Rconciling to life

I have had one of the best days that I have had in a very long time. My insecurities have been greatly lessened. A friend of Kevin's who visited him in the extended care facility let me know that I was the love of Kevin's life. Kevin actually told him this! I wish he could have told me directly, but that was not Kevin's way. He never let a day go by without telling me he loved me. I guess that we both took for granted that the other knew how we felt. Remembering my past has not been easy and yet I can see that Kevin was better at showing how much he loved me than actually saying the words. I wonder if Kevin was trying to make his passing easier on me by making me angry at him. 'Cause let's face it I draw strength from my anger. It allowed me to keep going no matter what. That just shows how well Kevin really knew me. He was always trying to protect me, untill the end. He handled his life and it's end with strength and grace. He very rarely broke down in front of me. He tried to protect me from the inevitable. That in itself is the ultimate expression of love.

Strange Evening

Last night I did the bike !! after started to go through some of the books. I found Kevin's 20th class reunion brochure, and the photo from the 25th. This brought back a lot of good memories. I also managed to find the infamous Tim Godfrey, and actually called him. I did at least get some answers to my questions. I feel so much better. I now know that Kevin was honest with me about everything that happened. I feel like a weight has been taken off of my chest. I have some questions that will never have answers, but they are trivial. The questions, ad doubts are apparently normal. I spoke with Shelly and she reassured me that I did not fail Kevin. I have to get these demons out and maybe I never will be able to completely come to terms with Kevin's death. This new phase of waking up and sobbing is just the way one wants to start the day. Nothing like guilt and misery to start the day!! At least I have been productive started on the basement last night. I vacuumed and put the twin size bedding away. Small steps but noticeable and this makes me feel better. Well I have to get ready for the day.
Kenny

The Weekend

I have had a busy weekend. Friday evening I went to the neighborhood happy hour. I did have a good time. I felt a little our of place, it was strange to be there without Kevin. When I got home the realization that he was not there to share the events of the evening with, or the event itself hit me hard. I had a pretty rough go for a little while, but I was able to calm down and go to sleep.
Saturday was really busy! I was up at 5 to get ready for the yard sale. Did OK rain started at noon and pretty much ended that. I had found some video tapes in the TV cabinet and did not remember what was on them. I went to Dave's, because I do not have a VCR anymore, to see if any thing was worth keeping. Just taped TV, and some movies Kevin loved. Then the video of his parents fiftieth anniversary party. I watched the entire thing. Kevin was so handsome in his dark suit and Windsor knot.
I remembered some things about the day and then headed to the Food Outreach event on Locust. I was not as awkward there. I really had a good time, was feeling up to some more mingling so I st oped by JJ's for a drink. About half way through my drink I began to feel the abysmal pull of loneliness. So I went home and had a complete breakdown until 1 AM. I was feeling as if I had failed Kevin in the last few weeks of his life. I could not believe that I went along with non treatment of the infection. I felt as if I had not spent enough time with him, during the last 2 weeks. I should have stayed with him more. Even if he was unconscious I still should have been there every time he opened his eyes. I also should have been more car ring and not so angry at him. I truly feel as if I completely failed him. This makes me wonder if he was angry, scared, and felt alone because of me. I will never be able to have him answer these questions. I really thought I was getting better, but now I am further down than any other point in my life.

One More Step

I am going to the Happy Hour tonight, even though I am afraid of how I will cope going it alone. I have never been to this without Kevin. Now that I think about it other than things for the family or Food Outreach, I have been with Kevin for all of the major social events of the past 15 years. I am far more outgoing than he was but Kevin was always my safety net. He would let me know if my inability to filter my thoughts was getting out of control.
Today is three weeks since Kevin's death. I still feel like he walked out on me. I relay thought I was getting better. Last might and today have been one tearful experience after another. I was clearing some stuff out of the attic for the Yard sale tomorrow and realized that most of it was left over from the last one two years ago. I wondered what had happened to all the stuff I did not want brought back into the house. Kevin has it neatly boxed with the prices still on them. That is so Kevin.
I am beginning to wonder if this really does ever get better, or you just learn to control it. I find myself wondering what life would have been like if Kevin and I never met. I was reminded of the Garth Brooks song "The Dance". All of the pain was worth the years we had together. Yet is still seems strange to be forty one and death to have taken my fifty year old mate. Kathy Spencer asked me once, after the sudden death of a coworkers partner, which was better. The abrupt end to a young life that was unexpected, or the ability to preppier as Kevin and I had. I think the quick way is best. I had nearly two years to think about what I would do. Nothing is as I thought it would be. Kevin and I did everything we were told to do in order to prepped for the aftermath of his death. We still fell short. I feel that everyone should be prepared at any time to loose his or her partner.
The best way to let someone know that you cared for them is to make sure that the burdens ofter your death are as few as possible.

