. The idea of being in a life without Kevin is still so foreign to me. I just can not fathom how I will be able to go on. I still want to discuss the day and decisions with him. Sometimes I do. He has yet to give me an answer.
I know that writing this is for myself, and not truly for posterity. Yet is gives me a feeling of touching the outside world and still remain here in the memories that make me comfortable. Baby steps, that is what I am told. Well the baby is ready to have a meltdown. The needs of the one are starting to outweigh the needs of the many. I am looking forward to something, I just do not know what yet.
I received a card from Lou and Carol they had a tree planted in Kevin's name at a national forest. This seems fitting. Something with his name will be around long after we are all gone. I wonder if it will even matter? In two or three generations we will all just be stories associated with pictures. Strange to think of yourself as an image with no real meaning to someone. The new year is coming and with it new memories. Maybe a new life can start form the ashes of the old one. I am not holding my breath. HA HA. The idea of being in a life without Kevin is still so foreign to me. I just can not fathom how I will be able to go on. I still want to discuss the day and decisions with him. Sometimes I do. He has yet to give me an answer.
I know that writing this is for myself, and not truly for posterity. Yet is gives me a feeling of touching the outside world and still remain here in the memories that make me comfortable. Baby steps, that is what I am told. Well the baby is ready to have a meltdown. The needs of the one are starting to outweigh the needs of the many. I am looking forward to something, I just do not know what yet.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Settelling In
It has been a few days, but the move is nearly over. I am settling in at the condo. I have phone, Internet,and Uverse. I have had a few moments to regret the move and thinking that I made a mistake in leaving the house. Now I am seeing that this was the best for me. The change is what I need. I could have never moved past the life Kevin and I made while living in the most memorable symbol of it. I am not sure how the new place will workout, but I will sooner or later.
I go by the house every day and get a load of stuff, and the mail. Yesterday I opened a cart for Kevin. It was his Birthday card form Food Outreach. I was really taken back. I had a mini breakdown, and it took about an hour to recover. I still am surprised at some little thing that brings back the loss. I am realizing that this grieving is going to go on for a long time. According to the experts, I am going to be doing this the rest of my life. I am starting to get a handle on the anger. I understand that the anger is at myself. I am also torn between trying to get back into life, with a new normal. This is a hard thing to do, when your normal is fifteen years in the making.
Some days are better than others. I can not bring myself to participate in the social side of life. I still do not consider what I am doing living. I am existing.
I may never get past this and that will be OK. I have to do what is best for me and not apologise for what is necessary. Being selfish is not a problem for me in the first place.
The future is out there if only I wanted it. Strange how I use to always think about what was next in life, and now I dread it. Each new day moves we further away from the live Kevin and I built together. Moving forward means giving up on the life I cherished, and wanted. Kevin was constant. He was the anchor that I held onto. Without him I feel adrift and unattached to anything, or anyone. Not exactly what you want for yourself at 41. This time of my life was suppose to be settled and calm. Not being thrown one way and then another. I thought that by now I would either be finished with school or close to a bachelors. This was when I can not refocus on a life that is way gone. I am looking forward to going back to school, and part of me wants to just say in bed and just sleep. Kevin gave me so much support in everything I did. I just keep on going with some semblance of normality, and ties to the past. Kevin is the reason that I really want to finish school and accomplish at least one goal in my life. Kevin was always frustrated with how easily I could be derailed, but not with my education. I think he was proud of the accomplishment I have done scholastically. He did not understand my drive to keep up an average of 3.75 or jbetter and often told me that I did not have to try for perfection. Well time to go to the movie and maybe see some snow.
I go by the house every day and get a load of stuff, and the mail. Yesterday I opened a cart for Kevin. It was his Birthday card form Food Outreach. I was really taken back. I had a mini breakdown, and it took about an hour to recover. I still am surprised at some little thing that brings back the loss. I am realizing that this grieving is going to go on for a long time. According to the experts, I am going to be doing this the rest of my life. I am starting to get a handle on the anger. I understand that the anger is at myself. I am also torn between trying to get back into life, with a new normal. This is a hard thing to do, when your normal is fifteen years in the making.
Some days are better than others. I can not bring myself to participate in the social side of life. I still do not consider what I am doing living. I am existing.
