Monday Night Madness

Last night was not so good. I had a hard time focusing on anything. I feel as is everything I do becomes too much to deal with. Even sleep. I fell asleep between 1130 and midnight, then up at 4 AM. This is not a good sign of my mental state. I am noticing that the simplest tasks are becoming overwhelming. I want to leave and just keep going. I remind myself that Kevin's' death will follow me anywhere I go. I feel as if I have been watching life as if it were a movie for the last few months. None of seems real to me. I can no longer pretend that Kevin will come home. The times he was in the extended care facility were difficult, but I know that he was coming home. In some way I have been pretending that he is there. The deception has reached it's end. I started to realize what I was doing on Saturday night. When I came home and before I even got out of the car Corrected myself about calling him and giving a synopsis of the evening. It amazes me that I have actually been doing this to myself. I guess it is just a copping mechanism.
I am suppose to go to a group grief counseling tonight. Hopefully I will make it. Something has to start changing, this horror can not go on much longer. I feel as though nothing is left for me. I did make Kevin the world, especially over the past 2 years. Now the world is gone and starting over is simply more that I can cope with right now. I really want to run away for all of this but that is not possible.
This is not the way it was suppose to be. I never anticipated Kevin dyeing first. I was suppose to go first. That is what the plan was from the start. I was prepared for that outcome. Even though I was doing better I still believed that I should go first. I was so dependent on Kevin that my coping abilities are almost non existent. Even after everything had happened with the tumor and infections, I really did not think he was going to die, until the Wednesday before he left. I told him that I was not relay ready for this, his response was that everything would be alright. He had no clue. Nothing is ever going to be alright again, not for me anyway. Fifteen years is a long time to expect something and then it gets reversed on you. That is not alright, nothing is alright with Kevin's death. I am so dam angry at everything and everyone I see with their spouse. It just makes me feel more alone than before. I know being angry with someone just because their life has not been riped away is not good or fair. I relay don't care.
The worst is when someone tels me that they understand, when they have no clue. The only people that can understand have gone through the same loss as me.