Attorney

Yesterday Keith, Teresa and I went to the attorney. It took 3 hours and I was luckily excluded from it. I am dealing with the ramifications of Kevin's death with the car insurance, almost canceled, and cell's had to be switched into my name to keep them going. Dealing with all of this had me missing Kevin very badly. These were the things he took care of. I am far from incompetent but it has been 15 years of Kevin insulating me from these things. I thought all was OK until I called Kevin's cell and his answering message was gone!! I am going to contact them again today and attempt to get it retrieved.
Last night I actually got onto the bike. I also was looking through the TV cabinet downstairs and found 3 photo albums that had the photos I was looking for. That was a relief. I was worrying that Kevin had disposed of them accidentally. Most are from our first years together and brought back a lot of wonderful memories. I even was able to get the turntable working and frond the Art Garfunkel album. Had a nice time remembering what was so faded in my memory. Now it is back to reality and I have things to get done in order to just keep an semblance of a life. I am going to throw myself into the house and get it ready for the yard sale.
The big test will be Friday night at the Happy Hour. I don't know if I can handle all the sympathy that is going to be coming my way. I will be entering the post Kevin social world. How strange to think of myself as single. I am at least correcting myself when I say we, our, us, and the like. I think this is a healthy way to remind myself in the middle of a conversation that I am myself, not part of a unit any longer. The thought of being alone in the social setting of this couple orientated world is daunting. I am now the fifth wheel in the group. I am feeling truly alone right now and it really is not as bad as it seems. I don't have to worry about anything but me, and what I want and need. This is very strange. The majority of my adult life was spent as Kevin and I. Now I have to be the adult. Even when Kevin was sick he still tuck care of the things that went into being fiscally responsible. Let's face it I am good at spending money not making it! I have to rethink everything with the consequences to myself. Where I use to think "Will Kevin kill me, yell, just roll his eyes, or just say "yes that's nice.".
This adult thing is not going to be easy.

Back to the World

I am feeling so much better. This week is going to be busy. Tomorrow Keith, Teresa, and I are going to see the attorney to activate the trust. I hope that everything needed is here. Kevin would not have left anything so hidden as to impede the progress. I try to look through some pictures each night before bed. The photos are very helpful in remembering our life. The amazing thing is I have no sadness when looking at them. The first few times I did this the tears flooded me. Now I just have happy memories. The interesting thing is Kevin never wanted a child and I did. The last few years before he got sick he seemed to waver on this a bit. We realized we were too set in our ways, and it would not be fair to bring a child into my health situation. I am so grateful we never did. I could not imagine having to care for another person at this time. The reality is that just getting through the last 2 years has overwhelmed me. I could not fathom having to provide for a child's emotional needs and Kevin at the same time. Kevin was once again correct. The last thing I really ever needed was a child. Now at this stage of my life the concentration is on myself. This is the first time in many years that I am just having to suffer the consequences of my actions alone, as well as have no one to share my triumphs with. The big ones are easy, it is the small successes that will be mine alone. I managed to get the house straightened today. Kevin would have told me how nice it looks. He would hve said this if it did or not.
Kevin offered me encouragement to return to school. I believed that it as too expensive and I was too old. He was my go to guy for edumicational aid. I am not sure how I can get through the remained of my classes wih out him to encourage me, or to check my writing assignments, math, etc. I think he was more proud of my 4.0 the last semester I was in school as I was. Kevin was able to let me go full time knowing that the tuumor was getting worse. School occupied so much of my time that I missed the little signs. I thought Kevin would live well past me, no matter how many times I told him the condo was waiting for me. I just never realized that he would actually die. A few days before he died it hit me that he was going to die this time. When I told him this, and asked if he wanted to start treatment again, he told me it was alright. He was comforting me, while the infection was raging in him. He rolled over on his right side, put his good arm around me and kissed my head telling me that everything was going to be fine in the end. That was the last time I cried before he died. Strange that I was so comforted by him accepting his death.

