I have had a few busy months. School is finished for the semester, Christmas and the holidays are over. I have finally gotten back to me. It was a long time coming but I am as close to Kenny as I will ever be again. the anniversary of Kevin's death was very difficult and I chose to seek some professional counseling. It was very helpful. I have finally come to realise that I should feel no guilt or sense of betrayal when pursuing my life. Kevin is gone and while he will always be a part of my life he is no longer an active part of it. I have had to forgive others for things that I once thought were unforgivable. I realise that they are the ones that carry the burden of unfulfilled promise. I am to let myself be open to the possibilities of meeting someone again and building a life with him. If this happens great if not then I am just as happy alone.
The hardest thing is letting go of anger and fear. Once the fear is gone the anger dissipates. I am looking forward to a trip to San Francisco for New Years, and to the rest of my adventures yet to come.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Saturday, October 02, 2010
Fall's Cool Briskness
Made it through the first set of tests at school and did OK. the knee situation is getting resolved, saw the orthopedic, and having an MRI on the 5Th. The school semester is almost half over and is flying by! Having mostly good days and starting to feel as though I am finally moving on in my life. I am self aware of the difficulties that I put out for myself and am really trying to fix them. That is all for now just this quick update.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Fairwell to Summer Hello to Fall
The end of summer is quickly approaching and fall is looming. I
am having problems with my left knee. The Dr. referred me to an
orthopedic, who I will see at the end of the month. I am pretty sure
that surgery is in my near future. The cool weather will be a welcome
relief to the electric bill. Fall is a good time for me, I like the
cool weather for sleeping, the allergies are kinda bad but the trade
off is worth it. I have also decided to get myself into shape
physical. My diabetes is not under control and my weight is up. I
have to start doing the bike again. This is something I am doing for
me. The last year has been about Kevin, this next one is about
getting me into shape. I have been trying to start over from the
point I am at now. This is not a point that I can try to reclaim my
previous life from. I have to get to a point that I can feel
comfortable with myself around men that I am attracted to again. I
know what I have to do in order to get what I want and have made my
mind up to do it.
I feel a little like my old self now that I am realizing that
life is not as complicated as I have made it.
am having problems with my left knee. The Dr. referred me to an
orthopedic, who I will see at the end of the month. I am pretty sure
that surgery is in my near future. The cool weather will be a welcome
relief to the electric bill. Fall is a good time for me, I like the
cool weather for sleeping, the allergies are kinda bad but the trade
off is worth it. I have also decided to get myself into shape
physical. My diabetes is not under control and my weight is up. I
have to start doing the bike again. This is something I am doing for
me. The last year has been about Kevin, this next one is about
getting me into shape. I have been trying to start over from the
point I am at now. This is not a point that I can try to reclaim my
previous life from. I have to get to a point that I can feel
comfortable with myself around men that I am attracted to again. I
know what I have to do in order to get what I want and have made my
mind up to do it.
I feel a little like my old self now that I am realizing that
life is not as complicated as I have made it.
Tuesday, September 07, 2010
I made it through
I survived the weekend. It was difficult, but with food and a little adult beverage it was tolerable. I am sure that thing will get better as the years go by. I am seeing that things will sometime get better. When I am not sure, and it is possible not to ever get past the grief. Some time the future is too clouded for one to see. Well the second year of my journey has begun. I want to keep moving forward and will force myself to do so.
Saturday, September 04, 2010
We not me still
"Happy anniversary baby I've got you on my mind". Here it is the day I have been dreading for so long. One year ago Kevin died. His death was not one of those Betty Davis movies, ie "Dark Victory" she had the same brain cancer as Kevin in that one. He did not loose his sight then simply lay down for a little nap. He was not afforded that. His death was horrific. He died not from the cancer, rather from the side effects of the treatment. His body was consumed with gangrenous infection. He had a fever of 106, was expelling fluid from his mouth when he exhaled and that is how I remember him. Not the active, annal retentive, blue eyed wonder he was. I feel that I was robed of him because of this. I had to watch him slowly slip away over 20 months. The physical losses were difficult but easily managed. The true horror was his inability to be the intellectual man he so prided himself in being. His last days were spent in and out of conciseness. Times he seemed lucid and could communicate somewhat, but others he could become violent and full of rage. I truly believe that was because he knew what he had lost and was so angry that he could not just die so it would not get any worse.
The advise of friends and family is well meant but they do not understand what I have lost, I only know of one person who's mate died. She told me to do what I felt I need to in order to get through it, and ignore everyone else. I could not imagine anything being worse than this, except the loss of a child which I will never know. I still feel as if I am incomplete and it haunts me in my days and especially my empty nights. there is a distinct difference between being alone, and being lonely. Alone is easily rectified, lonely is imposable to fix. I can be in a room full of people and still the loneliness penetrates me to my core. Actually being with others makes it worse, seeing others with their spouse and knot fully realizing what they have.
Kevin and I never watched the sunrise together, other that the last 2 weeks he was alive and he really was not there, and in many ways neither was I. We always thought there would be time for that later in our lives. We put off so many things because we thought we had the time, after I was healthier any way. So many years spent going through the daily routine of life. When asked what I remember the most, it is the routine of us. We were predictable and as off the wall as I am we thrived in it.
I go on not truly living any longer just existing. I have accepted this as what life will be for me, and am actually resigned to it. This has given me a clarity to get trough this last year. A year that like so much of my life has fallen far short of what I expected, from it and myself.
The advise of friends and family is well meant but they do not understand what I have lost, I only know of one person who's mate died. She told me to do what I felt I need to in order to get through it, and ignore everyone else. I could not imagine anything being worse than this, except the loss of a child which I will never know. I still feel as if I am incomplete and it haunts me in my days and especially my empty nights. there is a distinct difference between being alone, and being lonely. Alone is easily rectified, lonely is imposable to fix. I can be in a room full of people and still the loneliness penetrates me to my core. Actually being with others makes it worse, seeing others with their spouse and knot fully realizing what they have.
Kevin and I never watched the sunrise together, other that the last 2 weeks he was alive and he really was not there, and in many ways neither was I. We always thought there would be time for that later in our lives. We put off so many things because we thought we had the time, after I was healthier any way. So many years spent going through the daily routine of life. When asked what I remember the most, it is the routine of us. We were predictable and as off the wall as I am we thrived in it.
I go on not truly living any longer just existing. I have accepted this as what life will be for me, and am actually resigned to it. This has given me a clarity to get trough this last year. A year that like so much of my life has fallen far short of what I expected, from it and myself.
Friday, September 03, 2010
Less than 12 hours
It is less than 12 hours until the exact time of Kevin's death one year ago tomorrow. Today has been emotional hell, and with a multitude of problems. I was hit by an uninsured driver this afternoon, in a car licenced in IL. expired of course, she lives in St. Louis, and has a Missouri drivers license. Once again uninsured! I feel like fate has it in for me. Not too long ago I really thought I was doing better, now I know that the rest of my time in this existence is going to be nothing but pain and disappointment. I have no hope of any sort of happiness, or even contentment. Hell I would settle for a dull ache. It is as if the world is out to get me in everything I attempt to do. I am almost ready to give up trying, it is fruitless. Why even get out of bed, except for the cats.
I have even less hope in my life than I did at this time last year. I knew that Kevin was no longer in pain, he was in a coma by this time, and that he would soon be at peace, or at least not in constant pain. I thought at the time it would just be easier to die with him, now I know it would have been. Life is not optimistic for me. I am alone, lonely, and without any hope of ever being any better. I only hope that this ordeal is soon ended. My body, so frail for so long, is holding up far too well. Maybe my punishment for my transgressions is to live on and bear this horror.
I have even less hope in my life than I did at this time last year. I knew that Kevin was no longer in pain, he was in a coma by this time, and that he would soon be at peace, or at least not in constant pain. I thought at the time it would just be easier to die with him, now I know it would have been. Life is not optimistic for me. I am alone, lonely, and without any hope of ever being any better. I only hope that this ordeal is soon ended. My body, so frail for so long, is holding up far too well. Maybe my punishment for my transgressions is to live on and bear this horror.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
4 days to anniversary
The house finally closed last Monday. It is done now and I feel a great relief. One thing done by the deadline I set for it. Life is still pulling me along. School is at least stimulating, if not tiring. I think of this time last year and wonder how I survived it and then how have I managed to survive without Kevin? For so long I just pushed it all down and ignored it. Taking one day at a time. I have repressed so much of the first couple months after his death that are now coming back.
They arrive like a slap in the face, from a cold hand. How close I was to letting life slip away then, and am truly not much better now. I put on the face of perseverance every day before I head out the door and somehow manage to hold it together until I get back home. This is getting harder and harder to do lately. I had become so adept at doing it I was fooling myself as well as everyone else. Well there is no fool like a foolish one. I am beginning to realize that this healing process is never going to be done, I will never recover and have a life like I did before, that life is a dead as Kevin. I have no true zest for life any longer, I feel most of the time that I am best alone and manage to achieve this. The outside world has no concept of what my life is truly like. If it did they would be horrified at what torment and pain I am constantly in. The anger is surging withing me and I can feel it seething with me.
