A better day

I am feeling better today. I was able to drag my but out of bed on regular time today. I have set a goal of getting at least one box packed every day. We will see how this works out. I am at least not so overwhelmed by it all right now. Yesterday was really bad, I could not do anything but cry and mope around. I forced myself to go out for a while, J'sJs. Had an underwhelming time. Just sat in the corner and watched the people. Interesting mix. When I left it was about 12:30, and I just balled all the way home. I cried until I fell asleep, whenever that was. I guess I just needed to crash and burn for a day. This is not an exact science with set times for things to happen. therein lies the problem, I am so use to scheduling and sticking to it that unpredictability is very upsetting.
I have to get on the bike tonight. Have not been on it in over a week and I can feel it. I just don't really care right now. This disconnect I feel is so strange. I sometimes feel as though I am watching a TV program, or a play. I just don't have any since of belonging anywhere right now. I really want to just be left alone and stay away from everyone and everything. I know this is not something I should do so I make myself at least get out of the house for something everyday. I have no desire to participate in the outside world and really feel so detached form it. I have never experienced anything like this before. I need to get on with this and move forward, but I really don not want to. I want to relive the past over and over again in my mind and let it take me away from the reality of this empty life I have now.
Here I am winning about my life when it could be so much worse, how I do not know but it could be. I really thought I was getting past all of this and then out of nowhere I realized that Kevin's birthday is on the same day he will have been dead for 12 weeks. This has just shattered me. I can not get past it, maybe after the move I can start to deal better. Everywhere I look in the house I see Kevin. Not all of the memories are so good. I am wondering what life would have been if Kevin would have continued with treatment, or if I would have just spoke up and told him how I really felt while he was still making the decision. I told him that whatever decision he made I would support him and I did. Was this his way of going on an being able to use me as the excuse? I will never know and the unknown is what haunts me so.