New additions

I adopted a couple of kittens last week. They are sisters and both black. They have a lot of life in them and it flows into the condo. The house is empty except for a few odds and ends. It is very empty. It is no longer a home to me anyway. I can still see glimpses of the life Kevin and I shared in our home. Glimpses are all that are left there. Most of the memories are within me, photos and some trinkets also bring back the times when I was not alone. I am adjusting to this new way of living slowly but I am at least adjusting. My life is my own now and what I make of it is up to me and me alone. I am finding that being alone is easier and easier as time goes by. I am no longer shying away from social groups and actually had a good time on Saturday at the happy hour.
I am even contemplating going out for a while tonight. I am starting to like the idea of having fun again without too much guilt. Kevin would not want me to sit alone for the rest of my life. I am not sure how Kevin would have dealt with being the one left, but I have some ideas. I would not want him to be alone and make his life all about reliving the past. So I must stop it as well.

Moving forward but not on

Today was an exercise in self control. It started off with the power being out. I was suppose to be in class at 8am and the power did not come on until 8:15. The garage does not have a way of opening the door other than with the automatic door opener. I did finally make it to class but at the very end! It was the basic PE so not much was missed. I went by the apa and looked at 2 of the cutest little black kittens. They are sisters and only 3 months old. I am really torn about this. i really just want one, but they are sooooo cute together. I am having reservations about adopting even one of them. I am not sure that I am ready to take care of anything other than myself. On the flip side I may be better by concentrating on caring for something else that needs me again. I am lonely in the condo. When I come home the place is so lifeless. The house at least had memories tied to it of the best times of my life.
I have reconnected with Rick, a fried from high school. He is my age and we have a lot of things in common. Nothing beyond friendship will happen there. He wants to get into a long term relationship, and I am as far from that as one could be. He also has a son who is 18, and in high school. I am really not up to dealing with a teenager. I have also reconnected with some other high school friends. The circle of life continues upon itself. I feel as lonely and distant from everything as I did in my teen years. I have not the youth and confidence to go through the those trials and tribulations again. Oh well it could be worse, I could be pregnant.

Anniversary to forget

Today is the second anniversary of Kevin going into the hospital and being diagnosed with the tumor. Life has defiantly not turned out as I had planed. I never thought that I would be the one to outlive Kevin. Last year on this date we were suppose to go to Phoenix. Except Kevin contracted the flu and we were at home, he was miserable. That seemed to be the beginning of the most horrific year of my life. He never really recovered from the setbacks that cascaded upon us after that. He did not want to be in St. Louis for the anniversary of his diagnosis and it really defeated him that he was unable to escape, even if for a few days. I never held out much hope that he would recover and yet his death was a shock. I recently heard a quote form Patric Swazey's widow, along the lines of the knowledge that your loved one is dieing the finality of the end is no less devastating. I could not agree with her more. I can look back and say yes his decline was easily tracked, but I did not want to see it. I knew in my head that he was going to die, but my heart was an entirely different manor. I remember that when he did pass I was in such shock that i really did not believe it. I just went through the motions and believed that he would get up out of the casket and say it was all a terrible joke. the joke was on me. I am just now coming to terms with the reality that my life is without him now. No one knows what the future will hold.

The last of life's treasures

Today, with the aid of many others I was able to get the rest of the stuff out of the house and into the condo. Only a few small items remain that will be better transported in the car. Looking at the home I shared with Kevin for almost 14 years was strange to say the least. Nothing of us really remains except for the downstairs. All of the upstairs rooms, except the kitchen are painted a soothing light tan. The rooms look large and bright. The intimacy of our home no longer exists. I sometimes regret leaving the house. I have made decisions that are truly for my best. I have to let go of the notion that Kevin and I have a home or life together any longer. I have to move on. This is what I tell my head, my heart is another matter. I still long for the sound of Kevin shaving and getting ready for work in the morning, his asking me what is for dinner, and rolling his eyes at the answer. The way he would come up and hug me while I was using a knife or at the stove. I always thought he had a death wish at those times. The way he would listen to my latest crazy idea, or smile when he heard about my day. I miss him telling me what happened at work, or the new thing he want to investigate.
Looking back those are what made our life so ordinary, and yet they are also what made it so extraordinary. I saw something on Facebook about the ordinary day being what parents miss the most when children leave. I know form experience that is what you miss when your mate leaves as well. We adjust to a new ordinary as time goes by. With Kevin and I it was moving through the stages of his illness. I had to try to make the changes in routine as close to ordinary as possible so we could both keep our sanity. Kevin tried as well. Sometimes we tried too hard and overlooked the obvious.
The need to keep the ordinary sometimes forced us to loose out on the extraordinary. Kevin and I had wanted to go to Europe for years, it was one of those things that we would do someday. I now understand that one should never put off one's hearts desire until someday, in most cases it never comes and all you are left with is the regret, and loss. If everything that has happened in my life has taught me anything it is to live in the moment. Tomorrow, if it comes, may be too late for the dreams of today. We all make these choices and realise too late that they were not the correct ones. Time is the greatest commodity we have and when it is run out no more can be bought, fought, or bargained for. Time is a finite and once your allotment is used up it is gone for good. So remember the ordinary, it is what we will have the most amount of and it gives us comfort and security. The extraordinary is to be strive and fought for, because without it we can never realize just how wonderful the ordinary truly is.

