Surviving the Holidays and Kevin's birthday

I made it through Thanksgiving and Kevin's birthday! Being with all of the kids was an incredible help. I woke up Friday morning between 12:30 and 2 AM. I had been dreaming that Kevin was all right and very happy. We were both at Joey, and Becky's, and were happy. I can not recall more of the dream but I am relieved that Kevin is at peace and happy again. I also think it was his way of letting me know that he thinks I am not screwing up too badly. It was almost like when he was in the house so much right after his death. I am given such a peaceful feeling about it all now. I came home and the house seemed so desolate! I thought I saw a little skitter in shadow a couple of times last night. I think Max and Spot are happy again. It reminded me of Max when we first got him in size and action. Well I could just be loosing my mind and in a total state of delusion. That would not be too much of a stretch now would it?
I actually slept pretty good the last 2 nights without any sleep aids. This is a major step for me. I have to take 1. or 2 a week to keep my sleep pattern in check. I really thought that I would have moved on by now, but I am starting to understand that the wounds are far deeper and more severe than I had previously believed. I had no idea how severely loosing Kevin would effect me for the amount of time it has, and continues to. Usually I am quick to recover from any loss or hurt, but this has truly shaken me to the core and I am not sure that I ever will truly recover the happy, go-lucky life that I have always had. I am just not bouncing back from this. It scares me how deeply I have been hurt. Nothing and no one has ever caused me so much pain. I did not think it was possible to be completely crippled by this loss. I was not that kind of person. This has not only knocked me down but at times it feel as if it has put me into a hole and is trying to fill it in with me at the bottom. I am getting some since of forward ascension but very little and with great struggle.
I am hopeing that the move will help me to start getting a better since of balance. I am going to Phoenix in January, Katie always gives me a boost. Then it will be time to start back to school. Hopefully it will keep me busy enough to take my mind off of constantly dwelling on what I have lost, or given up. I have to try, at least, and get some of myself back. So much has been given away over the years that so very little remains for me. I have to give myself permission to be the selfish brat I use to be for a while and put me ahead of everything and everyone else.