6 weeks after

Firday was 6 weeks since Kevin died. It seems an eternity, and at the same time like it was just moments ago. My mind wonders between what could have been and what if's. These 2 things can tear you apart. I went to a Birthday Party at Chillies' in Fenton for one of Charlie's nephews. I had a good evening, until time to come home. I was listening to the song "My Immortal" by Evanescence. The line tat brought me to tears was "now I'm bound by the life you left behind." That sums up how I feel. Comming into an empty house alone is the worst. This use to be our home, that is gone. I have no home, just a house that is empty and without warmth. The bleakness that I feel every time I come back here is getting palatable. I am not sure if I can leave here but I know if I don't the memories and doubts will consume me. After having by little hysterical balling fit, I went to bed. Sleep was not a friend. I dreamed in a restless sleep. Dreams are not remembered, only the feelings that I somehow could have done something different, better, or have been a stronger person and that would have made a difference somehow. I know in my mind this is not so. I did the best I could, it may not have been good enough, but it was all I had.
Sunday was not too bad during the day. I went to another BD party at O'Charlies. This was Heathers' 30th. I was fine until on the way home knowing that I had to return here. I was able to at least keep myself together until later in the evening. The emptiness and doubt that are my constant companion are tearing away at my core. I gave everything I had to Kevin and now have nothing good for myself left. I am left with anger, loneliness, emptiness, and unending grief. I feel that for evry step taken for ward, I am pushed back 4 more. This is a battle I can not hope to win. Just how long can this go on before something gives. I am at a point that I really don't care which way it goes anymore. Things just can not stay where they are, the situation is imposiable to live with. I am just so tired of feeling I have nothing to look forward to. I really do not consider this living, it is exhausting.