The anger gives me nothing but frustration, it use to give me energy and will. That is all gone and all that is left is this rage that has no focus to lash out at. Time is once again my enemy.
They arrive like a slap in the face, from a cold hand. How close I was to letting life slip away then, and am truly not much better now. I put on the face of perseverance every day before I head out the door and somehow manage to hold it together until I get back home. This is getting harder and harder to do lately. I had become so adept at doing it I was fooling myself as well as everyone else. Well there is no fool like a foolish one. I am beginning to realize that this healing process is never going to be done, I will never recover and have a life like I did before, that life is a dead as Kevin. I have no true zest for life any longer, I feel most of the time that I am best alone and manage to achieve this. The outside world has no concept of what my life is truly like. If it did they would be horrified at what torment and pain I am constantly in. The anger is surging withing me and I can feel it seething with me.
The anger gives me nothing but frustration, it use to give me energy and will. That is all gone and all that is left is this rage that has no focus to lash out at. Time is once again my enemy.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Disapointments run amuck
I am not sure why I even keep this up. No one views it. I guess it is for my own release. The sale of the house is turning into such a cluster, last minute things pop up and I am tired of it all. The whole existence thing is starting to wear heavily on me. I am starting school in a few days and have no enthusiasm for it left. I look at is as one more thing that I must forge through. Why I must eludes me. I am feeling the weight of Kevin's death like a led ball on my back. Every time I feel as if some progress is taking place something pushes me even farther back. I am close to stopping all of my meds and just letting things run the course. I don't really know if they are helping anyway.
Just getting out of bed, is once again almost unbearable. I feel the need to just sleep and let the world go without me. I am tired all the time and do not really what to interact with anyone or anything. I just want to close myself off and lie in a darkened room.
the first anniversary of Kevin's death is just around the corner and I have not succeeded at a single goal I set for myself. I feel as if my life is stagnate. I am giving up on meeting other people, I am not happy and no one wants to be around sad people in the public setting. I have kept up a facade for the past year and it is wearing thin. the reality of how joyless life is has begun to consume me. I think I just will let it do so. I have no fight left in me and my weakness disgusts me. I have always thought of myself as a strong person but this has broken me. I have nothing left and the stores are all closed. Unless things change in some drastic way this will probably be my last post.
Just getting out of bed, is once again almost unbearable. I feel the need to just sleep and let the world go without me. I am tired all the time and do not really what to interact with anyone or anything. I just want to close myself off and lie in a darkened room.
the first anniversary of Kevin's death is just around the corner and I have not succeeded at a single goal I set for myself. I feel as if my life is stagnate. I am giving up on meeting other people, I am not happy and no one wants to be around sad people in the public setting. I have kept up a facade for the past year and it is wearing thin. the reality of how joyless life is has begun to consume me. I think I just will let it do so. I have no fight left in me and my weakness disgusts me. I have always thought of myself as a strong person but this has broken me. I have nothing left and the stores are all closed. Unless things change in some drastic way this will probably be my last post.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Delor Sold
The house on Delor has sold, the closing is August 19. It has been a long time coming. The release from having to maintain it and almost daily visits to check the mail. I spent so many years of my life there. i actually lived there longer than any other place in my life. Strange that one house could encompass so much of my life. Kevin and I lived there for all but the first year we were together. I thought it was a first step to the new house we would have later. I never had any idea that we would stay so long. When we first moved in I expected to die in a few years, as I got better those thoughts left.
Kevin and I could never have predicted that I would be the one to move on after his death. Never was it expected that he would be the one to die in the home we shared. I am saying farewell to the past that envelops me daily. I am who I am today because of the life I led in that home. It was a home not just a house, correct that, it was a home so long as Kevin was alive. Once he died it became a tomb. Shrouding me in the past, clouding my future so that I could not truly see one while still living there. I believe that if I had not moved out when I did I would not be alive today.
The future is mine and mine alone now. I can make of it what I choose. The first anniversary of Kevin's death is quickly approaching I have looked back on the past year and discovered a strength that I never knew I had. I am sure that life will not pass me buy, any longer. I am ready to get going with my own life that does not include the house that holds me to the past. I have a great sense of relief in knowing that it will be someone else to live in and make memories in.
The loss I feel with the sale of the house is the fear that it is my last tie to Kevin and the life we had. That is foolish the memories have nothing to do with the house, or any other physical object that Kevin loved. The memories are within me and those who knew him. These can not be taken or lost, only put away until they are wanted. Someone told me that I am not leaving behind the life Kevin and I shared but simply putting it in it's proper place, the previous chapter that will build upon other chapters of my life. It takes all of these chapters to make one who one is today. They are always there to remind us where we came from so that you will not stray from the path of our lives. I like that thought, it has such truth in it.
Kevin and I could never have predicted that I would be the one to move on after his death. Never was it expected that he would be the one to die in the home we shared. I am saying farewell to the past that envelops me daily. I am who I am today because of the life I led in that home. It was a home not just a house, correct that, it was a home so long as Kevin was alive. Once he died it became a tomb. Shrouding me in the past, clouding my future so that I could not truly see one while still living there. I believe that if I had not moved out when I did I would not be alive today.
The future is mine and mine alone now. I can make of it what I choose. The first anniversary of Kevin's death is quickly approaching I have looked back on the past year and discovered a strength that I never knew I had. I am sure that life will not pass me buy, any longer. I am ready to get going with my own life that does not include the house that holds me to the past. I have a great sense of relief in knowing that it will be someone else to live in and make memories in.
The loss I feel with the sale of the house is the fear that it is my last tie to Kevin and the life we had. That is foolish the memories have nothing to do with the house, or any other physical object that Kevin loved. The memories are within me and those who knew him. These can not be taken or lost, only put away until they are wanted. Someone told me that I am not leaving behind the life Kevin and I shared but simply putting it in it's proper place, the previous chapter that will build upon other chapters of my life. It takes all of these chapters to make one who one is today. They are always there to remind us where we came from so that you will not stray from the path of our lives. I like that thought, it has such truth in it.
Sunday, August 01, 2010
Letting go
It has been a busy month, Jackson's 5Th bd, Mr. Russell's 89Th bd and a contract on the Delor house! I hope this goes through without any hiccups. I had a goal of disposing of the house before the first anniversary of Kevin's death and it looks like it just may happen. Life is moving forward and I feel that I am progressing with it somewhat. School starts in 3 weeks and I know it will be good to get back to a routine that I can not simply decide not to stick to. I have to have deadlines of I don't get things done as quickly as I should.
I have come a long way from last September. I am no longer the sheltered 41 year old boy I was, now I am an ever learning man of 42. Kevin liked the idea that he took care of the details and I let him. Now I have learned what a disservice I did to myself by allowing it. I have had to do a lifetime of learning how to denial with the little intricacies of daily life in a very accelerated pace. Many things I knew of just not the details of how to do it, or why it had to be done. When I question why something should be done I simply tell myself because Kevin said that was the way to do it.
I have not been keeping up with this since Face book took over as my main form of communication. I am trying to do better but not always as good as I should be. Hopefully with the anniversary of Kevin's death quickly approaching I am beginning to recover the memories that I did not have following his death last year. I guess this is a good thing. I am waiting for the bottom to drop out and when it does I will pick yourself up.
I have come a long way from last September. I am no longer the sheltered 41 year old boy I was, now I am an ever learning man of 42. Kevin liked the idea that he took care of the details and I let him. Now I have learned what a disservice I did to myself by allowing it. I have had to do a lifetime of learning how to denial with the little intricacies of daily life in a very accelerated pace. Many things I knew of just not the details of how to do it, or why it had to be done. When I question why something should be done I simply tell myself because Kevin said that was the way to do it.
I have not been keeping up with this since Face book took over as my main form of communication. I am trying to do better but not always as good as I should be. Hopefully with the anniversary of Kevin's death quickly approaching I am beginning to recover the memories that I did not have following his death last year. I guess this is a good thing. I am waiting for the bottom to drop out and when it does I will pick yourself up.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
House Work
It has been a very busy couple of weeks. I had to build a section of fence in the back yard. Have been touching up the paint and today had the floors redone. Tomorrow is cleaning the basement, then Tuesday the upstairs. I have to then get on to cleaning the condo. This weekend is off to Branson for Jackson's birthday. Hard to believe he is already 5 years old. Kevin has been on my mind a lot lately, I am not sure why. The anniversary of his death is coming up in a couple of months.
It is hard to believe that he will be gone for an entire year already. I thought that life would have moved on completely by now and it seems to have went backwards over the last couple of weeks. I was making a lot of headway with getting out and seeing others. I still compare then to Kevin and can not seem to stop it. I don't know if I ever will.