A weekend away

I went to Jasper this last weekend to visit with Joey and his brood. Teresa, Mom, and Charlie went also. We all went in Charlie's truck. On the way down it started to rain and I jumped into the bed, after Charlie pulled off the road, and lost my cel somewhere along I-44. I did not realize this untill we arrived at Joey's. I did manage to get a new phone in the middle of east, by sowestwest Jesus. I still do not have all of my numbers in it>
I am going to enter all of the information from Kevin's phone and the palm. I did manage to get the Death Certificates today. Teresa, Keith and I are going to Arline on Wednesday to git the legal ball rolling. Hopefully in a couple of months this will all be straightened out. I am still remembering at least one good time Kevin and I spent together. I am finding great happiness in the memories of Kevin singing to me when we were first dating. He searched for an Art Garfunkel version of "I only have eyes for you". Kevin would sing it to me before we went to bed at night. He did this several times. I once asked him why he st oped and he surprised me by doing it every once in a while after that. I did not hear him sing for the last couple of years. Except for the occasional show tune outburst with dramatic drag movements. This always made me laugh. I am amazed at the number of people who did not know Kevin as a man full of mirth. I am letting go of the doubts I have had. I know that I was just looking for reasons not to mourn him.
I spent a lot of time with Kaden this weekend. Kaden is the one year old of one of Joey and Becky's foster daughters. He had always refused to have anything to do with me before. I guess the snow cone helped. I found myself getting cough up in his wonder of everything. He giggled when I pushed him on the swing, and he loved to bounce and dance. I even held him while we were all having dinner. I guess that I saw a little of Kevin's wonder at the world in his eyes. Kevin did find wonder in many things. He especially loved to take photos. Kevin would take a picture of a tree and find it amazing. I have a photo of a rainbow somewhere in Illinois. He pulled over and took the picture. This was long before we met. I would have wondered what was wrong when he pulled over. I guess that Kevin did have the eyes of a child in many ways. He saw the good in others, even when they could not see it in themselves. Well I need to get something to eat.
Kenny

Dealing with the past

I went through our photos yesterday,and rereading my journals brought back a lot of the good memories. It was painful to know that my past will be mine, not ours. Kevin was always good at knowing how to make me feel like I was special. Even when he really pissed me off. I was dwelling on the bad times. Now I am thinking of one good time each day. Strange as it may sound I talk to Kevin about them. I know that he is not going to answer, yet I feel he is with me when I rember something like the day we went to Forest Park and rented a cannoe. I got cold and Kevin went to the car and got his jacket, I had forgot mine, for me. He was worried that I would get a cold. So many of the little things like this are what I want to rember. The little things are what showed me Kevin cared. He was not a grand juster type of man. He use to send me a carde in the male every once in a while just to offer a little suprise. A man who would do this propably was not harboring a secret desire to be with someone else. Even if he did, so what.
I have the memories of fifteen years of a life together. Not all good, but not really that many bad either. I believe if the scales were compaired the good far out weighed the bad. The majority were the nothing special, but is that not the way of things. I decided when Kevin and I got together that I was willing to accept that he was not a man of extreme passionate jesters. I knew he was about as middle o the road as it gets. Maybe this is why we worked, because I certianly am as far from middle of the road as it gets. His conservatism coupled with my liberalism and struck a good ballance. I constantly tried to get hiim to take stands, while he constantly tried to make me understand that the world is not in black in white but in colour. My ability to not relent conplimented his willingness to seek a compromise, or shal we say a less confromtational way to resolve things.
I hope the lessons he tought me stick. A fourty one year old man can only resist the world so long on his own.

Doctor Visit

I went to the Dr. today. Dave took me, then we went to Bandannas for dinner. I feel better after talking with Russ about my concerns about Kevin. He probably knew Kevin the best of all his Friends for the last 37 years. He assured me my fears were groundless and this helped a great deal.
I am to go to Jasper to see Joey and his brood this weekend, along with Teresa, Mom, and Charlie. The idea of getting away is great. It is the actually doing it that bothers me. I have not left the house for an overnight since June, and that was just downtown. I feel that when I am out I need to be here, and when I am here I want to be anyplace else.
I fond myself wanting to remember the past more and more. I actually read my old journal today. I was amazed at the issues I had at the beginning of our relationship are the same ones sufficing now. Maybe I never really worked them out. I really do not have any doubts the Kevin loved me completely and was never so unhappy as to regret being with me. I still am not sure if I was the one he truly wanted to be with after all a fantasy is far better than reality could ever be. I am recalling more of the good times we experienced together over the past fifteen years. Our first trip together to Carlyle Lake,or when we went to see the AIDS quilt for the last full dispaly in D.C. Many things have faded over time and I am left with memories that I do not always trust, and some that I wish were not real at all. The past twenty months were not all bad, actually we were probably closer than we had been in years. It is so strange how the reversal of roles was so difficult. I guess that we become so comfortable in our lives that such a drastic change is equivalent to a violent assault.
I am once again drawn to the wisdom that I am stronger in the total because of the trials that I have endured over the past fifteen years, as well as the joy, and love that Kevin always tried to show me.

