I am not sure why I even keep this up. No one views it. I guess it is for my own release. The sale of the house is turning into such a cluster, last minute things pop up and I am tired of it all. The whole existence thing is starting to wear heavily on me. I am starting school in a few days and have no enthusiasm for it left. I look at is as one more thing that I must forge through. Why I must eludes me. I am feeling the weight of Kevin's death like a led ball on my back. Every time I feel as if some progress is taking place something pushes me even farther back. I am close to stopping all of my meds and just letting things run the course. I don't really know if they are helping anyway.
Just getting out of bed, is once again almost unbearable. I feel the need to just sleep and let the world go without me. I am tired all the time and do not really what to interact with anyone or anything. I just want to close myself off and lie in a darkened room.
the first anniversary of Kevin's death is just around the corner and I have not succeeded at a single goal I set for myself. I feel as if my life is stagnate. I am giving up on meeting other people, I am not happy and no one wants to be around sad people in the public setting. I have kept up a facade for the past year and it is wearing thin. the reality of how joyless life is has begun to consume me. I think I just will let it do so. I have no fight left in me and my weakness disgusts me. I have always thought of myself as a strong person but this has broken me. I have nothing left and the stores are all closed. Unless things change in some drastic way this will probably be my last post.
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