Summer heats up

Time seems to get away from me so easily. I have been busy getting ready for all the paperwork that school entails, trying to keep up with family and friends, and keeping my sanity. The last is probably doubtful to have ever existed. The Holiday was not too bad. I visited Kevin's grave and now I don't know if I will ever return to it. He is not there, he is totally gone from me. I have no sense of him at the house or anywhere else. I am starting to move forward willingly. I have made a few disastrous fores into the dating world. Still I am not giving up. I will find what I want just have to wait until he comes along.
This Friday will be 9 months since Kevin's death. My birthday, and our anniversary are quickly approaching. I will be 42 and this would have been our 16Th anniversary. Time has passed so quickly since Kevin was diagnosed with the tumour. He lived 20 months and it seemed like a blink of an eye. I even have trouble remembering his voice sometimes. I have photos of us all over the condo, and I still sometimes can not remember his face. One thing I will always remember is the way his eyes were an open book to what he was truly feeling. Many times I saw the pain that he tried to hide. The disappointment, and the joy, and mischievousness that was so much apart of him. The way he could look at you over his Reading glasses like a school teacher amazed at the stupidity of your work or question.
I am still trying to do things my own way, but the training I received for 15 years is hard to break. I do know that I am a more patient person now, how much more is the question. Few know of what it was like to take care of Kevin every day. He only wanted me to do most things and did his best to rile me up. Which he did, but not as often as he would have liked. I thought I would not survive his death but the entire thing is still pretty much a blank to me. I remember bits of the viewing and internment service. I do remember everything up to them taking him away the last time. Those are some of my proudest moments in life. I managed to care for him as close to how he wanted as I could do. I have often felt that I did not do a very good job. I am a little easier on myself now. Quite frankly I can not believe I managed to do the things I did.
That is the past and while I can not dismiss it, I have chosen not to revisit it constantly. My future is what I will make of it, not what we made in the past. Kevin is gone and I am finally ready to admit it to myself. This is now my life and I am the only one that has to like it. Watch out cause here I go.

Life moves me forward

Registered for classes this fall at UMSL today. I am considered a Junior level student. Trying to get everything caught up after being gone so much the past couple of weeks. Went to Jasper to watch Joey, and Becky's brood. Becky and Zack went to DC for his 16Th birthday. With a total of 7 self at home it was busy. the ages range for 4 to 11. Amazingly enough the 2 youngest, 4 year olds, were little to no trouble at all. The others are old enough to need some drama going on most of the time. It is interesting to see how they manipulate one another to get yet another mad. I wish that I had a camera recording all of it. That would be reality TV.
On the way back yesterday I found my thoughts turning to Kevin. He has been on my mind a lot lately. I am not sure if it is because I went out on a real date Saturday night or what. I had a good time and enjoyed the evening. I must admit that I feel a little bad for having a good time with another man. I know in my mind that I shouldn't but I do so there is little that can be done about it. Moving on is far more difficult than one can imagine. Sometimes I still wake up and expect Kevin to be in bed next to me, that is only a rarity anymore. When it does happen I feel a huge relief until reality sinks in, then I just sigh and go on. I probably will always do this to some extent.
This is the longest post I have done in a long time. I need to keep up with this more. Face book is more of an interactive formant, but it is short and sometimes a little awkward.

They like me they really like me!

I was accepted to UMSL school of Psychiatry! I applied a month ago and was very unsure if I would be accepted. I have finally answered the question "What do I want to be when I grow up?". I decided upon this course after Kevin died and the counseling I received was so helpful. I realized that during my years at Food Outreach visiting with clients home bound, that I did have an ability to give a direct and usually appropriate answer. Kevin would have been terrified if I had this career path in mind while he was alive. Well with all the crazy out there and in here it sure could not hurt to fully understand the issues that arise and the proper ways to deal with them.
I now have a course of action that will occupy the nest 4 to 6 years of my life. Who knows maybe some day I will be addressed as Dr. Ritch?

