Pcing it up

The closing for the condo is in just 3 days! I have gotten a lot packed and am starting to get excited about this new phase of my life. The weekend was difficult, but I made it through. I know that life goes on wither you are ready or not. I also know that I will be better. Tomorrow night starts the weekly grief counseling. I hope this helps some. I am doing better, smiling without even realizing it. Happy thoughts slip past the grief now and again. I am really dealing with the cats going to live with Kevin far better than I thought. I really only miss them when I come home, and that is also when I miss Kevin the most. You always have a moment when you forget they are gone. Kevin would have been 51 last Friday, he was so close.
I am often drawn into thighs of how our lives would have been now if the tumor had not happened, or the treatments worked longer, or if the infections had not happened, but all of this did happen and nothing can be done to change it. On a personal note, I am still looking for the mysterious They who are always being quoted. The next week is going to be very busy to say the least. I will get through it the same as everything else, I have no other choice do I? After I have settled into the new home I will have a party to set the mood for my next phase. Who am I kidding I can hardly stay awake past 11PM anymore. I will probably have some Appeltinies, laced with benifiber. Hey might as well kill 2 birds with 1 stone.

Surviving the Holidays and Kevin's birthday

I made it through Thanksgiving and Kevin's birthday! Being with all of the kids was an incredible help. I woke up Friday morning between 12:30 and 2 AM. I had been dreaming that Kevin was all right and very happy. We were both at Joey, and Becky's, and were happy. I can not recall more of the dream but I am relieved that Kevin is at peace and happy again. I also think it was his way of letting me know that he thinks I am not screwing up too badly. It was almost like when he was in the house so much right after his death. I am given such a peaceful feeling about it all now. I came home and the house seemed so desolate! I thought I saw a little skitter in shadow a couple of times last night. I think Max and Spot are happy again. It reminded me of Max when we first got him in size and action. Well I could just be loosing my mind and in a total state of delusion. That would not be too much of a stretch now would it?
I actually slept pretty good the last 2 nights without any sleep aids. This is a major step for me. I have to take 1. or 2 a week to keep my sleep pattern in check. I really thought that I would have moved on by now, but I am starting to understand that the wounds are far deeper and more severe than I had previously believed. I had no idea how severely loosing Kevin would effect me for the amount of time it has, and continues to. Usually I am quick to recover from any loss or hurt, but this has truly shaken me to the core and I am not sure that I ever will truly recover the happy, go-lucky life that I have always had. I am just not bouncing back from this. It scares me how deeply I have been hurt. Nothing and no one has ever caused me so much pain. I did not think it was possible to be completely crippled by this loss. I was not that kind of person. This has not only knocked me down but at times it feel as if it has put me into a hole and is trying to fill it in with me at the bottom. I am getting some since of forward ascension but very little and with great struggle.
I am hopeing that the move will help me to start getting a better since of balance. I am going to Phoenix in January, Katie always gives me a boost. Then it will be time to start back to school. Hopefully it will keep me busy enough to take my mind off of constantly dwelling on what I have lost, or given up. I have to try, at least, and get some of myself back. So much has been given away over the years that so very little remains for me. I have to give myself permission to be the selfish brat I use to be for a while and put me ahead of everything and everyone else.

Getting Ready for the Holidays and Kevin's BD

I am starting to feel that I will make it through the next few days after all. I was actually able to go through some of Kevin's things to pack for the move, and instead of crying and spiraling into a deeper depression, I found myself smiling before I knew it the memories actually made me happy. I have begun to recall things and feel glad that I had so many years with Kevin. Many do not ever know the happiness that he brought to my life. That is truly sad. When I put it into that perspective things don't seem so bleak. I am amazed how not having the cats is either not set in or is for the best. I know that I was in no position to take care of them properly any longer.
I am going to Jasper for the next couple of days. Spending time with the kids always makes me feel better. I am going to celebrate Kevin's life on Saturday, and I refuse to have any tears from myself. Kevin wanted things to go on after he died and they will. In reality until today I have not been too sure that I could go on without him. But the sneaking smile changed things drastically. Well time for bed have a 5am wake up! At my age I need all the sleep I can get.

