The last week has been a lot of fun. I went to Hannibal to meet someone and had a great time there. It was cut short because I had to be back for Wicked on Saturday night with Rick. I took Dave to dinner, Rick and Chris met us there. The show was better than I could have hoped. I really liked the storyline and the message it sent.
Sunday I met with a new friend and had a good time. Monday Rick and I went to the reading of a new play and it was awful, but we were asked our opinion on it. Yesterday I ran a few errands and went to Teresa's, then to my parents for a while. Later I met with the friend from Sunday and had a light dinner and couple of appeltinnies. Then got home around 1130.
I am getting the house ready for the Ransden clan to come in next week. They are going to stay with me the entire time they are here. Katie will be fun to spoil. I am also looking forward to pride this weekend. Friday is the happy hour at Sharon and Carol's. Well need to get started on the house cleaning so more later.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
I am now 42
Monday was my 42ND birthday. The entire weekend was filled with family and friends. Saturday Keith and Doris took me to a wine tasting and then to dinner. Sunday was Mom and Dad's 51st wedding anniversary, dinner again, then on my birthday dinner with the family at Outback. After dinner we all went to Mom and Dad's for ice cream cake! I am going to Hannibal on Friday to visit with a new friend. Then on Saturday evening Rick and I are going to see Wicked! This was my birthday present to myself. The condo is coming along, the kitchen is finished, and the dinning room is next. I am thinking about painting the living room the same as the dinning room. Everyone likes the gray and it is very peaceful. The guest room is ready for visitors, still have not decided what to paint it yet.
Life is getting into a rhythm that suits me. I have stopped trying to make things happen and just allow the flow to take me. This is usually when the best things in life come to you. The little ones seem to grow so fast, Jackson will be 5 next month! Karin, Ed and Katie will be in over the 4Th and I am sure Katie will have grown since January. Well not much to report except Kevin not being here for my birthday was depressing, I have been missing him a lot since Memorial day. His presence was missed when I got up on my birthday and no card was on the dinning room table. But I picked myself up and moved on. It seems that I am getting better and better at that. I can almost see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Life is getting into a rhythm that suits me. I have stopped trying to make things happen and just allow the flow to take me. This is usually when the best things in life come to you. The little ones seem to grow so fast, Jackson will be 5 next month! Karin, Ed and Katie will be in over the 4Th and I am sure Katie will have grown since January. Well not much to report except Kevin not being here for my birthday was depressing, I have been missing him a lot since Memorial day. His presence was missed when I got up on my birthday and no card was on the dinning room table. But I picked myself up and moved on. It seems that I am getting better and better at that. I can almost see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
Almost 42
I am trying to finish up the final touches on the condo before Ed, Karin, and Katie get her at the end of June. I will be 42 in a week and this will be my first birthday since Kevin died, our anniversary will be on July 8. We would have been together for 16 years. Who am I kidding we still are in my emotional mind. This is probably why I am having so much difficulty meeting new people. I have never had a problem with this in the past. I also realized that I have not put up any new photos in a long time so i am going to try to add a few today. Getting the condo under control has helped me mentally a great deal. The house is officially off the market, it did not sell, I am going to rent it out.
I have some ambitious plans for this week, some that have carried over for a few weeks. I am doing better at getting everything done that I need and want to.
I have some ambitious plans for this week, some that have carried over for a few weeks. I am doing better at getting everything done that I need and want to.
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
Summer heats up
Time seems to get away from me so easily. I have been busy getting ready for all the paperwork that school entails, trying to keep up with family and friends, and keeping my sanity. The last is probably doubtful to have ever existed. The Holiday was not too bad. I visited Kevin's grave and now I don't know if I will ever return to it. He is not there, he is totally gone from me. I have no sense of him at the house or anywhere else. I am starting to move forward willingly. I have made a few disastrous fores into the dating world. Still I am not giving up. I will find what I want just have to wait until he comes along.
This Friday will be 9 months since Kevin's death. My birthday, and our anniversary are quickly approaching. I will be 42 and this would have been our 16Th anniversary. Time has passed so quickly since Kevin was diagnosed with the tumour. He lived 20 months and it seemed like a blink of an eye. I even have trouble remembering his voice sometimes. I have photos of us all over the condo, and I still sometimes can not remember his face. One thing I will always remember is the way his eyes were an open book to what he was truly feeling. Many times I saw the pain that he tried to hide. The disappointment, and the joy, and mischievousness that was so much apart of him. The way he could look at you over his Reading glasses like a school teacher amazed at the stupidity of your work or question.
I am still trying to do things my own way, but the training I received for 15 years is hard to break. I do know that I am a more patient person now, how much more is the question. Few know of what it was like to take care of Kevin every day. He only wanted me to do most things and did his best to rile me up. Which he did, but not as often as he would have liked. I thought I would not survive his death but the entire thing is still pretty much a blank to me. I remember bits of the viewing and internment service. I do remember everything up to them taking him away the last time. Those are some of my proudest moments in life. I managed to care for him as close to how he wanted as I could do. I have often felt that I did not do a very good job. I am a little easier on myself now. Quite frankly I can not believe I managed to do the things I did.
That is the past and while I can not dismiss it, I have chosen not to revisit it constantly. My future is what I will make of it, not what we made in the past. Kevin is gone and I am finally ready to admit it to myself. This is now my life and I am the only one that has to like it. Watch out cause here I go.
This Friday will be 9 months since Kevin's death. My birthday, and our anniversary are quickly approaching. I will be 42 and this would have been our 16Th anniversary. Time has passed so quickly since Kevin was diagnosed with the tumour. He lived 20 months and it seemed like a blink of an eye. I even have trouble remembering his voice sometimes. I have photos of us all over the condo, and I still sometimes can not remember his face. One thing I will always remember is the way his eyes were an open book to what he was truly feeling. Many times I saw the pain that he tried to hide. The disappointment, and the joy, and mischievousness that was so much apart of him. The way he could look at you over his Reading glasses like a school teacher amazed at the stupidity of your work or question.
I am still trying to do things my own way, but the training I received for 15 years is hard to break. I do know that I am a more patient person now, how much more is the question. Few know of what it was like to take care of Kevin every day. He only wanted me to do most things and did his best to rile me up. Which he did, but not as often as he would have liked. I thought I would not survive his death but the entire thing is still pretty much a blank to me. I remember bits of the viewing and internment service. I do remember everything up to them taking him away the last time. Those are some of my proudest moments in life. I managed to care for him as close to how he wanted as I could do. I have often felt that I did not do a very good job. I am a little easier on myself now. Quite frankly I can not believe I managed to do the things I did.
That is the past and while I can not dismiss it, I have chosen not to revisit it constantly. My future is what I will make of it, not what we made in the past. Kevin is gone and I am finally ready to admit it to myself. This is now my life and I am the only one that has to like it. Watch out cause here I go.
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