Almost 6 months

This Thursday Kevin will have been dead for six months. It sometimes seems like years, and at others as if it just happened. My life has taken many twists and turns in that time. I am living in a place I never thought I would, alone and getting use to it. i thought the living alone would be the hardest. I t is actually the easiest to get use to. If I would have been asked a year ago how I would be doing this soon after Kevin's death, the answer would have been not. I truly did not believe that I would survive it. I am a creature of habit and having my life turned completely upside down was not in my realm of capability. I am far more resilient than I thought possible. Not that it has been easy, by no means. I simply had to force myself to get out of bed each day and do something. What it was did not matter. I simply made myself get dressed and leave the house. This may sound easy enough, but when all you want to do is lye there and die it takes some will. i know now that I can do what I have to through pure force of will. I am feeling more confident about myself and life than I have in a long long time.
Kevin may have died half a year ago but he is still alive in my heart all of the time. i still talk to him and make no apologies for it. I use his memories as a sounding board. i know exactly what he would say to almost anything I asked him so it works for me. I can see a sliver of what my life is becoming, and I am not dissatisfied with it. I have learned to accept that the fireworks and excitement of youth are tempered with age and experience. The bright burning flame of explosives is intoxicating but after we are at it epicenter a few times when the explosion happens we begin to realize the steadiness of electric light is far more desirable. chasing the elusive wish is changed to achieving a maintainable happiness that has few highs but also few lows. Life is a constant give and take, the scales must balance themselves out or order would not be possible. That is the lesson I have learned the best so far in life. Balance is better than Boom Bang, ouch.