Plans for the New Decade

I have come to realize that I have to get myself together. I have not let myself move forward from Kevin's death. I hold a feeling of guilt for living while he is gone. I know that this is normal, and if I did not feel these things would be even more wrong. I am having to look at how I have been avoiding the world for months now. Kevin's limitations gave me the perfect excuse for a long time, now I feel as if I have to get it together or lose all touch with the outside world. Blocking out the world has been far easier that I ever thought it would be. I have no desire to participate or interact with others. It is very easy to do this, far too easy for me. I used Kevin's illness for so long that I just continued after his death. I do not blame him, it is the nature of taking care of someone you love. Being the primary caregiver for someone who is slowly slipping away, without any formal training to know what to expect, is the most difficult thing in the world.
My life is in such flux, and has been for so long that I am not prepared to have a regulated and somewhat stable life. This is something that I have to do in order to survive and have any kind of future, with any happiness. That is something I can not really see for myself now. Kevin is the reason that I have to go on and get back to the business of living. He worked so hard to make sure that I had a future that was not unlike the life with him. He was always a good provider, and in the end that is all he could do for me. Kevin would have been surprised that I am having such a difficult time. I was always the one that steamrolled through everything and everyone. I am just out of steam and can not seem to build it back up.
I have so much to and the time to do it in is not that abundant. My time is going and I have to get on with it. School is starting in a few weeks, and the trip to Phoenix is just a week away. I am feeling like the ability to manage my life is out of my control. The main thing is to get a plan and start soon. i can stick to a plan, I have passed the plan for what to do after Kevin died. Everything that I had to do in that plan has been done. I set the goal of 11-2010 as the date I take control of my life. That is just a few days away, and I am not prepared for the next step yet. Some of the most important decisions in my life have to be made and made by myself. i no longer have Kevin to include or ask in what direction I should go. He was my safe point, I always knew that no matter what choices I made he would always stand by me, well sometimes not too close. I always knew that if I crashed he would pick up the pieces and put me back together. I have to be able to get myself together and preppier to lick my own wounds.