My First Grief Session

I went the my first group session last night. I did find it helpful only 2 others were their. I realise that I am not alone in the feelings and questions I have. The doubts are common, and actually normal. One of the other widowers listened to me talk about Kevin and the issues I had. He pointed out that Kevin put his integrity and morals above everything, so how could he have lived a lie. Kevin realized before we met that he had to accept that he was gay and it was OK. He refused to be closeted. That was the last time he lived a lie, and suppressed himself. That was also one of the reasons Kevin quit drinking. He could not control it, but he no longer needed to dull the pain of not accepting himself. Once he did this he no longer needed to drink to mask the pain. I have been told this same thing by friends and family. Hearing it from a stranger, with no emotional ties, made it real.
When I came home I reread the journal I started after Kevin's birthday last year. In it I realized that everyone was right. Kevin withdrew the sicker he became. I thought this was his way of telling me he did not love me, and was unhappy with our life. I now can realize that this is a normal process in dyeing. The times he told me to leave, of which were many, he was lashing out at the only person he knew he could count on. I would never have left him. I did think about it on several occasions, but I knew he needed me and no one else could give him the love that I could. I did not have the skills to take care of him in the best way. I did what I could, I only hope Kevin understood that. Many times he told me that I was selfish, and I began to believe him. I guess part of me still does. I am here ad he is gone.
I finally went to bed after 1 AM, and Kevin was there. Not like before, when I just sensed his presence. He started at the foot of the bed and I talked to him and he moved to his side of the bed, then held his hand out I could feel the warmth on my had. I talked with him, well I asked questions. The communication from him was not verbal, his response was in what he did. I asked him if he was happy in our life together, and if I was doing the right thing on some issues. The answer came when I asked him to hold me one more time. I rolled over on my side, and could feel hi warmth against me and his arms around me. Not in a physical way just the warmth and security I always had when he wrapped me in his embrace. I fell asleep almost immediately, had the most restful sleep. My dreams were about Kevin and I doing some of the things we loved to do.
I know this sounds silly, and I probably imagined the entire thing, but it was very real to me. I think Kevin wants me to go on and try to lead a full life. I do feel that he will always be with me in some form. He will always take care of me. He will always watch over me, and try to keep me safe.
I feel that Kevin is in a better place, one without the pain, mental, and physical impairments that dictated his life in the end. I truly hope this is true, because if it is not I could not go on. I still do not know if I can survive without him.