8 months already

Kevin died 8 months ago today. It does not seem that long, and sometimes it seems like years. We welcomed a new baby to the family on Saturday. Brennen Michael Paul Russell. Brian and Andrea are the parents this makes 15 in the great niece, nephew list! His birth brought back the memory of when Brian told me they were pregnant. It was last August while he was hear to see Kevin just before he died. I was smiling when I thought of it. Kevin was still with it enough to understand when we told him about the baby. I think a little of Kevin went to Brennen, that is a comfort, it could also be a nightmare for Brian and Andrea.
Life continues to move ahead. School is almost over for the semester, and this weekend I am going to Joey's. Finals next week, then a 2 week break until summer session. Time is passing by quickly. I feel like I am almost caught up with the world now. Not completely, but almost. This summer is going to me the challenge, We usually took a few little trips and a week somewhere. I really don't have much desire to go anywhere. I have thought about a lot of places, all of which I went to whit Kevin. I have to start doing new things and going to new places to separate this phase of my life from the past. I have found that starting over is not so easy. The past creeps into the present in such a stealthy way that it is sometimes scary.
The tears and depression are less now but still sneak up on me without much if any notice. I know that life is out there and I will get to it soon. I am just not ready to dive in fully yet, just some toes in the water for now.

Has Spring sprung ?

Beautiful day, between rain showers. Rain caused AC repair to be postponed until Monday. I am going to dinner tonight, wonder if it will be something different? Probably not. Still searching for the elusive chairs that match the kitchen table, but I will not be thwarted. I am so close to graduating that I can actually see the finish line and it is a little scary. What will the next step be? I have thought about going on and getting a psychology degree, but do I really have that in me? Oh well I will think about it later too much to get done this weekend and too little time to do it in.

A Tasteful Afair

Yesterday was ATA and I had a good time, managed to get my first oral auction item. It appears I won a 7000 sp foot cabin in Des Moins IA for 5 days. Up to 25 people can fit. I did find that during the set up I kept looking for Kevin to be there with a bid book and double checking that everything was on his list, and in the computer. The man who took over the bid board is far more relaxed than Kevin. I was a lot sad when I went home to change for the actual event. I almost did not go back. Then after the event was over I went to Clems for dinner, after eating all afternoon, and it was packed. I had one of those moments when I was in a crowd of probably 70 people and was completely alone. This has not happened for a long time. I am surprised that this event caused so much emotional upset for me.
I will be graduating next fall, with an associates anyway. Hopefully will go on to a 4 year and get a bachelors in psychology. All of the people in the world and a nut job like me wnats to go into this field. I do actually have a desire for this, if to help myself more than others. World don't worry I am not going to be practicing in any medical field. Then again I could just build myself a man and then infuse him with the energy of the universe, oh wait that was Rocky Horror. Well life is back to the normal, or as the counseling information says, the new normal.

A lot in a little

A lot of things have happened in the last few weeks. My uncle was diagnosed with bone cancer and passed 8 days later. This has brought up a lot of unwanted memories and feelings. Things that I thought were not able to hut me now came back with a vengeance. To exasperate the situation personal relationships with the family have started to come to a boiling point and attitudes that are unacceptable can no longer be tolerated. Death brings out the best or worse in people that is a fact that can not be argued with.
The worse seems to prevail in those who should be the best at such times but life is full of disappointments and those who you expect the most of often let you down the worse. This leaves lasting wounds that will never heal and causes you to act in ways that are cause for regret. The final factor is respect, if you can not respect someone you can not love them, love and respect are mutual to me and can not exist without one another. I have lost all respect for someone who I once had a great deal for. This is gone and while I can tolerate and allow contact the relationship is permanently damaged and will forever be over in all aspects except those of common contact. I can and will go on and feel that this was a long time in coming. I can not allow the tyranny over those that I care for by anyone, no matter what the excuses or claims of not remembering what was said and done. I may soften in this matter but I doubt it, some lines, once crossed, are forever broken and can never be repaired.
Life is moving forward and Kevin has now been gone for over 7 months. I feel his loss as acute as ever as I write this and do not truly expect to get back to where I was just a few days ago for some time. The wounds once reopened take longer to heal, if they ever do. Scars are thick and painful once reopened. I will be better some day just not this one, I will get a life that is hopeful, just not today, I will get a world with happiness, just not today, but someday it will be and then I can look back and say I survived and am stronger than before.
Dave has told me that I should write a book about my life taking care of Kevina and this continuing struggle to resume life. I am for the first time thinking maybe I will. I doubt it would be published, but it would be a way to lay down a record of what happens when someone you love dies and how it never leaves you again no matter what and how the littlest things can rip at you at any time to thrust you back into the hell you thought was behind you at any time.