I am getting ready to go back to school after going to Des Monies for the Iowa state fair next month. That's all for mow
Kenny
It is hard to believe that he will be gone for an entire year already. I thought that life would have moved on completely by now and it seems to have went backwards over the last couple of weeks. I was making a lot of headway with getting out and seeing others. I still compare then to Kevin and can not seem to stop it. I don't know if I ever will.
I am getting ready to go back to school after going to Des Monies for the Iowa state fair next month. That's all for mow
Kenny
Friday, July 02, 2010
Moving forward and going out
Have been having some social life as of late. We have went to dinner a couple of times with a man I met last week and have had a couple of nice dinners with. Have met a few other people that I have went out with and enjoyed as well. It is getting easier to look as someone as themselves and not comparing them to Kevin. I still do but usually catch myself. I am starting to have more self confidence. I am starting to enjoy meeting new people and not necessarily looking for a partner but someone to have fun with and not limiting myself to a single guy.
The city is full of men who are interested in me a and me in them so I will have some fun for as long as I want to. I am not sure that the rode to love is before me but if it would be then I would probably attempt a trip.
The city is full of men who are interested in me a and me in them so I will have some fun for as long as I want to. I am not sure that the rode to love is before me but if it would be then I would probably attempt a trip.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Moving on to some fun
The last week has been a lot of fun. I went to Hannibal to meet someone and had a great time there. It was cut short because I had to be back for Wicked on Saturday night with Rick. I took Dave to dinner, Rick and Chris met us there. The show was better than I could have hoped. I really liked the storyline and the message it sent.
Sunday I met with a new friend and had a good time. Monday Rick and I went to the reading of a new play and it was awful, but we were asked our opinion on it. Yesterday I ran a few errands and went to Teresa's, then to my parents for a while. Later I met with the friend from Sunday and had a light dinner and couple of appeltinnies. Then got home around 1130.
I am getting the house ready for the Ransden clan to come in next week. They are going to stay with me the entire time they are here. Katie will be fun to spoil. I am also looking forward to pride this weekend. Friday is the happy hour at Sharon and Carol's. Well need to get started on the house cleaning so more later.
Sunday I met with a new friend and had a good time. Monday Rick and I went to the reading of a new play and it was awful, but we were asked our opinion on it. Yesterday I ran a few errands and went to Teresa's, then to my parents for a while. Later I met with the friend from Sunday and had a light dinner and couple of appeltinnies. Then got home around 1130.
I am getting the house ready for the Ransden clan to come in next week. They are going to stay with me the entire time they are here. Katie will be fun to spoil. I am also looking forward to pride this weekend. Friday is the happy hour at Sharon and Carol's. Well need to get started on the house cleaning so more later.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
I am now 42
Monday was my 42ND birthday. The entire weekend was filled with family and friends. Saturday Keith and Doris took me to a wine tasting and then to dinner. Sunday was Mom and Dad's 51st wedding anniversary, dinner again, then on my birthday dinner with the family at Outback. After dinner we all went to Mom and Dad's for ice cream cake! I am going to Hannibal on Friday to visit with a new friend. Then on Saturday evening Rick and I are going to see Wicked! This was my birthday present to myself. The condo is coming along, the kitchen is finished, and the dinning room is next. I am thinking about painting the living room the same as the dinning room. Everyone likes the gray and it is very peaceful. The guest room is ready for visitors, still have not decided what to paint it yet.
Life is getting into a rhythm that suits me. I have stopped trying to make things happen and just allow the flow to take me. This is usually when the best things in life come to you. The little ones seem to grow so fast, Jackson will be 5 next month! Karin, Ed and Katie will be in over the 4Th and I am sure Katie will have grown since January. Well not much to report except Kevin not being here for my birthday was depressing, I have been missing him a lot since Memorial day. His presence was missed when I got up on my birthday and no card was on the dinning room table. But I picked myself up and moved on. It seems that I am getting better and better at that. I can almost see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Life is getting into a rhythm that suits me. I have stopped trying to make things happen and just allow the flow to take me. This is usually when the best things in life come to you. The little ones seem to grow so fast, Jackson will be 5 next month! Karin, Ed and Katie will be in over the 4Th and I am sure Katie will have grown since January. Well not much to report except Kevin not being here for my birthday was depressing, I have been missing him a lot since Memorial day. His presence was missed when I got up on my birthday and no card was on the dinning room table. But I picked myself up and moved on. It seems that I am getting better and better at that. I can almost see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
Almost 42
I am trying to finish up the final touches on the condo before Ed, Karin, and Katie get her at the end of June. I will be 42 in a week and this will be my first birthday since Kevin died, our anniversary will be on July 8. We would have been together for 16 years. Who am I kidding we still are in my emotional mind. This is probably why I am having so much difficulty meeting new people. I have never had a problem with this in the past. I also realized that I have not put up any new photos in a long time so i am going to try to add a few today. Getting the condo under control has helped me mentally a great deal. The house is officially off the market, it did not sell, I am going to rent it out.
I have some ambitious plans for this week, some that have carried over for a few weeks. I am doing better at getting everything done that I need and want to.
I have some ambitious plans for this week, some that have carried over for a few weeks. I am doing better at getting everything done that I need and want to.
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
Summer heats up
Time seems to get away from me so easily. I have been busy getting ready for all the paperwork that school entails, trying to keep up with family and friends, and keeping my sanity. The last is probably doubtful to have ever existed. The Holiday was not too bad. I visited Kevin's grave and now I don't know if I will ever return to it. He is not there, he is totally gone from me. I have no sense of him at the house or anywhere else. I am starting to move forward willingly. I have made a few disastrous fores into the dating world. Still I am not giving up. I will find what I want just have to wait until he comes along.
This Friday will be 9 months since Kevin's death. My birthday, and our anniversary are quickly approaching. I will be 42 and this would have been our 16Th anniversary. Time has passed so quickly since Kevin was diagnosed with the tumour. He lived 20 months and it seemed like a blink of an eye. I even have trouble remembering his voice sometimes. I have photos of us all over the condo, and I still sometimes can not remember his face. One thing I will always remember is the way his eyes were an open book to what he was truly feeling. Many times I saw the pain that he tried to hide. The disappointment, and the joy, and mischievousness that was so much apart of him. The way he could look at you over his Reading glasses like a school teacher amazed at the stupidity of your work or question.
I am still trying to do things my own way, but the training I received for 15 years is hard to break. I do know that I am a more patient person now, how much more is the question. Few know of what it was like to take care of Kevin every day. He only wanted me to do most things and did his best to rile me up. Which he did, but not as often as he would have liked. I thought I would not survive his death but the entire thing is still pretty much a blank to me. I remember bits of the viewing and internment service. I do remember everything up to them taking him away the last time. Those are some of my proudest moments in life. I managed to care for him as close to how he wanted as I could do. I have often felt that I did not do a very good job. I am a little easier on myself now. Quite frankly I can not believe I managed to do the things I did.
That is the past and while I can not dismiss it, I have chosen not to revisit it constantly. My future is what I will make of it, not what we made in the past. Kevin is gone and I am finally ready to admit it to myself. This is now my life and I am the only one that has to like it. Watch out cause here I go.
This Friday will be 9 months since Kevin's death. My birthday, and our anniversary are quickly approaching. I will be 42 and this would have been our 16Th anniversary. Time has passed so quickly since Kevin was diagnosed with the tumour. He lived 20 months and it seemed like a blink of an eye. I even have trouble remembering his voice sometimes. I have photos of us all over the condo, and I still sometimes can not remember his face. One thing I will always remember is the way his eyes were an open book to what he was truly feeling. Many times I saw the pain that he tried to hide. The disappointment, and the joy, and mischievousness that was so much apart of him. The way he could look at you over his Reading glasses like a school teacher amazed at the stupidity of your work or question.
I am still trying to do things my own way, but the training I received for 15 years is hard to break. I do know that I am a more patient person now, how much more is the question. Few know of what it was like to take care of Kevin every day. He only wanted me to do most things and did his best to rile me up. Which he did, but not as often as he would have liked. I thought I would not survive his death but the entire thing is still pretty much a blank to me. I remember bits of the viewing and internment service. I do remember everything up to them taking him away the last time. Those are some of my proudest moments in life. I managed to care for him as close to how he wanted as I could do. I have often felt that I did not do a very good job. I am a little easier on myself now. Quite frankly I can not believe I managed to do the things I did.
That is the past and while I can not dismiss it, I have chosen not to revisit it constantly. My future is what I will make of it, not what we made in the past. Kevin is gone and I am finally ready to admit it to myself. This is now my life and I am the only one that has to like it. Watch out cause here I go.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Life moves me forward
Registered for classes this fall at UMSL today. I am considered a Junior level student. Trying to get everything caught up after being gone so much the past couple of weeks. Went to Jasper to watch Joey, and Becky's brood. Becky and Zack went to DC for his 16Th birthday. With a total of 7 self at home it was busy. the ages range for 4 to 11. Amazingly enough the 2 youngest, 4 year olds, were little to no trouble at all. The others are old enough to need some drama going on most of the time. It is interesting to see how they manipulate one another to get yet another mad. I wish that I had a camera recording all of it. That would be reality TV.
