The house finally closed last Monday. It is done now and I feel a great relief. One thing done by the deadline I set for it. Life is still pulling me along. School is at least stimulating, if not tiring. I think of this time last year and wonder how I survived it and then how have I managed to survive without Kevin? For so long I just pushed it all down and ignored it. Taking one day at a time. I have repressed so much of the first couple months after his death that are now coming back.
They arrive like a slap in the face, from a cold hand. How close I was to letting life slip away then, and am truly not much better now. I put on the face of perseverance every day before I head out the door and somehow manage to hold it together until I get back home. This is getting harder and harder to do lately. I had become so adept at doing it I was fooling myself as well as everyone else. Well there is no fool like a foolish one. I am beginning to realize that this healing process is never going to be done, I will never recover and have a life like I did before, that life is a dead as Kevin. I have no true zest for life any longer, I feel most of the time that I am best alone and manage to achieve this. The outside world has no concept of what my life is truly like. If it did they would be horrified at what torment and pain I am constantly in. The anger is surging withing me and I can feel it seething with me.
The anger gives me nothing but frustration, it use to give me energy and will. That is all gone and all that is left is this rage that has no focus to lash out at. Time is once again my enemy.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Disapointments run amuck
I am not sure why I even keep this up. No one views it. I guess it is for my own release. The sale of the house is turning into such a cluster, last minute things pop up and I am tired of it all. The whole existence thing is starting to wear heavily on me. I am starting school in a few days and have no enthusiasm for it left. I look at is as one more thing that I must forge through. Why I must eludes me. I am feeling the weight of Kevin's death like a led ball on my back. Every time I feel as if some progress is taking place something pushes me even farther back. I am close to stopping all of my meds and just letting things run the course. I don't really know if they are helping anyway.
Just getting out of bed, is once again almost unbearable. I feel the need to just sleep and let the world go without me. I am tired all the time and do not really what to interact with anyone or anything. I just want to close myself off and lie in a darkened room.
the first anniversary of Kevin's death is just around the corner and I have not succeeded at a single goal I set for myself. I feel as if my life is stagnate. I am giving up on meeting other people, I am not happy and no one wants to be around sad people in the public setting. I have kept up a facade for the past year and it is wearing thin. the reality of how joyless life is has begun to consume me. I think I just will let it do so. I have no fight left in me and my weakness disgusts me. I have always thought of myself as a strong person but this has broken me. I have nothing left and the stores are all closed. Unless things change in some drastic way this will probably be my last post.
Just getting out of bed, is once again almost unbearable. I feel the need to just sleep and let the world go without me. I am tired all the time and do not really what to interact with anyone or anything. I just want to close myself off and lie in a darkened room.
the first anniversary of Kevin's death is just around the corner and I have not succeeded at a single goal I set for myself. I feel as if my life is stagnate. I am giving up on meeting other people, I am not happy and no one wants to be around sad people in the public setting. I have kept up a facade for the past year and it is wearing thin. the reality of how joyless life is has begun to consume me. I think I just will let it do so. I have no fight left in me and my weakness disgusts me. I have always thought of myself as a strong person but this has broken me. I have nothing left and the stores are all closed. Unless things change in some drastic way this will probably be my last post.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Delor Sold
The house on Delor has sold, the closing is August 19. It has been a long time coming. The release from having to maintain it and almost daily visits to check the mail. I spent so many years of my life there. i actually lived there longer than any other place in my life. Strange that one house could encompass so much of my life. Kevin and I lived there for all but the first year we were together. I thought it was a first step to the new house we would have later. I never had any idea that we would stay so long. When we first moved in I expected to die in a few years, as I got better those thoughts left.
Kevin and I could never have predicted that I would be the one to move on after his death. Never was it expected that he would be the one to die in the home we shared. I am saying farewell to the past that envelops me daily. I am who I am today because of the life I led in that home. It was a home not just a house, correct that, it was a home so long as Kevin was alive. Once he died it became a tomb. Shrouding me in the past, clouding my future so that I could not truly see one while still living there. I believe that if I had not moved out when I did I would not be alive today.
