The Weekend

I have had a busy weekend. Friday evening I went to the neighborhood happy hour. I did have a good time. I felt a little our of place, it was strange to be there without Kevin. When I got home the realization that he was not there to share the events of the evening with, or the event itself hit me hard. I had a pretty rough go for a little while, but I was able to calm down and go to sleep.
Saturday was really busy! I was up at 5 to get ready for the yard sale. Did OK rain started at noon and pretty much ended that. I had found some video tapes in the TV cabinet and did not remember what was on them. I went to Dave's, because I do not have a VCR anymore, to see if any thing was worth keeping. Just taped TV, and some movies Kevin loved. Then the video of his parents fiftieth anniversary party. I watched the entire thing. Kevin was so handsome in his dark suit and Windsor knot.
I remembered some things about the day and then headed to the Food Outreach event on Locust. I was not as awkward there. I really had a good time, was feeling up to some more mingling so I st oped by JJ's for a drink. About half way through my drink I began to feel the abysmal pull of loneliness. So I went home and had a complete breakdown until 1 AM. I was feeling as if I had failed Kevin in the last few weeks of his life. I could not believe that I went along with non treatment of the infection. I felt as if I had not spent enough time with him, during the last 2 weeks. I should have stayed with him more. Even if he was unconscious I still should have been there every time he opened his eyes. I also should have been more car ring and not so angry at him. I truly feel as if I completely failed him. This makes me wonder if he was angry, scared, and felt alone because of me. I will never be able to have him answer these questions. I really thought I was getting better, but now I am further down than any other point in my life.