Summer heats up

Time seems to get away from me so easily. I have been busy getting ready for all the paperwork that school entails, trying to keep up with family and friends, and keeping my sanity. The last is probably doubtful to have ever existed. The Holiday was not too bad. I visited Kevin's grave and now I don't know if I will ever return to it. He is not there, he is totally gone from me. I have no sense of him at the house or anywhere else. I am starting to move forward willingly. I have made a few disastrous fores into the dating world. Still I am not giving up. I will find what I want just have to wait until he comes along.
This Friday will be 9 months since Kevin's death. My birthday, and our anniversary are quickly approaching. I will be 42 and this would have been our 16Th anniversary. Time has passed so quickly since Kevin was diagnosed with the tumour. He lived 20 months and it seemed like a blink of an eye. I even have trouble remembering his voice sometimes. I have photos of us all over the condo, and I still sometimes can not remember his face. One thing I will always remember is the way his eyes were an open book to what he was truly feeling. Many times I saw the pain that he tried to hide. The disappointment, and the joy, and mischievousness that was so much apart of him. The way he could look at you over his Reading glasses like a school teacher amazed at the stupidity of your work or question.
I am still trying to do things my own way, but the training I received for 15 years is hard to break. I do know that I am a more patient person now, how much more is the question. Few know of what it was like to take care of Kevin every day. He only wanted me to do most things and did his best to rile me up. Which he did, but not as often as he would have liked. I thought I would not survive his death but the entire thing is still pretty much a blank to me. I remember bits of the viewing and internment service. I do remember everything up to them taking him away the last time. Those are some of my proudest moments in life. I managed to care for him as close to how he wanted as I could do. I have often felt that I did not do a very good job. I am a little easier on myself now. Quite frankly I can not believe I managed to do the things I did.
That is the past and while I can not dismiss it, I have chosen not to revisit it constantly. My future is what I will make of it, not what we made in the past. Kevin is gone and I am finally ready to admit it to myself. This is now my life and I am the only one that has to like it. Watch out cause here I go.