Keeping up

Busy few days ahead. Dentist this morning, stuff at Karin's this afternoon, and tomorrow the Dr and Food Outreach. I am feeling like it is time to start doing more at Food Outreach. Kevin has been gone for a year and a half. I am back to my new normal and feel as close to my old self as I ever will. I am in better physical shape than I have been in many years and overall feel good. I am looking forward to this summer and having some adventures. Not as adventurous as I use to be but I am just going to be 43 and that is the new 33 right, Oprah said so!

The new start

Wow, it has been a while.
I am getting on with my life and doing it with a purpose. I have decided to put a book together of my life during Kevin's illness and the aftermath of it. I am going to include his posts from this blog as well as a journal, or I should say journals that I kept from just after he became ill up to the present. I hope to have this done by the end of summer and will attempt to keep this more up to date.

Kenny

Almost 2011

I have had a few busy months. School is finished for the semester, Christmas and the holidays are over. I have finally gotten back to me. It was a long time coming but I am as close to Kenny as I will ever be again. the anniversary of Kevin's death was very difficult and I chose to seek some professional counseling. It was very helpful. I have finally come to realise that I should feel no guilt or sense of betrayal when pursuing my life. Kevin is gone and while he will always be a part of my life he is no longer an active part of it. I have had to forgive others for things that I once thought were unforgivable. I realise that they are the ones that carry the burden of unfulfilled promise. I am to let myself be open to the possibilities of meeting someone again and building a life with him. If this happens great if not then I am just as happy alone.
The hardest thing is letting go of anger and fear. Once the fear is gone the anger dissipates. I am looking forward to a trip to San Francisco for New Years, and to the rest of my adventures yet to come.

Fall's Cool Briskness

Made it through the first set of tests at school and did OK. the knee situation is getting resolved, saw the orthopedic, and having an MRI on the 5Th. The school semester is almost half over and is flying by! Having mostly good days and starting to feel as though I am finally moving on in my life. I am self aware of the difficulties that I put out for myself and am really trying to fix them. That is all for now just this quick update.

Fairwell to Summer Hello to Fall

The end of summer is quickly approaching and fall is looming. I
am having problems with my left knee. The Dr. referred me to an
orthopedic, who I will see at the end of the month. I am pretty sure
that surgery is in my near future. The cool weather will be a welcome
relief to the electric bill. Fall is a good time for me, I like the
cool weather for sleeping, the allergies are kinda bad but the trade
off is worth it. I have also decided to get myself into shape
physical. My diabetes is not under control and my weight is up. I
have to start doing the bike again. This is something I am doing for
me. The last year has been about Kevin, this next one is about
getting me into shape. I have been trying to start over from the
point I am at now. This is not a point that I can try to reclaim my
previous life from. I have to get to a point that I can feel
comfortable with myself around men that I am attracted to again. I
know what I have to do in order to get what I want and have made my
mind up to do it.
I feel a little like my old self now that I am realizing that
life is not as complicated as I have made it.

I made it through

I survived the weekend. It was difficult, but with food and a little adult beverage it was tolerable. I am sure that thing will get better as the years go by. I am seeing that things will sometime get better. When I am not sure, and it is possible not to ever get past the grief. Some time the future is too clouded for one to see. Well the second year of my journey has begun. I want to keep moving forward and will force myself to do so.

We not me still

"Happy anniversary baby I've got you on my mind". Here it is the day I have been dreading for so long. One year ago Kevin died. His death was not one of those Betty Davis movies, ie "Dark Victory" she had the same brain cancer as Kevin in that one. He did not loose his sight then simply lay down for a little nap. He was not afforded that. His death was horrific. He died not from the cancer, rather from the side effects of the treatment. His body was consumed with gangrenous infection. He had a fever of 106, was expelling fluid from his mouth when he exhaled and that is how I remember him. Not the active, annal retentive, blue eyed wonder he was. I feel that I was robed of him because of this. I had to watch him slowly slip away over 20 months. The physical losses were difficult but easily managed. The true horror was his inability to be the intellectual man he so prided himself in being. His last days were spent in and out of conciseness. Times he seemed lucid and could communicate somewhat, but others he could become violent and full of rage. I truly believe that was because he knew what he had lost and was so angry that he could not just die so it would not get any worse.
The advise of friends and family is well meant but they do not understand what I have lost, I only know of one person who's mate died. She told me to do what I felt I need to in order to get through it, and ignore everyone else. I could not imagine anything being worse than this, except the loss of a child which I will never know. I still feel as if I am incomplete and it haunts me in my days and especially my empty nights. there is a distinct difference between being alone, and being lonely. Alone is easily rectified, lonely is imposable to fix. I can be in a room full of people and still the loneliness penetrates me to my core. Actually being with others makes it worse, seeing others with their spouse and knot fully realizing what they have.
Kevin and I never watched the sunrise together, other that the last 2 weeks he was alive and he really was not there, and in many ways neither was I. We always thought there would be time for that later in our lives. We put off so many things because we thought we had the time, after I was healthier any way. So many years spent going through the daily routine of life. When asked what I remember the most, it is the routine of us. We were predictable and as off the wall as I am we thrived in it.
I go on not truly living any longer just existing. I have accepted this as what life will be for me, and am actually resigned to it. This has given me a clarity to get trough this last year. A year that like so much of my life has fallen far short of what I expected, from it and myself.