A Tough Decision

Max has been having issues with pooping on the furniture and laying down by it lately. It has become daily over the last week. He would do it whenever I came back from being gone. Spot has been getting thinner and thinner over the past year. So today we went to the vet. She expanded that Max was basically in deep depression, Spot was just getting old. They needed more time and care than I could give them to get any better. She actually suggested kitty Prozac for Max twice daily. I knew that I could not do that. We discussed adoption and with Spot's temperament she was not adoptable, and Max while a loving baby, had issues that made him the same. I made the choice to have them euthanized. I am sure that I made the right decision not only for me, but for them as well. Max had become more depressed aver the last few weeks. I was starting to get so angry that I was afraid that I would hurt him. I could never have forgiven myself for that. I hope that Kevin can understand why I had to make the decision I did. I am sure that Max and Spot are with him and Alex wrestling and playing with one another. Well Max and Spot, Alex is probably being his aloof self.
I am barely able to take care of myself right now and keeping them would have been selfish. They were use to being the center of Kevin and my world. We did indulge them. In many ways they were our children. Kevin was the pet lover, far more than I. He knew that they would love him unconditionally, and always need him. I am the same. I will always need Kevin, but have to learn how to get by without him. The strange thing is I don't feel his presence as much as I did in the weeks following his death. I guess he is moving on to whatever is beyond this realm of existence. One can only live a double life for so long. The pull of this world must have become weaker. Kevin wanted to make sure I was doing OK. I am not sure if I am or not, I do know that I will survive no matter what. I am and have always have been a survivor. I have often said once you have faced your own mortality it is amazing what one is capable of. I have done this and realized that life is not always happy, or even worth while. It is the best we make of it. I am going to make mine one that Kevin would be proud of.

A better day

I am feeling better today. I was able to drag my but out of bed on regular time today. I have set a goal of getting at least one box packed every day. We will see how this works out. I am at least not so overwhelmed by it all right now. Yesterday was really bad, I could not do anything but cry and mope around. I forced myself to go out for a while, J'sJs. Had an underwhelming time. Just sat in the corner and watched the people. Interesting mix. When I left it was about 12:30, and I just balled all the way home. I cried until I fell asleep, whenever that was. I guess I just needed to crash and burn for a day. This is not an exact science with set times for things to happen. therein lies the problem, I am so use to scheduling and sticking to it that unpredictability is very upsetting.
I have to get on the bike tonight. Have not been on it in over a week and I can feel it. I just don't really care right now. This disconnect I feel is so strange. I sometimes feel as though I am watching a TV program, or a play. I just don't have any since of belonging anywhere right now. I really want to just be left alone and stay away from everyone and everything. I know this is not something I should do so I make myself at least get out of the house for something everyday. I have no desire to participate in the outside world and really feel so detached form it. I have never experienced anything like this before. I need to get on with this and move forward, but I really don not want to. I want to relive the past over and over again in my mind and let it take me away from the reality of this empty life I have now.
Here I am winning about my life when it could be so much worse, how I do not know but it could be. I really thought I was getting past all of this and then out of nowhere I realized that Kevin's birthday is on the same day he will have been dead for 12 weeks. This has just shattered me. I can not get past it, maybe after the move I can start to deal better. Everywhere I look in the house I see Kevin. Not all of the memories are so good. I am wondering what life would have been if Kevin would have continued with treatment, or if I would have just spoke up and told him how I really felt while he was still making the decision. I told him that whatever decision he made I would support him and I did. Was this his way of going on an being able to use me as the excuse? I will never know and the unknown is what haunts me so.

