Plan to get through the hollidays

I have been keeping busy the last few days. Kevin's birthday is approaching and I am not coping with it very well. He is on my mind constantly, I miss him more that ever. Kevin was always in a good mood around his birthday. There was always the family celebration, but this was one thing we always set aside time for us. Never a grandiose gesture, just something like a romantic dinner out, cuddling on the bed and taking a nap together. The funny thing is Christmas day was the same. We did the family things and came home and took a nap together. I really miss putting my head on his chest and talking about everything. Then we would roll over and Kevin would put his arms around me while we napped. It seems like nothing but that was the time we reconnected as just us, nothing outside, just Kevin and I. Those are the most precious moments to me. Kevin would joke and smile he was really relaxed, and comfortable. He was not often like that. Kevin's insecurities were always just below the surface to strike at him. But the times we were just laying there with one another he felt safe, as did I . Having those times are what kept us going. No matter how bad things got or how angry we were at one another. This time would make it alright, It was truly blocking out everything else and focusing on one another. I think that is what kept us together and committed for so many years. The little recharge, reminder of what was important Kevin and I.
I miss that already. Last year during the holidays it was that clear Kevin was getting worse, but we still had our time, actually more that usual. I fear that I will never know what it feels like to be that loved again. I am not exactly the easiest person on the face of the planet. I should be grateful that I had this for 15 years, when so many never have it at all. That should make me feel better but it doesn't. I just feel like I am becoming more and more disconnected with everything. I just don't fit in without Kevin. I just don't feel like I belong anymore. I thought this was passing, but is is actually worse and worse. I am not sure what to do, but I have to make some changes soon. I am just so tired and alone. Some days I wish my body would just give out and let it end. But I wake up every morning disappointed yet again.
Describing the loneliness I feel is difficult. It truly does not matter if others are around or not. I am lonely and alone. Without Kevin I am alone.
Well it is time to get up from the pity party, and start to address the laundry, and packing of the house.