Anniversary to forget

Today is the second anniversary of Kevin going into the hospital and being diagnosed with the tumor. Life has defiantly not turned out as I had planed. I never thought that I would be the one to outlive Kevin. Last year on this date we were suppose to go to Phoenix. Except Kevin contracted the flu and we were at home, he was miserable. That seemed to be the beginning of the most horrific year of my life. He never really recovered from the setbacks that cascaded upon us after that. He did not want to be in St. Louis for the anniversary of his diagnosis and it really defeated him that he was unable to escape, even if for a few days. I never held out much hope that he would recover and yet his death was a shock. I recently heard a quote form Patric Swazey's widow, along the lines of the knowledge that your loved one is dieing the finality of the end is no less devastating. I could not agree with her more. I can look back and say yes his decline was easily tracked, but I did not want to see it. I knew in my head that he was going to die, but my heart was an entirely different manor. I remember that when he did pass I was in such shock that i really did not believe it. I just went through the motions and believed that he would get up out of the casket and say it was all a terrible joke. the joke was on me. I am just now coming to terms with the reality that my life is without him now. No one knows what the future will hold.