Setteling the Past and Looking to the Future

It has been almost a week, and what a week it has been. I finely managed to get the insurance straightened out. Have found a condo I really like. Bought a new computer, and the trust is fully active. The trust is all Keith and Teresa.
The insurance was fixed withing 24 hours of my last call informing them that the next call was to come from my attorney, and I also gave them her name. I still do not have all of the cards but I have the numbers. I see if Express Scripts is fixed this week as well. I actually handled it very well for me. I had no screaming, cussing, or threatening (not directly) interactions. I just stated the problem, gave them what it would take to fix the problem to my satisfaction, and offered an alternative if they could not accommodate me. I was a wreck! I was so scared that somehow I was no longer going to be covered with Kevin's policy and have to do the full Medicaid again.
Carolyn took me to look at several condos on Wednesday. We went to 2 different developments and looked at 2 in each. All had strong positives, but I narrowed it to 2, 1 in each community. Put together a pros and cons list and then went with my gut. I chose one in Webster Groves, in a rehabbed school building. The only con this one had was a detached garage. The other one I liked was in Kirkwood, across from the Magic House, but the kitchen was tiny, it was a townhouse, abut 30 years old , and the laundry was in the garage in the basement. I kitchen would require taking down a wall, and the lugging of laundry up and down 2 flight of steps ruled this one out. The one in Webster Groves has such character and detail, I fell in love with it from the start.
When I walked into the Webster Groves Condo I felt the same as I did when Kevin and I first looked at our home. I remember telling Kevin that this was the one, just buy it. I think that is one of the reasons that we never moved in almost 14 years. This place has felt like our home from the time we first walked into it. The Webster condo has that same feel for me, and I know Kevin would like it too. Strange that the Wednesday night I had a dream about Kevin and we were in the Webster condo and he was telling me what colors to paint the walls. The really strange thing is that the master is already painted the same color of our master here!! It must be kismet.
I am still trying ti sell the Neon, I just refuse to let someone have it for next to nothing! My Dad had a cancerous growth removed from his head on Wednesday as well. That is turning out just fine. It did leave him with a black eye, and he is telling people Mom hit him. Most respond with what did you do to her. Friday was at Food Outreach from 9 till 1 and I am really enjoying the routine of going somewhere on a regular basis. Once school starts I will settle into a routine and life will be smoother. Saturday I slept late and did not get a lot accomplished. I did manage to get this computer, and take a check to Dan and Amy for some calenders I got from Heidie's school. Today is yard cleaning day. I am actually going to try to clean the gutters. I am not sure how well I will do but at least I will give it a try.
I have been able to remember more and more of my life with Kevin. The bad times are starting to no longer overshadow the good. I can look back and smile, sometimes even laugh! His face is their when I think of him, I no longer have to look at a photo to remember what he looked like. I went to his grave last week, then again on Thursday after the marker was placed. The date of his death was not on it so I had to go to the office and make sure the correction was made. I also went again yesterday, I was at Dan and Amy's, just a mile or so from Valhalla. It is strange that I do find it comforting to see his name so permanently fixed. I have no connection to him there. His cremains are suppose to be buried but those are nothing to do with Kevin. Kevin is with me everywhere I go and in everything I do. He is in my heart and soul. I am hopeful that the marker can give his parents some sense of closure. His name is there for others to see, and when all of us who knew him are gone he will not be forgotten. That is what hurts the most, that all of the little ones will not remember Uncle Kevin, or at least not before the tumor. They will never know the fun, energetic, loving man he really was. That is what was the worst to watch slip away.
The tumor took so much from me. I could have accepted an accident, heart attack or stroke. Those would have been quick and over with. The tumor killed him a little at a time, robbing him of who he was. The worst part of that is he knew it, I had to see him slip away from himself, as well as from me. He told me a couple of times over the past year that this was not a life, this was hell. I wanted him to stay in whatever way he could. Perhaps he would not have went on with the treatments is I had not pushed. I know he regretted taking the Avastin, he told me so. He truly felt that the 6 good months were not worth the 9. He was robed of dyeing with his dignity. I do not know if that can ever be forgiven. I know that he has to be in a much better place and whole again.