Lonley Nights

Last night I looked through our photo albums, and two boxes of photos. I have the answer to many of my questions. I could see the happiness on Kevin's face. the way he always had his arm around me or to the small of my back. he also usually leaned into me. This more than anything else has reassured me that I was the first choice and nothing in any journal he kept offers contradictory information. The many questions I have about why he did the thins he did will never have answers. I was able to really let out some of the grief last night. I am feeling a little empty and spent today. Life can and does go on. Kevin wanted to take care of me, and yet the reversal of things left him feeling helpless to take care of me. But he did in the only way he could after his death. He made sure that finicalley I am secure and will be able to lead the same life alone that we shared together. I feel him around me a little more. The anger that had built up kept the since of him away. This is something I did when he was alive and we would get into a fight. I hope he knows that I loved him with all of my being. I feel it is OK to just weep when I feel it rather than push it away. I changed the name on the blog to me. I am the one it belongs to now. i am no longer just supplementing for Kevin, I am now the blogger. i have added a photo I found last evening that suits Kevin the best. It was taken within one to two years after we bought the house. This is how I remember him coming home and napping until dinner was read. in his suit, and yes those are suspenders, with Alex on his lap. I will be adding others later on. I may even add some of myself. Well I have to get some real world thing accomplished.
Kenny

Grief with a vengance

I have delineated the post I put up past night I was hurting and wanted to hurt anyone I could. Kevin's secrets were his to keep. For whatever reason he kept hold of the past. I have to believe that what happened with us had nothing to to with the photos and journal entries I have discovered. the journals will be destroyed. As for the photos of Tim and a few other previous boyfriends, even though they were not grafic in any way have been torn up and burned. I was at least able to let go of some emotions and mourn the real loss of Kevin. I have to mourn two losses though. the first is the loss of my partner and soul mate, the second the loss of any explanation as to why he kept the things he did. Why he felt the need to hide them. Why he wanted them to be kept after his death? Did he know that I would discover them? Was this possibly an action on his part to make me angry and doubtful of him in order to move on? I will never know. I realize that I simply must come to terms with it on my own and let it go. I have to find a way of letting go of the anger and keeping the love, and memories. I kept a journal from the time Kevin became diagnosed with the tumor. Maybe one day I will have to share my life with someone else. If that were to happen could I be expected to wipe away all remnant's of the life I had with Kevin. The journal I kept, and am still keeping has the memories of events that can easily become cloudy with time. Most of all I look at it and realize what a wonderful life Kevin and I had together. I am still expecting him to call and complain that I need to be with him in the hospital, or extended care facility.
Today the new bed arrives and maybe this will help me feel a sense of my life not our life together. The reminders are tearing me apart inside, but my hair looks great, HAHA! I need a little comedy now and them to keep from just letting everything overwhelm me. I have always thought of myself as a strong person, I have pushed throuth being close to death myself, and I have watched a part of me die in our home. Now I have to make it my home for Kevin has left the building but traces of him remain to haunt me.
Kenny

Another Day

I have decided to keep moving forward. I have taken to calling Kevin's cel to hear his voice on the message. I find this strangely comforting. I have begun t do it at bedtime and it helps me to get to sleep. I kind of feel he is telling me "goodnight". the new bed arrives tomorrow, and am I ever happy. The cats refuse to let me have the lower foot of the bed. Who ever thought that I would be ruled by two little cats. Their tyranny has to end. Max is having a poop issue at the kitchen door. I hope it is just another cat has sprayed the door, on the outside. I have dealt with all the poop issues that I intend to for a lifetime. Well have to get a move on, have a lot to do today. Where does the time go?
Kenny