On the way back yesterday I found my thoughts turning to Kevin. He has been on my mind a lot lately. I am not sure if it is because I went out on a real date Saturday night or what. I had a good time and enjoyed the evening. I must admit that I feel a little bad for having a good time with another man. I know in my mind that I shouldn't but I do so there is little that can be done about it. Moving on is far more difficult than one can imagine. Sometimes I still wake up and expect Kevin to be in bed next to me, that is only a rarity anymore. When it does happen I feel a huge relief until reality sinks in, then I just sigh and go on. I probably will always do this to some extent.
This is the longest post I have done in a long time. I need to keep up with this more. Face book is more of an interactive formant, but it is short and sometimes a little awkward.
On the way back yesterday I found my thoughts turning to Kevin. He has been on my mind a lot lately. I am not sure if it is because I went out on a real date Saturday night or what. I had a good time and enjoyed the evening. I must admit that I feel a little bad for having a good time with another man. I know in my mind that I shouldn't but I do so there is little that can be done about it. Moving on is far more difficult than one can imagine. Sometimes I still wake up and expect Kevin to be in bed next to me, that is only a rarity anymore. When it does happen I feel a huge relief until reality sinks in, then I just sigh and go on. I probably will always do this to some extent.
This is the longest post I have done in a long time. I need to keep up with this more. Face book is more of an interactive formant, but it is short and sometimes a little awkward.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
They like me they really like me!
I was accepted to UMSL school of Psychiatry! I applied a month ago and was very unsure if I would be accepted. I have finally answered the question "What do I want to be when I grow up?". I decided upon this course after Kevin died and the counseling I received was so helpful. I realized that during my years at Food Outreach visiting with clients home bound, that I did have an ability to give a direct and usually appropriate answer. Kevin would have been terrified if I had this career path in mind while he was alive. Well with all the crazy out there and in here it sure could not hurt to fully understand the issues that arise and the proper ways to deal with them.
I now have a course of action that will occupy the nest 4 to 6 years of my life. Who knows maybe some day I will be addressed as Dr. Ritch?
I now have a course of action that will occupy the nest 4 to 6 years of my life. Who knows maybe some day I will be addressed as Dr. Ritch?
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
8 months already
Kevin died 8 months ago today. It does not seem that long, and sometimes it seems like years. We welcomed a new baby to the family on Saturday. Brennen Michael Paul Russell. Brian and Andrea are the parents this makes 15 in the great niece, nephew list! His birth brought back the memory of when Brian told me they were pregnant. It was last August while he was hear to see Kevin just before he died. I was smiling when I thought of it. Kevin was still with it enough to understand when we told him about the baby. I think a little of Kevin went to Brennen, that is a comfort, it could also be a nightmare for Brian and Andrea.
Life continues to move ahead. School is almost over for the semester, and this weekend I am going to Joey's. Finals next week, then a 2 week break until summer session. Time is passing by quickly. I feel like I am almost caught up with the world now. Not completely, but almost. This summer is going to me the challenge, We usually took a few little trips and a week somewhere. I really don't have much desire to go anywhere. I have thought about a lot of places, all of which I went to whit Kevin. I have to start doing new things and going to new places to separate this phase of my life from the past. I have found that starting over is not so easy. The past creeps into the present in such a stealthy way that it is sometimes scary.
The tears and depression are less now but still sneak up on me without much if any notice. I know that life is out there and I will get to it soon. I am just not ready to dive in fully yet, just some toes in the water for now.
Life continues to move ahead. School is almost over for the semester, and this weekend I am going to Joey's. Finals next week, then a 2 week break until summer session. Time is passing by quickly. I feel like I am almost caught up with the world now. Not completely, but almost. This summer is going to me the challenge, We usually took a few little trips and a week somewhere. I really don't have much desire to go anywhere. I have thought about a lot of places, all of which I went to whit Kevin. I have to start doing new things and going to new places to separate this phase of my life from the past. I have found that starting over is not so easy. The past creeps into the present in such a stealthy way that it is sometimes scary.
The tears and depression are less now but still sneak up on me without much if any notice. I know that life is out there and I will get to it soon. I am just not ready to dive in fully yet, just some toes in the water for now.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Has Spring sprung ?
Beautiful day, between rain showers. Rain caused AC repair to be postponed until Monday. I am going to dinner tonight, wonder if it will be something different? Probably not. Still searching for the elusive chairs that match the kitchen table, but I will not be thwarted. I am so close to graduating that I can actually see the finish line and it is a little scary. What will the next step be? I have thought about going on and getting a psychology degree, but do I really have that in me? Oh well I will think about it later too much to get done this weekend and too little time to do it in.
Monday, April 19, 2010
A Tasteful Afair
Yesterday was ATA and I had a good time, managed to get my first oral auction item. It appears I won a 7000 sp foot cabin in Des Moins IA for 5 days. Up to 25 people can fit. I did find that during the set up I kept looking for Kevin to be there with a bid book and double checking that everything was on his list, and in the computer. The man who took over the bid board is far more relaxed than Kevin. I was a lot sad when I went home to change for the actual event. I almost did not go back. Then after the event was over I went to Clems for dinner, after eating all afternoon, and it was packed. I had one of those moments when I was in a crowd of probably 70 people and was completely alone. This has not happened for a long time. I am surprised that this event caused so much emotional upset for me.
I will be graduating next fall, with an associates anyway. Hopefully will go on to a 4 year and get a bachelors in psychology. All of the people in the world and a nut job like me wnats to go into this field. I do actually have a desire for this, if to help myself more than others. World don't worry I am not going to be practicing in any medical field. Then again I could just build myself a man and then infuse him with the energy of the universe, oh wait that was Rocky Horror. Well life is back to the normal, or as the counseling information says, the new normal.
I will be graduating next fall, with an associates anyway. Hopefully will go on to a 4 year and get a bachelors in psychology. All of the people in the world and a nut job like me wnats to go into this field. I do actually have a desire for this, if to help myself more than others. World don't worry I am not going to be practicing in any medical field. Then again I could just build myself a man and then infuse him with the energy of the universe, oh wait that was Rocky Horror. Well life is back to the normal, or as the counseling information says, the new normal.
Friday, April 09, 2010
A lot in a little
A lot of things have happened in the last few weeks. My uncle was diagnosed with bone cancer and passed 8 days later. This has brought up a lot of unwanted memories and feelings. Things that I thought were not able to hut me now came back with a vengeance. To exasperate the situation personal relationships with the family have started to come to a boiling point and attitudes that are unacceptable can no longer be tolerated. Death brings out the best or worse in people that is a fact that can not be argued with.
The worse seems to prevail in those who should be the best at such times but life is full of disappointments and those who you expect the most of often let you down the worse. This leaves lasting wounds that will never heal and causes you to act in ways that are cause for regret. The final factor is respect, if you can not respect someone you can not love them, love and respect are mutual to me and can not exist without one another. I have lost all respect for someone who I once had a great deal for. This is gone and while I can tolerate and allow contact the relationship is permanently damaged and will forever be over in all aspects except those of common contact. I can and will go on and feel that this was a long time in coming. I can not allow the tyranny over those that I care for by anyone, no matter what the excuses or claims of not remembering what was said and done. I may soften in this matter but I doubt it, some lines, once crossed, are forever broken and can never be repaired.
Life is moving forward and Kevin has now been gone for over 7 months. I feel his loss as acute as ever as I write this and do not truly expect to get back to where I was just a few days ago for some time. The wounds once reopened take longer to heal, if they ever do. Scars are thick and painful once reopened. I will be better some day just not this one, I will get a life that is hopeful, just not today, I will get a world with happiness, just not today, but someday it will be and then I can look back and say I survived and am stronger than before.
Dave has told me that I should write a book about my life taking care of Kevina and this continuing struggle to resume life. I am for the first time thinking maybe I will. I doubt it would be published, but it would be a way to lay down a record of what happens when someone you love dies and how it never leaves you again no matter what and how the littlest things can rip at you at any time to thrust you back into the hell you thought was behind you at any time.
The worse seems to prevail in those who should be the best at such times but life is full of disappointments and those who you expect the most of often let you down the worse. This leaves lasting wounds that will never heal and causes you to act in ways that are cause for regret. The final factor is respect, if you can not respect someone you can not love them, love and respect are mutual to me and can not exist without one another. I have lost all respect for someone who I once had a great deal for. This is gone and while I can tolerate and allow contact the relationship is permanently damaged and will forever be over in all aspects except those of common contact. I can and will go on and feel that this was a long time in coming. I can not allow the tyranny over those that I care for by anyone, no matter what the excuses or claims of not remembering what was said and done. I may soften in this matter but I doubt it, some lines, once crossed, are forever broken and can never be repaired.