I may never get past this and that will be OK. I have to do what is best for me and not apologise for what is necessary. Being selfish is not a problem for me in the first place.
The future is out there if only I wanted it. Strange how I use to always think about what was next in life, and now I dread it. Each new day moves we further away from the live Kevin and I built together. Moving forward means giving up on the life I cherished, and wanted. Kevin was constant. He was the anchor that I held onto. Without him I feel adrift and unattached to anything, or anyone. Not exactly what you want for yourself at 41. This time of my life was suppose to be settled and calm. Not being thrown one way and then another. I thought that by now I would either be finished with school or close to a bachelors. This was when I can not refocus on a life that is way gone. I am looking forward to going back to school, and part of me wants to just say in bed and just sleep. Kevin gave me so much support in everything I did. I just keep on going with some semblance of normality, and ties to the past. Kevin is the reason that I really want to finish school and accomplish at least one goal in my life. Kevin was always frustrated with how easily I could be derailed, but not with my education. I think he was proud of the accomplishment I have done scholastically. He did not understand my drive to keep up an average of 3.75 or jbetter and often told me that I did not have to try for perfection. Well time to go to the movie and maybe see some snow.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Getting Seteled
Well a few nights at the new place and I am settling in. Have unpacked a lot, but have a lot to still get out of the house. I have Jury Duty this week and can not find the pass to get in with. I am sure it is somewhere in the paperwork I took over yesterday. The condo is starting to feel a little like where I belong. Every time I come to the house the idea that Kevin will be waiting for me is diminishing. I am starting to fully accept that he is never coming back.
Yesterday was long and arduous. I have the bedroom set up and just need to get the art hung, and the couple of boxes put away and that room is complete. The dinning room is another matter. it is full of empty boxes and the unassembled table. I have to move all of it into the second bedroom for Bill to do the trim painting anyhow. The kitchen is as well as can be expected with 2 fridges, and a washer in it. I know things will work out in time. I just feel that time is of the essence for some reason. I want to complete this and get the house sold. School will start on January 17, and I want to have the condo completed by then.
Kevin is constantly on my mind as of late. I am second guessing everything I do as if he were questioning me, all in my mind of course. I can not help but wonder if he misses me as much as I do him, and would he be OK with the decisions that I have made? I know that is a little creepy, but it is the way I feel none the less. I am starting to accept that the grieving process is never going to end. I had the idea that by now life would have moved forward for me. Most days I feel it never truly will. The strange part is that it no longer oppresses me. Could I be accepting the future in store for me, and and not the one I had planed.
Planning, strange how the plans we make can be so destroyed by reality. The knowledge I have gained over the past couple of years about this could fill a book. I always thought that my personality was one that could accept and embrace change at a whim. The truth is that I am far more like Kevin that I could have ever known. We always appeared to be such polar opposites, I was just more outgoing than Kevin. Possibly more self assured, and defiantly more careless. Kevin always analyzed what he did before doing it. I have always just done it, and worried about the consequences after. Now the need to examine each decision made is a necessity. I no longer think about what is the most fun, or the coolest item. I think about the practicality of it and the cost. This is so unlike me. Well I have put off sorting and packing long enough.
Yesterday was long and arduous. I have the bedroom set up and just need to get the art hung, and the couple of boxes put away and that room is complete. The dinning room is another matter. it is full of empty boxes and the unassembled table. I have to move all of it into the second bedroom for Bill to do the trim painting anyhow. The kitchen is as well as can be expected with 2 fridges, and a washer in it. I know things will work out in time. I just feel that time is of the essence for some reason. I want to complete this and get the house sold. School will start on January 17, and I want to have the condo completed by then.
Kevin is constantly on my mind as of late. I am second guessing everything I do as if he were questioning me, all in my mind of course. I can not help but wonder if he misses me as much as I do him, and would he be OK with the decisions that I have made? I know that is a little creepy, but it is the way I feel none the less. I am starting to accept that the grieving process is never going to end. I had the idea that by now life would have moved forward for me. Most days I feel it never truly will. The strange part is that it no longer oppresses me. Could I be accepting the future in store for me, and and not the one I had planed.