Plan to get through the hollidays

I have been keeping busy the last few days. Kevin's birthday is approaching and I am not coping with it very well. He is on my mind constantly, I miss him more that ever. Kevin was always in a good mood around his birthday. There was always the family celebration, but this was one thing we always set aside time for us. Never a grandiose gesture, just something like a romantic dinner out, cuddling on the bed and taking a nap together. The funny thing is Christmas day was the same. We did the family things and came home and took a nap together. I really miss putting my head on his chest and talking about everything. Then we would roll over and Kevin would put his arms around me while we napped. It seems like nothing but that was the time we reconnected as just us, nothing outside, just Kevin and I. Those are the most precious moments to me. Kevin would joke and smile he was really relaxed, and comfortable. He was not often like that. Kevin's insecurities were always just below the surface to strike at him. But the times we were just laying there with one another he felt safe, as did I . Having those times are what kept us going. No matter how bad things got or how angry we were at one another. This time would make it alright, It was truly blocking out everything else and focusing on one another. I think that is what kept us together and committed for so many years. The little recharge, reminder of what was important Kevin and I.
I miss that already. Last year during the holidays it was that clear Kevin was getting worse, but we still had our time, actually more that usual. I fear that I will never know what it feels like to be that loved again. I am not exactly the easiest person on the face of the planet. I should be grateful that I had this for 15 years, when so many never have it at all. That should make me feel better but it doesn't. I just feel like I am becoming more and more disconnected with everything. I just don't fit in without Kevin. I just don't feel like I belong anymore. I thought this was passing, but is is actually worse and worse. I am not sure what to do, but I have to make some changes soon. I am just so tired and alone. Some days I wish my body would just give out and let it end. But I wake up every morning disappointed yet again.
Describing the loneliness I feel is difficult. It truly does not matter if others are around or not. I am lonely and alone. Without Kevin I am alone.
Well it is time to get up from the pity party, and start to address the laundry, and packing of the house.

Knocked out by a Cold

I am finally feeling better. I think the cold or whatever I have had is over. Stayed in bed most of the weekend. Starting to get the plan for the move together. I hope to be in within a week of closing. I have been pegged for Jury Duty starting on Dec. 14. I am starting to get really excited about the move. Still waiting for the snafu to occur, it usually does. Things will work out in the end. My little monsters have been attention whores all weekend. Spot is especially bad, she wants to be right beside me all of the time. Max is just as bad. He is acting different, can not explain it but something is up.
Other than being sick the weekend was all right. No extreme melancholy, fewer tears than usual. Sometimes I think that in the back of my mind Kevin is just in the hospital, extended care, or just out of town for some reason. I know that is not the case but sometimes I have to remind myself that he is gone. One would think that after ten weeks it would sink in. I often find myself thinking that I need to call him and see what he wants for dinner. At least I have not picked up the phone yet. I am not letting the grief consume all of my time any longer. I do dread the holidays, especially his birthday. I am going to be at Joey and Becky's Nov. 26, and 27. It will be the first time in so many years that we are not at Keith's or Kevin's parents. Strange as it may seem, I don't think I could set at the table without him next to me right now.
I have started to get some stories about Kevin from those unable to attend his party. I think all of you they have brought smiles. Sometimes it seems strange to hear about Kevin prior to us meeting. I just don't think of my life in those terms. But we did have lives prior to making one together. I am accepting this more and more. I am at peace with our pasts.
If I am to have any kind of life now I am going to have to put our life in the past also. To be treasured not relived. The past is the past and I am in charge of my own destiny now. I want things that I did not with Kevin and am feeling better about pursuing them as of late. Kevin knew me very well and probably knew the direction I would take without him. Well he would have expected me to any how. My life is altered by him forever. I was in many ways a man child when we met. I think that is what attracted him to me the most. He showed me a life that I never thought could exist for me in the place I was then. Growing up has not been easy, but I now know that I have the necessary skills to make it on my own. Kevin taught me this and without it I could not have survived loosing him.
I still am not sure if I will survive it, but I move forward. Not an option to retreat.

Kenny gets ready to move

The contract on the condo went through, with almost no negation. That was a relief. I now have to start to get the house packed and ready to move. This means the dreaded attic!!! I am looking forward to painting and changing out some of the fixtures in the place to make it mine. I have even thought about possibly have the carpet out and wood floors put in. Not sure if I want that kind of expense. But it would be nice to do it before I move if the flooring change does happen.
I have had a cold the past few days, and yesterday I was feeling really bad. I had a fever, and when I got home form running an errand was so wiped that I went to bed and ordered a pizza. I just have no energy. I am feeling better today. I am going to just drop off Brianna's BD present and come home. I little disease factories are not what I need right now. I plan on making up a list of things I need to do before I move and start some packing today.
I am a little torn about leaving our home. I have lived here longer that anywhere else in my entire life. Some of the best times of my life have been here. The single worst also happened with the walls of this home. Kevin's death is not the reason I want to leave her. I am going because of the life we had here. I can not look at any part of the house and not think of him doing something to it. He touched every part of this house in the 13 years we lived here. he loved this house. The memories are haunting, yet familiar. I do feel at peace here. I also dread coming through the door every time I leave. It is a reminder that Kevin is not here to share my day with, or hear about his. Once inside I am fine. I just have to move on and can not do it in this home we built together. I have to start building a life for myself apart form the one we had together. Not an easy task but I have no other choice. Now is a time to start thinking about myself and not others for a change. I have to take charge of my life and become responsible for my own future.
Kevin and I kept fairly on course for 15 years. The occasional side trip is to be expected, he always refused to ask for directions. We always managed to get to the right place somehow. I just have to do it alone now. Full time no one to take up the slack and give me a rest.

