Knocked out by a Cold

I am finally feeling better. I think the cold or whatever I have had is over. Stayed in bed most of the weekend. Starting to get the plan for the move together. I hope to be in within a week of closing. I have been pegged for Jury Duty starting on Dec. 14. I am starting to get really excited about the move. Still waiting for the snafu to occur, it usually does. Things will work out in the end. My little monsters have been attention whores all weekend. Spot is especially bad, she wants to be right beside me all of the time. Max is just as bad. He is acting different, can not explain it but something is up.
Other than being sick the weekend was all right. No extreme melancholy, fewer tears than usual. Sometimes I think that in the back of my mind Kevin is just in the hospital, extended care, or just out of town for some reason. I know that is not the case but sometimes I have to remind myself that he is gone. One would think that after ten weeks it would sink in. I often find myself thinking that I need to call him and see what he wants for dinner. At least I have not picked up the phone yet. I am not letting the grief consume all of my time any longer. I do dread the holidays, especially his birthday. I am going to be at Joey and Becky's Nov. 26, and 27. It will be the first time in so many years that we are not at Keith's or Kevin's parents. Strange as it may seem, I don't think I could set at the table without him next to me right now.
I have started to get some stories about Kevin from those unable to attend his party. I think all of you they have brought smiles. Sometimes it seems strange to hear about Kevin prior to us meeting. I just don't think of my life in those terms. But we did have lives prior to making one together. I am accepting this more and more. I am at peace with our pasts.
If I am to have any kind of life now I am going to have to put our life in the past also. To be treasured not relived. The past is the past and I am in charge of my own destiny now. I want things that I did not with Kevin and am feeling better about pursuing them as of late. Kevin knew me very well and probably knew the direction I would take without him. Well he would have expected me to any how. My life is altered by him forever. I was in many ways a man child when we met. I think that is what attracted him to me the most. He showed me a life that I never thought could exist for me in the place I was then. Growing up has not been easy, but I now know that I have the necessary skills to make it on my own. Kevin taught me this and without it I could not have survived loosing him.
I still am not sure if I will survive it, but I move forward. Not an option to retreat.