Life is moving forward and Kevin has now been gone for over 7 months. I feel his loss as acute as ever as I write this and do not truly expect to get back to where I was just a few days ago for some time. The wounds once reopened take longer to heal, if they ever do. Scars are thick and painful once reopened. I will be better some day just not this one, I will get a life that is hopeful, just not today, I will get a world with happiness, just not today, but someday it will be and then I can look back and say I survived and am stronger than before.
Dave has told me that I should write a book about my life taking care of Kevina and this continuing struggle to resume life. I am for the first time thinking maybe I will. I doubt it would be published, but it would be a way to lay down a record of what happens when someone you love dies and how it never leaves you again no matter what and how the littlest things can rip at you at any time to thrust you back into the hell you thought was behind you at any time.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Sprin is getting hot
I have been on the first date since Kevin and I first met 15 years ago on Saturday. I had a great time and hope he did too. Tonight I have another, different man, and am looking forward to it. I thought no one would ever be interested in my 41 year old, overweight, out of shape, self again. In the last week things are certainly turning around. I no longer feel that I am close to scarring small children, when I am not meaning too anyway. I can feel my since of humor returning and realizing around others more and more. I am feeling truly alive again, and it feels good. I have no idea what the future holds for me, but I will take it as it comes. I have never thought love could happen to me again, and still really don't. I am content with my life of living alone, and am quickly realizing that the alone is not lonely. I am building a full life all by myself, something I have never done before. I really was not sure if I could to tell the truth. Life is taking me in directions that I never thought I would or could go in.
Life can carry me for a while, I had to carry it for so long I think it is time for me to sit back relax and let come what may.
Life can carry me for a while, I had to carry it for so long I think it is time for me to sit back relax and let come what may.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
End of Spring Break
The happy hour I hosted last evening was great! I had a great time talking and socialising with everyone. I actually felt like life had some semblance of normality. I am cleaning and repairing the walls in the laundry closet. I will paint in there tomorrow, in preparation for the new washer and dryer on Monday. Moved the old set to Rich and Heathers this morning, uneventful except for the cut over my eye form the washer not wanting to get into dad's truck. I am tired but need a night out, so gonna rest a little then go out for a while.
The girls are doing great and were lavished with attention last night. Snuggy ate it up. They have brought a lot of happiness into my life over the past few months. I am finding that they are far more resilient than Spot and Max were. I am not sure if it is because they are younger, or just different cats. I say cats now because they are hardly kittens any longer. They seem to adjust to changes in the schedule easily, which is nice.
I have begun to feel more comfortable with other people lately, I even look forward to interacting with others instead of forcing myself to do it. Most aspects of my life are calm and reaching a normality, the grief books call it the new normal. Things in my family can always offer some drama. Having so many in the family leaves this option always open. But this is all part of life, as we all learn eventually. My mind wonders to thoughts of Kevin and I am no longer brought to tears by this, he is still firmly in my mind and always there with me. Lately I no longer think of living our life without him but rather living my life after him. This is probably a good thing, or it could be the prelude to a psychotic break! This as with everything in life will be known in time.
I sometimes feel a little sad when thinking about all that is to come, and that Kevin will not be here to share it with me. Rarely now do I talk to him about my day and what is happening or about to. I know now that he is at peace and I will no longer feel his presence around me. This is sad to me but at the same time it gives me hope that he has found a comfort and peace that he so deserves. I only hope that I can do the same in time. For the present, I just find happiness as it is offered and be thankful that I am allowed it.
The girls are doing great and were lavished with attention last night. Snuggy ate it up. They have brought a lot of happiness into my life over the past few months. I am finding that they are far more resilient than Spot and Max were. I am not sure if it is because they are younger, or just different cats. I say cats now because they are hardly kittens any longer. They seem to adjust to changes in the schedule easily, which is nice.
I have begun to feel more comfortable with other people lately, I even look forward to interacting with others instead of forcing myself to do it. Most aspects of my life are calm and reaching a normality, the grief books call it the new normal. Things in my family can always offer some drama. Having so many in the family leaves this option always open. But this is all part of life, as we all learn eventually. My mind wonders to thoughts of Kevin and I am no longer brought to tears by this, he is still firmly in my mind and always there with me. Lately I no longer think of living our life without him but rather living my life after him. This is probably a good thing, or it could be the prelude to a psychotic break! This as with everything in life will be known in time.
I sometimes feel a little sad when thinking about all that is to come, and that Kevin will not be here to share it with me. Rarely now do I talk to him about my day and what is happening or about to. I know now that he is at peace and I will no longer feel his presence around me. This is sad to me but at the same time it gives me hope that he has found a comfort and peace that he so deserves. I only hope that I can do the same in time. For the present, I just find happiness as it is offered and be thankful that I am allowed it.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Spring has sprung
I have had a busy 2 weeks. I had midterms last week and am on Spring Break this week!! The girls are at the vet having a DE-clawing. They will spend the night, and I will get them tomorrow after 9. this past weekend Teresa and I went to Joey's and had a kid filled Saturday night. 5 kids vs 3 adults at Chuckey Cheeses, the kids won. I have been making progress in getting the condo together. I have to have the place presentable by the HH this Friday. I have a plan and just have to make it happen. I am a little tired today, girls kept me awake until 1 this morning. I am starting to keep up with the paperwork and that is a major thing for me.
I do have to let everyone know that the Brian Tumor Walk will not happen this year. A lack of volunteers was the sited cause. I have been thinking a lot about Kevin during the evening again. This was the time when we really were together. Before and after the tumor. We always ate dinner together and then had a few hours of us time. This usually was watching TV, or sometimes just talking. The just talking was more to the end. It is hard to believe that Kevin has been gone for more than 6 months already. I have been in the condo for over 3! I have had a good time at school so far. I am going to take at least 1 class this summer. I am still deciding where to go for a little trip. I am leaning to Savanna again. Kevin and I always wanted to go back there again.
i have even thought about going to Fiesta land but I am not sure that I am up for that. The condo is already to the brim with dishes. I will have the serving pieces this Friday for the HH. this will be the first time since before Kevin died. 7
I do have to let everyone know that the Brian Tumor Walk will not happen this year. A lack of volunteers was the sited cause. I have been thinking a lot about Kevin during the evening again. This was the time when we really were together. Before and after the tumor. We always ate dinner together and then had a few hours of us time. This usually was watching TV, or sometimes just talking. The just talking was more to the end. It is hard to believe that Kevin has been gone for more than 6 months already. I have been in the condo for over 3! I have had a good time at school so far. I am going to take at least 1 class this summer. I am still deciding where to go for a little trip. I am leaning to Savanna again. Kevin and I always wanted to go back there again.
i have even thought about going to Fiesta land but I am not sure that I am up for that. The condo is already to the brim with dishes. I will have the serving pieces this Friday for the HH. this will be the first time since before Kevin died. 7
Thursday, March 04, 2010
6 Month mark
Kevin passed away 6 months ago today. I sometimes feel it has been years, sometimes as if he just took his last breath in our bedroom while I was holding his hand. I have more good days than bad. I guess that is some progress. Life is moving on and some days I really enjoy it. I have become accustomed to being alone. This is something I never thought I could have done. Strange how experience and age changes one. Well just a short one today. Kevin I love you as much now as when we celebrated our 15Th anniversary last year.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Almost 6 months
This Thursday Kevin will have been dead for six months. It sometimes seems like years, and at others as if it just happened. My life has taken many twists and turns in that time. I am living in a place I never thought I would, alone and getting use to it. i thought the living alone would be the hardest. I t is actually the easiest to get use to. If I would have been asked a year ago how I would be doing this soon after Kevin's death, the answer would have been not. I truly did not believe that I would survive it. I am a creature of habit and having my life turned completely upside down was not in my realm of capability. I am far more resilient than I thought possible. Not that it has been easy, by no means. I simply had to force myself to get out of bed each day and do something. What it was did not matter. I simply made myself get dressed and leave the house. This may sound easy enough, but when all you want to do is lye there and die it takes some will. i know now that I can do what I have to through pure force of will. I am feeling more confident about myself and life than I have in a long long time.
Kevin may have died half a year ago but he is still alive in my heart all of the time. i still talk to him and make no apologies for it. I use his memories as a sounding board. i know exactly what he would say to almost anything I asked him so it works for me. I can see a sliver of what my life is becoming, and I am not dissatisfied with it. I have learned to accept that the fireworks and excitement of youth are tempered with age and experience. The bright burning flame of explosives is intoxicating but after we are at it epicenter a few times when the explosion happens we begin to realize the steadiness of electric light is far more desirable. chasing the elusive wish is changed to achieving a maintainable happiness that has few highs but also few lows. Life is a constant give and take, the scales must balance themselves out or order would not be possible. That is the lesson I have learned the best so far in life. Balance is better than Boom Bang, ouch.