The future is mine and mine alone now. I can make of it what I choose. The first anniversary of Kevin's death is quickly approaching I have looked back on the past year and discovered a strength that I never knew I had. I am sure that life will not pass me buy, any longer. I am ready to get going with my own life that does not include the house that holds me to the past. I have a great sense of relief in knowing that it will be someone else to live in and make memories in.
The loss I feel with the sale of the house is the fear that it is my last tie to Kevin and the life we had. That is foolish the memories have nothing to do with the house, or any other physical object that Kevin loved. The memories are within me and those who knew him. These can not be taken or lost, only put away until they are wanted. Someone told me that I am not leaving behind the life Kevin and I shared but simply putting it in it's proper place, the previous chapter that will build upon other chapters of my life. It takes all of these chapters to make one who one is today. They are always there to remind us where we came from so that you will not stray from the path of our lives. I like that thought, it has such truth in it.
Kevin and I could never have predicted that I would be the one to move on after his death. Never was it expected that he would be the one to die in the home we shared. I am saying farewell to the past that envelops me daily. I am who I am today because of the life I led in that home. It was a home not just a house, correct that, it was a home so long as Kevin was alive. Once he died it became a tomb. Shrouding me in the past, clouding my future so that I could not truly see one while still living there. I believe that if I had not moved out when I did I would not be alive today.
The future is mine and mine alone now. I can make of it what I choose. The first anniversary of Kevin's death is quickly approaching I have looked back on the past year and discovered a strength that I never knew I had. I am sure that life will not pass me buy, any longer. I am ready to get going with my own life that does not include the house that holds me to the past. I have a great sense of relief in knowing that it will be someone else to live in and make memories in.
The loss I feel with the sale of the house is the fear that it is my last tie to Kevin and the life we had. That is foolish the memories have nothing to do with the house, or any other physical object that Kevin loved. The memories are within me and those who knew him. These can not be taken or lost, only put away until they are wanted. Someone told me that I am not leaving behind the life Kevin and I shared but simply putting it in it's proper place, the previous chapter that will build upon other chapters of my life. It takes all of these chapters to make one who one is today. They are always there to remind us where we came from so that you will not stray from the path of our lives. I like that thought, it has such truth in it.
Sunday, August 01, 2010
Letting go
It has been a busy month, Jackson's 5Th bd, Mr. Russell's 89Th bd and a contract on the Delor house! I hope this goes through without any hiccups. I had a goal of disposing of the house before the first anniversary of Kevin's death and it looks like it just may happen. Life is moving forward and I feel that I am progressing with it somewhat. School starts in 3 weeks and I know it will be good to get back to a routine that I can not simply decide not to stick to. I have to have deadlines of I don't get things done as quickly as I should.
I have come a long way from last September. I am no longer the sheltered 41 year old boy I was, now I am an ever learning man of 42. Kevin liked the idea that he took care of the details and I let him. Now I have learned what a disservice I did to myself by allowing it. I have had to do a lifetime of learning how to denial with the little intricacies of daily life in a very accelerated pace. Many things I knew of just not the details of how to do it, or why it had to be done. When I question why something should be done I simply tell myself because Kevin said that was the way to do it.
I have not been keeping up with this since Face book took over as my main form of communication. I am trying to do better but not always as good as I should be. Hopefully with the anniversary of Kevin's death quickly approaching I am beginning to recover the memories that I did not have following his death last year. I guess this is a good thing. I am waiting for the bottom to drop out and when it does I will pick yourself up.
I have come a long way from last September. I am no longer the sheltered 41 year old boy I was, now I am an ever learning man of 42. Kevin liked the idea that he took care of the details and I let him. Now I have learned what a disservice I did to myself by allowing it. I have had to do a lifetime of learning how to denial with the little intricacies of daily life in a very accelerated pace. Many things I knew of just not the details of how to do it, or why it had to be done. When I question why something should be done I simply tell myself because Kevin said that was the way to do it.
I have not been keeping up with this since Face book took over as my main form of communication. I am trying to do better but not always as good as I should be. Hopefully with the anniversary of Kevin's death quickly approaching I am beginning to recover the memories that I did not have following his death last year. I guess this is a good thing. I am waiting for the bottom to drop out and when it does I will pick yourself up.
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