Planning, strange how the plans we make can be so destroyed by reality. The knowledge I have gained over the past couple of years about this could fill a book. I always thought that my personality was one that could accept and embrace change at a whim. The truth is that I am far more like Kevin that I could have ever known. We always appeared to be such polar opposites, I was just more outgoing than Kevin. Possibly more self assured, and defiantly more careless. Kevin always analyzed what he did before doing it. I have always just done it, and worried about the consequences after. Now the need to examine each decision made is a necessity. I no longer think about what is the most fun, or the coolest item. I think about the practicality of it and the cost. This is so unlike me. Well I have put off sorting and packing long enough.
Friday, December 11, 2009
The MOVE !!!
It has been a few days. I am in the condo, and without Internet there until 12/17. I am checking, and still moving things from the house. I did better the first night, last night, than I thought I would. Had some guilt about leaving the home Kevin and I built. The loneliness was almost paralyzing for a while, then the tears and finally I was better. Slept well, Ambien induced. Still have a lot of stuff at the house to do. I have not even started on the basement and the attic!!
The time seems to sweep past me. I feel that the entire world is on fast forward, and I am stuck in low. The longer this seems to be the further behind I feel. I have to go and get some dinner before I have a blood sugar melt down. More later when I can wrap my head around all the emotions going through me right now. Hard enough to keep myself in control much less share what is in my mind.
The time seems to sweep past me. I feel that the entire world is on fast forward, and I am stuck in low. The longer this seems to be the further behind I feel. I have to go and get some dinner before I have a blood sugar melt down. More later when I can wrap my head around all the emotions going through me right now. Hard enough to keep myself in control much less share what is in my mind.
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
Forgetting things
Yesterday was a late start. I did not get out of the house until after noon. I did manage to get the majority of the address changes done though. I went to the condo and did a little touch up painting. Decided that the Kitchen will get the final coat of paint after the move. I needed a little time to myself and went to see New Moon. It was OK, the wolf stud was the one she should have chosen, not nelly little Edward. That Bella has a lot to learn about men! Well i was on my way home form the movie at 6:45 and realized the the grief counseling session started at 6:30! I managed to get their by 7:30 and had an hour left. I felt so stupid.
We did talk about feeling guilty and angry. Two points that seem to control me. The advice was right on. Who is this anger really hurting, and why waste the emotion. The later is answered with anger gives me energy, and strength. The first, who is it really hurting, is really me. I am holding on to anger so I do not have to let go of Kevin. I truly can not see a future without him in it and being mad at him keeps him here with me. The trick is to replace that anger with a more positive feeling. I was also still fuming over the memorial at Valhalla. The photo that Ed and Virgina chose was terrible. It was from Kevin's 30Th birthday at the house on S. Virgina. His dad thought it was form his 20Th birthday. When I asked why they did not contact me to get a newer photo all I got was a shrug, and I don't know. Was this a way for them to take control of the service? Probably not intentionally. I do feel as if Kevin's wishes were not honored. I also understand that this was for the survivors, not the deceased. I consider it my duty to keep Kevin's wishes upheld. I will have to be more vigilant with this.
I just do not understand how someone can be so cavalier with the wishes of a dead man who was someone that you loved. I am probably blowing this out of proportion; but I am furious over it. I do believe that the manager of Valhalla has a clear picture on who is to be contacted about further matters involving Kevin. He did not get back to me yesterday, but I will give him until Friday, then contact him again. I am sure he will have the issues solved in a prompt manner.
We did talk about feeling guilty and angry. Two points that seem to control me. The advice was right on. Who is this anger really hurting, and why waste the emotion. The later is answered with anger gives me energy, and strength. The first, who is it really hurting, is really me. I am holding on to anger so I do not have to let go of Kevin. I truly can not see a future without him in it and being mad at him keeps him here with me. The trick is to replace that anger with a more positive feeling. I was also still fuming over the memorial at Valhalla. The photo that Ed and Virgina chose was terrible. It was from Kevin's 30Th birthday at the house on S. Virgina. His dad thought it was form his 20Th birthday. When I asked why they did not contact me to get a newer photo all I got was a shrug, and I don't know. Was this a way for them to take control of the service? Probably not intentionally. I do feel as if Kevin's wishes were not honored. I also understand that this was for the survivors, not the deceased. I consider it my duty to keep Kevin's wishes upheld. I will have to be more vigilant with this.
