One More Step

I am going to the Happy Hour tonight, even though I am afraid of how I will cope going it alone. I have never been to this without Kevin. Now that I think about it other than things for the family or Food Outreach, I have been with Kevin for all of the major social events of the past 15 years. I am far more outgoing than he was but Kevin was always my safety net. He would let me know if my inability to filter my thoughts was getting out of control.
Today is three weeks since Kevin's death. I still feel like he walked out on me. I relay thought I was getting better. Last might and today have been one tearful experience after another. I was clearing some stuff out of the attic for the Yard sale tomorrow and realized that most of it was left over from the last one two years ago. I wondered what had happened to all the stuff I did not want brought back into the house. Kevin has it neatly boxed with the prices still on them. That is so Kevin.
I am beginning to wonder if this really does ever get better, or you just learn to control it. I find myself wondering what life would have been like if Kevin and I never met. I was reminded of the Garth Brooks song "The Dance". All of the pain was worth the years we had together. Yet is still seems strange to be forty one and death to have taken my fifty year old mate. Kathy Spencer asked me once, after the sudden death of a coworkers partner, which was better. The abrupt end to a young life that was unexpected, or the ability to preppier as Kevin and I had. I think the quick way is best. I had nearly two years to think about what I would do. Nothing is as I thought it would be. Kevin and I did everything we were told to do in order to prepped for the aftermath of his death. We still fell short. I feel that everyone should be prepared at any time to loose his or her partner.
The best way to let someone know that you cared for them is to make sure that the burdens ofter your death are as few as possible.