The past 5 months

Kevin has been gone for 5 months in 2 days. I am amazed at how much in my life has changed, both voluntarily and involuntarily. I can not believe that things would take on this shape. I am completely out of the house and it should be listed by this weekend. I can go in and leave now without crying or feeling utter devastation. Thinking of Kevin does not always bring me to tears. I can look at photos of us and of him and simply remember the good times. I am starting to get my memory of the weeks following his death back. How accurate they are I am unsure. I am even starting to think of a future for myself. I have even given thought of what the possibilities with someone else could be.
The past is no longer a stone around my neck holding me down. It is what is should be warmth and happy memories that lift me up. I have days when the sadness sweeps over me without warning, but they are fewer and fewer. I do at least know as it is happening and can sometimes calm the storm before it is out of control. I actually have days when I am actually happy at times. I would never have believed this was possible a few months ago. I have to say the grief counseling I went to helped me more than I ever thought possible. I have learned to let go of resentments that do nothing but hurt me. I was told by one of the grievers in the group that Wasted emotion is not something we can afford to do at this time. I am actually a calmer person as a whole now. I still have not the patients that my mother always said were important.
I am getting my life under control as a whole and the outward sign of this is my home. I am making headway in getting things put away and making the place functional. I always was an organized person but that was lost with Kevin. Now that I am taking control of things and not just letting life carry me I feel as if I am finally living again and not simply existing. So maybe that is the sign of my recovery progressing I am once again living. I feel as if I am part of the world and not just an outside watching it all happen. I am giving myself permission to be happy again and to look for that happiness. Kevin will always be the love of my life and I would give anything to have him back, I know this will never change. I can not sit and let everything he did to make sure that I could go on living was in vain. That would be a travesty, and dishonor to his memory.