Kevin may have died half a year ago but he is still alive in my heart all of the time. i still talk to him and make no apologies for it. I use his memories as a sounding board. i know exactly what he would say to almost anything I asked him so it works for me. I can see a sliver of what my life is becoming, and I am not dissatisfied with it. I have learned to accept that the fireworks and excitement of youth are tempered with age and experience. The bright burning flame of explosives is intoxicating but after we are at it epicenter a few times when the explosion happens we begin to realize the steadiness of electric light is far more desirable. chasing the elusive wish is changed to achieving a maintainable happiness that has few highs but also few lows. Life is a constant give and take, the scales must balance themselves out or order would not be possible. That is the lesson I have learned the best so far in life. Balance is better than Boom Bang, ouch.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Weirdnes of Life
I have had a lot going on this last week. Had a visit with Russ, a friend of Kevin's from 1972. I was not even in school yet! We had a very nice visit and talked a lot about Kevin and ate sugar free chocolate chip cookies. I was able to get some perspective on some things that have been on my mind since Kevin died. I was suppose to be on a date Sunday. I canceled it, just did not feel right. I am not sure if it was him or what. I realized that I am not willing to attempt to see someone who is still semi-closeted. Speaking with a gentleman at Bad Dog while watching the Olympics Friday night allowed me to realize this.
So much for my attempt to reenter the dating world. I have found that I am happy living alone. This has come as a surprise to me. I have never done well on my own in the past, and maybe that is why I have historically chosen the wrong person. When Kevin and I met I was not looking or wanting any type of relationship, yet it came along and was the best part of my life. I am also realizing that I am set in my ways. I still carry a lot of the things that Kevin and I did together with me today. I still sleep on one side of the bed. I never lay on Kevin's side. Weird that I should think of it as Kevin's side, he never even saw this bed. I have been getting the back bedroom cleaned out and that is starting to actually look like something more than a storage room.
I am wanting more of a social life, just unsure how to go about it. I have decided that this summer I am going to take a trip after the intersession classes are over. This is going to be just for me and about me. I am thinking of going somewhere that I have never been before. A new adventure for a new me. What a crock, I do not like change and would not be comfortable in a place that is totally foreign to me. I may just make a trip to KC or New Orleans. I have also always wanted to go back to Savanna. All of these places Kevin and I have been to before! So much for new me. Well I have to get on with reality.
So much for my attempt to reenter the dating world. I have found that I am happy living alone. This has come as a surprise to me. I have never done well on my own in the past, and maybe that is why I have historically chosen the wrong person. When Kevin and I met I was not looking or wanting any type of relationship, yet it came along and was the best part of my life. I am also realizing that I am set in my ways. I still carry a lot of the things that Kevin and I did together with me today. I still sleep on one side of the bed. I never lay on Kevin's side. Weird that I should think of it as Kevin's side, he never even saw this bed. I have been getting the back bedroom cleaned out and that is starting to actually look like something more than a storage room.
I am wanting more of a social life, just unsure how to go about it. I have decided that this summer I am going to take a trip after the intersession classes are over. This is going to be just for me and about me. I am thinking of going somewhere that I have never been before. A new adventure for a new me. What a crock, I do not like change and would not be comfortable in a place that is totally foreign to me. I may just make a trip to KC or New Orleans. I have also always wanted to go back to Savanna. All of these places Kevin and I have been to before! So much for new me. Well I have to get on with reality.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Reflections
The last week has been one of sadness. Deloris, my Uncle Denny's girlfriend of several years Passed away on Friday due to complications of cancer. This has brought back all of the memories of losing Kevin. I decided not to attend the services. I did not wasn't to take away from her family with my inability to cope. This is turning out to be a worse Valentines Day that I had expected. I knew that it would be difficult. Fifteen years ago on Valentines Day Kevin put my ring on my finger. I have not taken it off, other that when I was in the hospital, since then. I even had his cut down and wear it with mine. I am wrestling with not wearing them any longer. I just feel that it is the final way to bury Kevin. I just can not bring myself to do it. Possibly I never will.
Kevin always made sure we went to dinner on Valentines Day. Even after Keith and Doris moved back. Valentines Day is their wedding anniversary. We always managed to find time for us to have our time alone. That was something I always took for granted. The last two years Kevin was alive we did not go out to dinner, he was doing the radiation and was too sick, last year we just were not up to it. i went to pick something up, probably Outback. I can not remember exactly. Kevin and I were together for so long that the time seems to run together, but it was not enough. No matter what we have it never seems enough, the time that was wasted can never be regained. That is the hardest lesson to learn. Waste anything but time.
Time is a commodity that we can never purchase more of or replenish in any way. Time is the ultimate teacher. I think of how little time fifteen years seems now, comp;aired to when I was twenty, then it seemed an eternity. Now I have a much more accurate idea of what eternity truly is. Lessons learned as one ages are the most valuable of all. The are the ones our parents try to tell us about before me have the hardship of learning them ourselves. Strange how the most important things must be learned through pain and loss. I guess that this is why youth is wasted on the young. I heard this so many times in my life and now I know how true it is.
Well I have to get some kitty love tome in for the day. I was gone for a long time today and they need a little extra loving for my tardiness. I get more out of it than they do anyway.
Kevin always made sure we went to dinner on Valentines Day. Even after Keith and Doris moved back. Valentines Day is their wedding anniversary. We always managed to find time for us to have our time alone. That was something I always took for granted. The last two years Kevin was alive we did not go out to dinner, he was doing the radiation and was too sick, last year we just were not up to it. i went to pick something up, probably Outback. I can not remember exactly. Kevin and I were together for so long that the time seems to run together, but it was not enough. No matter what we have it never seems enough, the time that was wasted can never be regained. That is the hardest lesson to learn. Waste anything but time.
Time is a commodity that we can never purchase more of or replenish in any way. Time is the ultimate teacher. I think of how little time fifteen years seems now, comp;aired to when I was twenty, then it seemed an eternity. Now I have a much more accurate idea of what eternity truly is. Lessons learned as one ages are the most valuable of all. The are the ones our parents try to tell us about before me have the hardship of learning them ourselves. Strange how the most important things must be learned through pain and loss. I guess that this is why youth is wasted on the young. I heard this so many times in my life and now I know how true it is.
Well I have to get some kitty love tome in for the day. I was gone for a long time today and they need a little extra loving for my tardiness. I get more out of it than they do anyway.
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
Life as it is now
I am well into school, getting the condo under control, getting kitty love, and getting past putting the house up for sale. I have come to realise that my life with Kevin was not in the house or even about the house. The house simply was the room under which it took place. I have been attempting to move forward with my life, but some days I am right back to the ER at Barns on January 17, 2008. That was the night we got the news that Kevin had the mass in his brain. I now understand that this will always be lurking in the shadows, waiting to come out and darken the day. I have come to accept that this is my life.
The days are full of things that have to be done, the details of life are taking my time. For this I am grateful. The days have a continuity that sooths me. The time I spend at the house is less and less, most of the time I do not even go inside, simply pick up the mail and leave. The house no longer reflects any of Kevin and my life there. It now is a neutral, open, empty building. it in no way reflects my home of 14 years. I can accept that as the condo becomes more and more mine. I have brought Kevin here with me but he is not prevalent here, this is my house and I alone reside here. I am getting more comfortable with this. I am feeling my independence returning. Strange how much of it was gone for so long. I relied on Kevin to take care of the things I simply did not want to, I could rely on him for everything I needed. I gave up my independence happily to him as he did his for me. We depended upon one another, and knew this was an absolute (not the vodka). I made a joke!
laughing is something that i use to take for granted, I mean truly joyfully. I had to fake it for so long. I am finding that happiness is not an unattainable goal. I am making decisions that were once made by us now I am feeling a confidence that I have not known for years. I am becoming more sure of myself and the things I choose. I am allowing myself to take risks that Kevin would have been comfortable with. Personal decisions that just effect me can only bring me satisfaction or dissatisfaction. Life is now about what makes me happy, I no longer have to worry about the implications, or replication's to others. I am finding my footing and making steps out on my own. I no longer set and wait for life to come to me, I go after it. The disappointments and successes are mine to live with. I am feeling more whole than I have in many, many months. I know that I am missing peaces and always will, without Kevin, but I can be as close to whole as possible, and that is not too bad.
The days are full of things that have to be done, the details of life are taking my time. For this I am grateful. The days have a continuity that sooths me. The time I spend at the house is less and less, most of the time I do not even go inside, simply pick up the mail and leave. The house no longer reflects any of Kevin and my life there. It now is a neutral, open, empty building. it in no way reflects my home of 14 years. I can accept that as the condo becomes more and more mine. I have brought Kevin here with me but he is not prevalent here, this is my house and I alone reside here. I am getting more comfortable with this. I am feeling my independence returning. Strange how much of it was gone for so long. I relied on Kevin to take care of the things I simply did not want to, I could rely on him for everything I needed. I gave up my independence happily to him as he did his for me. We depended upon one another, and knew this was an absolute (not the vodka). I made a joke!
laughing is something that i use to take for granted, I mean truly joyfully. I had to fake it for so long. I am finding that happiness is not an unattainable goal. I am making decisions that were once made by us now I am feeling a confidence that I have not known for years. I am becoming more sure of myself and the things I choose. I am allowing myself to take risks that Kevin would have been comfortable with. Personal decisions that just effect me can only bring me satisfaction or dissatisfaction. Life is now about what makes me happy, I no longer have to worry about the implications, or replication's to others. I am finding my footing and making steps out on my own. I no longer set and wait for life to come to me, I go after it. The disappointments and successes are mine to live with. I am feeling more whole than I have in many, many months. I know that I am missing peaces and always will, without Kevin, but I can be as close to whole as possible, and that is not too bad.
