The Business of Death must go on

The day began at 4:15 AM today. The cats insisted on being fed right then. Well sleep deprivation has proven get me moving on the tasks that need to be done. I have moved the dresser,cleaned and organized the desk. I have been looking at condos that have open houses tomorrow, and there is quit a selection out there. I am starting to discover why I have been so depressed about Kevin this past week. His birthday is right around the corner and this is going to sound strange but I am getting back into the routine we kept for the past 2 years. I am getting on the bike after dinner and coming upstairs about 9 or 10. This was when we talked about what we were going to do the next day. I am missing this time to use him as a sound board. This is also the way I could judge how he felt. Kevin would have several things to do if he was feeling well, and did not want to make or have me make any plans if he wasn't.
I am trying to keep up a life that no longer exists. This is something that has to change. I have to find the kind of life I am going to have now. I always said Kevin was resistant to changes, but what most do not know, I am also. The older I get the more set in my ways I become. The past 2 years have been one upheaval after another. My center is off and I do not feel grounded, or even keeled. Things have taken on a life of their own, and continue with or without me. This is not something that I am use to.
When Kevin was alive I usualy set the pace, or Kevin and I set it together. Kevin's illness turned our world upside down. Now half of my world is no longer here, and the upheaval still continues. Most days I just do not want to get out of bed, or even wake up. The demands of the cats make me move. Without the little demanding monsters I would probably stay in bed most of the time. Wallowing in self pitty that is so easy for me to do. I have to realize that I am lucky. Kevin and I had 15 years, most people don't have that. We managed to stay together and depend on each other. The past 2 years were a true testament to our commitment. The good times were far outweighed by the bad during his illness. Yet I am starting to forget a lot of the bad, and the good is standing out more than when he was alive. Maybe that is what truly makes our bod and commitment. Many couples end up seperating during such a difficul time. I never once thought about not takeing care of him. Many times I wanted to run away and never look back. The thought of Kevin being alone faceing this was to horrific to contimplate. Our strength was with one another. Whe together we held ourselves up and took strength from each other. Each givving all he had, and sometimes more.
I am still so angry at the lack of recognition of our relationship. Kevin was also. He felt estremly slighted by those who would not accept us. I gues that is where a lot of my aner comes from. People who look at us as undeserving of recognition, and respect. Straight couples who go through this are given no extra prais, they are expected to do it. Many do not hold up to their end of the bargin. Kevin and I made a commitment to be together through the good the bad and the ugly. We stayed true to our life and bult one that is envied by many people we know and just aquanted with. I can only think of 10 couples that have made it as long as we did. Most of those are gay, and lesbian What does that say for the tru meaning of marriage?