Not feeling so hot

I have woke up with a head cold!! Well it could be worse. The Neon is gone, the buyers picked it up last night about 5. A little sad to see it go, but not sad enough that the cash did not negate the sad. I went to Clem's for dinner and the chicken and dumplings hit the spot. I had a nice time eating by myself. The people watching in the restaurant was fabulous. I am going to look at the Colebrook property for the second time today. Teresa, Keith and Doris are also going to see it. With luck an offer can be made this evening. I am not going to get my hopes up too much. If it happens great, if not there is a place for me somewhere better.
Even though I feel icky for the head cold, emotionally I am doing well. Time does seem to help with managing the grief. It does not lessen you just learn to cope with it as part of your life. You put it away as best you can and when it breaks free let it go. I have found that works for me. I am actually getting use to being alone. The house once I am in it does not oppress me as much as before. The truly hard part is when I come from somewhere and have to face our empty home. That is what hurts the most. I do still talk to Kevin not as much. He would not like me to dwell on the past. Kevin was a practical man and would insist that I get control and move forward. Life is a flowing thing and I am really feeling like I am no longer swimming against the tide. This is a good thing because I can barley swim. Another thing that Kevin was better at than me. He always kept an eye on me when we were at the lake. I think he was afraid I would not ask for help if I needed it. He knew me far too well.
Off to get some medication and re up a script. Can not wait to see how this works with the insurance debacle.

Finding my independence

I bought a new laptop on Saturday, and managed to get it started, set up, and transferred the info from the old one all by myself. For those of you who know me you will know this is a major accomplishment. I have never done anything like this alone before. Kevin always just did it, and made it work for me the way I wanted it to. I am trying to do things with the detailed approach that Kevin had. I am not so good at details. Things are starting to come together with the legal and financial portion of Kevin's death. I am wanting to keep him alive somehow but it is not as easy as it sounds. I do not hear him in my mind so much telling we to calm down and read the directions, as I have in the past. This will be the 10Th week since he died and I am starting to feel that life will somehow be OK. I am not going into the what ifs as easily, and am able to fend them off most of the time. I was able to listen to "Jesus Christs Superstar" and not break down. The ending is not meant to be a joyous song and it is the song that played while we held his memorial service.
I am a little hesitant to make the move to leave the home we shared for so long, but I can not stay here. Being at home is not bad at all, it is when I leave and come back. To walk into this house and not have Kevin waiting for me to tell him of my latest adventure is a little death each time I come in the door. It is a reminder that he is gone from my life and will not return. It is a reminder of how alone I am in my life. Being alone is something that I can cope with, it is the emptiness that comes with waking up in our bedroom alone every morning that makes me go to bed a little later each night. The necessity to get away from here is becoming more apparent to me. My life has to change. The only way to change for me is to break with the constant reminders of Kevin. He is always in my heart, and just below the surface of my conscious life, and in my unconscious he is always there somehow.
My ego is not been doing so well either. I have no illusions about myself. I am difficult, demanding, dastardly, and well a spoiled brat. The later was indulged by Kevin in more ways than my parents. Kevin wanted me to have what I wanted, if he could get it he did. I have been so sheltered from the realities of life that I am not sure if my progress is in my mind or for real. Well I have been living in Kenny land for so long, and the weather there has been cloudy and rainy for the past couple of years.