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
The past 5 months
Kevin has been gone for 5 months in 2 days. I am amazed at how much in my life has changed, both voluntarily and involuntarily. I can not believe that things would take on this shape. I am completely out of the house and it should be listed by this weekend. I can go in and leave now without crying or feeling utter devastation. Thinking of Kevin does not always bring me to tears. I can look at photos of us and of him and simply remember the good times. I am starting to get my memory of the weeks following his death back. How accurate they are I am unsure. I am even starting to think of a future for myself. I have even given thought of what the possibilities with someone else could be.
The past is no longer a stone around my neck holding me down. It is what is should be warmth and happy memories that lift me up. I have days when the sadness sweeps over me without warning, but they are fewer and fewer. I do at least know as it is happening and can sometimes calm the storm before it is out of control. I actually have days when I am actually happy at times. I would never have believed this was possible a few months ago. I have to say the grief counseling I went to helped me more than I ever thought possible. I have learned to let go of resentments that do nothing but hurt me. I was told by one of the grievers in the group that Wasted emotion is not something we can afford to do at this time. I am actually a calmer person as a whole now. I still have not the patients that my mother always said were important.
I am getting my life under control as a whole and the outward sign of this is my home. I am making headway in getting things put away and making the place functional. I always was an organized person but that was lost with Kevin. Now that I am taking control of things and not just letting life carry me I feel as if I am finally living again and not simply existing. So maybe that is the sign of my recovery progressing I am once again living. I feel as if I am part of the world and not just an outside watching it all happen. I am giving myself permission to be happy again and to look for that happiness. Kevin will always be the love of my life and I would give anything to have him back, I know this will never change. I can not sit and let everything he did to make sure that I could go on living was in vain. That would be a travesty, and dishonor to his memory.
The past is no longer a stone around my neck holding me down. It is what is should be warmth and happy memories that lift me up. I have days when the sadness sweeps over me without warning, but they are fewer and fewer. I do at least know as it is happening and can sometimes calm the storm before it is out of control. I actually have days when I am actually happy at times. I would never have believed this was possible a few months ago. I have to say the grief counseling I went to helped me more than I ever thought possible. I have learned to let go of resentments that do nothing but hurt me. I was told by one of the grievers in the group that Wasted emotion is not something we can afford to do at this time. I am actually a calmer person as a whole now. I still have not the patients that my mother always said were important.
I am getting my life under control as a whole and the outward sign of this is my home. I am making headway in getting things put away and making the place functional. I always was an organized person but that was lost with Kevin. Now that I am taking control of things and not just letting life carry me I feel as if I am finally living again and not simply existing. So maybe that is the sign of my recovery progressing I am once again living. I feel as if I am part of the world and not just an outside watching it all happen. I am giving myself permission to be happy again and to look for that happiness. Kevin will always be the love of my life and I would give anything to have him back, I know this will never change. I can not sit and let everything he did to make sure that I could go on living was in vain. That would be a travesty, and dishonor to his memory.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
New additions
I adopted a couple of kittens last week. They are sisters and both black. They have a lot of life in them and it flows into the condo. The house is empty except for a few odds and ends. It is very empty. It is no longer a home to me anyway. I can still see glimpses of the life Kevin and I shared in our home. Glimpses are all that are left there. Most of the memories are within me, photos and some trinkets also bring back the times when I was not alone. I am adjusting to this new way of living slowly but I am at least adjusting. My life is my own now and what I make of it is up to me and me alone. I am finding that being alone is easier and easier as time goes by. I am no longer shying away from social groups and actually had a good time on Saturday at the happy hour.
I am even contemplating going out for a while tonight. I am starting to like the idea of having fun again without too much guilt. Kevin would not want me to sit alone for the rest of my life. I am not sure how Kevin would have dealt with being the one left, but I have some ideas. I would not want him to be alone and make his life all about reliving the past. So I must stop it as well.
I am even contemplating going out for a while tonight. I am starting to like the idea of having fun again without too much guilt. Kevin would not want me to sit alone for the rest of my life. I am not sure how Kevin would have dealt with being the one left, but I have some ideas. I would not want him to be alone and make his life all about reliving the past. So I must stop it as well.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Moving forward but not on
Today was an exercise in self control. It started off with the power being out. I was suppose to be in class at 8am and the power did not come on until 8:15. The garage does not have a way of opening the door other than with the automatic door opener. I did finally make it to class but at the very end! It was the basic PE so not much was missed. I went by the apa and looked at 2 of the cutest little black kittens. They are sisters and only 3 months old. I am really torn about this. i really just want one, but they are sooooo cute together. I am having reservations about adopting even one of them. I am not sure that I am ready to take care of anything other than myself. On the flip side I may be better by concentrating on caring for something else that needs me again. I am lonely in the condo. When I come home the place is so lifeless. The house at least had memories tied to it of the best times of my life.
I have reconnected with Rick, a fried from high school. He is my age and we have a lot of things in common. Nothing beyond friendship will happen there. He wants to get into a long term relationship, and I am as far from that as one could be. He also has a son who is 18, and in high school. I am really not up to dealing with a teenager. I have also reconnected with some other high school friends. The circle of life continues upon itself. I feel as lonely and distant from everything as I did in my teen years. I have not the youth and confidence to go through the those trials and tribulations again. Oh well it could be worse, I could be pregnant.
I have reconnected with Rick, a fried from high school. He is my age and we have a lot of things in common. Nothing beyond friendship will happen there. He wants to get into a long term relationship, and I am as far from that as one could be. He also has a son who is 18, and in high school. I am really not up to dealing with a teenager. I have also reconnected with some other high school friends. The circle of life continues upon itself. I feel as lonely and distant from everything as I did in my teen years. I have not the youth and confidence to go through the those trials and tribulations again. Oh well it could be worse, I could be pregnant.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Anniversary to forget
Today is the second anniversary of Kevin going into the hospital and being diagnosed with the tumor. Life has defiantly not turned out as I had planed. I never thought that I would be the one to outlive Kevin. Last year on this date we were suppose to go to Phoenix. Except Kevin contracted the flu and we were at home, he was miserable. That seemed to be the beginning of the most horrific year of my life. He never really recovered from the setbacks that cascaded upon us after that. He did not want to be in St. Louis for the anniversary of his diagnosis and it really defeated him that he was unable to escape, even if for a few days. I never held out much hope that he would recover and yet his death was a shock. I recently heard a quote form Patric Swazey's widow, along the lines of the knowledge that your loved one is dieing the finality of the end is no less devastating. I could not agree with her more. I can look back and say yes his decline was easily tracked, but I did not want to see it. I knew in my head that he was going to die, but my heart was an entirely different manor. I remember that when he did pass I was in such shock that i really did not believe it. I just went through the motions and believed that he would get up out of the casket and say it was all a terrible joke. the joke was on me. I am just now coming to terms with the reality that my life is without him now. No one knows what the future will hold.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
The last of life's treasures
Today, with the aid of many others I was able to get the rest of the stuff out of the house and into the condo. Only a few small items remain that will be better transported in the car. Looking at the home I shared with Kevin for almost 14 years was strange to say the least. Nothing of us really remains except for the downstairs. All of the upstairs rooms, except the kitchen are painted a soothing light tan. The rooms look large and bright. The intimacy of our home no longer exists. I sometimes regret leaving the house. I have made decisions that are truly for my best. I have to let go of the notion that Kevin and I have a home or life together any longer. I have to move on. This is what I tell my head, my heart is another matter. I still long for the sound of Kevin shaving and getting ready for work in the morning, his asking me what is for dinner, and rolling his eyes at the answer. The way he would come up and hug me while I was using a knife or at the stove. I always thought he had a death wish at those times. The way he would listen to my latest crazy idea, or smile when he heard about my day. I miss him telling me what happened at work, or the new thing he want to investigate.
Looking back those are what made our life so ordinary, and yet they are also what made it so extraordinary. I saw something on Facebook about the ordinary day being what parents miss the most when children leave. I know form experience that is what you miss when your mate leaves as well. We adjust to a new ordinary as time goes by. With Kevin and I it was moving through the stages of his illness. I had to try to make the changes in routine as close to ordinary as possible so we could both keep our sanity. Kevin tried as well. Sometimes we tried too hard and overlooked the obvious.