I just do not understand how someone can be so cavalier with the wishes of a dead man who was someone that you loved. I am probably blowing this out of proportion; but I am furious over it. I do believe that the manager of Valhalla has a clear picture on who is to be contacted about further matters involving Kevin. He did not get back to me yesterday, but I will give him until Friday, then contact him again. I am sure he will have the issues solved in a prompt manner.
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
Painting and Moving and Notifying OH MY!
Yesterday was very long. I started at 7am, went to school paid my tuition, went to get the Occupancy Permit for the condo, and was back home by 9. then I went to the condo and painted until about 10pm. Dave was there almost all day and we did the living and dinning rooms with 2 coats! Dale and C.C. came later and painted the Kitchen. Kitchen needs a little touch up and then it is all done. I did receive a call from Dan at Valhalla yesterday and he is suppose to call me back today. At least I am getting a response finally.
This has been a rough patch for me. The move and feeling a little like I am abandoning Kevin and the wonderful life we had together. He has been very active in the house lately. I hear him walking in the hall and upstairs. Kevin's cologne is strong in the house also, his side of the bed smells just like he is there, or just got up. I really had a balling fest last night. I think it was a combination of exhaustion, frustration, and angst. I felt much better after and really slept well. I am not moving too well today. Have so much to do before Thursday, and I am putting it off until the last. I am questioning the decision to move at all. I know in my mind it is the best thing for me. In my heart that is a different story.
Everywhere I look the house has memories of the last 14 years. Wow on the 17Th I would have lived in this house for 14 years. That is the longest I have lived anywhere in my entire life. The house represents my life in many ways. When we first moved in it was not bad to look at, but the systems were not the best. Over the years with upgrades it has become a strong and secure home that will weather almost anything, keeping those who live there safe and secure. When Kevin and I fist moved in my health was failing, and I really did not think that much life was left for me. As new medications improved my health, I realized that life was not as short as once was believed. Kevin and I began to look to a future beyond the next few months, but in the terms of years. I now have that future, but the cost was horrific, leaving me alone and longing to go back. I know that it is not possible to do that so forward I must proceed.
The hardest is balancing a future with no Kevin with the past that was all about us. Truly the most difficult part of loosing the person you shared your life with is adjusting to the singular. I have not done it yet. When or if I ever will remains to be seen. I can not see myself with anyone except Kevin. That is just my cross to bear. Well enough of this I have to get on with the day.
This has been a rough patch for me. The move and feeling a little like I am abandoning Kevin and the wonderful life we had together. He has been very active in the house lately. I hear him walking in the hall and upstairs. Kevin's cologne is strong in the house also, his side of the bed smells just like he is there, or just got up. I really had a balling fest last night. I think it was a combination of exhaustion, frustration, and angst. I felt much better after and really slept well. I am not moving too well today. Have so much to do before Thursday, and I am putting it off until the last. I am questioning the decision to move at all. I know in my mind it is the best thing for me. In my heart that is a different story.
Everywhere I look the house has memories of the last 14 years. Wow on the 17Th I would have lived in this house for 14 years. That is the longest I have lived anywhere in my entire life. The house represents my life in many ways. When we first moved in it was not bad to look at, but the systems were not the best. Over the years with upgrades it has become a strong and secure home that will weather almost anything, keeping those who live there safe and secure. When Kevin and I fist moved in my health was failing, and I really did not think that much life was left for me. As new medications improved my health, I realized that life was not as short as once was believed. Kevin and I began to look to a future beyond the next few months, but in the terms of years. I now have that future, but the cost was horrific, leaving me alone and longing to go back. I know that it is not possible to do that so forward I must proceed.
The hardest is balancing a future with no Kevin with the past that was all about us. Truly the most difficult part of loosing the person you shared your life with is adjusting to the singular. I have not done it yet. When or if I ever will remains to be seen. I can not see myself with anyone except Kevin. That is just my cross to bear. Well enough of this I have to get on with the day.
Saturday, December 05, 2009
A new place to live
The condo closed on Thursday without a hitch. Apparently paying cash is the easy way to buy a house. I have been busy moving boxes over and unpacking as I go. The big move is December 10. After that I will be sleeping in the new place. I do this with mixed emotions. Part of me wants to stay in the home Kevin and I made together. It offers a level of comfort. I know the bones of this place, and it knows me as well. I am starting to paint on Monday at the condo. We shall see how this works out. How bad can it be it is only paint, right? The start of a new home is scary! Will the neighbors like me will I be asked on the board of directors, will my next door neighbor be the next Jack the Ripper? So many wonderful possibilities. I also had my 4 upper front teeth capped the day of closing. With just the temporaries I am paranoid that I will loose one and have to wait for it to reappear! I am suppose to get the permanents on the 29Th. Christmas is so close. Why is it that I move in December?
