All Hollows Eve

The trip to Jasper was really good. The kids were a lot of fun. Jackson is getting tall. Zack is becoming more of a teenage boy, Abby went to a sleep over, and Izzy, well she is Izzy, Kaden is skinny and running not walking everywhere, he looks like a drunk Elmo in his red sweats, and Savanna and Ashley are teenage girls. The house was full of people when we arrived. I had a fun time with the staggering Elmo baby. Mom and Teresa played with the kids who were not preoccupied with other kids. We all got to bed about 11:30. It was so strange to not have the cats in bed with me. I had a dream about Kevin, and something he was doing to our house. I can not remember what it was exactly, but he was his old self working on a project too complicated for me.
We left from Carthage, went to Wal-mart to get some stuff for the kids. Joey went in his car and we left from there. This avoided the dreaded Jackson crying and balling scene, by mom and Teresa. The drive home was really good, the Sonata got over 29MPG. Drooped Teresa and Mom off and went home to get ready for the Halloween Party. I fed the cats, left, and arrived at 6. the party was fun. I was the only person not it costume. To be exact I was the only single person, and the only man!! I guess that I was the Token for the evening. Got to mingle and eat, talked with Carolyn about starting the condo hunt. She is going to end me some listings today, or tomorrow.
Left about 9:45, came home and collapsed. I did remember to set most of the clocks back an hour. I woke up at 3 am missing Kevin desperately, turned on the i-pod and just balled or about an hour. Had some restless sleep until I got up and fed the cats at 5. Wrote in my journal and now I am doing this. Going to be a busy week. The furnace man is coming tomorrow. Dad has his skin cancer thing removed on Wednesday. Thursday, I am watching Amy's kids while Doris goes to the Dr. I hope to have the list narrowed down to about 3 in the condo search by next weekend. I really want to get moving and make a fresh start somewhere. I love the house, because it was ours. Kevin is everywhere here. He is in every nook and cranny. I will never feel at home anywhere again. Kevin was and is my home. The walls and windows don't make a home love does. Even when we were at our worst to each other he was always my home. I always knew that I could charge headlong into tempest and Kevin would shield and protect me if I ever needed it, that is home. I don't have that protection anymore. I have to be a lot more careful about the windmills I charge at. I no longer have my armor protecting me from any real danger or harm. I am in this fight alone now, and am not really looking forward to it. But I must live, like it or not right now. I have never been one to shy away, but now I am feeling a little shy of everything. Strange how fear can seep into your life when you least expect it