Weekend Work

aThis weekend has been busy, both physically and mentally. I had to replace the washer, luckily my cousin let me borrow his until I figure out where I am moving to. Dave helped me get it, then I hooked it up by myself. I did not loose my temper when the hoses were not long enough to reach, I just went to Home Depot and got some longer ones. Got it leveled and did 4 loads of laundry before going to bed. Quite an accomplishment for someone who's first home project was putting a plunger on the storm door 2 years ago. I've come a long way baby! Well not that far. Found some photos of Kevin's family that he had overlooked. I am going to take them to his parents this afternoon if the rain holds off. I actually smiled yesterday when I started the washer. I thought Kevin would have been proud of me. That is the first time in a long time that thinking of him did not make me cry, or miss him even more.
Friday night was not too bad. I went to sleep and had a dream about Kevin, don't remember much other than he was healthy in it, and laughing. Saturday morning I woke up and cried, as usual, but was not sad. I realise that what I have been doing by analysing everything between Kevin and I was simply trying to find a way to discount our life together. Doing that would make it OK to keep reliving the past. I realise that the past is the past and almost all the answer es to my questions were staring me in the face. I thought about how Kevin nearly destroyed himself trying to live a lie until he was almost 30. I can remember him telling me often that he used the drinking to dull everything. Once he was able to reconcile himself that being gay was not his choice but how he was made allowed him to stop abusing alcohol, and start to focus on himself. This was a terrifying change for Kevin he was unsure if his family would disown him or not. He also knew that he wanted to live his life in truth and not hide who he was. That took an immense amount of strength and courage. He was willing to remove his entire life instead of living a lie. He wanted to live openly with someone who he loved and build a life with him. Well we all know how that turned out. After about 5 years of falling for men who were unavailable in one form or another we found one another.
Putting all of this into my journal forced me to see that Kevin would not have lived a lie again no matter the cost. I had to realise that I had to take us for face value. Kevin loved me and worried about me more than himself. I think he was far more worried about how I would survive his death than actually dieing. He always wanted to care for those he loved, and he make sure that he took care of my finical needs after he was gone. He could not help me with my emotional needs then, it is up to me to do that. Kevin was very in control of most things around him. I still am amazed at how most people thought he was just a quiet accountant. He was in control of our life most of the time. I did the things I wanted to do because Kevin supported almost everything I did. He did not always like or agree with it but he supported me not the issue. Kevin took great pride in being open about our relationship, and liked the fact that some people were envious of us. Yes Kevin was a little bit of a snob. But so am I. Kevin rarely let me know if what I was or was not doing bothered him . That is unless I asked. He was content to sit and watch me change and grow, evolving into the man I am from the boy I was when we met. I think in many ways Kevin guided me into going back to school, becoming more how shall we say politically voiced. I always knew if he was pleased or not by his eyes. Most of my antics made them sparkle. Some of them would make them stormy, and he would not look at me so I could gage him.
Well I have went on and on this time. I will end by saying that my doubts abut Kevin and wither or not he truly loved me have been answered. Kevin did not just love me, I now realise that he cherished me. Funny word cherished, but it fits.