Setteling the Past and Looking to the Future

It has been almost a week, and what a week it has been. I finely managed to get the insurance straightened out. Have found a condo I really like. Bought a new computer, and the trust is fully active. The trust is all Keith and Teresa.
The insurance was fixed withing 24 hours of my last call informing them that the next call was to come from my attorney, and I also gave them her name. I still do not have all of the cards but I have the numbers. I see if Express Scripts is fixed this week as well. I actually handled it very well for me. I had no screaming, cussing, or threatening (not directly) interactions. I just stated the problem, gave them what it would take to fix the problem to my satisfaction, and offered an alternative if they could not accommodate me. I was a wreck! I was so scared that somehow I was no longer going to be covered with Kevin's policy and have to do the full Medicaid again.
Carolyn took me to look at several condos on Wednesday. We went to 2 different developments and looked at 2 in each. All had strong positives, but I narrowed it to 2, 1 in each community. Put together a pros and cons list and then went with my gut. I chose one in Webster Groves, in a rehabbed school building. The only con this one had was a detached garage. The other one I liked was in Kirkwood, across from the Magic House, but the kitchen was tiny, it was a townhouse, abut 30 years old , and the laundry was in the garage in the basement. I kitchen would require taking down a wall, and the lugging of laundry up and down 2 flight of steps ruled this one out. The one in Webster Groves has such character and detail, I fell in love with it from the start.
When I walked into the Webster Groves Condo I felt the same as I did when Kevin and I first looked at our home. I remember telling Kevin that this was the one, just buy it. I think that is one of the reasons that we never moved in almost 14 years. This place has felt like our home from the time we first walked into it. The Webster condo has that same feel for me, and I know Kevin would like it too. Strange that the Wednesday night I had a dream about Kevin and we were in the Webster condo and he was telling me what colors to paint the walls. The really strange thing is that the master is already painted the same color of our master here!! It must be kismet.
I am still trying ti sell the Neon, I just refuse to let someone have it for next to nothing! My Dad had a cancerous growth removed from his head on Wednesday as well. That is turning out just fine. It did leave him with a black eye, and he is telling people Mom hit him. Most respond with what did you do to her. Friday was at Food Outreach from 9 till 1 and I am really enjoying the routine of going somewhere on a regular basis. Once school starts I will settle into a routine and life will be smoother. Saturday I slept late and did not get a lot accomplished. I did manage to get this computer, and take a check to Dan and Amy for some calenders I got from Heidie's school. Today is yard cleaning day. I am actually going to try to clean the gutters. I am not sure how well I will do but at least I will give it a try.
I have been able to remember more and more of my life with Kevin. The bad times are starting to no longer overshadow the good. I can look back and smile, sometimes even laugh! His face is their when I think of him, I no longer have to look at a photo to remember what he looked like. I went to his grave last week, then again on Thursday after the marker was placed. The date of his death was not on it so I had to go to the office and make sure the correction was made. I also went again yesterday, I was at Dan and Amy's, just a mile or so from Valhalla. It is strange that I do find it comforting to see his name so permanently fixed. I have no connection to him there. His cremains are suppose to be buried but those are nothing to do with Kevin. Kevin is with me everywhere I go and in everything I do. He is in my heart and soul. I am hopeful that the marker can give his parents some sense of closure. His name is there for others to see, and when all of us who knew him are gone he will not be forgotten. That is what hurts the most, that all of the little ones will not remember Uncle Kevin, or at least not before the tumor. They will never know the fun, energetic, loving man he really was. That is what was the worst to watch slip away.
The tumor took so much from me. I could have accepted an accident, heart attack or stroke. Those would have been quick and over with. The tumor killed him a little at a time, robbing him of who he was. The worst part of that is he knew it, I had to see him slip away from himself, as well as from me. He told me a couple of times over the past year that this was not a life, this was hell. I wanted him to stay in whatever way he could. Perhaps he would not have went on with the treatments is I had not pushed. I know he regretted taking the Avastin, he told me so. He truly felt that the 6 good months were not worth the 9. He was robed of dyeing with his dignity. I do not know if that can ever be forgiven. I know that he has to be in a much better place and whole again.

