Life as it is now

I am well into school, getting the condo under control, getting kitty love, and getting past putting the house up for sale. I have come to realise that my life with Kevin was not in the house or even about the house. The house simply was the room under which it took place. I have been attempting to move forward with my life, but some days I am right back to the ER at Barns on January 17, 2008. That was the night we got the news that Kevin had the mass in his brain. I now understand that this will always be lurking in the shadows, waiting to come out and darken the day. I have come to accept that this is my life.
The days are full of things that have to be done, the details of life are taking my time. For this I am grateful. The days have a continuity that sooths me. The time I spend at the house is less and less, most of the time I do not even go inside, simply pick up the mail and leave. The house no longer reflects any of Kevin and my life there. It now is a neutral, open, empty building. it in no way reflects my home of 14 years. I can accept that as the condo becomes more and more mine. I have brought Kevin here with me but he is not prevalent here, this is my house and I alone reside here. I am getting more comfortable with this. I am feeling my independence returning. Strange how much of it was gone for so long. I relied on Kevin to take care of the things I simply did not want to, I could rely on him for everything I needed. I gave up my independence happily to him as he did his for me. We depended upon one another, and knew this was an absolute (not the vodka). I made a joke!
laughing is something that i use to take for granted, I mean truly joyfully. I had to fake it for so long. I am finding that happiness is not an unattainable goal. I am making decisions that were once made by us now I am feeling a confidence that I have not known for years. I am becoming more sure of myself and the things I choose. I am allowing myself to take risks that Kevin would have been comfortable with. Personal decisions that just effect me can only bring me satisfaction or dissatisfaction. Life is now about what makes me happy, I no longer have to worry about the implications, or replication's to others. I am finding my footing and making steps out on my own. I no longer set and wait for life to come to me, I go after it. The disappointments and successes are mine to live with. I am feeling more whole than I have in many, many months. I know that I am missing peaces and always will, without Kevin, but I can be as close to whole as possible, and that is not too bad.