Year in Review

Last night I read the blog from the beginning to the last post. My editing is atrocious. Well I am not surprised. I could track Kevin's decline. Not just in the updates I put in but in his posts. I could see errors in his writing that he would never have made normally. It gives me a sense of comfort that I do have his last communications with the world to keep. There are times when the past year is like a nightmare. Seeing in in writing makes me realize that I did go through it and managed to survive so far. I can see my own desperate pleas in the words as well. I still have a hard time remembering everything clearly or at all. Strange how how the mind protects itself by simply blocking out what it can not deal with.
I still do not remember the services for Kevin and the only thing I do remember is seeing him after he had died and it looked like he had a smile on his face. That will stay with me forever. I think that was what let me do what had to be done and finish up the arrangements he had so painstakingly made. I can see that I knew the end was coming better than he did, until the last hospital visit. I knew inside that he was done, one thing about Kevin he was stubborn. When he made up his mind about something changing it was imposable, and he always accused me of being stubborn.
The new year is upon me and the old one is mostly a vauge haze in my minds eye. Memory is a funny thing some of the worst moments stand out in frount of the wonderful ones. I have went to hell and am still traveling through. Trying not to slow down or take any detours. The thought of passing the exit sign still seems far from me. I have often said that we live in a hell of our own makeing, and it it true. Until I can grasp the reality of the past I am forced to be constantly examining it. One day that will end, just when or how I am unsure. One thing I do know is that life is for the living. Kevin and I had a huge fight about this just before my birthday this year. I told him he was acting like he was already dead. I think he realized that his actions were destroying everything we had built together. He started to live again, just to have his life taken when he was feeling a little reliefe. Nothing can change what was, nothing can let one go back for a do over. That would only work if we were allowed to change things. Changing someting then could upset the ballance and you would never have been abel to go back. Strante how the laws of nature are frinite and unbending. They are also the only laws one can never get away with breaking.