Kevin's final farwell

Yesterday was the memorial service for Kevin at Valhalla. Steve Katz was surprbe with his rendetion of "Life and Death and Beer". He captured Kevin perfectly. I was amazed that so many people came. The place was standing room only, and hot. The facility nor I was prepaired for the amount of people there.
The service was just as Kevin wanted it. At the end I read a poem "Stop all the clocks" by W. H. Auden. It is the one from "Four Weddings and a Funeral". I have sarted to getting over the anger and the grief is starting to come. I am not as depressed as I thought I would be. I do have to get my blood sugar down, along with my weight.
This has been a trying time that I realy did not think I would survive. I have and feel much stronger for it. Kevin was able to leave me with one more gift. The knwlage that I can do what ever I have to do in order to cope with painful situations and stress. I have come out of this with a clarity that never existed for me before. I am ready to live my life alone. I know that I am a capable person, with the ability to take care of my own emothinal needs and not depend on someone else for my feeling of being whole.
Kevin is the great love of my life, and I do not want or need another person so incorporated with me. I could never find someone who could know me so well and give me such love and carring. I will go on and be happy again but I know that I can do it alone, if I have to.
Kenny

Kevin's final car ride

Yesterday I was able to retrieve Kevin's cremains from Kutis. I put him in the back seat and drove him to Valhalla. I realized this was my chance to let him know how angry I still am at him. He was forced to sit in the floor, no seat belt, I drove in the bumpy lane, and did not use the cruse. To those of you who know my driving this ment constantly adjusting the speed. Kevin hated all of these things. I told him I was doing it as I did. I know he was carsick by the time we arrived. I do feel better. No I am not insane, at least I don't think so. I am starting to loose my anger and that will not be good when it happens, I will become an hysterical crying mess. Although I will only do it alone. One must keep up a veneer of control.

The legal wranglings have begun. I am so grateful that Keith, and Teresa have to deal with this stuff. Kevin always dealt with this sort of thing. I know where all of the information is, just not how to present it. Well that is what we have professionals for. I still miss him every minute of the day. Sometimes a little thing will make me want to tell him what happened and then I am sloped with the reality that he is not in the hospital or extended care facility, but gone from me for ever. This hits like a sharp knife. At times I am not sure what to do but them I check my list and it is all OK.
Kenny

Kevin's Memoral

Friday September 11, 2009 Kevin P. Russell will be memorialized at Valhalla Funeral Home in Belleville Il. The address in 3412 Frank Scott Parkway 62223 the phone is 6182333110. The service will begi at 11 AM.should end by noon. Kevin wanted to be remembered by those who knew him best. Expect to laugh more than cry. Remember him how he wss before the tumor and infection.
Kenny

First night

I sent Dave home yesterday. I visited with Karin, Ed, and Katie before they went home. I went to my parents to see them before they left for the country. It seems like for ever since i have been to their house I know it has been at least 3 months. My first night alone in the house was not as difficult as I thought. Strange that I have no feel of Kevin in the house. I thought I would hove him around for a little while. I was able to get a lot done. I have to organize and compartmentalize the house, just like my life. Well maybe Kevin is influencing me.

I have created a emanate memorial book through the Post Dispatch obituary. It is on the Legacy memory book site. Hopefully the memorial can happen by Saturday. I want this so his parents can have some closure. They need to know he is at rest with the family, in the family plot. Well on to the business of insurance, legal notices and all that other stuff that Kevin would have taken care of. Keith and Teresa have it to do now. I think I have all of the information they need.

The Day After

Kevin is no longer in the house. He as been gone for 2 nights now and the feeling of loneliness is permeating my soul. I am going to sleep in my room for the first time since he left. I will go forward because no other choice is offered. His viewing was pleasant. So many people that he touched. I know that he will be remembered for a very long time. The funeral director let me know that they are trying to get him cremated on Tuesday. If this happens his memorial will be next Saturday or possibly sooner.
Now I have begun to pack up his things, and have to decide what to do with them. Cloths to the donation bin, personal belongings to treasured must be dispersed to those he chose. Memories that are painful can not leave, someday I can think about our life without anger, and pain, Not now. I will deal with everything in time. Time is something I have an abundance of now. No more is my time needed t help him out of bed,to a chair, cook his meas, dress his wounds, baith , even in other personal hygiene needs.
Time is now my punishment no longer my friend.
Kenny

