Looking at the past

I know that looking over the past year is not necessarily the best for my mental state. Reviewing it does give me some perspective, that at the moment of writing about it is not possible. When fresh most of the incidents posted seem to be the most important ever, in retrospect they are not, the whole is far larger than the pieces. Who would have thought I could survive all of this with any stability left. I don't have much to begin with. I lost the most important person in my life, but I do have the memories of our years together. I have to remember that is more than most, and some never have it at all. Kevin's illness was not quick but he was capable of having control until the last few weeks. When I say control I mean how he would live, and die. He was a planer, and he was detailed. Above all he thought of me until the end, not always in a positive light. He left few things undone or said. I have been asked if it was better that we had time to prepair. I thought yes, but you are never prepared for loosing the love of your life. It is not as if he had a choice about the matter. That is what hurts the most, lack of choice.
Kevin always was frustrated by my black and white views of life. He liked to have a little gray. When the final hospital stay happened, he was forced to make a black or white choice. I told him that what ever decision he made I would support. this is the one time in my life that I did not let my wants expressed. Meany people would be surprised by this. The most difficult decision that effected me so completely. I felt and still do that the decision was his alone to make. I would have made other choices for him but for myself, I would not have treated the infection the second time. My courage is not that strong. Kevin wanted to live and see all of the joys that it held. He knew that the quality of his life was gone. He could no longer do anything without pain. His vision was being effected, and so was his ability to think.
I know that above all the mental loss was the hardest thing for him, and I believe it was the reason he made the decision he did. Kevin had a fear of being a delusional, lump, needing constant care. This he was able to avoid for the most part. He did not linger for months as he feared. I think he knew that I was about to break from the physical exhaustion. The procedures that were necessary to save his life would have taken months to recuperate. If he would have make it through the surgery. Kevin did not make this decision when everyone was informed, he had been making it for the 20 months he had to deal with his diagnosis. We knew from the beginning that the tumor was terminal. About this we had no illusions.
I know that some do not believe Kevin did make this decision with thought of how it would effect others, but he was thinking of everyone else and the imposable situation that had taken control of our lives. That was what finally made the decision for him. The disease had taken complete control of everything. Not one part of our lives had it not consumed. It controlled his eating, sleeping, mobility, vision, clarity of mind, and had ended our ability to even sleep in the same bed. This is not a big deal to many, but this was when Kevin and I were alone and talked, and made the most important decisions of our life together. It was the most intimate time of us. It hurt him to hold or be held by anyone.
The loss of his ability to protect those he loved was devastating for Kevin, he had to be protected and he could not live that way. He really could not live at all, just exist. That is not life, it is torture. So if you agree of disagree with the decision Kevin made, remember it was not selfish, it was made for all of us who he had to leave in order to protect and care for again.