Phoenix

I arrived on Wednesday and the warm weather is wonderful. MY knees and hip have not bothered me at all while I am here. Just been laying around and doing fun stuff. Katie is a riot. She is razor sharp smart as well. I was helping her study for a spelling test last night, and she knew all 20 words! Some were same sounding words that are spelled different, like fair, and fare. I defiantly would have not done so well at 7. Let's be realistic I could not do so well at 41. It was strange to be on the plane without Kevin. I sat next to 2 elderly ladies and they were sleeping most of the way.
Even when I wake up here it is strange without Kevin. At home I have gotten use to him not being there. Here it is a starting again experience. I see Katie and all she does and can not help but think that Kevin would have enjoyed it so. He always got sick while we were here for at least a couple of days, except for the last time in 2007. Well he had the tumor but we did not know it then. this was the last trip that he was still fully mobile. We went to Branson for Christmas with the Eckhoff bunch after Christmas. Kevin was really having trouble walking by then, I remember we walked all over Silver Dollar City in the freezing and he was limping terribly. It was also colder than a witches @%&.
I have those times to remember as not being overshadowed with the tumor.

2010

It has been a few days. I went to Joey's for the weekend and it was calmer than usual the girls were at their dad's and one of the foster kids is no longer there. On the plus side Kayden and his mom are still there. I managed to get my baby fix so I am good for a while. Jackson is getting taller and skinner. Zack is getting bigger also. Missed the girls, and the chaos that is associated with Zack and his sisters. It was a good visit, and distraction from life as it is now. I leave for Phoenix tomorrow, and come back on Monday. School starts the following week and I will be forced to create a schedule. This should help me considerably.
Yesterday was my Mom's birthday, it was also exactly 4 months since Kevin's death. I was overwhelmed by the day. I could not get Kevin off my mind. I knew that it was not going to be a good day. I did manage to get the condo ready for visitors. Bill did the trim painting and it looks wonderful! I look around and only see what I need to do and sometimes it seems that just seems endless. I have to get things in perspective, and organized and keep on task. When I was taking care of Kevin I had no option but to keep on task and schedule. Kevin made sure of it. I sometimes wish he would have left me a schedule to have things done by, maybe then I would feel more necessity in getting things done on time.
Not keeping on track is not like me at all. I was always the one on time and now I can not get anywhere on time. This has been very frustrating to me, and does not help the depression. Tonight is the last of my weekly Grief group sessions. There will be monthly meetings. They do not get as intense and usually have a lot more people. I still withdraw form large groups and have began to realise that I am withdrawing even in small groups. I no longer engage in a conversation unless it is directed to me. I really have no desire to be in a group that I have much chance of having to engage someone. I find that I do not get lonely because of this. I find that the loneliness is never ending and I am starting to accept this. I have to say that I am a much calmer person, and my temper while always just under the surface is harder to get riled up. Well all in all I am very disconnected to everyone and everything. I find that being by myself is far easier that keeping up the farce that that I am doing any better. The pain is just as sharp as the morning Kevin died. I have realised that one only learns to mask it not that it lessens.
I use to wonder why my Grandma Carter never had anyone else in her life after Grandpa died. She was a relatively young woman. I think only in her late forties. I now understand why she did this. Simply, it is not worth the effort. How can I expect anyone else to be a part of my life when I already have someone in it.

A new year, decade, and life

I am still having a lot of trouble missing Kevin over the past couple of weeks. Monday is my mom's birthday, the only thing I can think of is Kevin died 5 months ago Monday. I do not know why this is setting in so hard. I can not get away from it. This weekend away left me a lot of time to think about things and realise that I must try to get a plan for my future. Not necessarily a multi year forecast, but at least for the next 6 months.
The only things I am sure of are school, selling the house, working on getting my sugars under control, and letting myself at least try to feel some happiness. I really do not see how that is going to be accomplished. I have to try. Without getting some happiness in my life I have not the will to even get out of bed. I see the commercials about rescuing animals and the cats call out to me. I know that I am not ready to have that kind of responsibility yet, if ever. Everything that I have loved and been responsible for the past few years is dead. I have a little guilt over the whole situation. Some of the most joyous moments of my life were with Kevin and the cats. They were my family and now they are all gone. I feel at lose ends and without any direction. just trying not to cry most of the time is getting to me too much.