Kenny has to start over alone

When I woke up 30 minutes ago, on the sofa with a little fog from the sleeping pill I needed last night, my first thought was time to get Kevin's breakfast . Kevin has to have a little food before he can take his meds. Just as I reached for my glasses I remembered that Kevin is gone. For a moment my heart st oped and fear came over me. What am I going to do with the rest of my life? I was prepared to let him go, but I feel as if he was riped out of me. He was so helpless the last few weeks, this killed him inside faster that the infection that took his life. I remember JoAnne for Dr. Linnet ts office telling us she thought of the tumor as the great big monster. I better understand now what she meant. First you are in fear of the unknown, then for your life, treatments that could do more harm than good, a sense of hope from the devastation, then other monsters are allowed to attack. Thew monsters are sneaky and hide anywhere. They have to be cut out and doused with chemicals that may or may not work. The monster is destroyed and you start to rebuild . We all know these stories has sequels, so round 2 begins with early detection. The monster is smaller and more easily destroyed. The third time is no charm, the franchise is over and the hero is overcum by the monster, because of all the damage that allowed it to be there in the first.
The hero puts up a struggle unlike anything humanity has ever seen, and yet the monster wins. The hero is forced to surrender and led away for a slow death.

This is the premise of many stories of fiction. But is the truth of the story of Kevin Russell. The monster slowly tuck all from him that made him Kevin. Being forced to watch this happen daily leaves one full of rage at everyone and everything around that reminds me of him. I feel abandoned by promises that were never kept.
I feel violated and most of all empty part of me was not given like a transplanted organ. That part was gouged and riped away like an overwhelming attack who promises release but too late you realize the price is worse that the captivity could ever be. How can one live bisected, ripped in half no anaesthetic just pain and emptiness.
Kenny


/

Kevin Grand Exit

KEVIN WILL BE LYING IN STATE AT Kutis Funeral Home on Saturday September 5, 2009, located at 2600 Gravois i St. Louis from 1pm until 8pm for the general public. He leaves behind countless fans. I being the greatest of them all.
Kevin and I were blissed with over 15 years of loving, living, fighting, and merging ourselves in a family that included both relatives, and close friends. Together we forged a life that grew, and produce countless memories. These I have to treasure and hold in my heart. We spent our time together exploring our back yard, as well as other places far more exotic. Kevin will forever be laughing with his blue eyes shining with a hint of mirth that most would never expect of a straight laced accountant.
Kevin took great pride in his appearance. Many were puzzled by his refusal to see them in his last few days. He did not want anyone to see him in less than polished appearance. He could not converse very long and was so exhausted by just changing position in bed.
I was given the supreme gift of watching him leave this world. I find comfort in knowing that he is no longer in pain, not just the physical, the pain due to his loss of self sufficency. I was his caregiver, friend, partner, but most of all I shared a love that is not bound by physical, or space. I can go on knowing that I will carry with me his love, and the memories we made together.
Kenny

Kevin passed early this morning around 3:15am. Myself, Dave, Doris, and Amy were here with him. Once arrangements are made, I will post them. Please keep an eye out for an update.

Kevin update

Kevin had a good day yesterday. Mike came by and visited for quite a while, Keith brought the folks over for a short one. Mr. Russell was very tired. During the night Kevin became very needy. Dave got up with him several times. At 5 I got up and realized that he wants me in the room with him. Just in the House is not enough. I have also come to terms with the fact that he is not just in and out of conciseness, he is also in and out of reality. He told me that he is dreaming and some are memories. When he wakes he is confused where or when he is. This usually is just a few moments long. He is also calling out in his sleep. I am afraid that he will loose his hold on reality before he is unable to wake. Kevin is a proud man and he would be horrified at the stated he is in if he could completely comprehend it. I also wrote a draft of his eulogy last night. I was unable to read it aloud. Keith will do the final edit and it will be ready for the announcement.
Kenny

Monday Minefield

After almost no sleep Sunday night, Monday was a war. Kevin was accusing me of changing his morphine doe arbitrary. I reminded him that he was the one who constantly changes the amount, and that he could stop the control games or go to the hospital. He has been at me for the last few days constantly. I hit the boiling point and he knew I meant it. My mom and sister were here for this wonderful display. I went outside and Teresa went in to Kevin. I know that I should not get so angry, yet he know exactly what to do to infuriate me. Anyway he has started taking the morphine correctly, and slept through the night!!! Dave and I actually got more than 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep!!! Only those of you with new babies know what I am talking about. Kevin is septic. The illness is progressing, I do not see him lasting through the weekend.
Kenny