Kevin and I moved into the house on December 17, 1995! Then the next day a light dusting of snow turned into a few inches about 4 or 5 I think. So many Holidays spent here. Kevin and I had 2 Christmases together before the house but the house brought out the spirit in Kevin. He wanted to decorate all over. I think it was a direct rebellion against his childhood. The holidays are really for the young, and especially at this time of year Kevin was. He was always enchanted by the lights and decorations. Having the nicest house on the block at Christmas was always one of his goals. The rules were, Lights and decorations up the day after Thanksgiving, unless great weather happened the week before. The decorations did not have to come down but after January 1 they could not be on.
I will not even bother with a tree this year, maybe never. I just have no desire to even have the stuff. I will keep some of the special decorations, but I do not see them ever being used in my lifetime again. I am just so done with it all. I have a goal of having everything done with the new place by January , and this house on the market by then. Too much? I don't think so, but I am a little bit of an overachiever. Well a bath is calling to my back.
Kevin and I moved into the house on December 17, 1995! Then the next day a light dusting of snow turned into a few inches about 4 or 5 I think. So many Holidays spent here. Kevin and I had 2 Christmases together before the house but the house brought out the spirit in Kevin. He wanted to decorate all over. I think it was a direct rebellion against his childhood. The holidays are really for the young, and especially at this time of year Kevin was. He was always enchanted by the lights and decorations. Having the nicest house on the block at Christmas was always one of his goals. The rules were, Lights and decorations up the day after Thanksgiving, unless great weather happened the week before. The decorations did not have to come down but after January 1 they could not be on.
I will not even bother with a tree this year, maybe never. I just have no desire to even have the stuff. I will keep some of the special decorations, but I do not see them ever being used in my lifetime again. I am just so done with it all. I have a goal of having everything done with the new place by January , and this house on the market by then. Too much? I don't think so, but I am a little bit of an overachiever. Well a bath is calling to my back.
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
1 Day to Close!!!
I went to the first of 6 weekly Grief Counseling sessions. The sessions are group, but it is only myself and one other person with 2 facilitators. I did get a lot of time, and feel a little better. The facilitators were a little surprised at all the changes I am making. Next week we are suppose to bring in a photo of our loved ones. I am not sure how this will help, other than to put a face with the stories. I think it may also make my loss more personal to the others. i think this will help a lot in the end. Some of the homework I have is to read how to deal with the holidays, and others who want to offer help that one does not want or need. It is all about doing what you feel you need to do. Not what others think you should or should not do. Very practical advice, I have always done as I wanted so this gives me justification.
I have to say that I am getting anxious about the Condo it is closing tomorrow, and a few things have to happen today. One of which is the insurance, another is the walk through. I have to make another list of things I want to do while I am there. One more list in my life, OMG! On a brighter note I am shooting for a party of some sort in the Condo around New Years. I am going to Phoenix on January 6, returning on January 11. I have not been out there since December 2007. that was when the tumor was still just a knee problem awaiting a Dr. to see it and do surgery. How different our life was to become 3 weeks later. I still look back at any sign I missed that would have indicated how serious it really was. I can not really find one, Kevin was not telling me about the "spasms", or the pressure he was feeling. I do remember on the flight back getting mad at him for spilling 2 sodas. He knocked them over with his right hand. In hindsight it was the tumor, if only. I have had a lot of if only in the past 2 years. I mentioned some of them in the last post.
Some reason for what happened to Kevin should be found, but it never will I know that and hopefully will someday accept it fully. I do know that by the time the knee started it was already too late for him to survive without being severely paralyzed on his right side, and possibly unable to speak for the rest of his life. The speaking thing I would not have minded too much, I would have decided what I wanted him to say. Ha Ha! Well then the outcome would have been very different, the headlines would have read "Man beaten to death with adding machine!" me of course being the victim. Well as much a victim as I could be. Strange how I have never seen myself in that way, victim. With the HIV, AIDS, and all of my other illnesses associated with them. Kevin I see as a victim of the tumor, but not myself. That is strange, the end results victimised me as well. Kevin never saw himself as a victim either. He was too busy working about how to keep everything in order and under control. I don't think Kevin ever understood about the lack of control that disease cause one until it happened to him.
