2010

It has been a few days. I went to Joey's for the weekend and it was calmer than usual the girls were at their dad's and one of the foster kids is no longer there. On the plus side Kayden and his mom are still there. I managed to get my baby fix so I am good for a while. Jackson is getting taller and skinner. Zack is getting bigger also. Missed the girls, and the chaos that is associated with Zack and his sisters. It was a good visit, and distraction from life as it is now. I leave for Phoenix tomorrow, and come back on Monday. School starts the following week and I will be forced to create a schedule. This should help me considerably.
Yesterday was my Mom's birthday, it was also exactly 4 months since Kevin's death. I was overwhelmed by the day. I could not get Kevin off my mind. I knew that it was not going to be a good day. I did manage to get the condo ready for visitors. Bill did the trim painting and it looks wonderful! I look around and only see what I need to do and sometimes it seems that just seems endless. I have to get things in perspective, and organized and keep on task. When I was taking care of Kevin I had no option but to keep on task and schedule. Kevin made sure of it. I sometimes wish he would have left me a schedule to have things done by, maybe then I would feel more necessity in getting things done on time.
Not keeping on track is not like me at all. I was always the one on time and now I can not get anywhere on time. This has been very frustrating to me, and does not help the depression. Tonight is the last of my weekly Grief group sessions. There will be monthly meetings. They do not get as intense and usually have a lot more people. I still withdraw form large groups and have began to realise that I am withdrawing even in small groups. I no longer engage in a conversation unless it is directed to me. I really have no desire to be in a group that I have much chance of having to engage someone. I find that I do not get lonely because of this. I find that the loneliness is never ending and I am starting to accept this. I have to say that I am a much calmer person, and my temper while always just under the surface is harder to get riled up. Well all in all I am very disconnected to everyone and everything. I find that being by myself is far easier that keeping up the farce that that I am doing any better. The pain is just as sharp as the morning Kevin died. I have realised that one only learns to mask it not that it lessens.
I use to wonder why my Grandma Carter never had anyone else in her life after Grandpa died. She was a relatively young woman. I think only in her late forties. I now understand why she did this. Simply, it is not worth the effort. How can I expect anyone else to be a part of my life when I already have someone in it.