Insurance ARGGGGGG

I am still trying to get the insurance fixed! I gave CONEXIS until tomorrow to get it fixed or I am calling the attorney. This is turning into a blame game between the to companies and I am tired of it. I have been industrious, managed to get the house cleaned, and the rugs back down. I went to Schnucks after getting my hair do done. Unlike my normal after going to get groceries I fixed dinner. I am so tired tonight. Can barley hold my eyes open.
Going to look at some condos tomorrow, after Dad's doctor visit. Hope to find something that is just what I want. Like that will ever happen. I am realistic about things at least. Have to make a list of must haves and would like vs. can not abide, could learn to live with. I have been so busy that Kevin has not been on the forefront of my thoughts. This has not been a bad thing at all. I am finding that being alone is not so bad all of the time. I always have the ability to call anyone and share. I am not really that kind. I would just as soon write it out in my journal or on some electronic medium. This way I can be more controlled and not terrify people, so much. HAHA.
Really I am doing better and it has not been so terrible dealing with the insurance stuff. I have not went into a cussing fit, refused to listen to the other side, or hung up. Kevin would be amazed at how well I am doing with the pratfalls of life so far. When I do get ready to have an historical crying jag I do it after I hang up. Nothing has been broken or thrown or cats beaten at all. This is a major step for me. I normally do that with or without Kevin. That was always his cue to step in and take over the situation that was too much for me. Well I don't have Kevin anymore so I have to just deal with it and move on.
I am starting to get the arrangements for Kevin's BD party together. It will be the day after his actual birthday, at our home. I want to compile some stories about Kevin to keep and pass on to the little ones who will never truly know him. This is making me very sad so new subject.
I hope that his grave marker is in place on Thursday. With all of the rain they have been unable to place it. I did drive over to the grave site last week and found where it will be. I am not sure if the cremains have been placed yet. At least he will rest next to his Grandma Hoffmann. That is the only reason he wanted to be buried at all. Well that and the fact that I might get mad and put him in the litter box. HAHA.
Kenny

All Hollows Eve

The trip to Jasper was really good. The kids were a lot of fun. Jackson is getting tall. Zack is becoming more of a teenage boy, Abby went to a sleep over, and Izzy, well she is Izzy, Kaden is skinny and running not walking everywhere, he looks like a drunk Elmo in his red sweats, and Savanna and Ashley are teenage girls. The house was full of people when we arrived. I had a fun time with the staggering Elmo baby. Mom and Teresa played with the kids who were not preoccupied with other kids. We all got to bed about 11:30. It was so strange to not have the cats in bed with me. I had a dream about Kevin, and something he was doing to our house. I can not remember what it was exactly, but he was his old self working on a project too complicated for me.
We left from Carthage, went to Wal-mart to get some stuff for the kids. Joey went in his car and we left from there. This avoided the dreaded Jackson crying and balling scene, by mom and Teresa. The drive home was really good, the Sonata got over 29MPG. Drooped Teresa and Mom off and went home to get ready for the Halloween Party. I fed the cats, left, and arrived at 6. the party was fun. I was the only person not it costume. To be exact I was the only single person, and the only man!! I guess that I was the Token for the evening. Got to mingle and eat, talked with Carolyn about starting the condo hunt. She is going to end me some listings today, or tomorrow.
Left about 9:45, came home and collapsed. I did remember to set most of the clocks back an hour. I woke up at 3 am missing Kevin desperately, turned on the i-pod and just balled or about an hour. Had some restless sleep until I got up and fed the cats at 5. Wrote in my journal and now I am doing this. Going to be a busy week. The furnace man is coming tomorrow. Dad has his skin cancer thing removed on Wednesday. Thursday, I am watching Amy's kids while Doris goes to the Dr. I hope to have the list narrowed down to about 3 in the condo search by next weekend. I really want to get moving and make a fresh start somewhere. I love the house, because it was ours. Kevin is everywhere here. He is in every nook and cranny. I will never feel at home anywhere again. Kevin was and is my home. The walls and windows don't make a home love does. Even when we were at our worst to each other he was always my home. I always knew that I could charge headlong into tempest and Kevin would shield and protect me if I ever needed it, that is home. I don't have that protection anymore. I have to be a lot more careful about the windmills I charge at. I no longer have my armor protecting me from any real danger or harm. I am in this fight alone now, and am not really looking forward to it. But I must live, like it or not right now. I have never been one to shy away, but now I am feeling a little shy of everything. Strange how fear can seep into your life when you least expect it