Control, what an interesting word. I now know it is just an illusion that we allow ourselves to have. Nature has the real control over us. I should have known Kevin was controlling, he was a Controller when I met him. I remember looking it up, because I really did not know what that job was. Yes, I do not know everything and sometimes needs assistance. I am getting more and more ready to take what control over my life that I can. I am still not there yet. Kevin took care of so many little day to day necessities that allowed him control over the majority of our life together. I was more than willing to do this. I learned young that live is all about trade offs. Kevin thrived in doing the little details, I am infuriated by them. Kevin loved finding the penny that was off on a statement, and letting me know that I mad the mistake. My answer to this was I make the bill you pay them, it worked for us.
Many things worked for us that will not be happening for me again. Kevin will not be her to tell me that I am close to the limit on my credit card, that is why I have 2 is it not? He will never tell me again that I added instead of subtracting in my check book, I just look it up every day on line and go from there. This is what works for me, alone, without Kevin to fix it. We all have our coping mechanisms. Don't judge me!! Well I have to get a move on people to harass, customer service people to persecute. Wow my day is looking better and better. This is somewhat a funny, but not completely.
I have to say that I am getting anxious about the Condo it is closing tomorrow, and a few things have to happen today. One of which is the insurance, another is the walk through. I have to make another list of things I want to do while I am there. One more list in my life, OMG! On a brighter note I am shooting for a party of some sort in the Condo around New Years. I am going to Phoenix on January 6, returning on January 11. I have not been out there since December 2007. that was when the tumor was still just a knee problem awaiting a Dr. to see it and do surgery. How different our life was to become 3 weeks later. I still look back at any sign I missed that would have indicated how serious it really was. I can not really find one, Kevin was not telling me about the "spasms", or the pressure he was feeling. I do remember on the flight back getting mad at him for spilling 2 sodas. He knocked them over with his right hand. In hindsight it was the tumor, if only. I have had a lot of if only in the past 2 years. I mentioned some of them in the last post.
Some reason for what happened to Kevin should be found, but it never will I know that and hopefully will someday accept it fully. I do know that by the time the knee started it was already too late for him to survive without being severely paralyzed on his right side, and possibly unable to speak for the rest of his life. The speaking thing I would not have minded too much, I would have decided what I wanted him to say. Ha Ha! Well then the outcome would have been very different, the headlines would have read "Man beaten to death with adding machine!" me of course being the victim. Well as much a victim as I could be. Strange how I have never seen myself in that way, victim. With the HIV, AIDS, and all of my other illnesses associated with them. Kevin I see as a victim of the tumor, but not myself. That is strange, the end results victimised me as well. Kevin never saw himself as a victim either. He was too busy working about how to keep everything in order and under control. I don't think Kevin ever understood about the lack of control that disease cause one until it happened to him.
Control, what an interesting word. I now know it is just an illusion that we allow ourselves to have. Nature has the real control over us. I should have known Kevin was controlling, he was a Controller when I met him. I remember looking it up, because I really did not know what that job was. Yes, I do not know everything and sometimes needs assistance. I am getting more and more ready to take what control over my life that I can. I am still not there yet. Kevin took care of so many little day to day necessities that allowed him control over the majority of our life together. I was more than willing to do this. I learned young that live is all about trade offs. Kevin thrived in doing the little details, I am infuriated by them. Kevin loved finding the penny that was off on a statement, and letting me know that I mad the mistake. My answer to this was I make the bill you pay them, it worked for us.
Many things worked for us that will not be happening for me again. Kevin will not be her to tell me that I am close to the limit on my credit card, that is why I have 2 is it not? He will never tell me again that I added instead of subtracting in my check book, I just look it up every day on line and go from there. This is what works for me, alone, without Kevin to fix it. We all have our coping mechanisms. Don't judge me!! Well I have to get a move on people to harass, customer service people to persecute. Wow my day is looking better and better. This is somewhat a funny, but not completely.
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