The house finally closed last Monday. It is done now and I feel a great relief. One thing done by the deadline I set for it. Life is still pulling me along. School is at least stimulating, if not tiring. I think of this time last year and wonder how I survived it and then how have I managed to survive without Kevin? For so long I just pushed it all down and ignored it. Taking one day at a time. I have repressed so much of the first couple months after his death that are now coming back.
They arrive like a slap in the face, from a cold hand. How close I was to letting life slip away then, and am truly not much better now. I put on the face of perseverance every day before I head out the door and somehow manage to hold it together until I get back home. This is getting harder and harder to do lately. I had become so adept at doing it I was fooling myself as well as everyone else. Well there is no fool like a foolish one. I am beginning to realize that this healing process is never going to be done, I will never recover and have a life like I did before, that life is a dead as Kevin. I have no true zest for life any longer, I feel most of the time that I am best alone and manage to achieve this. The outside world has no concept of what my life is truly like. If it did they would be horrified at what torment and pain I am constantly in. The anger is surging withing me and I can feel it seething with me.
The anger gives me nothing but frustration, it use to give me energy and will. That is all gone and all that is left is this rage that has no focus to lash out at. Time is once again my enemy.
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