Summer plans change

I am taking over the van driver position for Charlie for the next 3 months. He is due to be back at the beginning of August. I am going to put the money I am making away and do something for me like going to the big Ford show in Michigan. I am still unsure about this. I am making decisions that are all for me and am happy about it. Once again I am helping others but have put limits on it. One thing I have decided to do is make sure my needs are always in my planning and acceptance of other things. I am getting ready to head to a car show and swap meet today in Ofallon Il. I am planning my future and doing it so that I am happy alone but could include someone if it happens. I am making my life about me and realizing that it is o k to do so.
Kenny

All over again

Been a busy week. Keith, Kevin's brother was sent to the hospital on Easter with seizures. Before the week was out he had large tumour removed and it is the same type of brain cancer Kevin had. The mass was in a different location so the effects are different, and the stranger thing is he had this while Kevin was still alive! He has a better prognosis than Kevin so a little hope is there.
The memories it has brought back have not been bad. I can look back now and see that more like a movie. I can look at what was happening and better understand why Kevin and I did the things we did and made the decisions we made. I can also look back and not just remember the devastation. Through it all we had each other, and the love we shared. The love is still there now and I believe it always will be.
that was Sunday to Thursday on Friday my sisters husband had a triple heart bypass. He is recovering nicely and so far has had no complications. I leave on Tuesday for Phoenix and a road trip back with Ed in a 26 ft box truck!

Keeping up

Busy few days ahead. Dentist this morning, stuff at Karin's this afternoon, and tomorrow the Dr and Food Outreach. I am feeling like it is time to start doing more at Food Outreach. Kevin has been gone for a year and a half. I am back to my new normal and feel as close to my old self as I ever will. I am in better physical shape than I have been in many years and overall feel good. I am looking forward to this summer and having some adventures. Not as adventurous as I use to be but I am just going to be 43 and that is the new 33 right, Oprah said so!

The new start

Wow, it has been a while.
I am getting on with my life and doing it with a purpose. I have decided to put a book together of my life during Kevin's illness and the aftermath of it. I am going to include his posts from this blog as well as a journal, or I should say journals that I kept from just after he became ill up to the present. I hope to have this done by the end of summer and will attempt to keep this more up to date.

Kenny

Almost 2011

I have had a few busy months. School is finished for the semester, Christmas and the holidays are over. I have finally gotten back to me. It was a long time coming but I am as close to Kenny as I will ever be again. the anniversary of Kevin's death was very difficult and I chose to seek some professional counseling. It was very helpful. I have finally come to realise that I should feel no guilt or sense of betrayal when pursuing my life. Kevin is gone and while he will always be a part of my life he is no longer an active part of it. I have had to forgive others for things that I once thought were unforgivable. I realise that they are the ones that carry the burden of unfulfilled promise. I am to let myself be open to the possibilities of meeting someone again and building a life with him. If this happens great if not then I am just as happy alone.
The hardest thing is letting go of anger and fear. Once the fear is gone the anger dissipates. I am looking forward to a trip to San Francisco for New Years, and to the rest of my adventures yet to come.

Fall's Cool Briskness

Made it through the first set of tests at school and did OK. the knee situation is getting resolved, saw the orthopedic, and having an MRI on the 5Th. The school semester is almost half over and is flying by! Having mostly good days and starting to feel as though I am finally moving on in my life. I am self aware of the difficulties that I put out for myself and am really trying to fix them. That is all for now just this quick update.

Fairwell to Summer Hello to Fall

The end of summer is quickly approaching and fall is looming. I
am having problems with my left knee. The Dr. referred me to an
orthopedic, who I will see at the end of the month. I am pretty sure
that surgery is in my near future. The cool weather will be a welcome
relief to the electric bill. Fall is a good time for me, I like the
cool weather for sleeping, the allergies are kinda bad but the trade
off is worth it. I have also decided to get myself into shape
physical. My diabetes is not under control and my weight is up. I
have to start doing the bike again. This is something I am doing for
me. The last year has been about Kevin, this next one is about
getting me into shape. I have been trying to start over from the
point I am at now. This is not a point that I can try to reclaim my
previous life from. I have to get to a point that I can feel
comfortable with myself around men that I am attracted to again. I
know what I have to do in order to get what I want and have made my
mind up to do it.
I feel a little like my old self now that I am realizing that
life is not as complicated as I have made it.