1 Day to Close!!!

I went to the first of 6 weekly Grief Counseling sessions. The sessions are group, but it is only myself and one other person with 2 facilitators. I did get a lot of time, and feel a little better. The facilitators were a little surprised at all the changes I am making. Next week we are suppose to bring in a photo of our loved ones. I am not sure how this will help, other than to put a face with the stories. I think it may also make my loss more personal to the others. i think this will help a lot in the end. Some of the homework I have is to read how to deal with the holidays, and others who want to offer help that one does not want or need. It is all about doing what you feel you need to do. Not what others think you should or should not do. Very practical advice, I have always done as I wanted so this gives me justification.
I have to say that I am getting anxious about the Condo it is closing tomorrow, and a few things have to happen today. One of which is the insurance, another is the walk through. I have to make another list of things I want to do while I am there. One more list in my life, OMG! On a brighter note I am shooting for a party of some sort in the Condo around New Years. I am going to Phoenix on January 6, returning on January 11. I have not been out there since December 2007. that was when the tumor was still just a knee problem awaiting a Dr. to see it and do surgery. How different our life was to become 3 weeks later. I still look back at any sign I missed that would have indicated how serious it really was. I can not really find one, Kevin was not telling me about the "spasms", or the pressure he was feeling. I do remember on the flight back getting mad at him for spilling 2 sodas. He knocked them over with his right hand. In hindsight it was the tumor, if only. I have had a lot of if only in the past 2 years. I mentioned some of them in the last post.
Some reason for what happened to Kevin should be found, but it never will I know that and hopefully will someday accept it fully. I do know that by the time the knee started it was already too late for him to survive without being severely paralyzed on his right side, and possibly unable to speak for the rest of his life. The speaking thing I would not have minded too much, I would have decided what I wanted him to say. Ha Ha! Well then the outcome would have been very different, the headlines would have read "Man beaten to death with adding machine!" me of course being the victim. Well as much a victim as I could be. Strange how I have never seen myself in that way, victim. With the HIV, AIDS, and all of my other illnesses associated with them. Kevin I see as a victim of the tumor, but not myself. That is strange, the end results victimised me as well. Kevin never saw himself as a victim either. He was too busy working about how to keep everything in order and under control. I don't think Kevin ever understood about the lack of control that disease cause one until it happened to him.
Control, what an interesting word. I now know it is just an illusion that we allow ourselves to have. Nature has the real control over us. I should have known Kevin was controlling, he was a Controller when I met him. I remember looking it up, because I really did not know what that job was. Yes, I do not know everything and sometimes needs assistance. I am getting more and more ready to take what control over my life that I can. I am still not there yet. Kevin took care of so many little day to day necessities that allowed him control over the majority of our life together. I was more than willing to do this. I learned young that live is all about trade offs. Kevin thrived in doing the little details, I am infuriated by them. Kevin loved finding the penny that was off on a statement, and letting me know that I mad the mistake. My answer to this was I make the bill you pay them, it worked for us.
Many things worked for us that will not be happening for me again. Kevin will not be her to tell me that I am close to the limit on my credit card, that is why I have 2 is it not? He will never tell me again that I added instead of subtracting in my check book, I just look it up every day on line and go from there. This is what works for me, alone, without Kevin to fix it. We all have our coping mechanisms. Don't judge me!! Well I have to get a move on people to harass, customer service people to persecute. Wow my day is looking better and better. This is somewhat a funny, but not completely.