Has Spring sprung ?

Beautiful day, between rain showers. Rain caused AC repair to be postponed until Monday. I am going to dinner tonight, wonder if it will be something different? Probably not. Still searching for the elusive chairs that match the kitchen table, but I will not be thwarted. I am so close to graduating that I can actually see the finish line and it is a little scary. What will the next step be? I have thought about going on and getting a psychology degree, but do I really have that in me? Oh well I will think about it later too much to get done this weekend and too little time to do it in.

A Tasteful Afair

Yesterday was ATA and I had a good time, managed to get my first oral auction item. It appears I won a 7000 sp foot cabin in Des Moins IA for 5 days. Up to 25 people can fit. I did find that during the set up I kept looking for Kevin to be there with a bid book and double checking that everything was on his list, and in the computer. The man who took over the bid board is far more relaxed than Kevin. I was a lot sad when I went home to change for the actual event. I almost did not go back. Then after the event was over I went to Clems for dinner, after eating all afternoon, and it was packed. I had one of those moments when I was in a crowd of probably 70 people and was completely alone. This has not happened for a long time. I am surprised that this event caused so much emotional upset for me.
I will be graduating next fall, with an associates anyway. Hopefully will go on to a 4 year and get a bachelors in psychology. All of the people in the world and a nut job like me wnats to go into this field. I do actually have a desire for this, if to help myself more than others. World don't worry I am not going to be practicing in any medical field. Then again I could just build myself a man and then infuse him with the energy of the universe, oh wait that was Rocky Horror. Well life is back to the normal, or as the counseling information says, the new normal.

A lot in a little

A lot of things have happened in the last few weeks. My uncle was diagnosed with bone cancer and passed 8 days later. This has brought up a lot of unwanted memories and feelings. Things that I thought were not able to hut me now came back with a vengeance. To exasperate the situation personal relationships with the family have started to come to a boiling point and attitudes that are unacceptable can no longer be tolerated. Death brings out the best or worse in people that is a fact that can not be argued with.
The worse seems to prevail in those who should be the best at such times but life is full of disappointments and those who you expect the most of often let you down the worse. This leaves lasting wounds that will never heal and causes you to act in ways that are cause for regret. The final factor is respect, if you can not respect someone you can not love them, love and respect are mutual to me and can not exist without one another. I have lost all respect for someone who I once had a great deal for. This is gone and while I can tolerate and allow contact the relationship is permanently damaged and will forever be over in all aspects except those of common contact. I can and will go on and feel that this was a long time in coming. I can not allow the tyranny over those that I care for by anyone, no matter what the excuses or claims of not remembering what was said and done. I may soften in this matter but I doubt it, some lines, once crossed, are forever broken and can never be repaired.
Life is moving forward and Kevin has now been gone for over 7 months. I feel his loss as acute as ever as I write this and do not truly expect to get back to where I was just a few days ago for some time. The wounds once reopened take longer to heal, if they ever do. Scars are thick and painful once reopened. I will be better some day just not this one, I will get a life that is hopeful, just not today, I will get a world with happiness, just not today, but someday it will be and then I can look back and say I survived and am stronger than before.
Dave has told me that I should write a book about my life taking care of Kevina and this continuing struggle to resume life. I am for the first time thinking maybe I will. I doubt it would be published, but it would be a way to lay down a record of what happens when someone you love dies and how it never leaves you again no matter what and how the littlest things can rip at you at any time to thrust you back into the hell you thought was behind you at any time.