The need to keep the ordinary sometimes forced us to loose out on the extraordinary. Kevin and I had wanted to go to Europe for years, it was one of those things that we would do someday. I now understand that one should never put off one's hearts desire until someday, in most cases it never comes and all you are left with is the regret, and loss. If everything that has happened in my life has taught me anything it is to live in the moment. Tomorrow, if it comes, may be too late for the dreams of today. We all make these choices and realise too late that they were not the correct ones. Time is the greatest commodity we have and when it is run out no more can be bought, fought, or bargained for. Time is a finite and once your allotment is used up it is gone for good. So remember the ordinary, it is what we will have the most amount of and it gives us comfort and security. The extraordinary is to be strive and fought for, because without it we can never realize just how wonderful the ordinary truly is.
Looking back those are what made our life so ordinary, and yet they are also what made it so extraordinary. I saw something on Facebook about the ordinary day being what parents miss the most when children leave. I know form experience that is what you miss when your mate leaves as well. We adjust to a new ordinary as time goes by. With Kevin and I it was moving through the stages of his illness. I had to try to make the changes in routine as close to ordinary as possible so we could both keep our sanity. Kevin tried as well. Sometimes we tried too hard and overlooked the obvious.
The need to keep the ordinary sometimes forced us to loose out on the extraordinary. Kevin and I had wanted to go to Europe for years, it was one of those things that we would do someday. I now understand that one should never put off one's hearts desire until someday, in most cases it never comes and all you are left with is the regret, and loss. If everything that has happened in my life has taught me anything it is to live in the moment. Tomorrow, if it comes, may be too late for the dreams of today. We all make these choices and realise too late that they were not the correct ones. Time is the greatest commodity we have and when it is run out no more can be bought, fought, or bargained for. Time is a finite and once your allotment is used up it is gone for good. So remember the ordinary, it is what we will have the most amount of and it gives us comfort and security. The extraordinary is to be strive and fought for, because without it we can never realize just how wonderful the ordinary truly is.
Friday, January 08, 2010
Phoenix
I arrived on Wednesday and the warm weather is wonderful. MY knees and hip have not bothered me at all while I am here. Just been laying around and doing fun stuff. Katie is a riot. She is razor sharp smart as well. I was helping her study for a spelling test last night, and she knew all 20 words! Some were same sounding words that are spelled different, like fair, and fare. I defiantly would have not done so well at 7. Let's be realistic I could not do so well at 41. It was strange to be on the plane without Kevin. I sat next to 2 elderly ladies and they were sleeping most of the way.
Even when I wake up here it is strange without Kevin. At home I have gotten use to him not being there. Here it is a starting again experience. I see Katie and all she does and can not help but think that Kevin would have enjoyed it so. He always got sick while we were here for at least a couple of days, except for the last time in 2007. Well he had the tumor but we did not know it then. this was the last trip that he was still fully mobile. We went to Branson for Christmas with the Eckhoff bunch after Christmas. Kevin was really having trouble walking by then, I remember we walked all over Silver Dollar City in the freezing and he was limping terribly. It was also colder than a witches @%&.
I have those times to remember as not being overshadowed with the tumor.
Even when I wake up here it is strange without Kevin. At home I have gotten use to him not being there. Here it is a starting again experience. I see Katie and all she does and can not help but think that Kevin would have enjoyed it so. He always got sick while we were here for at least a couple of days, except for the last time in 2007. Well he had the tumor but we did not know it then. this was the last trip that he was still fully mobile. We went to Branson for Christmas with the Eckhoff bunch after Christmas. Kevin was really having trouble walking by then, I remember we walked all over Silver Dollar City in the freezing and he was limping terribly. It was also colder than a witches @%&.
I have those times to remember as not being overshadowed with the tumor.
Tuesday, January 05, 2010
2010
It has been a few days. I went to Joey's for the weekend and it was calmer than usual the girls were at their dad's and one of the foster kids is no longer there. On the plus side Kayden and his mom are still there. I managed to get my baby fix so I am good for a while. Jackson is getting taller and skinner. Zack is getting bigger also. Missed the girls, and the chaos that is associated with Zack and his sisters. It was a good visit, and distraction from life as it is now. I leave for Phoenix tomorrow, and come back on Monday. School starts the following week and I will be forced to create a schedule. This should help me considerably.
Yesterday was my Mom's birthday, it was also exactly 4 months since Kevin's death. I was overwhelmed by the day. I could not get Kevin off my mind. I knew that it was not going to be a good day. I did manage to get the condo ready for visitors. Bill did the trim painting and it looks wonderful! I look around and only see what I need to do and sometimes it seems that just seems endless. I have to get things in perspective, and organized and keep on task. When I was taking care of Kevin I had no option but to keep on task and schedule. Kevin made sure of it. I sometimes wish he would have left me a schedule to have things done by, maybe then I would feel more necessity in getting things done on time.
Not keeping on track is not like me at all. I was always the one on time and now I can not get anywhere on time. This has been very frustrating to me, and does not help the depression. Tonight is the last of my weekly Grief group sessions. There will be monthly meetings. They do not get as intense and usually have a lot more people. I still withdraw form large groups and have began to realise that I am withdrawing even in small groups. I no longer engage in a conversation unless it is directed to me. I really have no desire to be in a group that I have much chance of having to engage someone. I find that I do not get lonely because of this. I find that the loneliness is never ending and I am starting to accept this. I have to say that I am a much calmer person, and my temper while always just under the surface is harder to get riled up. Well all in all I am very disconnected to everyone and everything. I find that being by myself is far easier that keeping up the farce that that I am doing any better. The pain is just as sharp as the morning Kevin died. I have realised that one only learns to mask it not that it lessens.
I use to wonder why my Grandma Carter never had anyone else in her life after Grandpa died. She was a relatively young woman. I think only in her late forties. I now understand why she did this. Simply, it is not worth the effort. How can I expect anyone else to be a part of my life when I already have someone in it.
Yesterday was my Mom's birthday, it was also exactly 4 months since Kevin's death. I was overwhelmed by the day. I could not get Kevin off my mind. I knew that it was not going to be a good day. I did manage to get the condo ready for visitors. Bill did the trim painting and it looks wonderful! I look around and only see what I need to do and sometimes it seems that just seems endless. I have to get things in perspective, and organized and keep on task. When I was taking care of Kevin I had no option but to keep on task and schedule. Kevin made sure of it. I sometimes wish he would have left me a schedule to have things done by, maybe then I would feel more necessity in getting things done on time.
Not keeping on track is not like me at all. I was always the one on time and now I can not get anywhere on time. This has been very frustrating to me, and does not help the depression. Tonight is the last of my weekly Grief group sessions. There will be monthly meetings. They do not get as intense and usually have a lot more people. I still withdraw form large groups and have began to realise that I am withdrawing even in small groups. I no longer engage in a conversation unless it is directed to me. I really have no desire to be in a group that I have much chance of having to engage someone. I find that I do not get lonely because of this. I find that the loneliness is never ending and I am starting to accept this. I have to say that I am a much calmer person, and my temper while always just under the surface is harder to get riled up. Well all in all I am very disconnected to everyone and everything. I find that being by myself is far easier that keeping up the farce that that I am doing any better. The pain is just as sharp as the morning Kevin died. I have realised that one only learns to mask it not that it lessens.
I use to wonder why my Grandma Carter never had anyone else in her life after Grandpa died. She was a relatively young woman. I think only in her late forties. I now understand why she did this. Simply, it is not worth the effort. How can I expect anyone else to be a part of my life when I already have someone in it.
Sunday, January 03, 2010
A new year, decade, and life
I am still having a lot of trouble missing Kevin over the past couple of weeks. Monday is my mom's birthday, the only thing I can think of is Kevin died 5 months ago Monday. I do not know why this is setting in so hard. I can not get away from it. This weekend away left me a lot of time to think about things and realise that I must try to get a plan for my future. Not necessarily a multi year forecast, but at least for the next 6 months.
The only things I am sure of are school, selling the house, working on getting my sugars under control, and letting myself at least try to feel some happiness. I really do not see how that is going to be accomplished. I have to try. Without getting some happiness in my life I have not the will to even get out of bed. I see the commercials about rescuing animals and the cats call out to me. I know that I am not ready to have that kind of responsibility yet, if ever. Everything that I have loved and been responsible for the past few years is dead. I have a little guilt over the whole situation. Some of the most joyous moments of my life were with Kevin and the cats. They were my family and now they are all gone. I feel at lose ends and without any direction. just trying not to cry most of the time is getting to me too much.
The only things I am sure of are school, selling the house, working on getting my sugars under control, and letting myself at least try to feel some happiness. I really do not see how that is going to be accomplished. I have to try. Without getting some happiness in my life I have not the will to even get out of bed. I see the commercials about rescuing animals and the cats call out to me. I know that I am not ready to have that kind of responsibility yet, if ever. Everything that I have loved and been responsible for the past few years is dead. I have a little guilt over the whole situation. Some of the most joyous moments of my life were with Kevin and the cats. They were my family and now they are all gone. I feel at lose ends and without any direction. just trying not to cry most of the time is getting to me too much.
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