Settelling In

It has been a few days, but the move is nearly over. I am settling in at the condo. I have phone, Internet,and Uverse. I have had a few moments to regret the move and thinking that I made a mistake in leaving the house. Now I am seeing that this was the best for me. The change is what I need. I could have never moved past the life Kevin and I made while living in the most memorable symbol of it. I am not sure how the new place will workout, but I will sooner or later.
I go by the house every day and get a load of stuff, and the mail. Yesterday I opened a cart for Kevin. It was his Birthday card form Food Outreach. I was really taken back. I had a mini breakdown, and it took about an hour to recover. I still am surprised at some little thing that brings back the loss. I am realizing that this grieving is going to go on for a long time. According to the experts, I am going to be doing this the rest of my life. I am starting to get a handle on the anger. I understand that the anger is at myself. I am also torn between trying to get back into life, with a new normal. This is a hard thing to do, when your normal is fifteen years in the making.
Some days are better than others. I can not bring myself to participate in the social side of life. I still do not consider what I am doing living. I am existing.
I may never get past this and that will be OK. I have to do what is best for me and not apologise for what is necessary. Being selfish is not a problem for me in the first place.
The future is out there if only I wanted it. Strange how I use to always think about what was next in life, and now I dread it. Each new day moves we further away from the live Kevin and I built together. Moving forward means giving up on the life I cherished, and wanted. Kevin was constant. He was the anchor that I held onto. Without him I feel adrift and unattached to anything, or anyone. Not exactly what you want for yourself at 41. This time of my life was suppose to be settled and calm. Not being thrown one way and then another. I thought that by now I would either be finished with school or close to a bachelors. This was when I can not refocus on a life that is way gone. I am looking forward to going back to school, and part of me wants to just say in bed and just sleep. Kevin gave me so much support in everything I did. I just keep on going with some semblance of normality, and ties to the past. Kevin is the reason that I really want to finish school and accomplish at least one goal in my life. Kevin was always frustrated with how easily I could be derailed, but not with my education. I think he was proud of the accomplishment I have done scholastically. He did not understand my drive to keep up an average of 3.75 or jbetter and often told me that I did not have to try for perfection. Well time to go to the movie and maybe see some snow.