7 Week Later

I can hardly believe that Kevin has been gone 7 weeks today. I think about him every day. Sometimes I forget he is gone when I first wake up or in the middle of the night. The reality is always waiting to remind me he is gone. I am not sure what to do with my self lately. In January school will start and that will take up some of my time. Today I volunteered at Food Outreach and answered the phones, did a mailing. The busy work kept my mind off of my life for a while. It is good to get back into the world again. I have to remember that it will take time, and let's face it I have always been so patient. HAHAHA!! Some days are better than others. I have decided to judge them by how I feel at bedtime. If I a crying myself to sleep it has not been a good one. I think that is fair.
I had to get some new pants today and ended up going to Tuckers for dinner. funny how when you are eating at a restaurant alone people around you refuse to make eye contact. As if you have a large peace of spinach hanging out of your mouth and you are growing a horn out of your forehead. This has always amazed me. Eating alone in a restaurant has never bothered me and still doesn't. Just an observation. Life moves on with or without me, now I feel that I need to catch up to the here and now. I have been trying to live in the past, that is not life just memories. Images of our life, one can not live in a world that no longer exists. It can not be healthy. Sure a delusion is OK now and again, but please! I am going to make an effort to go into in the world of the living a little more. That is what I have to do. Kevin would be disappointed if I just gave up and quit. Probably not surprised, but disappointed none the less. He did go to great lengths to provide for me after all. Not something he would have bothered with if he did not want me to get on with living after he was gone.
He told me 2 days before he died that his dieing was alright. I have not figured it out yet but I am not he sharpest knife in the drawer after all. I guess that I have been searching or the note I thought Kevin would have left for me with some directions on how to get on without him He micromanaged everything else. I guess he thought I was grown up enough to figure things out for myself. I will in time but for now just figuring out how to get everything done on my list without loosing the list is a challenge. I have so become Kevin in my need for lists and organization. His influence is strong. He trained me well. If only I could balance my checkbook. That always was beyond me. But now with the Internet you don't have to wait for the pink notices to come before you start to charge tings.
Well that is my comments for the day.
Kenny