We not me still

"Happy anniversary baby I've got you on my mind". Here it is the day I have been dreading for so long. One year ago Kevin died. His death was not one of those Betty Davis movies, ie "Dark Victory" she had the same brain cancer as Kevin in that one. He did not loose his sight then simply lay down for a little nap. He was not afforded that. His death was horrific. He died not from the cancer, rather from the side effects of the treatment. His body was consumed with gangrenous infection. He had a fever of 106, was expelling fluid from his mouth when he exhaled and that is how I remember him. Not the active, annal retentive, blue eyed wonder he was. I feel that I was robed of him because of this. I had to watch him slowly slip away over 20 months. The physical losses were difficult but easily managed. The true horror was his inability to be the intellectual man he so prided himself in being. His last days were spent in and out of conciseness. Times he seemed lucid and could communicate somewhat, but others he could become violent and full of rage. I truly believe that was because he knew what he had lost and was so angry that he could not just die so it would not get any worse.
The advise of friends and family is well meant but they do not understand what I have lost, I only know of one person who's mate died. She told me to do what I felt I need to in order to get through it, and ignore everyone else. I could not imagine anything being worse than this, except the loss of a child which I will never know. I still feel as if I am incomplete and it haunts me in my days and especially my empty nights. there is a distinct difference between being alone, and being lonely. Alone is easily rectified, lonely is imposable to fix. I can be in a room full of people and still the loneliness penetrates me to my core. Actually being with others makes it worse, seeing others with their spouse and knot fully realizing what they have.
Kevin and I never watched the sunrise together, other that the last 2 weeks he was alive and he really was not there, and in many ways neither was I. We always thought there would be time for that later in our lives. We put off so many things because we thought we had the time, after I was healthier any way. So many years spent going through the daily routine of life. When asked what I remember the most, it is the routine of us. We were predictable and as off the wall as I am we thrived in it.
I go on not truly living any longer just existing. I have accepted this as what life will be for me, and am actually resigned to it. This has given me a clarity to get trough this last year. A year that like so much of my life has fallen far short of what I expected, from it and myself.