Christmas Day

Yesterday was an exercise in control. I just wanted to be alone and left to my own devices. The obligations of family trump the desires of me. The lunch at Keith's was actually calm, and not too much. Mr. Russell acknowledged that Kevin was an emptiness, so the cat was out of the bag. Mason and Meg only wanted to play with the new toys and be left alone. They are older and calmer. I left there at 2 to go home and wrap presents for Teresa's, and make bean dip. I went to the Dr. in the morning and of course my weight is up and he told me it was time to focus on taking care of myself. I have no desire to do anything that is good for me right now. All I really want to do is eat everything and have a lot of Jack Daniels, he makes the pain of life a little numb. I really need this right now. I have never been one to run away from difficulties, but I am overwhelmed right now.
Teresa's was lively to say the least! I arrived after some of the revelers, which is not the norm. The largest mass of the party goers left rather early. Those with little party goers had to get home and get the the overexcited kids to sleep so Santa could make his way into the house and collect his blackmail for letting the kids love their parents on Christmas Morning. I left about 8:30 and came home to watch "A Christmas Story" marathon on TBS. This is my favorite show of all time in the holiday movies. i did laundry what a fun time. Funny how things can change in a matter of one year. Last year Kevin and I did our usual ritual. Came home form Teresa's and then a little time watching TV in bed, then preparing for the next day by recounting the past Christmas. I was always up early, Kevin always slept in until he had to get up and get ready to go to Illinois. Then off we would be and late lunch open gifts, then over to my parents for a short while. The end of the day was always ours together. We kept one gift for each other to open just with ourselves. Usually this was the most personal gift. We always went to be and talked about what the new year would bring. Last year we really did not go past the tirp to Pheonix. We never made that trip. Kevin started to really go down hill after that.
I had no idea 2008 was our last Christmas togeter. Kevin had been doing so well. I had come to have a little hope. Huge mistake. It was the jworst year of my life. Kevin slowly sliped away after that. January 1, 2009 was the beginning of the end. Afer that day I knew our time was limited and I would be alone by 2010.