What in the hell is wrong with me !

I hve been doing pretty good latley, untill I turned the TV off last night. I was finished with the bike and when I closed the cabinet doors the tears gust started. this was without warnning. I had this grief just it me like a Mack truck. I could not stop cryin or my mind racing from one regrett to another. I do not like not to be in control and this was just pittiful. The only way to cope was to take a sleeping pill and just knok myself out. This morning is a little better. I wonder if it has to do with the rings not being done, the weather, not being able to get a handel on the house, or what? I do know this has to stop or I will not recover. This is the worst since of emptyness since Kevin actualy died. Actuallythis is worse than when he died. I had a plan and thngs to acomplish that could not be put off. I had a since of urgency and usefulness. Now nothing is urgent and I feel as if I am taking up space and air that could go to better uses. What I would not give to have 15 minutes more with him in a lucid state.